To not understand this trend for having to have an “exclusivity talk” when dating someone?

[HeartsAndClubs]

I was always under the impression that when you started seeing someone you were seeing each other and that was that.

But more recently there seems to be an understanding that unless you’ve actually agreed to be exclusive, it’s pretty much open season and either one of you can continue to date whoever you want however you want.

How have we got to this point?

Why is it seemingly so difficult for people to date one person at a time? And how is it that people should seemingly be happy to be cut loose at any time in order for the other to be “exclusive” with someone else?

I think it's good. People commit too early to something that turns out to be nothing otherwise. The old fashioned way when you could take someone out and get to know someone else the following night seems to spread the net wider. Agreeing to be exclusive seems the new 'going steady'.

I'd assume anyone I actually wanted to have a relationship with (and I gave up shagging randoms in my 30s 20s) would be the only person I'm currently shagging. And vice versa.

Women are supposed to know to have to have exclusivity chats (because we're all so modern and progressive) but who would get blamed if a women didn't know who the father of her child was? Yup, then she's a disgusting baggage.

Either we get rid of judging women, or everyone gets judged. One or t'other please.

This does seem a very judgey thread to start.

@HeartsAndClubs

We’re not talking about meeting people for coffee though are we?

We’re talking people having several dates,potentially sleeping with each other, and if it then transpires that one or the other has been seeing other people the question seems to be “well, did you have the exclusivity talk?”

If you’re being physical with someone then surely there shouldn’t have to be an exclusivity talk?

In my professional and personal life I seek clarity and make my expectations clear.

I don't find this tedious, burdensome or awkward.

I find it works quite well.

If people don't want to do that, then they don't have to.

But I find people who can't communicate their needs and expectations quite tiresome and its often accompanied by a lot of emotional games.

I guess we are all different.

I wouldn't take my knickers off for anyone I was unable to have a rational conversation with about the significance of this and my deal.

If others find that the opposite works for them...great.

In general, posting on forums asking why everybody else doesn't behave and act the way you want them to even when you don't articulate what you what is not as productive as taking personal responsibility in relationships.

Alot of it is down to greed, most men are not looking for long term relationships, that takes effort, and so many women have low expectations they make it so easy for them.
There is little if any romance anymore, its so sad, dating has become something so far removed from how l remember it.
l refuse to participate in it, men are very good these days at offering you a penis, but little else, never mind comittment.

I’m in my 40s and did OlD briefly almost 20 years ago. I agree OP, I find it very unlike anything I have been used to though understand it is common now. I have never had the exclusivity chat before and can’t imagine doing so tbh

This is the second thread I've seen this year where someone was annoyed that people didn't think starting to date someone implied exclusivity.

The idea that it's normal and OK to date more than one person at a time is not new. My 1970's sex education explicitly taught us that dating multiple people was a stage to be passed through before you decided to "go steady" with one person. (The education materials were American, although I wasn't.)

@Moonface123

Alot of it is down to greed, most men are not looking for long term relationships, that takes effort, and so many women have low expectations they make it so easy for them. There is little if any romance anymore, its so sad, dating has become something so far removed from how l remember it. l refuse to participate in it, men are very good these days at offering you a penis, but little else, never mind comittment.

Bloody hell, what about women that want to have sex and no relationship? That is OK, you know that right?

You have that talk so both aren't just 'assuming' different things.

This. It makes sure both parties are on the same page and in agreement. Unless both parties have agreed to being exclusive then they’re not exclusive. Simply assuming without speaking to the other person about it leads to problems. This was before online dating was a big thing.

@HeartsAndClubs

I was always under the impression that when you started seeing someone you were seeing each other and that was that.

But more recently there seems to be an understanding that unless you’ve actually agreed to be exclusive, it’s pretty much open season and either one of you can continue to date whoever you want however you want.

How have we got to this point?

Why is it seemingly so difficult for people to date one person at a time? And how is it that people should seemingly be happy to be cut loose at any time in order for the other to be “exclusive” with someone else?

Why on earth would you tie yourself to one random man who bought you dinner once?

The point is, you date and see who you like the most.

It’s not new - I found some very sweet love letters my Dad sent to my mum in their teens, all about how pleased he was that she had agreed to “go steady” with him.

And hilariously when he was away at college, he asked her to “send something personal, like a bit of bra strap”

They married very young and were very religious and were both virgins when they got married. They’d be in their late seventies now.

So, it’s ok to be shagging multiple people at the same time?

