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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not understand this trend for having to have an “exclusivity talk” when dating someone?

323 replies

HeartsAndClubs · 25/11/2021 15:32

I was always under the impression that when you started seeing someone you were seeing each other and that was that.

But more recently there seems to be an understanding that unless you’ve actually agreed to be exclusive, it’s pretty much open season and either one of you can continue to date whoever you want however you want.

How have we got to this point?

Why is it seemingly so difficult for people to date one person at a time? And how is it that people should seemingly be happy to be cut loose at any time in order for the other to be “exclusive” with someone else?

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 28/11/2021 18:41

@mustlovegin

Just checking with someone that you're exclusive if that's what you want seems like such a non issue I can't believe it's worth talking about

By needing to 'check' that you are exclusive, you are implicitly acknowledging that you are 'competing' for someone's attention. It's very humiliating and demeaning. I don't understand how women don't see this

It's not humiliating to just talk to someone you're dating.

And it's not women specifically, men need to do it too. I'm not exclusive and if a guy wants me to be we have to have that conversation, then I'll decide.

And of course you are competing, it's very naive to think you're not. They are too though, obviously.

cabingirl · 28/11/2021 18:42

@MorrisZapp

In twenty years of all manner of relationships, I've never once had an exclusivity conversation. If he's seeing someone else, he's a two timer.
But the dating is before you are in a relationship.

If I went to dinner with someone on a Tuesday that wouldn't mean we were suddenly boyfriend/girlfriend - well not after the teen years anyway.

Classica · 28/11/2021 18:47

Run away fast from the man or woman who thinks one date means you're now in a relationship.

cabingirl · 28/11/2021 18:50

@StrongLegs

I agree OP. I don't know how people can manage two relationships at once. It would wreck my head entirely.
But you're not in two (or more relationships), you are dating - it's actually the lack of emotional commitment which makes it much easier and more carefree. I haven't done it for over a couple of decades now I'm an old married woman.

But single living in a city in my 20s - so much fun. I had weeks where I might have dinner on a Tuesday with guy A, theatre date on Friday with guy B, Sunday brunch with guy A, Monday coffee after work with guy C.

Wouldn't necessarily have been sleeping with any of them. Might not have even kissed any of them. (might have)

God it was fun, often romantic, and you didn't have to worry about all the intense stuff like are our families compatible, do we like the same holidays, etc etc.

sassbott · 28/11/2021 19:36

What an odd and judged thread. Especially against women.

Exclusivity is not new. As far as I am concerned it also has nothing to do with me (as a female) starting to act like a man and have sex like a man (seriously? What an asinine comment).

I’m in my 40’s. Relatively newly single. I have no intention of being exclusive anytime soon, unless it happens naturally over time. And I’m more than happy to take my time getting to know a person/ people. Whether that involves sex is an unknown quantity at this time. So long as I practise safe sex and my partner is equally happy and consenting, why is it anyone’s business?

I’ve now had two serious long term relationships end. I plan to take my time this time, and am very open to not being ‘exclusive’ ever again. I’m not settling for someone after 2 to 3 dates again.

Riverlee · 28/11/2021 21:39

People talk about being exclusive meaning that you are tied for them forever. In my teens, how I understood it was that you started dating and you were boyfriend/girlfriend. If you decide they’re not the one, you dumped them. This could be after one date or thirty. There was no seeing several people at once - they’d be known as two-timers. You may decide you like someone knew when you were still dating someone else, but you would then hopefully dump the old boyfriend before seeing the new. People wouldn’t necessarily sleep with someone so soon either, you got to know then first.

mustlovegin · 28/11/2021 22:11

There was no seeing several people at once - they’d be known as two-timers

Exactly, When did this suddenly become acceptable?

WomanStanleyWoman · 28/11/2021 22:26

What an odd and judged thread. Especially against women.

Exactly. It’s amazing how many ‘But I don’t understand!’ threads on MN are actually ‘I understand perfectly, but I disapprove and am hoping for a bitchfest with others who feel the same, under the illusion of debate’.

And the idea that this disapproval somehow stems from support for poor downtrodden women who are somehow forced to put up with men sowing their wild oats whilst they sit at home with their knitting made me laugh out loud. Or at least, it would have done if it wasn’t so depressing. Why rob women of their autonomy in this way? We are all capable of insisting on a condom and going on the pill - or saying no full stop. No one makes us date on a non-exclusive basis.

WomanStanleyWoman · 28/11/2021 22:27

@mustlovegin

There was no seeing several people at once - they’d be known as two-timers

Exactly, When did this suddenly become acceptable?

But two-timing ISN’T acceptable. Non-exclusive dating isn’t two-timing.
U2HasTheEdge · 28/11/2021 22:31

Yeah, when I was younger, people who dated more than one person were 'two timers'. The 'exclusivity talk' seem relatively new to me.

When I met my now husband, I just assumed he wouldn't date anyone else, and thankfully he must have been on the same page as me.

I personally would not want to date someone who was also dating other people. I would much prefer to date one person, then move on if I didn't feel that person was for me.

Everyone is different though, and as long as everyone is on the same page then no harm done.

U2HasTheEdge · 28/11/2021 22:35

But two-timing ISN’T acceptable. Non-exclusive dating isn’t two-timing.

No it isn't, as long as everyone is on the same page it isn't an issue.

But certainly when I was younger I had never really known people to date more than one person at a time, but then OLD wasn't a thing, so I guess that has changed things a lot in that way.

OhMyCrump · 28/11/2021 22:41

So, if you go on a date with someone are they your boyfriend?

If not, why would you assume you couldn't date someone else too?

