AIBU in wanting my DP to lose weight?

[OneforTheTeamo]

I've been with my DP for close to five years. He had a bit of a tummy when I met him but at over six foot he could carry it off.
Since then he has gradually put on at least 2 stone, all round his stomach and if I'm being honest I hate it. He moves like a fat man now, breathes heavily and snores like a train. He struggles to get up from the sofa and I feel embarrassed for him when we are out sometimes. He doesn't care and makes a joke about his size.
We both love cooking and eating but I'm more into healthy things and keep myself very fit and in shape. I'm older than he is but would guess I'm a lot healthier.
I've tried literally everything, gentle encouragement, suggestions of different diets, cooking healthily or making lovely salads but he will eat that then later go and make a bowl of noodles.
He thickly spreads butter on bread and eats several slices with a meal. He'll eat large slices of cheese whilst cooking, so basically has zero interest in losing weight. He insists on full fat coke and gets cross if I buy diet.
It's got to the stage now where his clothes are xxl and won't fit on the drier. Sex is just uncomfortable and though I love him and he's fabulous in other ways I don't want to stay with him in his current state.
I've ended up losing it with him then hating myself as I can't be tactful anymore plus I see his total disregard of my thoughts about his health and lack of attractiveness as a sign of not caring enough about me.
What can I do? Am I being unreasonable in giving him an ultimatum?

You are not helping op, you are probably making it all worse. Weight loss is hard, and very often has emotional barriers which need breaking down.
Happiness is a huge key. He doesn't need your comments, he knows. If you genuinely love him, then help him to be happy as he's way more likely to lose the weight that way. An awful lot of people have put on weight throughout the lockdowns etc; I hope they don't all have partners like you.
Maybe also consider a meal that ensures he is full rather than focusing on what you decide is a healthy meal - pack in anything nutritious that he likes.
Boredom is another issue. People eat because they are bored rather than hungry. If he's occupied he's less likely to do it.

He sounds like my dad who will never lose the weight. He doesn’t care how overweight he gets either.

Interesting that women will say that it’s okay to be obese, but it’s not okay for men to be overweight

Its ok to overweight. For both men and women. It doesn't mean that your partners has to still find you attractive.

It can be ok to be over weight AND it be ok for someone not to find you attractive.

It’s things like the fact that we can’t snuggle up together on the sofa together any more. Because he can’t physically manage to get up out of a sofa, it’s got to be a large armchair as he needs the support to get up because his knees are buggered due to his weight. Also the last two sofas we had, his side completely collapsed within 5 years due to his weight & inability to sit down carefully. So now our choice of living room furniture is mainly dictated by his weight. As is our mattress, which is too hard for me but needs to be firm enough to support him.

He’s not far off the BMI for being considered morbidly obese. He’s started having some worrying symptoms over the last couple of years - he insists it’s just anxiety but I’m concerned it’s possibly a stomach ulcer. He’s got very poor dental health & TBH it’s a question of when, not if, he’ll need dentures. But he insists he’s fine & I’ve only just managed to convince him to go back on his antidepressants, which he’d stopped because he didn’t feel like he could justify the prescription cost.

It's OK to be overweight. It's OK not to find that attractive in a partner.

God knows, plenty of men have an only size 10s and under may apply type policy ime! Why should women feel bad for feeling the same way about men?

Anyway, he needs to know it's an issue for you. He may think that if you feel that way, he doesn't want to be with you either though...that is a real risk.

How would he feel if you went up to a women's xxl? Would that be like a 24/26? Maybe he wouldn't mind, but chances are he would a bit.

I'm a solid size 18 myself, but I do weight train and am genuinely big built as well as a smidgen overweight. So I'm definitely not being harsh on bigger bodies.

Is he healthy in other ways?

Oh x post - did you name change fail? So he is not healthy in other ways.

I can definitely see why this is an issue op. It could be down to his depression. I think I'd tackle that first, but again, he can only deal with that when he wants to.

These threads remind me of Herman Melville's lines on a Maldive shark:

"... his saw-pit of mouth... his charnel of maw
... his ghastly flank
.... his Gorgonian head;
... the port of serrated teeth
.. the dotard lethargic and dull,
Pale ravener of horrible meat."

