AIBU to think my SIL and BIL have been insensitive?

[IviSable]

Hi everyone,

I'm looking to get some perspective from kind strangers.

Before I get into, here's a bit of context about my situation. My DH and I have had a hellish couple of years trying to start a family. We got pregnant naturally last year but this tragically ended in me having a termination for medical reasons quite far along into the second trimester. We have since undergone IVF, which very sadly ended in a chemical pregnancy. We're now looking to go into a second round of IVF asap.

Last year when we lost our baby, my SIL and BIL, who didn't at that time have any children, were supportive and appeared to understand how devastating this event was for us. After we lost the baby, DH and I put the wheels into motion to do IVF. We had a long 6 month wait before we could start our treatment. Early on into that 6 month period, I discover that my SIL and BIL are also going to do IVF, but as this is not something we discussed I didn't know the timescales for their IVF treatment.

At this point I started to worry about how my SIL and BIL would handle things if my SIL got pregnant before me, so I decided to contact SIL (who I wasn't on bad terms with but am not that close with either) to explain that should we find ourselves in that situation we'd need the matter to be dealt with sensitively and that I may need space from them. DH also had a similar discussion with his DB. Both my SIL and BIL said they understood and would be sensitive to us.

Fast forward a couple of months and I accidentally find out that my SIL is pregnant. This was completely unintended, but without going into too much detail (it's a bit long winded and I wouldn't want to give away too many of the details for fear of being identified) I found this out due to the carelessness of SIL and BIL. I was angry that they'd been so careless with our feelings despite knowing all we'd been through, so I cut contact with them both, only messaging on birthdays and to congratulate them when they finally publicly announced they were having a baby. DH didn't want me to tell them that we'd found out she was pregnant before they announced it, so we said nothing and I made my excuses and avoided them. This may seem extreme, but leading up to this I'd already started to strongly suspect that my SIL may be pregnant because of unusual behaviour by them - for example, SIL took a call on speaker phone from her family when we were all out together one day and immediately said to them that she was out with DH and I. It was apparent to me that she didn't want them saying something in front of us.

Fast forward another couple of months and SIL and BIL announce they're pregnant. Not long after this I get wind that SIL has been complaining that she feels no one on DH's side of the family is that excited for them. I found this out because my BIL told DH. This made DH feel guilty and so he approached me to say he was going to buy SIL a present for the baby. Now, I have no issue with DH doing this, but what I do take issue with is my BIL saying this to DH given the heartbreaking loss we had last year. SIL and BIL were aware at this point that we were going through IVF and that we'd already been through a lot. It was a massive kick in the teeth to hear that SIL was complaining about people not being excited for her pregnancy that was going well, and when she knew we were still going through IVF and all the anxiety that brings with it.

The final nail in the coffin was that they threw a baby shower with the whole family (not just women, which I thought was the norm but everyone) but me, given they know I wouldn't go. This to me was extremely poor taste under the circumstances. I have no issues with normal baby showers (SIL of course has every right to be excitement and celebrate), but to have a family party with both men and women was IMHO OTT and extremely insensitive.

SIL also never messaged me to say she understands why this may be difficult for us given all the loss we've had over the past couple of years. Had she acknowledged this just once to me, it would have gone a very long way, but there was nothing.

AIBU to feel they've been insensitive in light of our situation?

Thanks very much for any responses!

After your second post, I feel even more strongly that yabu.
You sound like a complete narcissist. Me, me, me.
Stop sucking the joy out of her pregnancy and let her and her family enjoy it!!

@cherish123

I don't actually think you are bu. I think they are being quite insensitive.

How?

I'm really sorry for all you've suffered but it honestly sounds like they've done what you asked! They have a right to be excited and they're clearly not rubbing it in your face.

