To not understand this trend for having to have an “exclusivity talk” when dating someone?

[HeartsAndClubs]

I was always under the impression that when you started seeing someone you were seeing each other and that was that.

But more recently there seems to be an understanding that unless you’ve actually agreed to be exclusive, it’s pretty much open season and either one of you can continue to date whoever you want however you want.

How have we got to this point?

Why is it seemingly so difficult for people to date one person at a time? And how is it that people should seemingly be happy to be cut loose at any time in order for the other to be “exclusive” with someone else?

@UserOfManyNames

In my day (I’m 50), anything past a first date (assuming you wanted to see them again) meant you were ‘going out with each other’, as in boyfriend/girlfriend. It was quite simple. If you didn’t like them after a while, you finished with them.

With my DD and her mates, it’s all going Instagram and Facebook official, going exclusive, having ‘space’ then blocking and ghosting etc. I thank fuck I’m old tbh.

I'm almost 50 so we are the same generation.

When I was at school as a teenager, and even through university that was definitely the case.

But when you are older and working, and especially if you are in a big city miles away from any family or old friends who might set you up with people, then dating becomes a whole different ball game.

And a very fun and enjoyable one - IF you are clear about boundaries and intentions which are designed to protect all parties.

Honestly after reading post after post on here where people throw themselves exclusively into a new relationship from the first week - have moved in together by the end of the first month and then discover that they are either living with a psycho, cocklodger, someone who doesn't want to get married and have the same number of kids as you, has toxic relations who they won't defend you from etc etc - a little protracted getting to know you dating could have saved them from a lot of heartache.

Do you think a cold and calculating man who treated you like a business transaction early on will support you when the going gets tough? Don't think so

@mustlovegin

Do you think a cold and calculating man who treated you like a business transaction early on will support you when the going gets tough? Don't think so

He also doesn't sound much fun to date, so probably wouldn't have made it past the first coffee with me!

I swear some people on this thread seem to think it's immoral to marry anyone other than the first person who you go on a date with. Such regressive attitudes, that women are mere pawns in the dating game, rather than fully functioning humans capable of making their own decisions.

@mustlovegin

Do you think a cold and calculating man who treated you like a business transaction early on will support you when the going gets tough? Don't think so

Again, assuming the guy is the only one benefitting from the multiple dates situation.

@cabingirl I think I can be blamed for taking it off topic!

In my day (I’m 50), anything past a first date (assuming you wanted to see them again) meant you were ‘going out with each other’, as in boyfriend/girlfriend. It was quite simple.

It was rarely ever simple from what I saw in school. It usually caused major drama when one party moved on to someone else before the school day was over, heck even in the first hour after “breaking up”. It actually put me off dating completely until I was half way through uni. I’ll take a chat any day over assumptions.

Worked out though , met my husband at

*Worked out though with my DH. We dated for a month before we became bf and gf. Had the chat and decided together that we wanted the same thing and that was to be exclusive.

Jennifer I totally get what you are saying and personal safety is essential (and also waiting and bar staff can and should play a key part in that if needed for female customers who feel unsafe or need help). There’s been specific initiatives around that.

That’s got nothing to do with creepy Saturday Night Guy’s thinking though, I think it’s very safe to say.

But I’m clear (or I was) with blokes that until we say we are exclusive I’m seeing other people. If they don’t like that they’re free not to date me.

Why is that wrong?

Why is that wrong?

It’s a change to social norms (for a lot of people). Different systems suit different people. I’m not saying it’s wrong, but why should everyone be happy about a significant change.

Why is that wrong?

Some women (and men) wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of it. That's all

I don’t get the ‘let’s lay all our cards on the table’ talk

What’s wrong with seeing how things go

@JustForThisToday

Why is that wrong?

It’s a change to social norms (for a lot of people). Different systems suit different people. I’m not saying it’s wrong, but why should everyone be happy about a significant change.

No-one is saying everyone has to be happy about it or even do it.

As has been said many many times - you do relationships however you want.

If you want to date a guy and be exclusive from that first date, you crack on. No-one is stopping you. It's not like it's a new law or something.

@DateLoaf

Jennifer I totally get what you are saying and personal safety is essential (and also waiting and bar staff can and should play a key part in that if needed for female customers who feel unsafe or need help). There’s been specific initiatives around that.

That’s got nothing to do with creepy Saturday Night Guy’s thinking though, I think it’s very safe to say.

How can it ever be safe to say something about someone else's thinking, you have no idea what his thinking was.

@mustlovegin

Why is that wrong?

Some women (and men) wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of it. That's all

And if they don’t like it, they’re not for me.

So surely it’s better to know early ?

It's not like it's a new law or something.

There’s no law saying I have to speak English, but if everyone gradually shifted to speaking Latin, I wouldn’t be happy.

@mustlovegin

Why is that wrong?

Some women (and men) wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of it. That's all

So you say you are not interested in dating a man who is also dating other people too. Its fine to say that. Its just about having clear on what you want and saying so.

@JustForThisToday

It's not like it's a new law or something.

There’s no law saying I have to speak English, but if everyone gradually shifted to speaking Latin, I wouldn’t be happy.

And you don't have to be happy about it, nor do it. You can simply tell anyone you date that you expect exclusivity from day one.

I mean, they'll think you're a lunatic, but there's nothing stopping you.

I'm 53 and I've never heard of people assuming exclusivity from a date or two. When I was a teen it was when you agreed you were "going steady" and as an adult it's when you have a chat and say you feel like it's more than just dating and are they on the same page.

No reason to make a fuss and be unhappy about it.

It's about transparency and boundaries OP- being clear where you stand. My DH and I did this and I'm glad for it. No excuses for game playing.

@dateloaf I was replying to your specific question to people who date lots about whether they go to the same place a lot. I do, for safety reasons as discussed. I don't think the staff are judgemental of it. They're lovely to me. I'm not getting off with loads of people just having a coffee, cake and a chat.

@icedcoffees

So, it’s ok to be shagging multiple people at the same time?

Why would that not be okay?

And if a woman falls pregnant and doesn’t know who the father is?

Having sex with multiple people doesn't mean you're not using contraception. I assume the women having sex are smart enough to know the names of the men she's sleeping with, too. DNA tests also exist for when the baby is born.

Or the man gets several of his shags pregnant?

Again, contraception and DNA tests exist.

There is so much more at steak when you’re sleeping with multiple people. Not just pregnancy, but STD’s.

Yep, again, that's why contraception and STD tests exist.

Interesting that if a woman on here finds out that her dh is having an affair the advice is to make sure she’s tested for STD’s and rightly so. But a person is shagging multiple dates under the guise of “I’m just dating,” and that seems to go out the window,in fact having an opinion on it at all is seen to be judgemental.

Casual sex and marriage aren't even remotely comparable scenarios.

All of this! You're being judgy and making false comparisons, OP. Besides, the exclusivity talk is not a new thing at all.

I mean, they'll think you're a lunatic, but there's nothing stopping you.

I had realised that. That seems to me a perfectly good reason for feeling unhappy and making a fuss - if expressing mild criticism on an on-line forum is making a fuss. It’s the dogmatism of people who can’t see that a social norm affects everyone and that everyone has a right to an opinion on the matter that has become increasingly irritating.
It was interesting.

But @JustForThisToday that’s up to you.

You are absolutely entitled to your boundaries.

Mine are different.

Isn’t it better to spell that out and understand that from the off??

You have to have some self awareness and develop your own boundaries. So for me I know that I am not prepared to have sex with someone unless we are exclusive. So that would be a chat we'd need to have.