To not understand this trend for having to have an “exclusivity talk” when dating someone?

[HeartsAndClubs]

I was always under the impression that when you started seeing someone you were seeing each other and that was that.

But more recently there seems to be an understanding that unless you’ve actually agreed to be exclusive, it’s pretty much open season and either one of you can continue to date whoever you want however you want.

How have we got to this point?

Why is it seemingly so difficult for people to date one person at a time? And how is it that people should seemingly be happy to be cut loose at any time in order for the other to be “exclusive” with someone else?

*So, it’s ok to be shagging multiple people at the same time?

And if a woman falls pregnant and doesn’t know who the father is?

Or the man gets several of his shags pregnant?

There is so much more at steak when you’re sleeping with multiple people. Not just pregnancy, but STD’s.*

Why do you assume that if someone is dating multiple people, they must be sleeping with them all?

Also if someone is having sex with multiple people, many of them would likely be using condoms and contraceptives of some sorts. Both parties are —hopefully— consenting adults and know the risks they are taking by engaging in sex and taking precautions. If not, it’s on them and none of my business regardless so who am I to judge. Heck, I judge those who can’t mind their own business about such things when it doesn’t involve them.

I don’t think it’s an online dating thing?

Me and DH met 11 years ago and we’re both seeing other people un till we had a chat that we liked where it was going and stopped seeing other people?
I thought it was totally normal to basically ‘confirm’ where you are in a relationship? Same went for my exes too, some stayed asleep a FWB set up etc

"Unfortunately, there are women who actually want relationships who are shagging men who want to go halves at pizza express, sends them sexy texts with winky faces and then are terribly surprised and upset when the man was just after sex and won’t offer any commitment."

Let's bring our DD'S up to demand good sex and only have sex if that's what they want. Equally to not have sex because she thinks that she will get a commitment. Then if it doesn't work out, no time wasted because she's had good sex.
Bring honesty into relationships and stop the game playing, not communicating etc.

@valnevavaxx

This isn’t a new thing at all!

Why would you close yourself off to other people after only meeting someone once or twice? You barely know them!

I guess it depends how you get attached to other people though.

I'm not a people-person. I've met maybe a dozen men I'd have liked to get to know better in the past fourteen years I've been with my husband (if I were single). It would just confuse me to decide whether or not I liked an additional person more at the same time.

(This applies to lots of things - like, I'm away from my husband for a week and haven't called him once, whilst my sister chats to her husband even on the way home and I'm there...)

I think that there's room for both, online dating or not. I couldn't do OLD because there seem to be too many rules/conventions that just aren't very "me".

So, it’s ok to be shagging multiple people at the same time?

Why would that not be okay?

And if a woman falls pregnant and doesn’t know who the father is?

Having sex with multiple people doesn't mean you're not using contraception. I assume the women having sex are smart enough to know the names of the men she's sleeping with, too. DNA tests also exist for when the baby is born.

Or the man gets several of his shags pregnant?

Again, contraception and DNA tests exist.

There is so much more at steak when you’re sleeping with multiple people. Not just pregnancy, but STD’s.

Yep, again, that's why contraception and STD tests exist.

Interesting that if a woman on here finds out that her dh is having an affair the advice is to make sure she’s tested for STD’s and rightly so. But a person is shagging multiple dates under the guise of “I’m just dating,” and that seems to go out the window,in fact having an opinion on it at all is seen to be judgemental.

Casual sex and marriage aren't even remotely comparable scenarios.

I literally make a point of saying, on a first date, that I’m not going to be exclusive.

This isn't remotely new. My husband and I have been together for 2 decades and when he was tentatively dating someone else (been on one date, second date planned).

In the early days of meeting someone entirely new you have no idea how you'll get on, and frankly one or two dates is just that. Getting to know each other. If you live in anything bigger than a large village it's entirely reasonable that a person who socialises is going to meet a variety of people when dipping their toe in the dating pool.

With us, when it became apparent that we were venturing into relationship territory we did have a little chat to make sure we were on the same page. No big deal.

*when we met stupid fat fingers!

Its not a new thing- I had this chat way back with my first uni boyfriend in 2003. If we were going to carry on seeing each other, I didn't want him seeing other people at the same time.

I never actually had that conversation but with some guys I just knew it was casual and that was ok and others, there was a bit more to it.

Dunno, in my early 20s (20 years ago) I went on dates with a few guys over the same period. I’m sure they did the same with other women. Didn’t sleep with them all mind you. When DH and I started dating though it felt “different” and I didn’t go on any more dates with anyone else since our first date. We had the “exclusive” chat at the end of our 4th date. He asked if he could call me his girlfriend. So cute

Because when using online dating it's daft to put all your eggs in one basket, meanwhile the other baskets come and go and yours turns out to be a prick by coffee number 2

*We’re not talking about meeting people for coffee though are we?

*

But what's the unwritten rule? After 1 coffee, 3? After first meal, first cinema trip, first kiss, first shag. No one knows unless they discuss it.

If you’re being physical with someone then surely there shouldn’t have to be an exclusivity talk?

Why? I had periods of sleeping with more than one person at a time, no one was under any illusions we were in a relationship.