I'm so sorry for everything you have been through and truly wish you every happiness

But based on everything in your OP I think this YABU massively. She is allowed to celebrate her pregnancy and it's not about you. I don't think she has done anything insensitive. It's not her fault you found out, sounds like you have cut them off and then are disappointed not to be invited to baby shower. You need to come to terms with their news as it doesn't effect your situation. And to be happy for them x

I have been in the position of hearing of relatives being pregnant while I was unsuccessfully trying to conceive , yes it hurts , but you can’t blame them for being excited , and they can’t exactly hide it from you , you need be happy for them though you hurt inside , life is unfair

However, (and sorry I didn't say this above) DH and his DB did agree that his DB would tell my DH if they got pregnant and that he would then tell me. That unfortuneatly didn't happen as I found out two months before I was meant to. I've not explained the details of this here but I can say that that I found out because of something they did. This was an accident, but it could have been completely avoided.

I'm sorry OP, but from the sounds of this, whatever the "accident" was, it was just that. In the kindest way, you need to handle it. (I went through IVF too and understand the stress and heartbreak).

Hi,

I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles, I'm sure it's been a really hard time for you and your husband.

In this instance, as awful as you're feeling I just don't think you can reasonably justify this attitude towards your SIL and BIL. It sounds as though you feel they have wronged you, with their circumstances, but this is your issue. Not theirs. They do not owe you anything and your expectations of them are unreasonable. It sounds to me like they have done what they could to take your feelings into consideration and to be honest, because they're family I feel like you would have been upset even if they hadn't of accidently let slip they were expecting. The thing about that is, that is was an accident. You say so yourself, and you cannot blame them for an accident. You're speaking about them as though this was purposeful and malicious, and it doesn't sound like it was.

I'm sure it is incredibly difficult to be in the situation you are in, and I 100% believe you are right to take time and space and put yourself first, and if that means distancing yourself then so be it. But I feel you need to take this blame off your SIL and BIL. You mention on numerous times they got lucky. Yes, they did. But you cannot hold this against them. Be jealous, be sad, be angry. But you cannot take that out on them, it is not their problem. You cannot expect them to treat you in a way that just isn't reasonable. It's hard, but you need to accept that these are your feelings, and take ownership of them. Directing your anger and annoyance towards BIL and SIL will not make your situation any easier, or justify what's happened. It'll just weight heavily on you and add stress to an already stressful situation.

I'm sorry for the awful time thst you've been through, particularly the sad loss of your baby.

Your post makes you seem rather selfish, though. You didn't ask for sensitivity from your BIL & SIL; you seem to have demanded it and said how you wanted it handled! What about if it had been the other way round and you'd been the one to conceive first? You surely would have wanted to tell the world your happy news, have people be excited for you, hold a celebration of your choice before the baby was due, wouldn't you?

It seems like your BIL & SIL have been nothing but sensitive and thoughtful towards you (eg making sure the subject wasn't mentioned over that phone call, avoiding the subject at other times) but you've misinterpreyed all this as slyness or disrespect for some reason.

It's unfortunate that you found out about the pregnancy by accident. But you'd have to have found out about it somehow, wouldn't you, and I imagine whatever way would have been equally difficult, given what you've been through.

Please try not to let your grief & anger cloud everything. You need your physical and emotional energy to prepare yourself for your upcoming IVF. I wish you & your husband all the very best with this.

How are you going to cope when their baby is actually here.

You are being unbelievably unreasonable and you will damage your relationship with them irreparably if you don't sort yourself out.

They do not have to factor you into every decision they make regarding their pregnancy and celebration of it.

I was made to feel guilty about being pregnant when my sister in law was struggling with infertility and it has damaged our relationship. It also put a massive black cloud over my early pregnancy.

If and when you get pregnant from your IVF will you be sensitive to all the things they've missed out on because of having to tip toe around you? I don't think your SIL is out of order for being sad that your husband's side of the family weren't (allowed) to be excited for them, seemingly because of you. Or will you celebrate as you choose because you've got what you want?

