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Original poster

To not understand this trend for having to have an “exclusivity talk” when dating someone?

323 replies

HeartsAndClubs · 25/11/2021 15:32

I was always under the impression that when you started seeing someone you were seeing each other and that was that.

But more recently there seems to be an understanding that unless you’ve actually agreed to be exclusive, it’s pretty much open season and either one of you can continue to date whoever you want however you want.

How have we got to this point?

Why is it seemingly so difficult for people to date one person at a time? And how is it that people should seemingly be happy to be cut loose at any time in order for the other to be “exclusive” with someone else?

OP posts:
Skyll · 26/11/2021 15:38

I’m older. I have limited patience with online dating to start with and I don’t want to waste my time on someone who’s not right for me.

In order to do that efficiently I would coffee date a few people concurrently.

Mynameismargot · 26/11/2021 15:44

@mustlovegin

Why date one at a time when you can save time dating multiple people to see who you're more interested/attracted too? And when I say dating I don't mean sleeping with

But what's the rush though?

I think this is what get me Confused. The rush and conveyor belt style of dating. People saying being exclusive with someone after one date is craziness but how long are you having between dates that you have to squeeze a few others in between dates with the first person? It all just seems like your life would revolve around all of these dates and that's fine if you are into that but for me I'd rather spend time with my friends/family/dogs than meeting up with strangers multiple times a week.
Skyll · 26/11/2021 15:47

I could have had coffee with one and dinner with another when I was OLD

FinallyHere · 26/11/2021 16:08

But more recently there seems to be an understanding that unless you’ve actually agreed to be exclusive, it’s pretty much open season and either one of you can continue to date whoever you want however you want.

I'm 61, and absolutely recognise the difference between going out with someone, while also seeing others.

At some point, you have 'the talk' then it's just the two of you.

The alternative would be once you have a date with someone, you can't with anyone else. What fun would that be? Or that one if you think you are exclusive and the other doesn't. As PP said, it's all about communication.

If you’re being physical with someone then surely there shouldn’t have to be an exclusivity talk?

This made me laugh out loud.

LolaSmiles · 26/11/2021 16:10

Why wouldn't you get to know several people and see if you click with anyone rather than throwing all your eggs in one basket with Dave you've had one meal with?

The exclusivity talk draws a line and keeps everyone on the same page.

Palavah · 26/11/2021 16:35

What's the rush? If I'd dated only one person at a time i would have had zero chance of having a child with a partner.

NeverForgetYourDreams · 26/11/2021 16:48

I've had this conversation with a mid twenties colleague. He said that if he had a date on the Friday night and it went well be would still honour a date set up with another girl the following week.

I said if it had been me and in the 90s and I saw him out on another date whilst also dating me I would have binned him.

I met my DH out on a Friday night. I would have canceled my Saturday date if I had one arranged because it wouldn't seem right

There seems to be a hierarchy of relationship status now. When I was dating the person I was seeing was my boyfriend from the moment we met til we broke up. Simples.

NeverForgetYourDreams · 26/11/2021 16:49

@Livelifeinthebuslane

I was a bit bemused by the teens stages of dating, they had "talking" and "on it" before being properly in a relationship.

We used to get off with someone at a party and that was that (or not). No interview and probation period.

Yes that's right ! Ha ha I remember the days of 'getting off with someone' ha ha
5zeds · 26/11/2021 16:52

Not new, that’s how my mother (who is 80+) would have dated.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 26/11/2021 16:58

If you’re being physical with someone then surely there shouldn’t have to be an exclusivity talk?

I think this is a very backwards view.

You don't have to be exclusive with someone to be physical with them.

Also, by physical, what do you mean? Snogging? Over the clothes groping? Under? More?

When I was single and dating various people, some I might be physical with to scratch an inch. As a single woman I still had needs and desires. No shame in that whatsoever.

