Washing up gate, who was unreasonable?

[Homerenonovice]

I won’t give the full back story as I want opinions based on the facts rather than from the angels we were each coming from.

I had just done all the washing up/ loaded the dishwasher. Walked up stairs and DH was rushing out the room to go to a work meeting and had another few bits of washing up.

I said oh I’ve just done the washing up and have people coming over, can you just leave it in the bedroom for now so it’s out of sight.

DH said no, my hands are full I’m putting the washing up in the sink where washing up goes.

I took the washing up back out the sink back upstairs and put it on his bedside table.

Was I being unreasonable?

Skivvy, not skinny.

I can't imagine living like this. Such drama over some dishes.

@1forAll74

Too petty for words. And you are lucky to have a dishwasher, but a few things in the sink, is no big deal.. I bet there are hundreds of homes in the country, that have dishes left in sinks at some point.

It's not about some stuff in the sink. It's about an inconsiderate dh ignoring his wife's request.

It's not about some stuff in the sink. It's about an inconsiderate dh ignoring his wife's request.

Why does her request trump his? He wanted to put dirty items in the sink where they belong. If he hadn't it could've been cries of DH is working from our bedroom and leaves washing up on his desk. I don't see why he can't clear it away so the bedroom isn't littered with dirty items.

Just don’t understand why a few dishes can’t be in a sink when friends come round ?
Obvs is nice to have a tidy up but the kitchen sink is probably the very last thing I’d expect to see pristine and empty if someone was cooking for me or for any reason. Wouldn’t notice a sink !

Honestly. Just forget it and move on. Really not worth all the emotional drama and angst. It's making both of you feel bad ... over what is maybe 2 mins work. I'd have had a bit of a grumble, done it and enjoyed my evening with friends.

Instead, it's still resonating 2 days in. Bonkers

@HeronLanyon

Just don’t understand why a few dishes can’t be in a sink when friends come round ? Obvs is nice to have a tidy up but the kitchen sink is probably the very last thing I’d expect to see pristine and empty if someone was cooking for me or for any reason. Wouldn’t notice a sink !

If someone was cooking for me & there were dirty dishes in the sink, I'd question their knowledge of basic hygiene regarding food prep

Sorry but that's just weird. If they've missed the dishwasher eithercwash them up or leave in the sink till you can. Even with the porridge, you could probably have washed them in the time it took you to put them back in the bedroom.

@Offmyfence

It's not about some stuff in the sink. It's about an inconsiderate dh ignoring his wife's request.

Why does her request trump his? He wanted to put dirty items in the sink where they belong. If he hadn't it could've been cries of DH is working from our bedroom and leaves washing up on his desk. I don't see why he can't clear it away so the bedroom isn't littered with dirty items.

This is exactly right. He's put into a position where he can only lose. If washing-up and other tasks need to be shared out better then that's a separate conversation, but there is always a lag of a few items waiting for wash-up.

svalberg don’t understand. Cooking creates dirty dishes. As a visitor I wouldn’t nixie and if I did I certainly wouldn’t check whether they were dishes which had just been used in cooking or which had been brought from another room.
I don’t personally see a hygiene issue of start to cook something when there may a few dishes ( which I’m not going to use when dirty) in the sink ?!

If someone was cooking for me & there were dirty dishes in the sink, I'd question their knowledge of basic hygiene regarding food prep

If you think having dirty dishes in the sink affects food prep I am questioning where you prep your food

He's put into a position where he can only lose.

I don't agree with this. On this one occasion, with guests arriving imminently, the OP asked him to do her a favour re washing up (to leave the dishes where they were temporarily). He refused. She would have been grateful if he had done as she asked, no losing about it.

What happens normally regarding washing-up is a separate issue. The issue here is that he refused to adjust his routine, by however tiny an amount, to accommodate the OP's wishes. He regarded his opinion as the more valid one, thought she was being silly, so disregarded her request. Her wishes just didn't matter to him here. I understand completely why she was upset by this disrespect on his part.

What is this weird expectation that a DH must do as they are told with no opinion of their own? If my DH asked me to do something stupid like put dirty plates in my office or my bedroom, then no I wouldn't comply. I'd probably wash them up if I had time and he looked stressed, but otherwise I'd expect him to start thinking straight a few minutes later. Similarly, if I ask him to do something, I don't expect him to never have an opinion about it or want to do something different. We certainly wouldn't have days worth of arguments over whether or not one of us was immediately obedient. Marriage doesn't give anyone dictatorship rights.