You need to sort out your attitude before the baby is born because at this rate you'll make the birth all about you too. Are they allowed to tell people they've had a baby? Send photos to family and friends? Bring the baby to events? Can they name it whatever they want or do they have to check your list of names first?

This is not about you.

Your op is so sad, you can feel the pain coming off you and there really aren't words for what you have been through. That being said to go through ivf and then be told by your sil how ypu should manage a potential pregnancy to cause the least offense is not only hurtful but batshit. You are robbing her of happy moments and you don't get to do that. It sounds like they have been very mindful of your feelings so far. I have been to a baby shower with men and women, like your sil it was for a couple who had been trying for a baby for a long while and had success through ivf. They couldn't quite believe it and wanted to share with their whole family. I had two children in the time that my sil had two late miscarriages (she had an older son), I had to dampen my excitement, didn't share any information regards my pregnancy and difficulties afterwards because she couldn't cope. I decided that I wouldn't continue to do so once my children were born and didn't. Whilst I didn't want to hurt her my children deserved to be celebrated, recognised and acknowledged just as her first child was.

You could lose your relationship with them and and your niece or nephew through your own behaviour. That would be a shame, if you think you need to behave this way to protect yourself be prepared that should you fall pregnant yourself they may not show excitement, especially if they feel they have had to tread on eggshells around you. Best of luck op.

If you have both gone through IVF, why are only you entitled to their understanding? It is crackers that you think they should have made decisions about who to invite to their shower based on you.

OP - AIBU?

99% of replies - YABU

OP - but, but, but...

Oh OP I'm glad you came back to the thread but I'm sure these pretty much unanimous replies must be so difficult to read. Please try to take them on board though, you really are being unreasonable here and very unfair to your relatives.

I'm sorry for your losses and I sincerely hope you get your longed for child soon

@HighHighHopes

OP - AIBU?

99% of replies - YABU

OP - but, but, but...

I'm not sure this kind of gloating response is appropriate on a thread filled with loss and heartbreak tbh

You are being beyond unreasonable.
You finding out was a mistake- you've said so yourself. A mistake. You cannot be upset because of a complete accident. It wasn't malicious at all.
Having men and women at their shower is of no relevance - you'd be annoyed whatever way they went about it.
If you had called me to declare I'd need to be "careful about how I handled it, IF I got pregnant" as I was starting IVF, I would have lost my shit. That's the most self involved thing I've ever heard - ivf was hard for them too. You don't get to dictate how your feelings need to be considered before they even started their fertility journey. I'm genuinely shocked at how entitled you were to do this.

You've had a horrible loss, and I'm very sorry. But that isn't their fault. It's not your unborn niece or nephews fault. Their pregnancy isn't about you, and to be brutally honest, your actions are probably really effecting what should be a joyful time for them. Please stop making them feel guilty for what is completely out of their control.

The fact that you 'found out' they were going to start IVF suggests that you didn't know they were also struggling with infertility. Could that be because they kept it quiet so as not to distract away from initially your pregnancies and then, following your sad losses, the support that you needed?

It's such a difficult thing for you to have gone through, whatever way it happened, they would have been in the wrong in your eyes - for not telling, for trying to be discreet, for trying to not tell you when you made it clear to them that you wouldn't be happy, then for announcing it, for telling your OH, then for doing what is natural and wanting to look forward. They can't do right because you're still going to be hurting, whatever they do or don't do.

You are being unreasonable. But it's understandable that you are. The important thing is to recognise that, take whatever help you can access and in time, I hope that all goes well for you both, too.

Sorry for your loss but you are being completely and totally unreasonable.

You need to get some decent therapy to work through this and let your in laws have their joy. They've done nothing wrong.

You are obsessing over little details in a quest to punish them for being successfully pregnant, they and all the family will see this and it could affect relationships for years to come. That is so incredibly selfish and totally unfair on your DH and his relationship with his brother. You are the one who needs to tread more carefully and sensitively and think about the bigger picture, not them. They deserve this happy time for them.

