AIBU in wanting my DP to lose weight?

[OneforTheTeamo]

I've been with my DP for close to five years. He had a bit of a tummy when I met him but at over six foot he could carry it off.
Since then he has gradually put on at least 2 stone, all round his stomach and if I'm being honest I hate it. He moves like a fat man now, breathes heavily and snores like a train. He struggles to get up from the sofa and I feel embarrassed for him when we are out sometimes. He doesn't care and makes a joke about his size.
We both love cooking and eating but I'm more into healthy things and keep myself very fit and in shape. I'm older than he is but would guess I'm a lot healthier.
I've tried literally everything, gentle encouragement, suggestions of different diets, cooking healthily or making lovely salads but he will eat that then later go and make a bowl of noodles.
He thickly spreads butter on bread and eats several slices with a meal. He'll eat large slices of cheese whilst cooking, so basically has zero interest in losing weight. He insists on full fat coke and gets cross if I buy diet.
It's got to the stage now where his clothes are xxl and won't fit on the drier. Sex is just uncomfortable and though I love him and he's fabulous in other ways I don't want to stay with him in his current state.
I've ended up losing it with him then hating myself as I can't be tactful anymore plus I see his total disregard of my thoughts about his health and lack of attractiveness as a sign of not caring enough about me.
What can I do? Am I being unreasonable in giving him an ultimatum?

Ultimatums don’t work. Would he go for a over 40s health check. They are free some pharmacies do them too. You could both go.
I’d couch in terms of health and feeling better.
If you do shopping Don’t buy butter, sugary pop etc.

I feel sorry for your partner, OP. He eats refined carbs and junk to get a dopamine hit and make himself feel better. Food makes you feel better. Then he gets fatter and eats to feel better and on it goes. He probably knows exactly what he's doing and wishes he could stop. Plus the more junk you eat, the more you want. The change has to come from him - something he absolutely loves to do to replace the eating would be great.

By the way, exercise won't make him lose the fat on its own - he needs to reduce his calories. A lot of men and women do great with Myfitnesspal (free). I lost 50lb using that and kept it off, and I made some wonderful friends and we supported each other through.

No amount of arguments from MNetters can make you still fancy someone whose appearance is changed. This is wholly a personal thing.

Whether it's right or wrong to judge people based on their weight is neither here nor there, you just don't fancy him anymore.

And although you still like him, you don't like one aspect of his personality, which is that seems to have given up caring about his health/weight.

If you assume this is what he will now be like (and he hasn't shown any sign of wanting to change) surely the question is: do you want to stay in a relationship with someone you no longer fancy?

You've been together less than five years (this is a sunk cost - and it really doesn't matter whether it was one year, five or ten) - do you want spend fifty more with a man you don't fancy and don't fully respect?

It's sad for both of you, but time to move on.

@Skyll

I’m fat. I’m also disabled and can’t go to the gym. I can’t really move around.

Guess I’m doomed to be single for ever. Thanks op. Just what I needed today.

Unless you specifically want a relationship with the OP, her views are irrelevant to you. There are many posts on here with people saying weight wouldn't bother them. People want and don't want different things.

2 stone doesn’t sound that much on someone who is 6 foot tall.
I think YABU to issue any sort of ultimatum.

@OneforTheTeamo

Marvellousflowers It's not appalling, he's a gorgeous looking man with a fantastic personality and I love him very much but his fat takes away from his looks. I'm guessing you're on the large side to be so defensive? It's not all about me It's about his self respect and more importantly his health, both now and long term. I'm not shallow, fat is unattractive and that is a fact, but we aren't supposed to fat shame but instead watch overweight people gorge themselves and make excuses. I know losing weight is tough but there's no doubt slim is both healthy and sexy. Yes I can see now that saying I'd give him an ultimatum is draconian and unrealistic, I love the guy! I just want him to get back to his former weight for his health's sake.

