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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in wanting my DP to lose weight?

158 replies

OneforTheTeamo · 26/11/2021 04:23

I've been with my DP for close to five years. He had a bit of a tummy when I met him but at over six foot he could carry it off.
Since then he has gradually put on at least 2 stone, all round his stomach and if I'm being honest I hate it. He moves like a fat man now, breathes heavily and snores like a train. He struggles to get up from the sofa and I feel embarrassed for him when we are out sometimes. He doesn't care and makes a joke about his size.
We both love cooking and eating but I'm more into healthy things and keep myself very fit and in shape. I'm older than he is but would guess I'm a lot healthier.
I've tried literally everything, gentle encouragement, suggestions of different diets, cooking healthily or making lovely salads but he will eat that then later go and make a bowl of noodles.
He thickly spreads butter on bread and eats several slices with a meal. He'll eat large slices of cheese whilst cooking, so basically has zero interest in losing weight. He insists on full fat coke and gets cross if I buy diet.
It's got to the stage now where his clothes are xxl and won't fit on the drier. Sex is just uncomfortable and though I love him and he's fabulous in other ways I don't want to stay with him in his current state.
I've ended up losing it with him then hating myself as I can't be tactful anymore plus I see his total disregard of my thoughts about his health and lack of attractiveness as a sign of not caring enough about me.
What can I do? Am I being unreasonable in giving him an ultimatum?

OP posts:
Goatinthegarden · 26/11/2021 10:51

@DontGetYourKnickersInATwist
That's fine, and if you felt you couldn't be with someone who wasn't in your view taking care of their health, that would be completely fair enough! However, they don't owe you a healthy body. They are allowed to do what they like without their dp saying "but what about MY feelings"? Because it's his body. You don't get to tell him what to do with it. You can leave him though. That's up to you (I'm assuming this is a hypothetical though). Fwiw, I couldn't be with someone completely unhealthy either. It wouldn't just be about weight. But op can't make the issue all about her feelings on his body. That's not right.

I totally agree that someone doesn’t owe me a healthy body. I would never force someone to change for me.

For me it is not just about weight either, I have a friend who is very slim but has become really inactive and I have found our friendship waning recently because we no longer enjoy the same social activities and move around at different paces.

It is hypothetical, but I think I would end up resenting someone who made no effort to join me in the lifestyle that I feel is important to lead. I have no problem with other people wanting to live their life however they desire, but I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who’s outlook was so different from mine.

Much in the same way I might not want to be with someone who suddenly changed their political views, or started believing in something I didn’t agree with.

Original poster
OneforTheTeamo · 26/11/2021 10:55

Marvellousflowers
It's not appalling, he's a gorgeous looking man with a fantastic personality and I love him very much but his fat takes away from his looks. I'm guessing you're on the large side to be so defensive?
It's not all about me It's about his self respect and more importantly his health, both now and long term.
I'm not shallow, fat is unattractive and that is a fact, but we aren't supposed to fat shame but instead watch overweight people gorge themselves and make excuses.
I know losing weight is tough but there's no doubt slim is both healthy and sexy.
Yes I can see now that saying I'd give him an ultimatum is draconian and unrealistic, I love the guy! I just want him to get back to his former weight for his health's sake.

OP posts:
NightmareSlashDelightful · 26/11/2021 11:04

I'm guessing you're on the large side to be so defensive?

Charming!

Original poster
OneforTheTeamo · 26/11/2021 11:08

NightmareSlashDelightful

It just figures...excuse the pun. From my experience people who get hot and bothered about comments regarding size are usually taking it personally.

OP posts:
ChateauxNeufDePoop · 26/11/2021 11:10

@OneforTheTeamo

Marvellousflowers It's not appalling, he's a gorgeous looking man with a fantastic personality and I love him very much but his fat takes away from his looks. I'm guessing you're on the large side to be so defensive? It's not all about me It's about his self respect and more importantly his health, both now and long term. I'm not shallow, fat is unattractive and that is a fact, but we aren't supposed to fat shame but instead watch overweight people gorge themselves and make excuses. I know losing weight is tough but there's no doubt slim is both healthy and sexy. Yes I can see now that saying I'd give him an ultimatum is draconian and unrealistic, I love the guy! I just want him to get back to his former weight for his health's sake.
Well you've contradicted yourself there.