Your follow up post replies just scream "me, me, what about me, don't forget about me over here not pregnant!!!" Very self absorbed and desperate for attention.
YABU it's not all about you.

@IviSable it’s hard as l know people are often so caught up in themselves. It’s weird, even people with previous alleged fertility problems forget and are super tactless

A friend of mine texted me to announce a surprise pregnancy of hers -l didn’t reply as super busy with life in general. She texted me again a few days later, l get back and congratulate her. I find out an IVF transfer of ours failed, days later she sends a family photo shoot of pictures to me of her with her 2 children. It felt like she was hell bent on rubbing my nose in it . The vibe was “look what l have done, LOOK LOOK!!!!!!!!”

@IviSable l didn’t respond to the family photo shoot one which is a message in itself. It’s easier to take a step back with friends, rather than family though. The easily fertile will struggle to relate to this and will tell your are selfish, petty, self-absorbed, unreasonable etc etc. But that’s easy to say when you have children easily. AIBU isn’t the best board for this kind of thing lm afraid

I’m really sorry OP but YABU. They needed IVF too so they must have had problems themselves. I know what you’ve been through is really tough but you need to try and have some empathy for them too. Of course they want to celebrate their news and have a baby shower. You can’t expect them not to do these things just because it might upset you. Please try to be pleased for them.

This post wins the award for the most self-absorbed, unreasonable twadde I've ever read.

You've been through/are going through an awful time OP but I genuinely think your SIL and BIL couldn't have done more to try to soften the blow.

I've now read through the remaining responses. It's not been the easiest reading, but it has been insightful and I feel I have some inner soul searching to do. I recognise that I'm living in a cloud of grief right now and admit I'm struggling to get perspective on any of this. I particularly appreciate the responses from those who've been in my position before. Thank you for recognising how difficult this situation is, especially when you're in the midst of it. I do hope that this is only temporary.

I'm admittedly struggling with my own grief and feelings of loss, and I think it's very fair to say that I'm projecting some of that onto my SIL and BIL. I have a lot of very confusing feelings to work through, which I think will take a long time.

SIL and BIL have every right to celebrate their pregnancy however they want to. To clarify again, I wasn't upset to not be invited to their baby shower. I was upset because they decided to have such a big baby shower. I have friends who've been in similar situations, who decided to be a bit more low key in their celebrations to protect their in laws feelings, not because they were asked to but because they felt it was the right thing to do given the circumstances. Maybe I am being selfish and unreasonable to think that might happen.

I did tell my SIL that "I may need some space" depending on if they got pregnant. I also said that I was struggling to be around pregnant women. As far as I'm aware she wasn't pregnant at this point. It was a friendly discussion in my opinion and we both felt happier having discussed it. DH and BIL had some very limited discussions about us both being about have IVF, but SIL and I hadn't discussed it before that point. I was conscious that we needed to have this discussion because I knew it could become awkward regardless of which of us had success. It seemed like the sensible thing to do at the time.

As to me finding out by accident that they were pregnant... This happened because of something they left at our house. They had come over to ours for something they needed and accidentally left something behind that I ultimately found that confirmed they were pregnant. I hadn't gone round to theirs or snooped.

As to SIL being upset DH's side of the family weren't excited, this was just her opinion. DH's side of the family believe they were excited about her pregnancy and that they showed this. But in hindsight maybe she felt this way because I had withdrawn and this made her feel awkward about her own pregnancy.

I would love to be the person who could attend baby showers and celebrate this with them, but whilst we are having our own struggles, which have been ongoing for some time now, I think I'll find it too difficult to put a brave face on. I've put a brave face on many times and I find it draining.

As mentioned before DH and BIL are very close and have discussed things. I don't want to burn bridges, I just don't want to be around it at a time we're going through everything we're going through. I worry I'd find myself trapped in a difficult situation that I couldn't get out of. I don't want to get emotional and have to make an excuse to escape. I think it's best if for now I'm not around it.