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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU in wanting my DP to lose weight?

158 replies

OneforTheTeamo · 26/11/2021 04:23

I've been with my DP for close to five years. He had a bit of a tummy when I met him but at over six foot he could carry it off.
Since then he has gradually put on at least 2 stone, all round his stomach and if I'm being honest I hate it. He moves like a fat man now, breathes heavily and snores like a train. He struggles to get up from the sofa and I feel embarrassed for him when we are out sometimes. He doesn't care and makes a joke about his size.
We both love cooking and eating but I'm more into healthy things and keep myself very fit and in shape. I'm older than he is but would guess I'm a lot healthier.
I've tried literally everything, gentle encouragement, suggestions of different diets, cooking healthily or making lovely salads but he will eat that then later go and make a bowl of noodles.
He thickly spreads butter on bread and eats several slices with a meal. He'll eat large slices of cheese whilst cooking, so basically has zero interest in losing weight. He insists on full fat coke and gets cross if I buy diet.
It's got to the stage now where his clothes are xxl and won't fit on the drier. Sex is just uncomfortable and though I love him and he's fabulous in other ways I don't want to stay with him in his current state.
I've ended up losing it with him then hating myself as I can't be tactful anymore plus I see his total disregard of my thoughts about his health and lack of attractiveness as a sign of not caring enough about me.
What can I do? Am I being unreasonable in giving him an ultimatum?

OP posts:
5128gap · 26/11/2021 11:56

Practically I think you need to decide whether you'd rather have him as he is than not at all. If you would rather not have him at all than have him fat, then issue the ultimatum. But in my experience very few people sustain weight loss, and those who love food and don't care about their weight are even less likely to. So, I think the chances of him going back to what you want aren't great. In the scheme of things, how much does it matter? No one's perfect (my DP looks amazing but is an embarrassing twat in other ways) its just a case of balancing the good with the bad really.

Siameasy · 26/11/2021 11:58

@Crazycrazylady

I think the recent narrative around how the of people are fat now so get over it is a really dangerous one. Its almost like its viewed as totally inevitable that we're all going to end up overweight so a) what's the point in trying and b)you're being unreasonable to have an issue with it in a partner seeing as its more or less inevitable.

There is no getting away from the fact that being overweight has been totally normalised to a degree that is absolutely not healthy for us as a society,

Agree but…

You know what - if people want to be obese go for it. In fact, let’s all aspire to being really really fat since apparently it’s so brilliant and “you go gurrrrl” “slay qween” and “nice to see real bodies”

It’s got to be horrible being obese (uncomfortable, out of breath, thighs chafing etc etc) otherwise someone would’ve set up an industry charging people to get obese*. But we are meant to pretend it is absolutely fiiiiine in fact desirable. Don’t worry about it nothing to see here!

*I guess there actually is-McDonalds

Marvellousflowers · 26/11/2021 12:03

@Saucy99

a lot of weight gain is really not affected by diet.

@Marvellousflowers

What a load of rubbish

@saucy99 I suggest you read the available literature that is current. Diet is one of the lowest influence factors. Weight set point is the newest research and shows that most weight is not affected by diet.

www.bidmc.org/about-bidmc/wellness-insights/nutrition/week-one-the-science-of-set-point

LettertoHermoine · 26/11/2021 12:13

@Marvellousflowers emmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm have you actually read it?

Your heredity and your environment-starting back at the moment of your conception-determine your set point.Over the long term, excess food and insufficient exercise will override your body's natural tendency to stay at its set point and lead to a higher, less healthy set point.

A slow, gradual weight gain, (a 20-pound weight gain over several decades) will fool your body into thinking that your set point should be higher -and in fact, that does reset your set point. Then, when you try to lose weight, your body defends that higher weight, making weight loss more difficult.

But just as it's possible to reset your set point to a higher point, it's also possible to lower it. The secret is to work with, not against, your body's natural tendencies and lose weight slowly, one silhouette at a time.

Internal Controls vs. Environmental Factors
There are internal controls that govern this complex process. These controls include a tiny structure deep within the brain, nerves that run between the brain and stomach, and a host of hormones, but ultimately, your behavior-how you respond to the environment-trumps your physiology, or your body's inner workings.

Oversized portions of high-calorie (and often inexpensive) foods are readily available, day and night.
Modern conveniences -everything from electric toothbrushes to leaf-blowers to cars-mean we don't have as many opportunities to exercise.

Stellaris22 · 26/11/2021 12:22

So slim=fit, healthy and fat=unhealthy, unfit.

I don't think a lot of people here exercise or go the gym because that's absolutely not the case. You can't judge someone's health purely on how they look.

