To not understand this trend for having to have an “exclusivity talk” when dating someone?

[HeartsAndClubs]

I was always under the impression that when you started seeing someone you were seeing each other and that was that.

But more recently there seems to be an understanding that unless you’ve actually agreed to be exclusive, it’s pretty much open season and either one of you can continue to date whoever you want however you want.

How have we got to this point?

Why is it seemingly so difficult for people to date one person at a time? And how is it that people should seemingly be happy to be cut loose at any time in order for the other to be “exclusive” with someone else?

@Jennifer2r

Why would you go to dinner with different people every night? What’s the point if you don’t actually like one enough in the first place. That’s just mates then.

I'll try and explain it to you. Say I have 2 men, A I met on a dating app and B I was introduced to through work. We're all adults so they have kids and work and other commitments. A and I go for a drink and he seems pleasant enough, I like the way he looks, he's kind to me. Can't see me again until the following week.

I will go for a drink with B in the meantime. No kissing, no sex.

A might take me out for dinner the next week. I notice he's a bit rude to the waitress and starts talking in a angry way about his ex wife once he's had too much wine. I think, I'll probably not see him again.

I didn't know enough about A to pin my hopes to him and not see B in the meantime. I haven't two timed or hurt or betrayed anyone. A and B are people I've only just met, and I don't know if I like either of them enough to just date them singly.

I’m not stupid. I understand the theory.

However in my world you meet A for a dinner date. He seems ok. You keep going until it doesn’t work and you break up. If either of you see other people you obviously aren’t that keen on each other snd break up.
Or you don’t like him and try B.

Comparing A to B reduces them to just nights out. Hedging your bets. I’d hate it if a bloke did this to me.

No, I just don't know if I'm 'keen' on him til I've spent more than a couple of hours with him. Until that time, they are just nights out. I get that you want to be a special treasure to someone from the word go, but not everyone thinks like that. Maybe this is why so many people on mumsnet are in awful relationships, because they are boyfriend and girlfriend after ten minutes in someone's company? I need to go on a fair few dates with someone before I put all my eggs in their basket.

I've had men tell me they think im wonderful after a first date and want me to be their girlfriend and I just think, wow you don't even know me. It makes me suspicious they're just looking for anyone and not wanting to get to know me.

Also, I didn't call you stupid. You asked the question 'why'. I don't think either of us is stupid or wrong it's just a different approach and luckily there are men that think the same as both of us, so it's fine isn't it.

I remember seeing this in US teen movies decades ago and thinking it sounded annoying and exhausting. Why and how would anyone want to date loads of people all at the same time? What’s the actual point of that? Is it time limited in some way like you need to whittle them all down by a particular point or something? Is it a sense of power or a way of avoiding actual feelings or being vulnerable? Just feels like auditioning people and not actually starting a fun relationship. Like when do you count the official start of your relationship if you both finally pick each other and stop shagging other people at the same time?

That’s a general question not aimed at anyone specifically, I haven’t read the full thread..

Another question. Do people who do this go to different places with each one of their dates? I used to be a waitress in a bar restaurant and a bloke would come in every Saturday night with a different girl. We’d all be like it’s that guy again, who is it this week..

@DateLoaf

That’s a general question not aimed at anyone specifically, I haven’t read the full thread..

Another question. Do people who do this go to different places with each one of their dates? I used to be a waitress in a bar restaurant and a bloke would come in every Saturday night with a different girl. We’d all be like it’s that guy again, who is it this week..

Not necessarily, I go where I want.

Obviously I try to avoid nosey judgy waiting staff though......

@DateLoaf

I remember seeing this in US teen movies decades ago and thinking it sounded annoying and exhausting. Why and how would anyone want to date loads of people all at the same time? What’s the actual point of that? Is it time limited in some way like you need to whittle them all down by a particular point or something? Is it a sense of power or a way of avoiding actual feelings or being vulnerable? Just feels like auditioning people and not actually starting a fun relationship. Like when do you count the official start of your relationship if you both finally pick each other and stop shagging other people at the same time?

For those who are hard of understanding, for the umpteenth time: DATING IS NOT SHAGGING!

Also, it's not compulsory.

