Washing up gate, who was unreasonable?

[Homerenonovice]

I won’t give the full back story as I want opinions based on the facts rather than from the angels we were each coming from.

I had just done all the washing up/ loaded the dishwasher. Walked up stairs and DH was rushing out the room to go to a work meeting and had another few bits of washing up.

I said oh I’ve just done the washing up and have people coming over, can you just leave it in the bedroom for now so it’s out of sight.

DH said no, my hands are full I’m putting the washing up in the sink where washing up goes.

I took the washing up back out the sink back upstairs and put it on his bedside table.

Was I being unreasonable?

@sparklefarts

I sort of get it.

I do think you're a bit OTT in not having dirty dishes in your sink while your friend was there. My friends see my flat in all sorts of states perfectly lovely through to minging

HOWEVER, I do think that partners should SOMETIMES just do little things (even if weird) if it makes no difference to them, but would help their partner feel happier.

I would have internally thought DH was being weird but I would have just shrugged and said yeah sure and left him to it

Key to a happy life

Don’t sweat the small stuff

@Bluntness100 I’m really not sure why you’re not understanding when I’ve already directly clarified to you. I’ll repeat…

I didn’t take dishes out of the sink and take them upstairs to hide them from a friend did I, I asked my DH to leave them where they had been all morning so they were out of sight. I took them out the sink because I was annoyed at my DH not listening to me and leaving them there expecting me to do it.

@Dindundundundeeer thank you, that gave me a well needed laugh.

Op, I voted yabu because, well, you were.

However like a pp I felt the backstory was important and now that we it I think your response was understandable, if still unreasonable. And what's more I'd probably have done the same or similar!

He needs to start pulling his weight and his fair share. And if he doesn't then you are entitled to be angry about it.

So he. Wants you to do as you are told because you ‘work’ part time. You are not the paid fucking help!
That said, it may be communication. To him You having a friend round means an nice afternoon… whilst he works to pay for it and you can’t even be arsed to wash a couple of things. He doesn’t see the playing with child/feeds / nappy changes and the millions of things you do automatically that mean it isn’t a Disney movie. You both sound out of kilter, especially throwing stuff, so if he is normally ok, get some childcare if you can, or wait till d in bed and talk. However If this is tip of ice berg then you need to consider how you see this relationship continuing because he isn’t seeing you as equal

There’s obviously a backstory - typical man not seeing or thinking about what needs to be done/mental load sort of behaviour?

[quote Homerenonovice]@Bluntness100 I’m really not sure why you’re not understanding when I’ve already directly clarified to you. I’ll repeat…

I didn’t take dishes out of the sink and take them upstairs to hide them from a friend did I, I asked my DH to leave them where they had been all morning so they were out of sight. I took them out the sink because I was annoyed at my DH not listening to me and leaving them there expecting me to do it.[/quote]
From your posts you've openly said you hadn't told your husband that you were washing up, you also didn't tell him you had loaded and started the dishwasher. So by your own admission you did all of that, purely so that you could entertain your guests and give the impression you live in a pristine home where a cereal bowl and a shake flask in your sink would have hampered you preparing a meal. Whilst you were getting to entertain your friends, your husband was off to a work meeting, and on his way down he brought his pots. You told him to leave them in your bedroom so you could impress your friends with your super pristine kitchen, your timescale of washing a cereal bowl and a shake flask would have taken you too long to wash up ( bearing in mind it would have taken a minute or two) as your friends were poised to arrive that second ( yes you really built it up that you simply hadn't got time) You then didn't like the fact that in his haste to get to work, and bring his pots down- which he'd have probably have got moaned at for not doing... So as he'd not done as you asked you decided to teach him a lesson, you by your own admission then got this cereal bowl and drinks flask, and took it all the way back upstairs to prove a point.
Whilst you're happily entertaining your friends your husband is out at work. Not lazying around or being a slob, he's at work!
He then comes home and obviously sees your little lesson teaching exercise and reacts... You don't drip feed this into the thread until you see it's not going your way. You even downplay the amount of people who disagree with you. Saying it's good you've got an understanding as to why you and your husband disagree. The fact is the vast majority agreed with your husband!
You caused your husband to lose his temper, and by you're own admission you say he's not a violent unreasonable man. You provoked that anger and when you saw an opening you used that to play the poor wife and child at risk from this terrible man. You'd got people asking if you'd left him yet.
Your comments again say you're entertaining again, but his pots don't matter today. You seem to entertain a lot, and your husband is obviously at work again.
So all these posters who are vilifying your husband and cheering you on for showing your husband you're no skivvy you poor part-time mother and wife. Seems unfair really as if you entertained less, and didn't try to play some showhome owning actress cooking dinner for friends you'd probably have more time to wash a few pots. You might not even need to use the dishwasher!
Life is only as hard as you make it, and so are relationships!

@GertietheGherkin wow just wow are u ok hun? More projection than in a cinema in your post.

[quote tallduckandhandsome]@GertietheGherkin wow just wow are u ok hun? More projection than in a cinema in your post.[/quote]
Yeah I'm doing great thanks.
I never pay much attention to the projector at the cinemas... I tend to be more focused on the film.
Still if projectors are your thing. You enjoy them. Hun 😁

Too petty for words. And you are lucky to have a dishwasher, but a few things in the sink, is no big deal.. I bet there are hundreds of homes in the country, that have dishes left in sinks at some point.

