To not understand this trend for having to have an “exclusivity talk” when dating someone?

[HeartsAndClubs]

I was always under the impression that when you started seeing someone you were seeing each other and that was that.

But more recently there seems to be an understanding that unless you’ve actually agreed to be exclusive, it’s pretty much open season and either one of you can continue to date whoever you want however you want.

How have we got to this point?

Why is it seemingly so difficult for people to date one person at a time? And how is it that people should seemingly be happy to be cut loose at any time in order for the other to be “exclusive” with someone else?

@HeartsAndClubs

So, it’s ok to be shagging multiple people at the same time?

And if a woman falls pregnant and doesn’t know who the father is?

Or the man gets several of his shags pregnant?

There is so much more at steak when you’re sleeping with multiple people. Not just pregnancy, but STD’s.

Interesting that if a woman on here finds out that her dh is having an affair the advice is to make sure she’s tested for STD’s and rightly so. But a person is shagging multiple dates under the guise of “I’m just dating,” and that seems to go out the window,in fact having an opinion on it at all is seen to be judgemental.

There is so much wrong with your attitude I don't know where to start. Just to let you know two people can only be shagging each other and still have an unwanted pregnancy or transmit STD.

With any way of doing it being open, honest and safe is important. Not sure why you are so interested in what people you don't know might be doing.

Isn’t it better to spell that out and understand that from the off??

Yes, I dare say, but there is no way I would do that. I don’t have the confidence or communication skills, and as has been pointed out, I’d look like a lunatic.
I’m glad some people are happy.

How do I look like a lunatic spelling got out?

I don’t Get that

@JustForThisToday

I mean, they'll think you're a lunatic, but there's nothing stopping you.

I had realised that. That seems to me a perfectly good reason for feeling unhappy and making a fuss - if expressing mild criticism on an on-line forum is making a fuss. It’s the dogmatism of people who can’t see that a social norm affects everyone and that everyone has a right to an opinion on the matter that has become increasingly irritating.
It was interesting.

No-one has said people can't have an opinion. People have repeatedly said you do what is right for you. But in having that opinion there is no need to criticize how other people behave, it's none of your business.

And it's not a social norm. It's one thing some people do. I did it with a bf I had thirty years ago. After a few dates I says "I'd like it if we didn't see other people" and he agreed. I don't think either of us were but I wanted it said.

It's not new at all.

*I don’t get the ‘let’s lay all our cards on the table’ talk

What’s wrong with seeing how things go*

There isn’t anything wrong with seeing how things go, however reading some of the opinions here several assume and/or expect exclusivity right at the first date regardless if the other person feels, thinks the same way, or hasn’t expressed that and would be upset if said person was dating other people.

@Skyll
You don’t. I’ve been told, and I have no reason to doubt it, that if I stated clearly that I wanted exclusivity from day one that the other person would think I was a lunatic.

reading some of the opinions here several assume and/or expect exclusivity right at the first date regardless if the other person feels, thinks the same way, or hasn’t expressed that and would be upset if said person was dating other people

When you buy fruit you expect it not to be rotten, when you buy a gadget online you expect it to work. You don't need to 'check' with the seller that your expectations are correct. Something similar happens here IMO.

@mustlovegin

reading some of the opinions here several assume and/or expect exclusivity right at the first date regardless if the other person feels, thinks the same way, or hasn’t expressed that and would be upset if said person was dating other people

When you buy fruit you expect it not to be rotten, when you buy a gadget online you expect it to work. You don't need to 'check' with the seller that your expectations are correct. Something similar happens here IMO.

Well, if you dated me your expectations would be wrong. There's no way I'd be purposefully exclusive from a first date (to be honest, I usually am by accident as it's not like there are loads of men I want to date anyway. Though I currently have a FWB so if people expected exclusive from date one I'd technically have to "dump" him I suppose, then of the date didn't go that well, undump him - sounds a bit mad).

• No-one has said people can't have an opinion. People have repeatedly said you do what is right for you. But in having that opinion there is no need to criticize how other people behave, it's none of your business.*

Sorry, I was under the impression that I was criticising the underlying system and the pressures it places on the individual rather than individuals within that system. It’s very much buyer beware.
If it’s not a social norm then maybe there is no social norm and that is hardly comforting. I want to know how to behave without violating social norms and looking like a lunatic. You can say it’s not my business how others behave, but no man is an island.

This is nothing like buying fruit and expecting it not to be rotten.