And if a woman falls pregnant and doesn’t know who the father is?

Or the man gets several of his shags pregnant?

There is so much more at steak when you’re sleeping with multiple people. Not just pregnancy, but STD’s.

Interesting that if a woman on here finds out that her dh is having an affair the advice is to make sure she’s tested for STD’s and rightly so. But a person is shagging multiple dates under the guise of “I’m just dating,” and that seems to go out the window,in fact having an opinion on it at all is seen to be judgemental.

Dating is dating. That's all it is. It's going on a date with a person until you both decide you want a relationship and then you become exclusive because it's agreed . Because you've communicated that.
That is def not a new thing

@Lifewith

Pretty disingenuous comment. Of course there are women who want NSA sex, and if that works for them- great.

Unfortunately, there are women who actually want relationships who are shagging men who want to go halves at pizza express, sends them sexy texts with winky faces and then are terribly surprised and upset when the man was just after sex and won’t offer any commitment.

@HeartsAndClubs

So, it’s ok to be shagging multiple people at the same time?

And if a woman falls pregnant and doesn’t know who the father is?

Or the man gets several of his shags pregnant?

There is so much more at steak when you’re sleeping with multiple people. Not just pregnancy, but STD’s.

Interesting that if a woman on here finds out that her dh is having an affair the advice is to make sure she’s tested for STD’s and rightly so. But a person is shagging multiple dates under the guise of “I’m just dating,” and that seems to go out the window,in fact having an opinion on it at all is seen to be judgemental.

That's completely different if you're married. How is that even comparable?

People can shag who they like ffs because they are grown ups. As long as they're not cheating or hurting anyone.

Op you sound very niave and judgy

I’ve dated lots since my divorce and had overlaps. Test runs. As it were.

So what? It’s just sex.

@Yummypumpkin

Why would you stop meeting men for coffee because you had a coffee with one man who you barely know?

Is it actually a process. And is actually being in any relationship about communicating needs and expectations.

Is there a problem?

@HeartsAndClubs

So, it’s ok to be shagging multiple people at the same time?

And if a woman falls pregnant and doesn’t know who the father is?

Or the man gets several of his shags pregnant?

There is so much more at steak when you’re sleeping with multiple people. Not just pregnancy, but STD’s.

Interesting that if a woman on here finds out that her dh is having an affair the advice is to make sure she’s tested for STD’s and rightly so. But a person is shagging multiple dates under the guise of “I’m just dating,” and that seems to go out the window,in fact having an opinion on it at all is seen to be judgemental.

No one is saying that.

Dating doesn’t mean you are ‘shagging multiple people’ but for men, it means they are usually trying to.

I was dating three men when my current partner asked me to be his girlfriend and if we could be ‘exclusive’- to which I said yes. They took me to dinner, theatre, cinema, etc. No sex. Dating has very little to do with sex. Dating is how you decide who you have chemistry with, and who deserves to share in your body.

[quote Suprima]@Lifewith

Pretty disingenuous comment. Of course there are women who want NSA sex, and if that works for them- great.

Unfortunately, there are women who actually want relationships who are shagging men who want to go halves at pizza express, sends them sexy texts with winky faces and then are terribly surprised and upset when the man was just after sex and won’t offer any commitment.[/quote]
And did she/they have the exclusive talk that they're in a relationship?
If so, he's cheating and that's crap.
If not, they're dating and she moves on.

Why would you stop meeting men for coffee because you had a coffee with one man who you barely know?

Because they like them? Just an idea. It's promising exclusivity not a marriage contract.

There is a point though isn't there.... To communicate YOuR expectations and to understand THEIRS

@Suprima completely agree.

You should be using condoms until you are exclusive and both been tested. It would be very unlikely to have two forms of contraception fail. But this exclusive chat also applies to older couples, for who pregnancy isn't a worry. If you get pregnant to someone who you are just shagging then you make your decision as a single parent. It's easily sorted with a DNA test.

"Alot of it is down to greed, most men are not looking for long term relationships, that takes effort, and so many women have low expectations they make it so easy for them."

That puts women back as the gatekeepers of sex and sex seen to be a means of getting a husband. Thankfully those days are gone. Women are now allowed to just want sex and to see what happens.

I use condoms with a new partner. I’m past menopause but I still get them to use condoms.

What’s the big deal on just shagging and having fun with people? Why do I need to be exclusive? Why is that something to aspire to?

FOMO. People date as many people as they can for fear of missing out on something better. The idea of dating more than one person at a time sounds exhausting to me.