To not understand this trend for having to have an “exclusivity talk” when dating someone?

[HeartsAndClubs]

I was always under the impression that when you started seeing someone you were seeing each other and that was that.

But more recently there seems to be an understanding that unless you’ve actually agreed to be exclusive, it’s pretty much open season and either one of you can continue to date whoever you want however you want.

How have we got to this point?

Why is it seemingly so difficult for people to date one person at a time? And how is it that people should seemingly be happy to be cut loose at any time in order for the other to be “exclusive” with someone else?

Its 'dating'. I didn't do it in my 20s, I met my future husband as friends and we got together. Never had that talk, but none of our peer group did 'dating' of the kind seen on American TV shows like Friends.

Now I'm single again I quite like dating.

Its an american-isation of the dating process and online dating is a big factor.

It is also a trend along the lines of a culture where women in a dating context are supposed to sleep with men very quickly irrespective of whether there is any exclusivity in the relationship when they do so i.e. it is a trend initiated by men to try to get women to sleep around so sex is more readily available with no commitment required.

Admittedly there may be a (small) pool of men who are prepared to go on repeated/multiple dates with multiple different women which dates are all expressed to be non exclusive but all such dates do not involve sex.

But more often than not it is just a continuation of the progressive culture of the last 30/40 years that said women can drink as much alcohol as men/do heavy chores like me/sleep around like men/take risks like men etc because of equality.

Certainly young women and women in their 20s are under enormous pressure to at least appear if not promiscuous then looking like porn stars. Where else will it lead but men being able to sleep with multiple women with no exclusivity.

This isn't new, now-DH and I had this conversation when we first started going out almost 20 years ago. It was good to be upfront about it; we were both mid 20s and had a lot of options. For us, clearing the air cleared the way.

I think it's symbolic of a broader positive thing, actually. That people and particularly women are starting to be more open and clear about what they will and won't be OK with in terms of drawing relationship boundaries.

A friend of mine is a relationship counsellor -- she sees so many couples (mainly straight people; gay men and lesbians don't seem to fall into this trap as often, it seems) who have never had any honest conversations with each other about really basic stuff. From whether dating situation is exclusive and attitudes to porn to life-goals stuff like whether they each want kids, or how finances work in a relationship.

I’m not sure it’s commitment to only date one person at a time. I only dated one person at a time before I got married and would only date someone who did the same. Didn’t mean we were committed or serious of anything. Just that if after a few dates it wasn’t going anywhere, that would be the time to move on to other dates with someone else. I think it’s fine however you want to do it as long as you are on the same page.

But I don’t think exclusively dating equates to some serious commitment.

When I was 3 dates into seeing my now dp (we had already slept together) he said 'I'd like us to be exclusive, otherwise I don't want to pursue this' I agreed, I appreciated his directness, we both came off the apps and it's now been 14 months. Don't see how having a conversation to make sure you're both on the same page is a negative thing or a 'trend', but there you are.

The joys of online dating...

But it does make sense to see other people at the beginning if you are online dating.

Even after you have a couple of dates with a complete stranger you still barely know each other. it would be unwise to commit to that person until you know that you are compatible, that they have misrepresented themselves (very common with online dating) and want the same thing (a relationship).

Often men will play the game for a couple of dates, claim to want a relationship and then as soon as the woman sleeps with them, they will do a disappearing act soon afterwards.

So it makes more sense to date several people and bot rush into anything until you might the right person for you.

I personally stopped online dating but while I did I never slept with anyone I had just met/had a couple of dates with. Most guys online are not serious/honest about what they are looking for.

Not every one multi dates and sleeps with several people at a time but it would be naive to just assume the person you're dating that you don't know well to only be focused on you, they could be dating or talking to others without sleeping with them but still I think it's nice to let each other know you're happy enough with each other to stop looking.

Sleeping with someone doesn’t equal a relationship, I’ve slept with men I’ve not been in a relationship with, even regularly, doesn’t mean it’s a ONS but also you are not together not sure why that’s hard to understand?

My sister was “with” a guy for 2 years, then one day she invited him to her birthday and he said he couldn’t make it, she got upset and he said “why are you upset, you have no right to be upset, I’m not your boyfriend as we never had that chat” as far as he was concerned they weren’t ever together

Oh they didn’t meet online either so no it’s not just an “OLD thing”

I think it’s very sensible and not that recent. I recall having this conversation with my last boyfriend prior to my now DH, so that would have been over 15 years ago. Why shouldn’t you be seeing multiple people, if you’re honest about it?