VanGoghsDog · 28/11/2021 22:51

I'm starting to think some people are just jealous that single people are having all the fun!

People wouldn’t necessarily sleep with someone so soon either, you got to know then first.

Miaow!!

lightisnotwhite · 28/11/2021 22:56

And of course you are competing, it's very naive to think you're not. They are too though, obviously.

Er what? You either have chemistry or you don’t. Surely the bit where one of you asks the other out ( and gets a yes) is the point you become exclusive until you say “no” to more dates.
Why would you go to dinner with different people every night? What’s the point if you don’t actually like one enough in the first place. That’s just mates then.

WomanStanleyWoman · 28/11/2021 23:01

The point is to decide if you think it can work long-term. It’s very hard to decide that after a single dinner or drink.

VanGoghsDog · 28/11/2021 23:04

@lightisnotwhite

And of course you are competing, it's very naive to think you're not. They are too though, obviously.

Er what? You either have chemistry or you don’t. Surely the bit where one of you asks the other out ( and gets a yes) is the point you become exclusive until you say “no” to more dates.
Why would you go to dinner with different people every night? What’s the point if you don’t actually like one enough in the first place. That’s just mates then.

No, the date is to find out if you have chemistry, get along, etc.

Maybe people who aren't dating and therefore have zero clue about it should just butt out. It's none of anybody else's business how other people choose to do dating.

DinosaurDuvet · 29/11/2021 00:04

I don’t know, I always thought it was a given that you weren’t in an exclusive relationship unless agreed on by both parties. This is going back 20 or more years when I was on the dating scene

Jennifer2r · 29/11/2021 08:41

Why would you go to dinner with different people every night? What’s the point if you don’t actually like one enough in the first place. That’s just mates then.

I'll try and explain it to you. Say I have 2 men, A I met on a dating app and B I was introduced to through work. We're all adults so they have kids and work and other commitments. A and I go for a drink and he seems pleasant enough, I like the way he looks, he's kind to me. Can't see me again until the following week.

I will go for a drink with B in the meantime. No kissing, no sex.

A might take me out for dinner the next week. I notice he's a bit rude to the waitress and starts talking in a angry way about his ex wife once he's had too much wine. I think, I'll probably not see him again.

I didn't know enough about A to pin my hopes to him and not see B in the meantime. I haven't two timed or hurt or betrayed anyone. A and B are people I've only just met, and I don't know if I like either of them enough to just date them singly.

Riverlee · 29/11/2021 08:43

@OhMyCrump

So, if you go on a date with someone are they your boyfriend?

If not, why would you assume you couldn't date someone else too?

First date no. Second date, yes.
phoenixrosehere · 29/11/2021 09:01

Er what? You either have chemistry or you don’t. Surely the bit where one of you asks the other out ( and gets a yes) is the point you become exclusive until you say “no” to more dates.
Why would you go to dinner with different people every night? What’s the point if you don’t actually like one enough in the first place

It’s more than just about chemistry, isn’t it?You can have chemistry with someone and it dampen or fizzle out once you learn more about them hence the point of dating. Dating imo is getting to know someone before you decide if you want to become serious/exclusive and the exclusivity conversation is when both parties agree to become boyfriend and girlfriend.

phoenixrosehere · 29/11/2021 09:04

First date no. Second date, yes.

Two dates and you’re boyfriend and girlfriend?!

I’d run for the hills if a guy assumed or told me that.

VanGoghsDog · 29/11/2021 09:15

@phoenixrosehere

First date no. Second date, yes.

Two dates and you’re boyfriend and girlfriend?!

I’d run for the hills if a guy assumed or told me that.

Exactly!

On this basis I have three boyfriends currently. But I don't. I have a guy I see now and then for sex, a guy I go out with sometimes and a guy I had one date with and we've not been able to work out when to have a secund date.

None of them expect exclusivity.

OhMyCrump · 29/11/2021 09:20

OhMyCrump

So, if you go on a date with someone are they your boyfriend?

If not, why would you assume you couldn't date someone else too?

First date no. Second date, yes.

So in @Jennifer2r example the first guy was her boyfriend???

ThereAintNoSanityClause · 29/11/2021 09:42

I’m glad it all works well for some people, but I only ever had one date with a complete stranger and the rejection still hurt. I have never had the resilience to risk rejection by three men simultaneously, and it almost certainly would have happened to me in some of the examples above. I’ve never had a successful date with anyone I didn’t know very well.
This thread reminds me of the joke, if it is a joke, about the rabbi who said no you mustn’t have sex with your wife standing up because it might lead to mixed dancing.
Over and out.

cabingirl · 29/11/2021 17:42

@Riverlee

People talk about being exclusive meaning that you are tied for them forever. In my teens, how I understood it was that you started dating and you were boyfriend/girlfriend. If you decide they’re not the one, you dumped them. This could be after one date or thirty. There was no seeing several people at once - they’d be known as two-timers. You may decide you like someone knew when you were still dating someone else, but you would then hopefully dump the old boyfriend before seeing the new. People wouldn’t necessarily sleep with someone so soon either, you got to know then first.
Your key phrase here is in my teens

That's when everyone is still at school together and of course, you don't date multiple people - in fact you and become boyfriend and girlfriend in your teens before you even go on one date!

When you're in your late 20s and 30s it can take a while to find someone who you really see as a potential long-term partner - especially if you live in a big city with a busy job. If you enjoy dating then it's wonderful to make that a part of your social life - the alternative is to sit at home and hope Mr Right comes along?

I loved it - and it was nearly 20 years ago now so it was definitely a way of dating back then.