AIBU to think my SIL and BIL have been insensitive?

[IviSable]

Hi everyone,

I'm looking to get some perspective from kind strangers.

Before I get into, here's a bit of context about my situation. My DH and I have had a hellish couple of years trying to start a family. We got pregnant naturally last year but this tragically ended in me having a termination for medical reasons quite far along into the second trimester. We have since undergone IVF, which very sadly ended in a chemical pregnancy. We're now looking to go into a second round of IVF asap.

Last year when we lost our baby, my SIL and BIL, who didn't at that time have any children, were supportive and appeared to understand how devastating this event was for us. After we lost the baby, DH and I put the wheels into motion to do IVF. We had a long 6 month wait before we could start our treatment. Early on into that 6 month period, I discover that my SIL and BIL are also going to do IVF, but as this is not something we discussed I didn't know the timescales for their IVF treatment.

At this point I started to worry about how my SIL and BIL would handle things if my SIL got pregnant before me, so I decided to contact SIL (who I wasn't on bad terms with but am not that close with either) to explain that should we find ourselves in that situation we'd need the matter to be dealt with sensitively and that I may need space from them. DH also had a similar discussion with his DB. Both my SIL and BIL said they understood and would be sensitive to us.

Fast forward a couple of months and I accidentally find out that my SIL is pregnant. This was completely unintended, but without going into too much detail (it's a bit long winded and I wouldn't want to give away too many of the details for fear of being identified) I found this out due to the carelessness of SIL and BIL. I was angry that they'd been so careless with our feelings despite knowing all we'd been through, so I cut contact with them both, only messaging on birthdays and to congratulate them when they finally publicly announced they were having a baby. DH didn't want me to tell them that we'd found out she was pregnant before they announced it, so we said nothing and I made my excuses and avoided them. This may seem extreme, but leading up to this I'd already started to strongly suspect that my SIL may be pregnant because of unusual behaviour by them - for example, SIL took a call on speaker phone from her family when we were all out together one day and immediately said to them that she was out with DH and I. It was apparent to me that she didn't want them saying something in front of us.

Fast forward another couple of months and SIL and BIL announce they're pregnant. Not long after this I get wind that SIL has been complaining that she feels no one on DH's side of the family is that excited for them. I found this out because my BIL told DH. This made DH feel guilty and so he approached me to say he was going to buy SIL a present for the baby. Now, I have no issue with DH doing this, but what I do take issue with is my BIL saying this to DH given the heartbreaking loss we had last year. SIL and BIL were aware at this point that we were going through IVF and that we'd already been through a lot. It was a massive kick in the teeth to hear that SIL was complaining about people not being excited for her pregnancy that was going well, and when she knew we were still going through IVF and all the anxiety that brings with it.

The final nail in the coffin was that they threw a baby shower with the whole family (not just women, which I thought was the norm but everyone) but me, given they know I wouldn't go. This to me was extremely poor taste under the circumstances. I have no issues with normal baby showers (SIL of course has every right to be excitement and celebrate), but to have a family party with both men and women was IMHO OTT and extremely insensitive.

SIL also never messaged me to say she understands why this may be difficult for us given all the loss we've had over the past couple of years. Had she acknowledged this just once to me, it would have gone a very long way, but there was nothing.

AIBU to feel they've been insensitive in light of our situation?

Thanks very much for any responses!

Sorry but you are being completely unreasonable and displaying a total lack of perspective and self awareness

The OP has come back and is taking comments on board despite being in a bad place herself. Perhaps everyone could lay off the pile on now?

I don't understand why the size/scale of her baby shower matters if you never had any intention of going.

I've been on both sides of this - infertility, fertility cycles that failed and a miscarriage while the whole world seemed to get pregnant. What I had to come to terms with was that the world keeps turning and everyone was entitled to be happy regardless of my situation.

I also found out I was pregnant with my 2nd (unplanned but very much wanted) 2 weeks after my friend lost her baby at 21 weeks. I told her before I told anyone else after my Mum. She was truly amazing and said to me that of course she wanted to be pregnant and she wanted a baby desperately...the baby she had lost, but she had no right to control my happiness. I tried to be as careful as possible to keep things low key, though she always asked my how I was and wanted to talk about my pregnancy. She said my 'journey' gave her hope that she would have children. And she did...2 lovely children, the first just over a year after my 2nd was born.

I understand your devastation, but you need to separate out your grief and allow yourself to process it knowing that the rest of the world will still carry on and others are entitled to their lives. Her pregnancy is not about you - it's about her child.

OP, it took 5 years of unexplained infertility for me to have IVF and a successful pregnancy. I understand grief at not having a child and the need to not go to baby showers. I couldnt attend my best friend's one. She completely understood. I unfollowed people on social media (but didnt unfriend) if I saw that they were pregnant to protect myself from updates. I congratulated people but each time felt devastated for myself.