Just out of curiosity what where your plans for the dirty pots and pans from cooking then if putting dirty washing in the sink wasnt an option due to guests?
Indeed

I don’t know why your DH couldn’t have just done what you asked (ie. Don’t spoil my freshly clean kitchen).
A couple of bits of washing up in the sink do not "spoil" a freshly clean kitchen. What a bizarre thing to think.

I didn’t just take dishes upstairs to hide them from a friend coming round. There is a huge difference and that would be really weird.
Yet your actual reasoning was even more weird AND petty and is ultimately what provoked a reaction in your DH when he returned to find them back in the bedroom.

I don't think YWU, I think he was as it would've taken seconds to pop them back in the bedroom, where he'd been happy to have them.

My friends don't judge so that's not why I'd clean and iffy but I do really like having a lovely tidy kitchen /downstairs if I have friends coming over. I feel more relaxed. Doesn't bother me at all if I go to friend's houses and it isn't the same, I still feel relaxed, I just prefer mine to be tidy.

He was U - given the back story update I think it's quite funny you put them back upstairs! I'd have probably put them in the dustbin.

Don't do all the stuff at home, cos if you ever go FT it'll be a nightmare trying to get him to do his share (and it'll be because you don't have such a long commute, so many meetings, such an important FT job etc etc)

I'm with you OP, it's not the washing up i's the thoughtlessness he obviously thought you would wash up his stuff so that the place looked nice knowing you had friends coming over.

You were unreasonable op, and petty.

Seems to be a lot of people who don't want an empty sink before they start to prepare food. Personally, I'm not keen on washing veg when the sink has dirty plates etc in it.
OP, I would have put the washing up in a carrier bag outside the back door. And probably carried on doing this whenever stuff was left in the sink for me to wash.

[quote Homerenonovice]@Bluntness100 I’m really not sure why you’re not understanding when I’ve already directly clarified to you. I’ll repeat…

I didn’t take dishes out of the sink and take them upstairs to hide them from a friend did I, I asked my DH to leave them where they had been all morning so they were out of sight. I took them out the sink because I was annoyed at my DH not listening to me and leaving them there expecting me to do it.[/quote]
To be fair, I can understand where Bluntness is coming from.

You either took dirty stuff out of the sink and put it in the bedroom to hide it

Or you took dirty washing up out of the sink and put it in the bedroom as a childish, passive aggressive dig.

Either way you were out of order, own it.

His reaction was OTT but your odd behaviour and refusal to acknowledge and laugh about it is even weirder than the initial behaviour

It's the putting them back in the bedroom I can't get over.. My 3 year old has more maturity than this.

Your husband was mean not to do you a favour by leaving the dishes in the bedroom a little longer imo.

I can absolutely understand why you pointedly put them back, it was your way of telling him that you will not be treated with disrespect.

The people saying your friend wouldn't mind are missing the point. It mattered to you and he basically refused to help you out. If he really didn't want to leave them in the bedroom he should have washed them and put them away before leaving for work. If he expected you to do it, then, at the very least, it should be at your convenience. (I think it's probable he's doing less than his fair share of houehold chores in general btw.)

@GertietheGherkin you’ve made quite a few incorrect assumptions there and seem to be implying that I just spend my time off with my friends whilst my poor husband is out working so hard.

Not sure why it matters but I’ll clarify. The first day was actually a play date for the kids, not just me socialising with my friends. I always spend that particular day of the week doing the housework as I am off work with the children. I work 3 days a week so I can be with the children the rest of the time, rather than sending them to nursery full time as they are not at school age yet.

The second day, my husband was at a social event, getting drunk. I think inviting two friends over once the children in bed is perfectly reasonable.

Before I get accused of drip feeding I didn’t in anyway realise any of this was relevant to a bit of washing up.

@GiltEdges

Just out of curiosity what where your plans for the dirty pots and pans from cooking then if putting dirty washing in the sink wasnt an option due to guests? Indeed

I don’t know why your DH couldn’t have just done what you asked (ie. Don’t spoil my freshly clean kitchen).
A couple of bits of washing up in the sink do not "spoil" a freshly clean kitchen. What a bizarre thing to think.

I didn’t just take dishes upstairs to hide them from a friend coming round. There is a huge difference and that would be really weird.
Yet your actual reasoning was even more weird AND petty and is ultimately what provoked a reaction in your DH when he returned to find them back in the bedroom.

All of the above and how much longer than taking them back up would it have taken you to wash them? Not that it was needed as they were totally inoffensive anyway.

I think that if your DH had tried to wash them, that would also have been wrong.

His reaction was over the top but you were being so petty and unreasonable. Dirty Tupperware belongs in the sink. You went downstairs to get it out and put it back upstairs, I'm not surprised he was pissed off with you.

@JamAutistically he threw the shake bottle across the bedroom whilst our one year old child was in the room.

So your baby was in the bedroom alone before your DH came home?

@1forAll74

Too petty for words. And you are lucky to have a dishwasher, but a few things in the sink, is no big deal.. I bet there are hundreds of homes in the country, that have dishes left in sinks at some point.

Read the full thread. You've missed the point.

@anon12345678901

His reaction was over the top but you were being so petty and unreasonable. Dirty Tupperware belongs in the sink. You went downstairs to get it out and put it back upstairs, I'm not surprised he was pissed off with you.

It's not about where the dirty tupperware goes. It's about the DH ignoring his wife's request, and giving her extra work , because she is after all, his skinny. FFS