If someone was cooking for me & there were dirty dishes in the sink, I'd question their knowledge of basic hygiene regarding food prep

Don't come to my home, you would not be welcome, luckily I have no friends like you (of course they wouldn't be friends if they were).

@Marynotsocontrary

He's put into a position where he can only lose.

I don't agree with this. On this one occasion, with guests arriving imminently, the OP asked him to do her a favour re washing up (to leave the dishes where they were temporarily). He refused. She would have been grateful if he had done as she asked, no losing about it.

What happens normally regarding washing-up is a separate issue. The issue here is that he refused to adjust his routine, by however tiny an amount, to accommodate the OP's wishes. He regarded his opinion as the more valid one, thought she was being silly, so disregarded her request. Her wishes just didn't matter to him here. I understand completely why she was upset by this disrespect on his part.

But similarly his wishes were equally as valid and important, so why does OP wishes trump his?

She got her way, she took the dishes out and put them back upstairs, as she wanted. Hopefully, she collected them and took them back down stairs when it suited her better, or maybe she is happy sleeping amongst dirty dishes?

Am I the only one who just opens the dishwasher when it’s running to add stuff in? The water stops when you open the door…

@DigOlBick

Am I the only one who just opens the dishwasher when it’s running to add stuff in? The water stops when you open the door…

I deffo do this on a regular basis!

@Offmyfence

But similarly his wishes were equally as valid and important, so why does OP wishes trump his?

His wish to do fuck all round the house and for the magic fairy to wash his crusty porridge tupperware that takes ages to wash?

No guest meeds to be seeing that.

[quote tallduckandhandsome]@Offmyfence

But similarly his wishes were equally as valid and important, so why does OP wishes trump his?

His wish to do fuck all round the house and for the magic fairy to wash his crusty porridge tupperware that takes ages to wash?

No guest meeds to be seeing that.[/quote]
But that's not what was the question here, if OP has not established a mutually respectful relationship in terms of house work, then that needs addressing.

But taking the "crusty porridge tupperware that takes ages to wash" and putting it on his bedside table, not even his desk was ridiculous. I personally really don't find it takes ages to wash (but of course adding that helps add a bit more drama to the situation).

Can you imagine the outcry if a man had taken washing out of the sink and put it on his DW bedside table?

That would not have gone down well and I agree, dirty plates belong in the sink and certainly not on the bedside table. I am surprised that OP with her exacting standards would think otherwise.

But similarly his wishes were equally as valid and important, so why does OP wishes trump his?

Of course, in general, both partners wishes are valid and things need to be discussed, agreement reached etc.

I'm talking about his one specific instance though. In this case, it mattered more to the OP. The visitors were her guests, she was cooking, she wanted the kitchen she had just cleaned to stay clean, for a little while a least. He was going out, they weren't his guests, he hadn't spent time preparing the house for their arrival.

I can't see that obliging his wife in this instance would have inconvenienced the DH in any way. But he thought she was being silly, he thought (like many on here) that it was trivial, that her friends wouldn't mind. But it did matter to OP, she wouldn't have asked otherwise. She wasn't listened to, her wish was ignored - and that hurt.

In this particular occasion, I think it would have been kind, and shown respect, to do as the OP suggested. I do understand why she was upset.

As regards putting the dirty dishes back - I may have done this if I were angry enough. More probably I'd have quickly put them somewhere else. I would most certainly have left them for him to wash up...no way would I wash them in those circumstances.

I agree Mary and don't forget the plates have been there for a while and she's the one who's going to wash them anyway. So it's no skin off the husband's back.

If I had plates in the office/bedroom for a while and as I was about to take them to the sink, my 'personal dish-washer' asked me to leave them where they were for longer, I'd simply comply. It's no longer my business if they take the plates from the sink or the table to wash, after I tried to move them.

It will be an arsehole move for me to say 'No I will dump them in the sink now for you to wash, even though they've been on the table all day'.

Referring to your post at 10:32

@HeronLanyon

svalberg don’t understand. Cooking creates dirty dishes. As a visitor I wouldn’t nixie and if I did I certainly wouldn’t check whether they were dishes which had just been used in cooking or which had been brought from another room. I don’t personally see a hygiene issue of start to cook something when there may a few dishes ( which I’m not going to use when dirty) in the sink ?!

Don't you wash vegetables/salad? I can't cook if the sides & sink aren't clear as I don't want to contaminate fresh food with old food as it'll be a bacteria hazard. It's more than likely that some people's idea of cooking involves sticking a ready meal or nibbles in the microwave and I'm talking at cross purposes but the first thing I do before I cook is to clear the prep area. I put stuff in the dishwasher as I go along too (obviously it was out of action here)

Totally unreasonable