When I met DH, we had about 4-5 dates before he asked me what the 'craic' was between us (he has such a way with words Wink), when probed he actually asked me to be his girlfriend which was quite funny as we were mid 20's but he said he felt more of a twat asking us to be 'exclusive'. Then that was that! He scratched all my itches and has done since.

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 26/11/2021 16:59

I met my DH out on a Friday night. I would have canceled my Saturday date if I had one arranged because it wouldn't seem right

Presumably he wasn't your husband when you met him, he was a guy you saw and fancied. Nothing wrong with deciding 'wow, this guy is so hot I can't be bothered meeting that other guy' but likewise there's no harm in meeting Mr Saturday Night until you've met Mr Friday night a second or third time.

OhMyCrump · 26/11/2021 19:17

@mustlovegin

Why date one at a time when you can save time dating multiple people to see who you're more interested/attracted too? And when I say dating I don't mean sleeping with

But what's the rush though?

Well a lot of people are OLD because they want to find a partner. Maybe they're older and want to have children?

If you're wanting to let things happen organically through meeting someone in the real world then fine, but you've less chance of finding a partner that way.

JoanWilderbeast · 26/11/2021 20:00

It's only any resulting children I feel sorry for, who haven't got the memo on how flexible they are meant to be with their attachments.

A8mint · 26/11/2021 20:38

@5zeds

Not new, that’s how my mother (who is 80+) would have dated.
I presume she wouldnt have been shagging them though? Big dfference
5zeds · 26/11/2021 20:46

@A8mint I assume not, but why does that make it different?

phoenixrosehere · 26/11/2021 21:23

I presume she wouldnt have been shagging them though? Big difference

Why are you assuming that sex is involved? Dating doesn’t always mean that sex is involved.

mindutopia · 26/11/2021 21:31

I’m in my 40s and been married 12 years. This was definitely a thing when I was dating and not anything new. Lots of people have casual relationships and you can’t assume you’re the only one unless you have a chat about it (also important for your sexual health).

BlueBellsArePretty · 27/11/2021 00:31

It's interesting as there have been a couple of threads recently criticising monogamy in favour of open relationships. It seems now that open relationships are the default until you agree to be monogamous.

scarpa · 27/11/2021 04:03

@A8mint

I have 3 dc in their 20s and this certainly is not the norm in the circles they move in. In fact people (especially girls) who do this are viewed very negatively. As you get older and thoughts turn to settling down,the best men really do not want a woman who has shagged half the town.
What depressing, regressive, sexist nonsense.
WomanStanleyWoman · 27/11/2021 04:09

If you’re being physical with someone then surely there shouldn’t have to be an exclusivity talk?

But if it’s enough of an issue for you to be posting here, maybe it’s not as clear-cut as you thought? Maybe not everyone follows your doctrine to the letter?

WomanStanleyWoman · 27/11/2021 04:10

@BlueBellsArePretty

It's interesting as there have been a couple of threads recently criticising monogamy in favour of open relationships. It seems now that open relationships are the default until you agree to be monogamous.
And what’s the problem with that?
WomanStanleyWoman · 27/11/2021 04:11

@JoanWilderbeast

It's only any resulting children I feel sorry for, who haven't got the memo on how flexible they are meant to be with their attachments.
Have you heard of contraceptives?
WomanStanleyWoman · 27/11/2021 04:15

I said if it had been me and in the 90s and I saw him out on another date whilst also dating me I would have binned him.

Sounds like he’d have got the better end of the deal.

Riverlee · 27/11/2021 04:47

“I said if it had been me and in the 90s and I saw him out on another date whilst also dating me I would have binned him.”

Me too (and still would today).

phoenixrosehere · 27/11/2021 07:15

As you get older and thoughts turn to settling down,the best men really do not want a woman who has shagged half the town.

Those of you with this thought process, why do you assume sex has to be involved? You can go on dates with people and not engage in sexual activity. The assumption that men and women especially can not date without sexual activity is weird and ridiculous.