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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not understand this trend for having to have an “exclusivity talk” when dating someone?

323 replies

HeartsAndClubs · 25/11/2021 15:32

I was always under the impression that when you started seeing someone you were seeing each other and that was that.

But more recently there seems to be an understanding that unless you’ve actually agreed to be exclusive, it’s pretty much open season and either one of you can continue to date whoever you want however you want.

How have we got to this point?

Why is it seemingly so difficult for people to date one person at a time? And how is it that people should seemingly be happy to be cut loose at any time in order for the other to be “exclusive” with someone else?

OP posts:

rainyskylight · 25/11/2021 19:24

In every relationship I’ve had there’s been an exclusivity and sexual history / health chat. It’s a practical safe sex thing - exclusive means I will be comfortable to go without condoms.

Lifewith · 25/11/2021 19:26

I'm picking up on a few (only a few) underlying attitude about how women should behave in dating and sex on this thread. (How men behave being a separate issue)
Am the only one picking up on that?

Seems very outdated. Thought the wolrld had moved on

Justawaterformeplease · 25/11/2021 19:30

Why do you care what other people do in their private lives?

VanGoghsDog · 25/11/2021 19:30

@Lifewith

I'm picking up on a few (only a few) underlying attitude about how women should behave in dating and sex on this thread. (How men behave being a separate issue) Am the only one picking up on that?

Seems very outdated. Thought the wolrld had moved on

Not only you. It's judgy pants hoiked right up to the armpits. So unnecessary to give a shit how other people date.

And totally unreasonable (and disingenuous) to "not understand" when it has zero impact on you.

I "don't understand" loads of things other people do, but I don't consider it my business to make snide remarks about it.

Lifewith · 25/11/2021 19:35

It's usually the coupled people who say 'if I was single I wouldn't do that 'blah blah blah

You have no idea how you would be .

ufucoffee · 25/11/2021 19:39

It's nothing to do with OLD. From what I know it's an excuse for people to carry on going out with other people and possibly having sex with them without being faithful to any of them. Then if the 'we are exclusive' conversation is had and both parties agree then they don't go out or have sex with other people. BUT this does not mean they are in a relationship because for some reason at some point the man then has to ask the woman if she'll be his girlfriend. This seems to be a massive deal and enables the couple to announce this to friends.
I'm so glad I'm not single any more.

TractorAndHeadphones · 25/11/2021 19:43

Casual dating is a thing. Just because you enjoy shagging and going out with someone sometimes doesn’t mean you want to be serious with them

MurielSpriggs · 25/11/2021 19:50

@Lifewith

I'm picking up on a few (only a few) underlying attitude about how women should behave in dating and sex on this thread. (How men behave being a separate issue) Am the only one picking up on that?

Seems very outdated. Thought the wolrld had moved on

It's the executive of the Nice Ladies' Union. If men can get it without having to jump through the hoops set by the NLU then the NLU members lose their bargaining power

phoenixrosehere · 25/11/2021 19:56

It’s an Americanism. Watch SATC from 20yrs back and they all safe like that. Several people on go at once, and assume no one is ‘exclusive’ until they’ve had ‘The Talk’.

Why is it when some people aren’t used to something and don’t like it, it has to be an Americanism. It’s not and it is done in other western cultures.

ballroompink · 25/11/2021 20:04

@phoenixrosehere

It’s an Americanism. Watch SATC from 20yrs back and they all safe like that. Several people on go at once, and assume no one is ‘exclusive’ until they’ve had ‘The Talk’.

Why is it when some people aren’t used to something and don’t like it, it has to be an Americanism. It’s not and it is done in other western cultures.

Actually I really do feel like this mindset WAS considered 'American' until a few years ago. I even remember discussions on here where that was the case. Seeing different people but not being 'exclusive' used to be viewed as something from US TV shows for sure. I think it has changed with the growth of online dating, but that language around exclusivity was less commonplace in the past even if the concept was accepted.

ThereAintNoSanityClause · 25/11/2021 20:08

In some ways it’s quite old fashioned. In books about American teenagers they seemed to have a lot of fun with a lot of different partners before ‘going steady’. Similarly the London Season for the aristocracy was a time to meet lots of men and exclusivity only came when you got engaged.
I suppose online dating has taken away some of the time and expense of meeting people but I’m not sure it’s a system that suits busy working adults, but I’m pretty out of touch so I may be wrong.

MuckyPlucky · 25/11/2021 20:10

@phoenixrosehere

Why is it when some people aren’t used to something and don’t like it, it has to be an Americanism. It’s not and it is done in other western cultures

Because it DID actually start in America, as a social trend, before it started in the UK? It is a North American social trend, therefore accurate to call it an Americanism. The term ‘Americanism’ isn’t always synonymous with the negative, it is just a fact.

