AIBU to think my SIL and BIL have been insensitive?

[IviSable]

Hi everyone,

I'm looking to get some perspective from kind strangers.

Before I get into, here's a bit of context about my situation. My DH and I have had a hellish couple of years trying to start a family. We got pregnant naturally last year but this tragically ended in me having a termination for medical reasons quite far along into the second trimester. We have since undergone IVF, which very sadly ended in a chemical pregnancy. We're now looking to go into a second round of IVF asap.

Last year when we lost our baby, my SIL and BIL, who didn't at that time have any children, were supportive and appeared to understand how devastating this event was for us. After we lost the baby, DH and I put the wheels into motion to do IVF. We had a long 6 month wait before we could start our treatment. Early on into that 6 month period, I discover that my SIL and BIL are also going to do IVF, but as this is not something we discussed I didn't know the timescales for their IVF treatment.

At this point I started to worry about how my SIL and BIL would handle things if my SIL got pregnant before me, so I decided to contact SIL (who I wasn't on bad terms with but am not that close with either) to explain that should we find ourselves in that situation we'd need the matter to be dealt with sensitively and that I may need space from them. DH also had a similar discussion with his DB. Both my SIL and BIL said they understood and would be sensitive to us.

Fast forward a couple of months and I accidentally find out that my SIL is pregnant. This was completely unintended, but without going into too much detail (it's a bit long winded and I wouldn't want to give away too many of the details for fear of being identified) I found this out due to the carelessness of SIL and BIL. I was angry that they'd been so careless with our feelings despite knowing all we'd been through, so I cut contact with them both, only messaging on birthdays and to congratulate them when they finally publicly announced they were having a baby. DH didn't want me to tell them that we'd found out she was pregnant before they announced it, so we said nothing and I made my excuses and avoided them. This may seem extreme, but leading up to this I'd already started to strongly suspect that my SIL may be pregnant because of unusual behaviour by them - for example, SIL took a call on speaker phone from her family when we were all out together one day and immediately said to them that she was out with DH and I. It was apparent to me that she didn't want them saying something in front of us.

Fast forward another couple of months and SIL and BIL announce they're pregnant. Not long after this I get wind that SIL has been complaining that she feels no one on DH's side of the family is that excited for them. I found this out because my BIL told DH. This made DH feel guilty and so he approached me to say he was going to buy SIL a present for the baby. Now, I have no issue with DH doing this, but what I do take issue with is my BIL saying this to DH given the heartbreaking loss we had last year. SIL and BIL were aware at this point that we were going through IVF and that we'd already been through a lot. It was a massive kick in the teeth to hear that SIL was complaining about people not being excited for her pregnancy that was going well, and when she knew we were still going through IVF and all the anxiety that brings with it.

The final nail in the coffin was that they threw a baby shower with the whole family (not just women, which I thought was the norm but everyone) but me, given they know I wouldn't go. This to me was extremely poor taste under the circumstances. I have no issues with normal baby showers (SIL of course has every right to be excitement and celebrate), but to have a family party with both men and women was IMHO OTT and extremely insensitive.

SIL also never messaged me to say she understands why this may be difficult for us given all the loss we've had over the past couple of years. Had she acknowledged this just once to me, it would have gone a very long way, but there was nothing.

AIBU to feel they've been insensitive in light of our situation?

Thanks very much for any responses!

I’m really sorry for you as you have suffered a terrible tragedy but you are making a great mistake in thinking that you can dictate anything about how these people announc, talk about or celebrate their own pregnancy.

One of the hardest things about any type of loss is the realisation that although time has stopped for the loved one lost, the rest of the world keeps turning, old life is replaced by new life and people are not preoccupied with your loss.

You really should never have approached them at all when they started IvF as you really just made the whole thing much more awkward for everyone and these people have ended up trying to Pussy foot around you , which is impossible to do as they simply cannot hide their child!

Please stop this and grieve for your child yes but don’t make it about other people as this is your grief. Celebrate the new life that is coming as really when you think about it the whole world is going to go on having babies so why shouldn’t your SIL and BIL be allowed that joy?

They have done nothing wrong and I suspect it is all rubbing off on the whole family as they now feel bad about having their baby based on the muted reactions. Also men can and do go to baby shower/ celebrations there is no rule book.

I'm sorry about your loss, I really am BUT your behaviour about your SIL is ridiculous.

You need to seek help to support you to managing your feelings. This is not normal behaviour

@yikerspipers thank you. Its probably my greatest hope now in life that I can make peace with what has happened to us. Grief is utterly exhausting emotionally and physically at times.

And I really can’t accept that this women who has had to go thru IVF herself should have to ring you up and acknowledge that her pregnancy is going to be difficult for you!

Just no!

No pregnant women should have to apologise to anyone for being pregnant!

It sounds awful, what you've been through, but I think YABU in this situation. It sounds like you've been quite difficult, but they've still bent over backwards to try to accommodate your wishes.

Thanks for the honest replies so far.