I imagine your SIL will have felt similar to an extent knowing she needed IVF which may or may not work. It is stressful.

Once I became pregnant I had a conversation with people I knew were in my shoes and said I understood if they needed to unfollow me. However I did share news online as it was now finally my turn to be happy. I also had a baby shower which was not just women because my husband had been through what I had too and also wanted to celebrate.

I think they seem to have done everything they reasonably could, without completely taking the joy away from themselves. It was a mistake you found out early and not their fault. They didnt invite you to the shower to be sensitive toward you. But they still have a right to celebrate and be happy. Your SIL has a right, especially after her own struggles, to feel sad if it didnt seem people were as happy as she would have hoped. When you struggle to conceive, you often imagine how it will be if you do.

I think your feelings are completely valid and normal and you are right to self care by not going to things etc but others need to be able to do what is best for them too. Try not to let this impact your relationship with them. They arent in the wrong - but you also arent in the wrong for feeling the way you do which is the grief talking. I would really recommend counselling as processing your emotions with regard to all you've been through is so important.

I wish you every joy and success for the future

I feel so sorry for you. I remember exactly what it’s like to be in your position. Logic and reason goes out the window and good on you for reading through and realising perhaps you need a new approach. However what you and your husband are going through is awful. Be kind to yourself. You just need to find a coping mechanism and do what works for you. I pray one day very soon your Jew niece or nephew has a baby cousin and this becomes a sad memory.
This journey you are on is a complete emotional rollercoaster made a million times harder when someone so close is pregnant. Try and flip it and see that they are an ivf success story and build on that and hurl yourself into your ivf knowing ok sometimes it doesn’t work but you have proof there that yes it can and pray it’s your turn next.
Boost can understand what this horrendous pain is like unless they have walked in your shoes. Good luck to you with your ivf I truly pray your baby will be with you soon

OP I think you have been very brave to share how you are feeling, and I am really sorry to hear about your loss.

Firstly, dont listen to any hateful comments. Some people come on here just to troll. There are people who will give you constructive feedback.

Secondly, you are grieving and you are entitled to do that however you feel. I mean, I agree that you can't dictate to someone how to celebrate their pregnancy, but you are absolutely within your right to distance yourself if you feel hurt. There is nothing wrong with looking after your mental health too. I can't even begin to imagine how it must feel to lose a child. The fact that you are able to keep going is amazing and time will heal. Your angel baby will be with you always and I really hope you get your rainbow baby too.

Don't be so hard on yourself and don't worry about other people's opinions. You do what is right for you xxx

Infertility took me to the darkest places and 5 years on i am still affected by it. I became a person I did not like and obsessed with other people's pregnancies, counting how long they were married and whether they 'deserved' to have a baby yet. I remember being annoyed that a friend who was very overweight getting pregnant but not me. I found peoples second pregnancies particularly tough, they were now a happy family of four and there I was without even a single positive test. I could have quite easily thought quite a lot of the thoughts of your situation during that time, I was so low. In all honesty it wasn't necessarily all baby events that made me struggle but even weddings/ parties. I could comprehend making small talk as I was just so sad and when people were asking about my life literally the only thing that was going on was the constant failure of long term TTC.

I can see with hindsight how unwell my mental health was at that time and how I really should have accessed counselling to work through these things but I didn't. I decided after a few years that if I wasn't going to be a mum I didn't want to do my job for the next 40 years just for a good maternity package so threw myself into a new uni course and retrained. I was so busy with that that I didn't even notice the depression slowly lifting and that I was starting to see joy in things again and stopped having such horrible intrusive unpleasant thoughts about other people. I slept better and lost 2 stone and began exercising.

My DH never felt the pain I did, I remember being distinctly sad about a friend announcing a pregnancy and he said "you know there is not a finite number of babies, her pregnancy does not mean that its one chance away from you" and even now I think about it all the time because obviously its so true but when yoy are in the thick of it its impossible to see.

What I did expect, perhaps unreasonably so, is for them to tread a little more carefully around us.

It seems they have though. I can’t think of how they could have done more so without being completely unreasonable to themselves. Your expectations are completely unrealistic and completely one-sided, you just can’t see it.

No idea how you believe them having a really small, low key baby shower where they wanted everyone to pretend they were not excited would have helped you, and anything else being insensitive to you? Are you expecting the same for their birth, that they don’t announce it widely, and ask people to be seen to be ambivalent about it? Do you really believe this will make you feel better about your situation? Even if so, can you see how utterly unfair you are being to them?

I had just hoped they'd tread a little more carefully around us given the discussions we'd had with them early on, which they were very amenable to.