Times change.
Look at the history of dating. Chaperones, parental consent, etc.
This is just another change.
Imo it's better to have conversations rather than make assumptions.

It’s nothing new. It’s what was called “will you go out with me” when I was a teenager.

Dating now isn’t as organic as it was then though - back then I met men through college, work, friends, pubs and clubs. You’d hang out with people and once someone decided they liked you enough to take you off the market they asked you out 🤣

Nowadays most people meet online dating, and in effect you’re meeting strangers. There’s no harm in multi dating, and no harm in seeing one person at a time either. Horses for courses. Date and shag who you like, and as long as you’re open, honest and communicative I don’t see what the issue is.

As long as both parties are clear about what they want and where they’re going, it’s no big deal. And it’s achieving that clarity by virtue of the “are we exclusive” conversation (or it’s equivalent) that’s crucial.

I dump men if theyve given a hint that if we have sex then they own me and I cant see other men.
Poss bit slutty of me, but I like to think of it as modern!

Oh god please don't use the term slutty. Not in this day and age

It’s an Americanism. Watch SATC from 20yrs back and they all safe like that. Several people on go at once, and assume no one is ‘exclusive’ until they’ve had ‘The Talk’.

I personally think it’s self-centred bollox. Trying out every sweet in the shop at once before plumping for the preferred option. Everyone is disposable & ‘ok for now’. Yuck.

It's really not, as several other posters have already pointed out, this goes back decades. And it's not from America

Took a while for me to get round to ‘exclusivity’ also. Back when I was a teen , boy-met-girl, started going out, and then they were exclusive. Being exclusive wasn’t even a thing, everyone just knew you were.

That didn’t stop men and women having one night stands. That was different to going-out.

If you dated two people at once, you would be considered that you were two-timing the first partner.

And when you're dating, of course you're being self centred, you're meeting people to see who you click with. Of course it's about you or you'd pick anyone

Why would you put all your eggs in the same basket when you barely know the person? Doesn't make sense to me.
I think a conversation is needed just so both people are on the same page

@Sparkletree

When I did online dating I treated it like a second job, some weeks I'd have four dates with different men. If I was chatting online to or meeting up with only one person at a time it would have made the whole process much less efficient and I was really serious about wanting to find a relationship. I had a rule that by the third date with someone I would either rule them out or stop dating other people though.

I pretty much did this too. When I was on I think about my third date with my now DH, he actually initiated that 'chat' and said he was going to politely tell the I think two other women he had been on a couple of dates with that he was now seeing someone exclusively. I can't remember how he phrased it, didn't seem like he was doing it in a cringey cheesy way or anything, more just seemed honest and up front and respectful to everyone.

@HeartsAndClubs

So, it’s ok to be shagging multiple people at the same time?

And if a woman falls pregnant and doesn’t know who the father is?

Or the man gets several of his shags pregnant?

There is so much more at steak when you’re sleeping with multiple people. Not just pregnancy, but STD’s.

Interesting that if a woman on here finds out that her dh is having an affair the advice is to make sure she’s tested for STD’s and rightly so. But a person is shagging multiple dates under the guise of “I’m just dating,” and that seems to go out the window,in fact having an opinion on it at all is seen to be judgemental.

I wonder why you've associated dating with shagging? Many people are able to date without having sex with anyone before they've deicded who they want to be exclusive with. That's the whole point of dating. Dating multiple people to find out who you like the most no?

It’s not. Putting all your eggs in one basket. You date one person, and if that doesn’t work out, you stop seeing them, and find someone else.

@Riverlee

It’s not. Putting all your eggs in one basket. You date one person, and if that doesn’t work out, you stop seeing them, and find someone else.

It literally is. Why date one at a time when you can save time dating multiple people to see who you're more interested/attracted too? And when I say dating I don't mean sleeping with. I mean dating as in getting to know someone

@Riverlee

It’s not. Putting all your eggs in one basket. You date one person, and if that doesn’t work out, you stop seeing them, and find someone else.

But why? You're not cheating on anyone

@HeartsAndClubs

We’re not talking about meeting people for coffee though are we?

We’re talking people having several dates,potentially sleeping with each other, and if it then transpires that one or the other has been seeing other people the question seems to be “well, did you have the exclusivity talk?”

If you’re being physical with someone then surely there shouldn’t have to be an exclusivity talk?

If you're dating and want to be exclusive, you do that

If you're not dating, what does it matter to you what other people are doing?

Fwiw, I'm 53 and I can remember asking a guy I was sleeping with to be exclusive about thirty years ago. So I don't feel it's anything new.