I completely agree that they're entitled to start a family of their own and share that news with their family. Also, I'm completely aware that what's happened hasn't been in any way been malicious or intentional, and that maybe our struggles have clouded my judgement. I had just hoped they'd tread a little more carefully around us given the discussions we'd had with them early on, which they were very amenable to.

I also agree with those who've said they're in an impossible position. There's no easy way with situations like this and they probably couldn't do right for doing wrong. However, (and sorry I didn't say this above) DH and his DB did agree that his DB would tell my DH if they got pregnant and that he would then tell me. That unfortuneatly didn't happen as I found out two months before I was meant to. I've not explained the details of this here but I can say that that I found out because of something they did. This was an accident, but it could have been completely avoided.

I should add that SIL and I have had IVF for similar reasons. Anyone who's been through IVF will know it's not the easiest thing to go through. It's even harder when you've experienced a loss. We were the unlucky ones in that our treatment ended in a very early loss and they were lucky that theirs did work. Of course no one is to blame for this. It's just the way things go sometimes. They shouldn't have to feel guilty because their treatment worked and ours didn't. But I'd expect someone who's gone through this themselves to be even more aware of why this is a difficult situation. Though I think it's been hard for them to know exactly how to approach things.

@StylishMummy I'm not trying to be a dick about their pregnancy, but I understand why you'd think that. I decided to cut contact (for as long as I feel I need to) because I felt I couldn't be around them while this was going on. Baby bumps can be extremely upsetting for people who've experienced loss or are struggling to have a family, and it's very common for women in my shoes to avoid baby-related situations or pregnant women for a while. I did congratulate them when they announced it and I have messaged on other occasions. DH is very close with his DB and I'm well aware that me having hardly any contact with his DB will be difficult for him. DH also found their baby shower quite difficult for obvious reasons, but he put on a brave face. I didn't feel I could do that. Putting on a brave face is sometimes the hardest thing of all to do, and I just don't have to emotional energy to do it at this point in time.

@chocolatepudandchocolatesauce I know many people do spend years trying to conceive or go through some truly difficult situations before they move to IVF, but they knew they'd need IVF from the beginning and so went to IVF before trying to conceive naturally.

@Mostlylurkingiam I completely agree this is not their fault and you make a fair comment that I may be seeing insensitivity everywhere given what we've been through. Also, I agree that they probably didn't know what to do given I completely backed off and said I'd need space. That said, I've had friends tell me about their pregnancies in as nice a way as possible and I've felt fine about those. I've been to a few baby showers but obviously never to a modern one, which is perhaps why their baby shower seemed so different to me.

@Freddiefox sorry I didn't explain myself very well in my original post. I didn't have a problem with not being invited to their baby shower as I wouldn't have gone anyway and they knew that. I was upset that they couldn't have just had the usual sort of baby shower (I've never been to a baby shower like theirs before and I've been to a few). DH went to the shower and, though he's not the sort to talk about his feelings too much, he admitted it was difficult for him. In my opinion, his DB who he's close to should have been more mindful of this. It's probably easy for me to say this, but had the shoe have been on the other foot I don't think we'd have had as big of a shower.

@Lasair I'm sorry to hear about your loss. That must have been awful. I know it's not their fault, just a very difficult set of circumstances. I did congratulate them when the announced, but I'm not strong enough to be around their pregnancy and all the baby talk. I know some people can put on a brave face, I also know many people who can't and don't. I obviously fall into the latter category. I have had a couple of counseling sessions and am considering having more.

@CampagVelocet I can understand your point of view, but me finding out was due to a very avoidable although unintentional mistake they made.

@Amberflames we know exactly why they needed IVF and they know exactly why we did to. Sorry if you think that of me, but you're entitled to your opinion and I appreciate your perspective.

@Jayaywhynot I completely agree that the world doesn't stop just because we're struggling. They're absolutely entitled to have a baby when they want. They shouldn't have to wait and it'd be ridiculous for us to expect that. What I did expect, perhaps unreasonably so, is for them to tread a little more carefully around us. We politely requested this and they were very happy to be supportive at the time. I did congratulate them when they announced and did try to put a game face a couple of times before they knew I knew they were pregnant, but I found this too difficult. It might sound strange to some, but it's very common for women in my shoes to avoid baby-related situations.

@blubberyboo

And I really can’t accept that this women who has had to go thru IVF herself should have to ring you up and acknowledge that her pregnancy is going to be difficult for you!

Just no!

No pregnant women should have to apologise to anyone for being pregnant!

This. But I call reverse or journo trying to provoke responses for a story.

They have done everything right and been really sensitive to your feelings.

Yes. They genuinely could not have done more. Short of denying the pregnancy to themselves as well as their families, there's nothing they could have done that you would have accepted, OP.

Please, please get some counselling. If you are genuine and not the SIL writing a reverse, then you really do need help, or you and the wider family are going to be destroyed, especially when the baby arrives.

I’m sorry for your situation but your SIL and BiL can have any type of baby shower they want.