"his fat takes away from his looks" & "fat is unattractive"

vs

"I just want him to get back to his former weight for his health's sake"

Stellaris22 · 26/11/2021 11:11

Being slim or skinny isn't a sign of being healthy though. I've been in spin classes where very slim people have given up after five minutes, but the individuals OP would label as fat (so unhealthy) have powered through and are amazing.

I wonder how OP would feel if her husband was fit but in her eyes, still overweight.

Marvellousflowers · 26/11/2021 11:11

@OneforTheTeamo

Marvellousflowers It's not appalling, he's a gorgeous looking man with a fantastic personality and I love him very much but his fat takes away from his looks. I'm guessing you're on the large side to be so defensive? It's not all about me It's about his self respect and more importantly his health, both now and long term. I'm not shallow, fat is unattractive and that is a fact, but we aren't supposed to fat shame but instead watch overweight people gorge themselves and make excuses. I know losing weight is tough but there's no doubt slim is both healthy and sexy. Yes I can see now that saying I'd give him an ultimatum is draconian and unrealistic, I love the guy! I just want him to get back to his former weight for his health's sake.
Hey, You are making everything conditional on him being the weight you want or prefer. What if he suddenly was paralyzed, went blind, had a disability - would you be as judgemental then?

I'm not at all defensive merely pointing out the appalling way you see your partner. For the record I'm at my normal weight, run, swim every week and generally healthy but guess what even if I was not my partner would still be there for me and still love me as I was. Even your comment about me shws hat you will readily resort to using weight as a shaming tool to get what you want.

His self respect and his health are exactly that - his. So if you dont want to accept that maybe you should find someone thinner and move on? You dont want him to be healthy, you want him to be thin, like you want.

Did you ever think that maybe some of his emotional eating could be triggered by being with a controlling and shaming partner? Appalling. he sounds like he would be better off single.

theleafandnotthetree · 26/11/2021 11:12

@OneforTheTeamo

Marvellousflowers It's not appalling, he's a gorgeous looking man with a fantastic personality and I love him very much but his fat takes away from his looks. I'm guessing you're on the large side to be so defensive? It's not all about me It's about his self respect and more importantly his health, both now and long term. I'm not shallow, fat is unattractive and that is a fact, but we aren't supposed to fat shame but instead watch overweight people gorge themselves and make excuses. I know losing weight is tough but there's no doubt slim is both healthy and sexy. Yes I can see now that saying I'd give him an ultimatum is draconian and unrealistic, I love the guy! I just want him to get back to his former weight for his health's sake.
OP, I'm pretty much with you on this but you are going to get your arse handed to you on a plate with this post, honestly. On a broader level, I find it terrible how as a wider society we have almost accepted that eventually we'll all end up fat and unhealthy. How we are now is a blip in terms of human evolution, the size your partner is and hos seeming indifference to it would have been considered highly unusual and note-worthy even 30 or 40 years ago but no, you're the bitch for not being DELIGHTED with him. I sometimes think we've lost our collective self respect. I feel the same about people going around perpetually in slobby clothes and pyjama like atire but that's a whole other thread!
Marvellousflowers · 26/11/2021 11:12

@NightmareSlashDelightful

I'm guessing you're on the large side to be so defensive?

Charming!

Tells me so much about the OP. Poor guy in that life with her.
whumpthereitis · 26/11/2021 11:17

Love may be blind, but sexual attraction usually isn’t. You can love someone deeply, but your desire for them can indeed change or cease to be. This applies to both men and women.

As much as you aren’t entitled to an attractive partner (as someone pointed out earlier in the thread), said partner can’t demand your attraction to them.

Your feelings are valid, OP. However, any change has to come from him.

Electricbug321 · 26/11/2021 11:27

It is not a fact that fat is unattractive, it’s an opinion. You are entitled to it, but I think it’s a real shame you are so fixated on this, he sounds like a good partner and you love him.

Accept him as he is or leave, don’t put him down.

Crazycrazylady · 26/11/2021 11:31

I think the recent narrative around how the of people are fat now so get over it is a really dangerous one.
Its almost like its viewed as totally inevitable that we're all going to end up overweight so a) what's the point in trying and b)you're being unreasonable to have an issue with it in a partner seeing as its more or less inevitable.