They have treaded carefully around you though! Your SIL announced she was with you on that loudspeaker phonecall to protect you! They didn't expect you at the babyshower because they were being respectful of YOUR feelings. Your SIL never messaged you because YOU said YOU wanted space and she didn't put the burden on you of even trying to fake being happy for her.

You're angry that you 'got wind' that your SIL had been complaining. She's just as entitled to her feelings as you are. It would be insensitive if she complained to you about it but shes entitled to share her feelings with other people and can't be blamed for you 'getting wind of' or 'finding out' or 'suspecting' anything.

You don't just want them to tread carefully around you, you want them to change their whole lives and response to this pregnancy, even in ways unrelated to you (babyshower) because of your loss and feelings. I understand it must be so so hard for you but it doesn't mean their whole lives, even the parts not directly in contact with yours, should change.

DH and his DB did agree that his DB would tell my DH if they got pregnant and that he would then tell me. That unfortuneatly didn't happen as I found out two months before I was meant to.

That said, I've had friends tell me about their pregnancies in as nice a way as possible and I've felt fine about those.

This was an accident, but it could have been completely avoided.

OP, it’s clear that you’re in a lot of pain, and the sense I got from your posts is that there is a script in your head of how these announcements should go i.e. you finding out 2 months before you’re meant to, and your friends telling you about their pregnancies ‘in as nice a way as possible’. It’s good that friends and family are being gentle with you, but you have to make allowances for people, they will make mistakes. That’s also why an accident can’t really be avoided, otherwise it wouldn’t be an accident. It sounds like you’re surrounded by people who car for you and have never wanted to hurt you.

Wow, OP. I'm so sorry for your struggles but you're massively projecting onto them. It sounds like they did everything you asked. What will you do when the baby is born, demand that his uncle (your husband) doesn't see him?

I know you are in pain. But you should have empathy tok, if you've been through similar struggles. If you were finally having a baby would it be fair for someone to say you shouldn't celebrate it with family and friends and be over the moon about it?

This isn't about you. I do think you are being very unreasonable.

In case anyone is wondering who on earth pressed YANBU, my finger slipped!

I am however very sorry for your situation, OP.

@Bloodybridget

In case anyone is wondering who on earth pressed YANBU, my finger slipped!

I am however very sorry for your situation, OP.

You can change your vote if you want to, just click on the right bit

It may be helpful to consider this more from a framework of 'boundaries' rather than 'sensitivities'.

For example, you told your SIL that you may need to take some space if she became pregnant because of your own sadness. This is fair enough and although she may have been disappointed you would not be there to share her pregnancy happiness with her, she understood it could be upsetting for you, so she respected your boundary about needing space.

You also said you could not come to her baby shower. Again, although she may have been disappointed that you were not there to celebrate her pregnancy, she understood it could be upsetting to you, so she respected this boundary.

However to say that she should have had a different kind of party to the one she did is moving outside your own boundaries and into controlling her life. You decided you couldn't be there for her celebration because of your own sadness, and that's fair. But to think you should be able to have a say in how she celebrates her happiness is controlling.

It would be like a sister who was disappointed she hadn't gotten married telling her brother that he's not allowed a big wedding because it hurts her feelings.

Your sadness is real, but it can only affect other people's lives up to the point where you are not there for them. It is nothing to do with how they choose to live their own lives.

I feel for you, but it sounds like what you are really angry about is that they dared to get pregnant before you did. And that is VU.

@IviSable this jumped out at me

As to SIL being upset DH's side of the family weren't excited, this was just her opinion.

Do you see the irony? You express your feelings and expect everyone to acknowledge them and plan their lives around them.

She ezpreases hers and its just an opinion and then go on to explain how she is wrong.

You can nor expect everyone to live around your emotions, validate them unquestioningly then say that their feelings are wrong. It's hypocritical and shows that you are so immersed in your own grief, that you can't acknowledge other people have perfectly valid feelings. Its like you believe they are not people in their own right. They are side characters in your story. A story you are writing where you get to dictate their feelings, actions and responses.

You feel they should have only had the baby shower you think they should so your dh didn't feel he should go. You want them to plan everything around you with your feelings as the priority.

You asked for space then complain she didn't approach you. How would she know you were ready for her too or wanted her to. Maybe she wanted to, maybe she didn't. But she respected your request for space. But again, she doesn't have to act in a way you feel comfortable with if she doesn't.

My personal opinion is that if person A asks person B for space, it's up to person A to let B know when they have had enough space. B should respect the request for space and can't possibly know when A is ready.

Also, when asking for space, A needs to accept that while B may give them space, there will come a point where B can not live waiting for A to decide all is well again. B needs to live their own life. Not spending it wondering if A will be happy with their actions, hoping if their actions are 'right' enough A will end the period of space. Not trying to guess what A thinks is the right thing to do. That's just wrong and quite cruel of A.