I think it's the loving descriptions of the slice upon slice of buttered bread that the husbands shove down their gaping maws.

@DontGetYourKnickersInATwist

Oh x post - did you name change fail? So he is not healthy in other ways.

I can definitely see why this is an issue op. It could be down to his depression. I think I'd tackle that first, but again, he can only deal with that when he wants to.

Oh sorry, no, that's another poster!

If you genuinely love him, then help him to be happy

@HotelCaliforniaOnRepeat what about OP’s happiness? Why shouldn’t her DP take action to address his issues if HE genuinely loves HER?

I see his total disregard of my thoughts about his health and lack of attractiveness as a sign of not caring enough about me.
If a man wrote this he would be hung, drawn and quartered.

@ANameChangeAgain

I see his total disregard of my thoughts about his health and lack of attractiveness as a sign of not caring enough about me. If a man wrote this he would be hung, drawn and quartered.

Sort of agree. He doesn't owe you a sexy bod. You don't have to find him attractive, but he hasn't wronged you by being less attractive or even by being less healthy. That's overstepping boundaries massively imo, whether you're male or female.

You have to be realistic. 63% of people in the UK are overweight or obese. Higher for older people. If you are in a long-term relationship spanning decades, not a few years, the chances are your partner will be overweight or obese. Not ideal but realistic.

I'm not saying you should stay with him. You could leave him then try to find someone who doesn't become overweight or obese in older age, this becomes increasingly unlikely over time as we get older.

I like trim well-kept men like I'm sure most women who like men do- but I'm quite realistic in middle-age about whether that is possible. I'm equally kind to myself about being a few pounds overweight.

I would feel very frustrated with your husband eating crap basically, and not caring at all. I do fight the good fight but still am not slender in my mid-life, even with healthy food and the odd bit of exercise- it becomes a life project for most people to stay slimmer once you get over a certain age.

It would be lovely if he would see the light and eat healthier, join you with exercise, ultimately he doesn't sound up for discussing it if he won't even stop drinking full fat coke, and I guess you do have to decide how much you can tolerate yourself and what your chances are of finding a similarly minded slim exercise-focused man in the future who has all of his good qualities. You might, you might not.

I think attraction is only a small part of the issue.

I want to be married to someone who takes care of their health. We cannot predict the future, but if I’m investing in a lifetime with someone, I want them to take care of their body so that we have a stronger chance of enjoying our future together.

I eat well and exercise, not just so that I stay an ‘ideal’ weight, but so that my body is as fit, strong and as full of energy as I can make it. I find life more enjoyable that way and I would find it hard to be with a partner who didn’t share that motivation.

@Goatinthegarden

I think attraction is only a small part of the issue.

I want to be married to someone who takes care of their health. We cannot predict the future, but if I’m investing in a lifetime with someone, I want them to take care of their body so that we have a stronger chance of enjoying our future together.

I eat well and exercise, not just so that I stay an ‘ideal’ weight, but so that my body is as fit, strong and as full of energy as I can make it. I find life more enjoyable that way and I would find it hard to be with a partner who didn’t share that motivation.

That's fine, and if you felt you couldn't be with someone who wasn't in your view taking care of their health, that would be completely fair enough!

However, they don't owe you a healthy body. They are allowed to do what they like without their dp saying "but what about MY feelings"? Because it's his body. You don't get to tell him what to do with it. You can leave him though. That's up to you (I'm assuming this is a hypothetical though).

Fwiw, I couldn't be with someone completely unhealthy either. It wouldn't just be about weight. But op can't make the issue all about her feelings on his body. That's not right.

Unfortunately you can’t force someone to lose weight. The more you pressure and push him into a corner, the more resistant he will become. It sounds like he needs to overhaul his attitude towards food and exercise, a complete lifestyle change. That needs to come from his desire to change.

If your love for him is conditional on his body size best leave him so he can find someone who loves him as he is.

My dh has gained a lot of weight over the years. I’d like him to lose weight for his health but I know that’s up to him so I would never nag him. I still love him and find him attractive as he is still very handsome. He hasn’t changed, he’s just bigger.