Riverlee · 25/11/2021 20:13

But it was considered cheating. In those days, you only dated one person at a time. If you were a couple, then you were considered off-limits. Obviously, you may meet someone new and decide you like them better, then will ditch the first person and start going out with the second (and there may be an slight overlap). However, very people in 80s dated multiple people at once. It just wasn’t done.

Jennifer2r · 25/11/2021 20:17

I'm nearly 40, I don't have time to exclusively date every Joe I find online until I get to know him well enough to find out if I want him to be my boyfriend.

Btw, there's really nothing wrong with having sex with more than one person if you all know what's going on and use protection. It might not be what you choose to do but it's not hurting you, or anyone else. Some might say it's none of your business

ThereAintNoSanityClause · 25/11/2021 20:32

And when I mention American teenagers in books not being exclusive until they were officially ‘going steady’ I’m mostly thinking of ‘Fifteen’ by Beverly Cleary, which I now see was published in 1956.
Anyway, I’m glad some people like the way things are.

crochetmonkey74 · 25/11/2021 20:36

I was online dating . Did loads of first dates all in same weeks but met for a second date with boyfriend and we had the chat straight away to not see anyone else. I am older though and it was something I was worried about as I didnt want to do it

StrongLegs · 25/11/2021 20:38

I agree OP. I don't know how people can manage two relationships at once. It would wreck my head entirely.

thecatsthecats · 25/11/2021 20:39

@Lifewith

It's usually the coupled people who say 'if I was single I wouldn't do that 'blah blah blah

You have no idea how you would be .

I know myself pretty well!

I'm literally on holiday by myself because I'm not a people person. The chance of two men getting under my skin enough to spend time with versus time alone/with my friends or family is slim to none. Which is not to say that I wouldn't be open to casual sex. My husband is a one night stand that escalated.

There's nothing wrong with either approach, but I definitely know it's not for me. I agree that it's great women are communicating their expectations and boundaries more.

A pet hate of mine is the whole "group writing a text to a new boyfriend" thing some women seem to like. If you can't even fucking text a guy without committee support, why bother?

MrsJackWhicher · 25/11/2021 20:43

So many people hate online dating and are keen to anchor themselves to the first non-serial killer who comes along just to avoid any more first dates.

Luredbyapomegranate · 25/11/2021 20:56

@HeartsAndClubs

So, it’s ok to be shagging multiple people at the same time?

And if a woman falls pregnant and doesn’t know who the father is?

Or the man gets several of his shags pregnant?

There is so much more at steak when you’re sleeping with multiple people. Not just pregnancy, but STD’s.

Interesting that if a woman on here finds out that her dh is having an affair the advice is to make sure she’s tested for STD’s and rightly so. But a person is shagging multiple dates under the guise of “I’m just dating,” and that seems to go out the window,in fact having an opinion on it at all is seen to be judgemental.

You surely know that the question of exclusivity has come in with online dating, it has moved us towards a US dating culture. However casual sex is not new in the UK - we just used to call it having casual sex.

Beyond that, you sound like a demented abstinence teacher, so allow me to answer your questions. Yes, it's 'OK' to shag multiple people if you want to, are honest about it, and practice safer sex. Sleeping with more than one person does't make you more or less like to 'fall' (what?!) pregnant. With proper use of birth control you are unlikely to get pregnant/get someone pregnant, but if an unplanned pregnancy did occur the possible outcomes are the same as in any other situation. Barrier birth control methods and regular testing make the risk of STDs controllable. No, being tested for STDs does not 'go out the window' if you are having sex with several partners - getting regularly tested is part of practising safer sex. Above all, as long as you protect the health of others, and don't set out to hurt or deceive how you conduct your sex life is no one's business but your own.

I hope that answers all your questions!

notanothertakeaway · 25/11/2021 21:14

I agree with you OP

HosannainExcelSheets · 25/11/2021 21:47

It's not a new thing at all. My grandmother explained that in her day (late 1930s) you "played the field" and had dates with many young men in over a short period of time. You didn't commit to one person or "go steady" unless you were heading towards marriage. Not that people tended to have sex with multiple partners then, but dating more than one person was completely normal.

I think the idea of commitment to one person right from the start, and before you read know if you want to rule out other possible partners is unusual.

discombob · 25/11/2021 22:07

@HosannainExcelSheets

I think the idea of commitment to one person right from the start, and before you read know if you want to rule out other possible partners is unusual.

It's not a commitment it's just undivided interest. It just means I only want to see you, I fancy you. That's literally it. Could also be about sexual Health. But this isn't a mew thing, somebody's just put a name on it.

DaisyNGO · 25/11/2021 22:09

@Skyll

It’s an online dating thing

Is it? I'm 46.

It's been happening since I was 17.

Shoxfordian · 25/11/2021 22:12

Did you take a turn around the garden with a chaperone when you were last courting op?

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