Saucy99 · 26/11/2021 12:24

@Marvellousflowers
I read it. Did you link the wrong article? It's an article about health EATING.....

Mynameismax · 26/11/2021 12:25

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Sparklfairy · 26/11/2021 12:27

@Mynameismax it wasn't really the "gotcha" you thought it was Hmm

Skyll · 26/11/2021 12:34

I’m fat. I’m also disabled and can’t go to the gym. I can’t really move around.

Guess I’m doomed to be single for ever. Thanks op. Just what I needed today.

authenticforgery · 26/11/2021 12:34

[quote Sparklfairy]@Mynameismax it wasn't really the "gotcha" you thought it was Hmm[/quote]
They really thought they did something there. Awkward.

TwentinQuarantino · 26/11/2021 12:34

My DH has also gained a lot of weight over recent years, he is very heavy compared to when we got together. He is 6"2 and has always been broad but now it's just reached the point where he's always in pain (GP suspects fatty liver) or out of breath. He cant sit on our sofas as he ends up with back or hip pain. DH knows it's problematic and has been trying to lose weight with dieting and OMAD and doing well. But I think that's the difference between my DH and yours. DH IS trying, even if some days he falls weak and gorges on anything he can find. But I find me having a go or nagging is entirely unhelpful because it makes him feel worse and then he goes and comfort eats some more. We've stopped bringing crap food. I prepare salads for us both and he appreciates it. The DC have picked up on our eating habits and started enjoying different veg also.

DH knows his weight isn't attractive, and I'm inclined to say most obese people want to lose weight... so they can't realistically expect their partners to love their bodies if they don't love them themselves. A medical condition or pregnancy etc can't be compared to deliberate weight gain due to overeating and inactivity. It's a difficult one, OP. You want to help but what can be done if he won't help himself.

Mynameismax · 26/11/2021 12:34

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MyComputerGetsSadWithoutMe · 26/11/2021 12:36

How small is your dryer?

Mynameismax · 26/11/2021 12:37

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TwentinQuarantino · 26/11/2021 12:37

I think OP meant a clothes horse?

Mynameismax · 26/11/2021 12:38

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vodkaredbullgirl · 26/11/2021 12:41
Hmm
Classica · 26/11/2021 12:41

@Mynameismax

Other thread down but thanks for the fast experiment validating the presence of double standards alive & well.
9/10 people said 'is this a thread about a thread?'

You really showed 'em.

Sparklfairy · 26/11/2021 12:41

@Mynameismax using inflammatory words designed to get peoples backs up is hardly conclusive. You didn't even get the "proof" of double standards in the end.

Mynameismax · 26/11/2021 12:43

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Skyll · 26/11/2021 12:44

So @Mynameismax you’ve made me feel even worse on a day when I felt shit to start with. Does that make you feel clever?

Sittingonabench · 26/11/2021 12:44

In some threads like this you can tell the person’s concern comes from a place of worry about their partners health but yours reads as if your concern is entirely about yourself and your perception. You say your embarrassed for him when you go out but it certainly comes across as you’re embarrassed of him. The thing is for him to lose weight the motivation has to be all about him. Him valuing himself, loving himself etc. Dieting to fix something you don’t like IME doesn’t work - valuing yourself enough to know your body, mind and spirit deserves the best care leads to lasting change, which may include weight loss or may not. It’s not about you, it’s about his relationship with himself and so pressure from you will do the opposite and make him feel he’s not good enough.

LettertoHermoine · 26/11/2021 12:45

[quote Saucy99]@Marvellousflowers
I read it. Did you link the wrong article? It's an article about health EATING.....[/quote]
Nope, this is the article you linked...

www.bidmc.org/about-bidmc/wellness-insights/nutrition/week-one-the-science-of-set-point

Sparklfairy · 26/11/2021 12:46

@Mynameismax sorry, what? Just another bloke wading in to mansplain about how we're forum-ing wrong. Yawn.

Darkpheonix · 26/11/2021 12:46

@Mynameismax

Other thread down but thanks for the fast experiment validating the presence of double standards alive & well.
As discussed on there it doesn't.

Mn can't have double standards as it's not it own sentient being.

Its a collection of individuals. You could only prove some printers have double standards.

But also, there's a few posts on this thread saying op isn't nice and how they feel sorry for the dp. Just like there was on the other thread. So there's actually no difference.

Its really not the well thought out experiment that you think.

Fact is, male or female, if you partner no longer funds you attractive and its causing problems in the relationship, it's really OK for then ro walk away. Just like its really OK for you to not want to change something or do something.

Ending a relationship because you are no longer happy, for whatever reason is really OK. And doesn't make anyone a villain.

Despite what some people may think.