Interesting that if a woman on here finds out that her dh is having an affair the advice is to make sure she’s tested for STD’s and rightly so. But a person is shagging multiple dates under the guise of “I’m just dating,” and that seems to go out the window,in fact having an opinion on it at all is seen to be judgemental.

Well that’s a totally different situation.
For starters, a married couple are less likely to be using condoms, more likely to be using contraception that doesn’t protect against STDs. If you’ve been having unprotected (from STDs) sex with someone who you thought you knew didn’t have any STDs, and then you found out they’d been sleeping with someone else, a check is absolutely sensible. And besides, when I was dating, a 6 monthly STD check was normal and just something I did despite always using condoms. So it’s not like no one who is dating ever considers STDs.
And an affair is not remotely similar to when I had two sexual partners at the same time. No one involved was being lied to.

What is the actual harm caused by safe, consensual sex between two adults where no one (including a third party eg a spouse of one of the individuals) is being lied to about the relationship between them?

The problem with the idea of an “exclusivity” talk is that it’s used by some as a way to excuse their behaviour when really, they knew the person they were dating thought they were more serious. People who act in every way like they are in a couple and know that is what the other person thinks, but then fall back on “oh but we didn’t actually have that specific conversation about being exclusive!” are being disingenuous.

Isn't that what the distinction was in the US between dating and going steady? That goes back to the 1950s. I think having an initial phase of testing the waters with no commitment at all is no bad thing.

Its depressing. And a new eye opener to me. To have to actually request someone not to sleep around whilst you try and build a relationship? if you don't request it, they can sleep with who they want. I personally thought it should be the other way around!
I mean different with an odd date going for a coffee or whatever, but not when you decide to start seeing each other regularly to build something.

I recently, by that a mean a couple years ago, rejoined the wonderful world of dating. I had not a zero clue that I should be asking the guy I was dating to please not stick his dick in someone else whilst we are getting to know each other.

Luckily he didn't know he was supposed to request that of me either, and we were just, you know, faithful to each other while we got to know each other. And the relationship progressed.

But had he been clued up on this exclusivity thing and I hadn't, I'd have been pretty devastated to find out he was seeing other people. And then to excuse it as ' we didn't have the talk though did we?'.

I find it all a bit odd. And depressing.

@Livelifeinthebuslane

I was a bit bemused by the teens stages of dating, they had "talking" and "on it" before being properly in a relationship.

We used to get off with someone at a party and that was that (or not). No interview and probation period.

What's "on it" ?? Dare I ask 😳

@Bookworm20
"Its depressing."

For me it's liberating. If I've been meeting someone and I'm going out with friends and I meet someone else, I'm not messing the first person around. I'm very flirty but do act differently if in a exclusive relationship. It doesn't mean that I necesserily have full sex with multiples.

When i was single 8 years ago i was OLD and some weeks i would have no dates some weeks several dates, some turned into one date only some several dates but no click for anything serious

my now partner we met for first date got on great he asked for a second date and at the end of it i asked do we still date others or just each other and his exact words were i only do exclusive and the rest as they say is history we are still together and unlike my ex i can trust him 100% because of that one sentence

@Bookworm20

Its depressing. And a new eye opener to me. To have to actually request someone not to sleep around whilst you try and build a relationship? if you don't request it, they can sleep with who they want. I personally thought it should be the other way around! I mean different with an odd date going for a coffee or whatever, but not when you decide to start seeing each other regularly to build something.

I recently, by that a mean a couple years ago, rejoined the wonderful world of dating. I had not a zero clue that I should be asking the guy I was dating to please not stick his dick in someone else whilst we are getting to know each other.

Luckily he didn't know he was supposed to request that of me either, and we were just, you know, faithful to each other while we got to know each other. And the relationship progressed.

But had he been clued up on this exclusivity thing and I hadn't, I'd have been pretty devastated to find out he was seeing other people. And then to excuse it as ' we didn't have the talk though did we?'.

I find it all a bit odd. And depressing.

But how is he being 'unfaithful ' to you if you're not in a relationship?

You don't owe anyone anything if you go on a date. If you want to be together, you discuss it.

I like it. So many people hate online dating and are keen to anchor themselves to the first non-serial killer who comes along just to avoid any more first dates. Other people like dipping their toes in different ponds and meeting new people and having some fun. As long as people are being upfront I see no problem.

I mean different with an odd date going for a coffee or whatever, but not when you decide to start seeing each other regularly to build something.

And thats the point when you say, I'm starting to really like you, I think we should stop dating other people.

You just say what you mean, and so do they and its fine.

This isn't a new thing.

Do you really think that in thousands of years of human history, until now, people have never dated multiple partners at a time, experimented, tried out different things?

Don't be daft. Human nature is what it is and when we "date" we are getting to know people. Some are instantly monogomous, due to their nature/ culture/ society etc. Others are not.

Of course you are going to have a conversation when things are getting more serious and you become committed to one another. People generally don't shut down all their options after one date.

So, it’s ok to be shagging multiple people at the same time?

Umm - yes?

It not new. Was a bit awkward 17 years ago when I guy I was casually seeing for about 2 months asked 'are we exclusive ?' a bit hopefully, and I said 'er....no'. Bless him he wasn't happy. I thought it was super casual, and he had bigger plans. So just as well he asked really.