@DateLoaf

I remember seeing this in US teen movies decades ago and thinking it sounded annoying and exhausting. Why and how would anyone want to date loads of people all at the same time? What’s the actual point of that? Is it time limited in some way like you need to whittle them all down by a particular point or something? Is it a sense of power or a way of avoiding actual feelings or being vulnerable? Just feels like auditioning people and not actually starting a fun relationship. Like when do you count the official start of your relationship if you both finally pick each other and stop shagging other people at the same time?

For your last question, I can only use my DH as an example as he's the only one I went exclusive with (five months after we met.) So I count that day as the proper start of the relationship but we've been together nearly 20 years now so it doesn't really feel that important where the start was.

As for why date for a while before choosing 'the one' - because it's fun and completely harmless as long as everyone is on the same page.

Sometimes I knew for sure that they were not long-term prospects but we still had a great time going out. Sometimes it's nicer to go and have a lovely meal and a walk along the Thames in the sunshine with an attractive guy, and then get dressed up for a theatre date with a different attractive guy than worry about 'not having found the one' sitting at home with a bottle of wine.

But that's cool choice too if that's your thing. Some people hate the pressure and stress of dating so it feels like work.

OK maybe you haven’t ever worked in restaurants for a living VanGoghsDog? Saturday Night Guy was a regular. In our workplace regulars are a different category of customers. And as people with social skills and eyes, we could saw that the same woman was never with this guy twice, yet every other part of his routine was kept the same. Which is tacky. Noticing a man apparently treating women as completely interchangeable is creepy. It is part of the job to notice things about customers, so we can try to anticipate what they will want. Any good bar or restaurant staff member tries to do that.

You normally get a relationship with your regulars in waiting on, you became warmer in your greeting on seeing them because that was what they expect and enjoy, you’re also expected to remember things they liked or disliked or their allergies or food restrictions, and to remember little things about their lives that they’ve mentioned. It makes them feel more looked after and helps them build a relationship with the restaurant, which is good for everyone. With social media, those skills are essential for staff to be on top of.

Saturday Night Guy felt to us a bit disrespectful of the social norms of restaurant life, not that that he cared, we were just anonymous waiters in the background. His prerogative. But his dating style (or whatever he was doing) made it tricky to tread the right line when interacting. We never knew if he was ‘supposed’ to be a regular or not to us. Primarily we certainly didn’t want to make this week’s dining partner feel at all uncomfortable so we all ended up telling him the same specific restaurant information each week..

Thanks CabinGirl I think you hit the nail on the head there with the pressure/stress work analogy. Everyone is different and the reading this threads’ been a helpful reminder for me on that.

@dateloaf if it's up to me to suggest a date I go to a cafe near my house where I know the staff, particularly if it's an online date, as safety is the most important thing for me. It's never been insinuated that I'm being disrespectful of the social norms of the place but who knows!

*For those who are hard of understanding, for the umpteenth time: DATING IS NOT SHAGGING!

Also, it's not compulsory.*

Right. Why some cannot fathom this is beyond me. It’s not hard to grasp.

I also remember my teen years where just simply dancing with someone there as an assumption of being “boyfriend and girlfriend” which I never understood and thought it was ridiculous.

Do people who do this go to different places with each one of their dates?

I’ve only lived in cities until I married my DH so there are countless places to be taken for a date. Some dates were just grabbing a takeaway coffee and walking around the city and beach.

You normally get a relationship with your regulars in waiting on, you became warmer in your greeting on seeing them because that was what they expect and enjoy, you’re also expected to remember things they liked or disliked or their allergies or food restrictions, and to remember little things about their lives that they’ve mentioned. It makes them feel more looked after and helps them build a relationship with the restaurant, which is good for everyone. With social media, those skills are essential for staff to be on top of.

Unless you don’t like his dating habits; in which case you can slag him off all over a public forum?

Just feels like auditioning people and not actually starting a fun relationship. Like when do you count the official start of your relationship if you both finally pick each other and stop shagging other people at the same time?

I agree. It all seems quite sordid

'sordid'

You are bonkers.

Sordid? What’s sordid about nice times with good food, laughs and a bit of sex if you feel like it?

I mean it would be lovely to meet your partner when you both own rival book stores, whilst also messaging a mystery man online, but don't realise the mystery man is also the rival book shop owner, who you hate, but then he realises who you are and falls in love with you , and then you fall in love with him whilst talking to the other man online still not realising until the last moment that the man you thought you hated is actually the man you love, and you kiss in a new york Park and live happily ever after.