Everyone has different expectations of dating and to me anyway it makes sense to set out my expectations from the get go so no one gets hurts.

Some people expect and want exclusivity from the beginning and that’s fine. It’s not right or wrong. I don’t - so I make that clear.

Someone upthread said something sneering about the Nice Ladies Union, but I am a collectivist. I like rules that apply to everyone. I like social solidarity. I don’t like rampant individualism or constantly being told ‘you do what’s right for you’.

But when it’s dating the same rules can’t apply to everyone because everyone has different boundaries

When I was a 20 something long before online dating the term was “going steady”. If you were going steady with someone it went without saying you were exclusive.

When you buy fruit you expect it not to be rotten, when you buy a gadget online you expect it to work. You don't need to 'check' with the seller that your expectations are correct. Something similar happens here IMO

I utterly disagree and do not think it is the same thing and comparing people with thoughts and feelings to buying products/objects is disgusting. When you are purchasing objects it’s to own them and we don’t own the person we are dating and vice versa.

phoenix I'm not comparing a person to an object. What I'm saying is that often you have the expectation that 'things' will be 'right', you don't need to constantly check (and if you do, there's something wrong with the process)

You are comparing a person to an object you purchase.

Why is checking that someone is on the same page as you wrong?

There's not a right or wrong here, there's just different ways of doing things. That's evidenced by the very different experiences of people on this thread growing up and dating in adult life. Rotten fruit is a stupid analogy.

@Skyll

But when it’s dating the same rules can’t apply to everyone because everyone has different boundaries

And different desires and backgrounds.

I'm 53, never married, no kids. My dating needs are far different to a twenty year old, or a single parent.

@JustForThisToday

* No-one has said people can't have an opinion. People have repeatedly said you do what is right for you. But in having that opinion there is no need to criticize how other people behave, it's none of your business.*

Sorry, I was under the impression that I was criticising the underlying system and the pressures it places on the individual rather than individuals within that system. It’s very much buyer beware.
If it’s not a social norm then maybe there is no social norm and that is hardly comforting. I want to know how to behave without violating social norms and looking like a lunatic. You can say it’s not my business how others behave, but no man is an island.

There is no "underlying system" as you can see by the many varied ways people on this thread have said they behave in dating.

There have been numerous posts on here criticizing individuals and their behavior. Well, women. It seems it's fine for men to "play the field", "sow their wild oats", but women behaving the same way are riddled with STDs and unwanted pregnancies. Apparently.

Exactly @VanGoghsDog

If I want to shag someone I will. I’ll use condoms and I’m menopausal so no risk of pregnancy.

Sex isn’t, in my opinion, some sort of sacred thing that you only do in marriage or committed relationship.

I like sex. It’s a physical thing and if I want to have sex with someone without the expectation of a relationship, I will do.

But I make sure that anyone I’m dating / sleeping with knows how I feel about that so that if my view doesn’t chime with their view then we can walk away early doors, before anyone gets emotionally attached, and no harm done

maybe there is no social norm and that is hardly comforting.

I would say that the social norm is "whatever you agree amongst the two of you". I like it that way.

It doesn't work for anyone who is happy assuming everyone thinks the way they do but then ... how do they find out any different until it all goes wrong?

There's also a lot more about boundary setting and communication of expectations than sex/dating other people and the exclusivity talk. It's all part of knowing you are on the same page as someone - and includes other things like which house you'll stay in most, who is travelling the most on the dates, who is paying and how are things split, how often you'll see each other.

It's so clear based on hundreds of posts in the relationship board and aibu on MN that lots of people jump straight into relationships without making their preferences and boundaries clear on LOTS of areas, not just exclusivity.

@JustForThisToday

Someone upthread said something sneering about the Nice Ladies Union, but I am a collectivist. I like rules that apply to everyone. I like social solidarity. I don’t like rampant individualism or constantly being told ‘you do what’s right for you’.

I think the rule / social norm should be - be clear about what you want and respect other people's boundaries.

After that you can't have a set dating pattern that suits everyone because everyone has different wants and needs.

If something happened to DH I'm fairly sure I don't want to get married again, or live with someone again. So my dating preferences would reflect that. I imagine that for quite a while I wouldn't be interested in committing to just one person either. So I'd be looking for dates who also wanted something fairly casual and light-hearted and flexible.

And I'd be making those preferences known very early on so that no one felt led on or confused, or let down.