Im sorry but this is your opinion. Fact is that being overweight is more likely to impact negatively on your health, but it is not fact that slim is sexy, some people only find fat people attractive. My husband is currently very overweight and I love him just as much now as when I met him and he was this, I still find him sexy and still enjoy sex with him. I don't feel ashamed of him when we are out, I am actually proud of him. Yes it would be better for his health if he would loose weight, yes I cook healthy meals for him, but he is a chef and doesn't get to eat regular meals and has to pick at what he can when he can. I love my husband for him, his personality, not his weight! If you really want to tackle him, tell him you don't care what he looks like but you are concerned about his health, other than that it sounds very much like a you problem rather than a him problem.

@Skyll

I’m fat. I’m also disabled and can’t go to the gym. I can’t really move around.

Guess I’m doomed to be single for ever. Thanks op. Just what I needed today.

Replies like this are so manipulative and guilt trippy. OP didn’t say all fat people shouldn’t have a partner - she said she has lost attraction to her own partner since he has gained weight and stopped living a healthy lifestyle. So this and your following comment of ‘you’ve made me feel bad about myself’ are just pointless really.

My opinion would be you can’t make someone else lose weight if they don’t want to. It’s hard enough making yourself lose weight when you do want to! However, I do think it’s worth talking to him and explaining that you are worried about him and asking if he had any concerns about his health. If not, not much you can do. He doesn’t need to lose the weight. You don’t need to stay with him either though.

Hi OP - I’m with you here. And I think the people crying outrage are a little delusional and probably a bit fat. The person who said that c.65% of the population are overweight so we should just accept that as the future is particularly ridiculous. Those statistics are awful and not some predestined fate “Ah well let’s just open the Pringles!”.

Your partner is not looking after himself and that’s unattractive. It means he disrespects his body - so why should you respect it? Over eating is gluttony and unhealthy.

Rather than seeming to be taking away all treats, could you discuss with him a routine where you eat healthy in the week and then look forward to certain things on the weekend? Get into trying different cheeses, or wines. Making a new dessert. Make it a hobby so that he doesn’t feel like he’s denying himself the rest of the time?

@Skyll you chose to click the thread. You can read the title.

Yes. And I can respond.

You’re not a moth to a flame. You can choose not to click and have your day ruined. I choose not to click articles that would upset me.

I'd talk my dh personally. I wouldn't offer an ultimatum, nor would I tell him that I wasn't attracted to him due how he looks but I would tell him I was concerned, as I'd hope he'd be honest with me about that too. He isn't looking after himself, and he's putting himself at risk of multiple medical problems which is concerning. I gained a fair amount of weight over the lockdown period, and whilst I have no doubts my husband loves me still, we've spoken about it and ways he can support me in losing the weight and getting back to a healthy size. I think all you can do is talk about your concerns, and offer him support. The work is up to him though, and if he doesn't want to put it in, he won't.

If you don’t fancy him, end it.

Don’t issue an ultimatum or try to take responsibility for his health.

The weird thing about all the posters insisting that you can't help attraction and if it disappears, then you should leave... how do they think aging works in a long-term relationship?

I don't currently find men in their 50s, 60s or 70s attractive. Quite the opposite. If I was single I wouldn't go for them. And YET, I am hoping very much that I'm still with DP when he's in his 50s, 60s and 70s. And I know that he will look like a man of that age, not the hot 30yo I first met. In 20 years it wouldn't be fair of me to turn around and say, well, you look old and wrinkly now - I'm not attracted to you any more so we're over.

Weight probably won't be an issue for either of us given our body types but you never know - injury or illness could throw us a curveball. And regardless, I don't expect the visible abs we both have now to stick around in a decade's time. But for most people, putting on weight as they get older is hardly an unexpected twist.

Oh, and all the fake concern about health issues can do one. I have plenty of unhealthy habits from my booze consumption to my love of cheese. No one says shit about them because I'm still slim. And the moral angle about how he'd be a better person if he could motivate himself to exercise and diet can also do one (from someone who made it three steps into my run today before sacking it off due to the horrendous weather).