That cruelty may come from an understandable place of immense pain and may not intended to be cruelty. It may be intended to be self preservation. But its cruelty to the other person, all the same. Even if that's not the intent.

Sorry- but whilst understandable who have and are being extremely unreasonable. She had to hide her pregnancy from you both, accidentally didn't, and is dating to celebrate and you think it's all against you.........you are both going through IVF and it could have been either one of you. Whilst it's really hard, juts for one minute, imagine all you wrote is what SIL said about you, if it was the other way round. You must know you're wrong, and whilst I do understand that trying to conceive can be very difficult, this is all on you, not them.

Im sorry for your losses. As someone who has been through ivf following 5 years of infertility, I think you're being massively unreasonable. You've let your emotions cloud your judgement and are being really unfair to sil.

Yes it hurts she's pregnant but she's entailed to be happy. She probably didn't invite you to the baby shower because she knew you'd make it a miserable experience.

I wish I could give you a big hug and give your head a wobble at the same time.

Please get some counselling because it doesn't sound like you're coping and loosing all sense of perspective.

I know your pain, been through it as so many people on here have. OP please for your own sake and those around you, seek some help. You cannot carry on like this. Unfortunately falling pregnant is largely out of your control and trying to shift that control onto you SIL life and how she handles being pregnant is going to drive you mad. You just can't. You were going to be angry and take offence at whatever they did, they can't do anything right as they have done the ultimate wrong haven't they by getting pregnant in the first place.
Your MH sounds at rock bottom. What happens when baby comes? Will they be expected not to be excited, not to put cards up, only to show people when you deem it's acceptable?? You can't live this way and neither can they. Look after yourself and focus on getting the help you need.

Even with your update op your bil and sil have done everything to be sensitive to your struggles they were very much entitled to have a family celebration. I imagine poor sil feels this time is being spoilt and she can't enjoy her pregnancy the comment about not having a big shower demonstrates that. What will happen when she does have the baby if this behaviour continues when he's born it could cause unrepairable damage. Are they not allowed to do christening or birthday party's. You don't know for sure if they have tried naturally and had a lost. I've had a miscarriage and not told family members you don't know what's gone on within their relationship.

Your grief is obviously so raw OP, I'm sorry for your loss and ongoing issues.

Have you accessed counselling for your feelings?

Oh, OP, I am sorry you had such a devastating loss and this is such a tough process to be going through.

In the end, there is nothing your SIL and BIL can do that changes the reality if the situation you are in. You are struggling,, and that is understandable and if your pain doesn’t ricochet off your ILs it will be something else.

Whatever happens (snd I wish you luck) you DH still needs his brother.

Your ILs fortune is not connected with your loss and difficulty: they have not taken anything from you. They accidentally left something at your house… accidents happen. They had a baby shower that broke sexist stereotypes, it wasn’t a dig at you.

OP: I am thinking about the way you and your DH actually anticipated how you would feel if ILs IVF was successful before your own. You had actually decided that this would be tough rather than joining them on the IVF journey, supporting each other, and then waiting to see how you felt.

Maybe to some extent you wrote your own script and are now trapped in it.

Suppose, just for an hour, you live as if you are pleased to know that IVF can be successful. Be happy for your SIL. Just trying it out, for an hour: acting as if you felt that way, I know you can’t actually suddenly feel that way, but ‘acting as if’ sometimes helps us loosen entrenched reactions to our feelings.

You haven’t done anything wrong, BIL and SIL haven’t done anything wrong. You are hurting from loss snd struggling with fear, and it isn’t easy.

I found this out due to the carelessness of SIL and BIL. I was angry that they'd been so careless with our feelings despite knowing all we'd been through, so I cut contact with them both

So in the early days of pregnancy brain-when you can’t think straight-she/they left something accidentally at your house ‘proving’ they were pregnant. I can only think it was a pregnancy test/pregnancy notes/letter/medication or something along those lines.

And you got so angry, you cut contact with them??

Please go and see a doctor-I think you need some serious help to manage these feelings. Maybe even some medication.

Even with your updates, you're still unreasonable in this situation. Its awful you didn't get your baby yet, but that doesn't mean SIL cannot be happy and have the shower they want. You wouldn't have been happy with any shower from the sounds of it because you aren't happy she's pregnant first. They have been sensitive, and as you say they didn't know you found out before they told you, they obviously have no idea they left something at your house. It was an honest mistake. I feel for your SIL, she must really feel she isn't able to truly celebrate her baby because of you.

So they can have a baby shower but not that type of baby shower
They can celebrate with family but not that way
Honestly you say about needing space how much space do you need? You’ll find the baby stage hard, the toddler stage I think unless you make peace with their situation soon and work through your feelings by the time you’re ready to re-engage with them the relationship will be irretrievable anyway
You don’t want to isolate yourself within your dh family