They want to invite family members of both sexes then they should, it’s not up to you to dictate what you would have done. You’d have had a smaller shower, they wanted a bigger one. That isn’t a snub to you nor should they have to take your feelings into account on this matter.

You’re making this all about you and it isn’t. Their happy news is their own and they can celebrate it anyway they wish.

They’re not being insensitive either, you found out their news by accident, and clearly it wasn’t intentional that you were hurt.

It sounds as if they have been very thoughtful and kind. They need to be allowed to celebrate this joyous news with their family and friends without having to constantly worry about your feelings.

Or, alternatively, interesting first post.

These poor people can’t win. You are being unreasonable to the point of cruelty to them. Have a word with yourself.

Op it sounds like you’ve had such a hard time and you are coming from a place of great sadness. It does sound like they have tried to respect your feelings, perhaps in a slightly clumsy way. I don’t think there is a way that they could have handled it that would have made you not react like that. It does sound like people are being very cautious to be excited for them, because of your experience so sil’s comment wasn’t wrong. It’s so hard because it’s such a loaded situation that there will always be hurt involved but I don’t think your bil and sil are behaving badly. I wish you much happiness in the future and patience to sit with these understandably hard feelings, until a day where you will be happy enough to be glad you didn’t ruin your family relationship by allowing a permanent rift to develop.

I truly feel for you OP and I have been in a very similar position to you, like you I avoided baby situations especially where I felt people had been insensitive. My sister getting pregnant within weeks of finding out that I was struggling to conceive (D nephew) and twice within weeks of us having IVF (D niece 1 and 2) Also at work I generally found out someone was pregnant by having all conversation stop when I entered a room, which led to me being unable to talk to anyone until the day a pregnant colleague screamed at me in front of everyone that I was ruining her pregnancy.

I don't know how I got through that time but I can tell you that my relationship with my sister has only survived on the most superficial level and I have no friends from that office where I worked for ten years.

I tried to protect my mental health but I came across as bitter to other people and I wish I had been strong enough to do things differently. Please try to be pleased for them and go and see the baby when it is born. If you wait until you are ready the gulf may be too big to bridge. Your future children will enjoy having a cousin to play with at family events so try to build a relationship for their sake.

This is strange. Your follow up post spends more time explaining how women in your position do or do not feel than you feel. I feel bad for you but this is a big deal for them too and they should be able to go about their pregnancy the way they like (baby shower etc) and have the family excited (don’t mean you and your husband are being mean I understand your feelings) but if it’s in-laws and stuff then it’s a shame. I would be heartbroken if my family weren’t interested in my ivf pregnancy because my brother was also going through it. Surely you’d hope when you hopefully have a baby they will show excitement for you?

Whilst I am truly sorry for the pain you’ve experienced, you are being extremely unreasonable.

You can’t expect them to tip toe around you at your request. It’s their news. It’s theirs to share and whilst they have been sensitive to you, you expect them to completely hide it away from you and the family.

That’s not ok.

With respect, you sound like you need some therapy. I think your perspective is a bit skewed tbh.

How else could they have treaded carefully without compromising their own joy?

Not hold the baby shower? Not announce it? I’m genuinely interested.

Do you think they shouldn’t have had a baby shower?

So why, if you acknowledge they've had IVF for similar reasons to you, do you imagine you get to call the shots?

It's really awful you've had such painful experiences, but it is not fair to dictate what your SIL and BIL do.

I would hate to be in your situation and sympathise. But your sister in law has also been through a lot an awful lot. You are really being extremely difficult towards her. You said you found out by accident.

I don't actually think you are bu.
I think they are being quite insensitive.

Firstly, I'm sorry you've had a difficult time.

However (and I speak as somebody who has had several losses), I think you're being outrageously unreasonable and indeed have probably made them feel needlessly stressed and uncomfortable about their own baby. That's really not fair. You're expecting them to be sensitive towards you yet you feel you can complain about them enjoying and celebrating their pregnancy. That's not ok. You can't dictate how people live their lives and where do you draw the line?

I agree you need to pursue counselling but please don't continue to behave like this towards them, it's really unfair.

I hope your treatment brings you the child you so clearly want. Good luck.

I think they have also been as sensitive as they can (bar the comment about not everyone being excited). I think though, whatever they do/did would have been wrong in your eyes as you are (understandably) sensitive.

I wish you luck in your next round of IVF.

When they told you did they stick to the plan of BIL telling your DH who then told you. Because if they did I'm not sure how you can possibly see that as insensitive. They weren't to know you had found out 2 months previously.

And you keep on saying it's their fault how you found out but really, given how unreasonable you are toward then, that could just mean you saw a scan letter in their home.

You are being so unreasonable. She’s family so this won’t be going away.
You need to apologise and just say you were hurt and had not thought about it from their side.

When it happens for you, you will be so ecstatic it will feel like you’re bursting at the seams. You can’t deny her that feeling just because you haven’t hit it just yet.

I dealt with infertility and I know how difficult it can be when others around you are getting pregnant and having babies. Your SIL handled this situation with great sensitivity, yet you are still finding fault at every turn.