There is no getting away from the fact that being overweight has been totally normalised to a degree that is absolutely not healthy for us as a society,

whynotwhatknot · 26/11/2021 11:34

im fat its my own fault i accept that -but it doesnt mean i dont repsect my partner its a mental thing-i eat when im down then im down when i put on weight

it has nothing to do with dh though-if he felt like you did i would be upset

Bookworm20 · 26/11/2021 11:36

@whumpthereitis

Love may be blind, but sexual attraction usually isn’t. You can love someone deeply, but your desire for them can indeed change or cease to be. This applies to both men and women.

As much as you aren’t entitled to an attractive partner (as someone pointed out earlier in the thread), said partner can’t demand your attraction to them.

Your feelings are valid, OP. However, any change has to come from him.

This.

I think it would be very different if he was gaining weight due to a medical condition.

The fact he is just eating far too much and not caring, is probably what is making him less attractive to you, more so than his actual size.

Its a very difficult conversation to have without hurting someone's feelings, impossible perhaps. But I would most definitely want my DP to give me the heads up if my eating and subsequent weight gain was having an affect on his attraction to me, even though he would not love me any less. These 2 things do not always remain hand in hand. I'd be angry and pissed off probably, and feel insulted and call him unreasonable, but ultimately I would know he was right and not just saying it to hurt me, and only then do something about it.

Sometimes we need to be cruel to be kind.

In an ideal world we would of course unfailingly find our partners attractive regardless. But we don't live in an ideal world.

Hadalifeonce · 26/11/2021 11:37

If you all the food shopping, I would stop buying all 'treats' and other things to nibble on. I would also reduce the carbs, buying wholemeal pasta, brown or wild rice. It's how we have started on a bit of a healthy eating thing. Also we are playing games or cards in the evening to stop any TV binging.

5128gap · 26/11/2021 11:39

What a person considers attractive or otherwise is morally neutral. Not feeling attraction to a person who is fat, short, bald, thin, or whatever, is not something to feel bad about. You can't help it and no amount if being told you're shallow is going to change it. If he won't change
In a way that makes him more attractive to you, which is his right, you have 2 options. Accept your partner is no longer physically attractive to you and put up with it, or leave him for someone who is. Its pointless trying to guilt yourself into pretending to be ok with something you're not.

theleafandnotthetree · 26/11/2021 11:41

@Crazycrazylady

I think the recent narrative around how the of people are fat now so get over it is a really dangerous one. Its almost like its viewed as totally inevitable that we're all going to end up overweight so a) what's the point in trying and b)you're being unreasonable to have an issue with it in a partner seeing as its more or less inevitable.

There is no getting away from the fact that being overweight has been totally normalised to a degree that is absolutely not healthy for us as a society,

You said what I was trying to say so much better!
Grapewrath · 26/11/2021 11:45

Neither of you are unreasonable
He is entitled to eat what he likes and live however he lives. You are entitled to no longer find your fb attractive due to his weight and demotivating.
If DH doesn’t want to change then you need to ask yourself if you are prepared to accept him as he is, or do you want to call it a day

Siameasy · 26/11/2021 11:45

Yanbu to find it off putting I would too
Thing is you can lead a horse to water…it’s similar to an addiction. Only they can change things. Your ultimatum probably won’t work; he likes food too much.

Grapewrath · 26/11/2021 11:45

Dh not fb ffs

Stellaris22 · 26/11/2021 11:47

I'm not entirely convinced slim=healthy. A person can run, go to the gym regularly and still be bigger than someone who is naturally slim.

However as a society we deem the slim person to be the healthy person. This isn't always the case.

Original poster
OneforTheTeamo · 26/11/2021 11:47

Crazycrazylady

Brilliantly said. You only have to see ads on TV to see how they are trying to normalise being fat.
The NHS is being crippled by the effects of people being overweight.

OP posts:
Saucy99 · 26/11/2021 11:47

What sort of tumble dryer do you have if his clothes don't fit in there?

Saucy99 · 26/11/2021 11:50

a lot of weight gain is really not affected by diet.

@Marvellousflowers

What a load of rubbish

LittleMysSister · 26/11/2021 11:54

I sympathise OP, my DP has a similar lack of interest in modifying anything about his diet, despite being overweight and always moaning that he struggles to find clothes that fit (he is a tall man too, which doesn't help).

He does enjoy going to the gym though - does your DH have any interest in stuff like that? Could you get into a routine together maybe?

I honestly don't know what else you can do, as I feel like with my DP there really is very little that can change his attitude. If I go on a bit of a health kick he will tend to join in, but give up after a day or so - and it sounds like you already follow a healthy diet etc so I guess that wouldn't work for you anyway.

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