But some women get sick of waiting for love to happen organically and take the matter of finding a partner into their own hands.

Sometimes I knew for sure that they were not long-term prospects but we still had a great time going out.

I think for us socially conservative types, this is one of the big red flags. There appears to be no taboo on what used to be called ‘stringing someone along’ or ‘wasting a young girl’s time’. The onus is entirely on the person suffering from unrealistic hopes/unrequited love to end the relationship. If there is no social pressure on the person loved to only have one prospect at a time, this could go on and on. You can say it isn’t a relationship, but to me half a dozen dinner dates is a romantic relationship and half a dozen dinner dates plus sex is a sexual relationship. The idea that as long as you don’t call it a relationship, either party can always end it without the other getting hurt doesn’t seem realistic to me.

If a man or woman came on here to ask for advice on their boyfriend/girlfriend and it transpired they'd only been on 3 dates they'd be told, quite rightly, that they are bonkers to be using those terms.

I think unless the other person had made it clear they were also not looking for a relationship, I would have made a decision before half a dozen dinner dates.

Its just about both parties being up front and honest. Some people are looking for the one, some are just up for dating and casual sex and most people say so on their OLD profile or during the initial messages etc.

Communication is key

@OhMyCrump

I think unless the other person had made it clear they were also not looking for a relationship, I would have made a decision before half a dozen dinner dates.

Its just about both parties being up front and honest. Some people are looking for the one, some are just up for dating and casual sex and most people say so on their OLD profile or during the initial messages etc.

Communication is key

Sorry that was in reply to @justforthistoday

@JustForThisToday

Sometimes I knew for sure that they were not long-term prospects but we still had a great time going out.

I think for us socially conservative types, this is one of the big red flags. There appears to be no taboo on what used to be called ‘stringing someone along’ or ‘wasting a young girl’s time’. The onus is entirely on the person suffering from unrealistic hopes/unrequited love to end the relationship. If there is no social pressure on the person loved to only have one prospect at a time, this could go on and on. You can say it isn’t a relationship, but to me half a dozen dinner dates is a romantic relationship and half a dozen dinner dates plus sex is a sexual relationship. The idea that as long as you don’t call it a relationship, either party can always end it without the other getting hurt doesn’t seem realistic to me.

But that's why the 'exclusive' chat works, or the old-fashioned "where's this going' chat. And it's also why dating with really clear boundaries and expectations is fun and enjoyable.

Probably on the first or second date I'd have tested the water with some subtle or not so subtle questions to see where the other person was coming from and have a good idea whether we were on the same page, or whether I might have to drop some extra hints as to my own intentions (whether interested in more long term or more casual.)

It does help to be sensitive to both the other person's emotional attachment, as well as your own. Sometimes you can tell that a date you've seen a few times is getting ready to commit and if you know that you are not going to be interested then it's cruel to continue.

Sometimes I was the one who was on the edge of really falling for someone but I could see they were not as interested so would let them go before I got too attached and hurt.

But I loved my dating years, I met some really interesting people, some I'm still in touch with platonically.

@OhMyCrump

I mean it would be lovely to meet your partner when you both own rival book stores, whilst also messaging a mystery man online, but don't realise the mystery man is also the rival book shop owner, who you hate, but then he realises who you are and falls in love with you , and then you fall in love with him whilst talking to the other man online still not realising until the last moment that the man you thought you hated is actually the man you love, and you kiss in a new york Park and live happily ever after.

But some women get sick of waiting for love to happen organically and take the matter of finding a partner into their own hands.

I still think if he'd really loved her, he would have found a way to use his wealth and business acumen to help her save her shop in some form - maybe a super-specialized book store, or combine with another business to make it work.

Sorry off-topic.

In my day (I’m 50), anything past a first date (assuming you wanted to see them again) meant you were ‘going out with each other’, as in boyfriend/girlfriend. It was quite simple. If you didn’t like them after a while, you finished with them.

With my DD and her mates, it’s all going Instagram and Facebook official, going exclusive, having ‘space’ then blocking and ghosting etc. I thank fuck I’m old tbh.