My weight has been up and down too, and if it’s affected how he views me he has never let me know. He has always told me that I’m beautiful even when I’m not at my best. That’s what marriage is.

I think just let him find someone who loves him as he is and leave him to find someone you’re attracted to as you clearly won’t accept him like this in the long-term

@Gettingthereslowly2020

I wouldn't stay with someone overweight if they weren't willing to do something about it. And yes, I'd say the same to a man posting about an overweight wife. You're not obligated to have a sexual relationship with someone you're no longer attracted to just because you signed a piece of paper years ago.

If you're not physically attracted to your spouse then you're just friends who live together aren't you? I have plenty of overweight friends, people come in all shapes and sizes but I wouldn't get into a romantic relationship with someone overweight because I don't find that attractive.

You've tried being supportive and encouraging but nothing is changing. You either leave or accept that this is your life now.

Yep, that's about the size of it as far as I'm concerned too. But we may be in a minority on this board

@CurzonDax

Wow. Imagine if a man had said this about a woman. The responses would be, "Every woman is beautiful and come in all shapes and sizes", or he'd be accused of body shaming and superficial for only being attractive to slim girls.

For the record, I would agree with all those kind of comments - a man should be ashamed of himself for body shaming any woman.

But the same standards also need to apply in reverse. I feel sorry for the OP's partner.

Well those wouldn't be my responses, just saying. Not everyone is beautiful and perfect whatever size they are in the eyes of everybody, what a bizarre notion.

He doesn’t owe you a sexy bod, that’s true. You can’t help it if you find it unattractive though.

Men would get lynched if they said this, it follows that they feel like this too.

You don't have to stay with anyone you're not attracted to. There's this weird idea on mumsnet that you have to stay even if your partner gains 20 stone because you must love the person inside and appearance is irrelevant.
If someone doesn't care enough about themselves or you to make changes then the relationship is dead. I don't say this as a skinny person either. I'm overweight overweight I'm changing it. I want to feel and look better for myself and my husband.

@Fluffycloudland77

He doesn’t owe you a sexy bod, that’s true. You can’t help it if you find it unattractive though.

Men would get lynched if they said this, it follows that they feel like this too.

Exactly what I said. You don't have to find him attractive or even to love him at every size. But he hasn't wronged you by gaining weight. That is ridiculous. I wouldn't stay with someone who had no regard for their own health either. But the argument that "if you loved me you'd be thinner" is gaslighting bullshit.

@OneforTheTeamo

I've been with my DP for close to five years. He had a bit of a tummy when I met him but at over six foot he could carry it off. Since then he has gradually put on at least 2 stone, all round his stomach and if I'm being honest I hate it. He moves like a fat man now, breathes heavily and snores like a train. He struggles to get up from the sofa and I feel embarrassed for him when we are out sometimes. He doesn't care and makes a joke about his size. We both love cooking and eating but I'm more into healthy things and keep myself very fit and in shape. I'm older than he is but would guess I'm a lot healthier. I've tried literally everything, gentle encouragement, suggestions of different diets, cooking healthily or making lovely salads but he will eat that then later go and make a bowl of noodles. He thickly spreads butter on bread and eats several slices with a meal. He'll eat large slices of cheese whilst cooking, so basically has zero interest in losing weight. He insists on full fat coke and gets cross if I buy diet. It's got to the stage now where his clothes are xxl and won't fit on the drier. Sex is just uncomfortable and though I love him and he's fabulous in other ways I don't want to stay with him in his current state. I've ended up losing it with him then hating myself as I can't be tactful anymore plus I see his total disregard of my thoughts about his health and lack of attractiveness as a sign of not caring enough about me. What can I do? Am I being unreasonable in giving him an ultimatum?

Imagine if a male poster put this post up.

''My wife is fat, I'm embarrassed for her. I keep trying to make her thinner, I even cook for her, skinny things like so that she can be thin, like I want her to be. I dont want to stay with her in her current state...'''

Your post OP is appalling and you have managed to centre his weight difficulties as being all about you. Ultimatum - um yes, then maybe he will be free to eat and be what he wants.
As an aside you could read the 'why we eat too much' book and learn about weight set points and how a lot of weight gain is really not affected by diet.