I’d find this deeply frustrating. My dh struggles with his weight BUT he eats generally very healthily and tries to do as much exercise as he can, his metabolism is difficult to manage

In your case the motivation to lose weight needs to come from him not you. But I get how frustrating it is.

Did you buy your clothes horse from a Dolls House shop?

I was an XXL in t-shirts until quite recently (lost 10st) and they all still fit on the dryer absolutely fine.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I wouldn't be with a fat partner. I don't find it remotely attractive. All the excuses in the world for not taking care of yourself, I.e menopause; comfort eating; lack of self control etc etc are just that - excuses.

LOL AT THIS WHOLE THREAD! 😆😆😆😆😆

YANBU to find this weight gain unattractive. Of course you are not. Everyone in this thread tying themselves into knots to explain why it’s fine for a woman to gain 2-3 stone but not a man has me in stitches. Literally once a week here is the equivalent “I gained 2/3 stone but my husband doesn’t find me attractive” thread and the man in question is always insulted beyond belief.

I guess the takeaway is being a fat woman is perfectly fine. Men need to just deal. Being a fat man is a lot worse - they have no excuse, they aren’t taking care of themselves and it’s horrible. 😆😆😆😆

As a PP said, 2 stone on someone 6' would make a radical difference? I'm 5'8" and have lost that amount - it was one clothes size (14 to 12). I do think therefore either he's gained a lot more or you're exaggerating about the effect.

Wouldn't, that should say!

@gannett

The weird thing about all the posters insisting that you can't help attraction and if it disappears, then you should leave... how do they think aging works in a long-term relationship?

I don't currently find men in their 50s, 60s or 70s attractive. Quite the opposite. If I was single I wouldn't go for them. And YET, I am hoping very much that I'm still with DP when he's in his 50s, 60s and 70s. And I know that he will look like a man of that age, not the hot 30yo I first met. In 20 years it wouldn't be fair of me to turn around and say, well, you look old and wrinkly now - I'm not attracted to you any more so we're over.

Weight probably won't be an issue for either of us given our body types but you never know - injury or illness could throw us a curveball. And regardless, I don't expect the visible abs we both have now to stick around in a decade's time. But for most people, putting on weight as they get older is hardly an unexpected twist.

Oh, and all the fake concern about health issues can do one. I have plenty of unhealthy habits from my booze consumption to my love of cheese. No one says shit about them because I'm still slim. And the moral angle about how he'd be a better person if he could motivate himself to exercise and diet can also do one (from someone who made it three steps into my run today before sacking it off due to the horrendous weather).

I think couples in their 50s 60s and 70s who still find each other hot are pretty rare tbh. I know they'll be a rush of people saying they do, but in my experience, the women I know of that age may love and be comfortable with their partners, but they don't find them as hot as a 30 year old. Because bluntly, they're not. But it's only part of a relationship.

I think couples in their 50s 60s and 70s who still find each other hot are pretty rare tbh. I know they'll be a rush of people saying they do, but in my experience, the women I know of that age may love and be comfortable with their partners, but they don't find them as hot as a 30 year old. Because bluntly, they're not. But it's only part of a relationship.

That's kind of what I'm getting at. That's what I expect DP and I will feel like at that age. What I'm saying is... if you're in a LTR with someone and you've made a lifetime commitment to them, isn't part of that about accepting that sexual attraction is only part of the relationship, and one that won't last forever?

I don’t think it’s just physical (like ageing) though. It’s also a set of behaviours - he is massively overeating and to be honest I wouldn’t find that attractive.

No amount of arguments from MNetters can make you still fancy someone whose appearance is changed. This is wholly a personal thing.

Basically this.

If you aren’t attracted and want to end the relationship, leave. Having a go at him for too much butter and having full sugar drinks is TOXIC. Don’t do that to someone.