Washing up gate, who was unreasonable?

[Homerenonovice]

I won’t give the full back story as I want opinions based on the facts rather than from the angels we were each coming from.

I had just done all the washing up/ loaded the dishwasher. Walked up stairs and DH was rushing out the room to go to a work meeting and had another few bits of washing up.

I said oh I’ve just done the washing up and have people coming over, can you just leave it in the bedroom for now so it’s out of sight.

DH said no, my hands are full I’m putting the washing up in the sink where washing up goes.

I took the washing up back out the sink back upstairs and put it on his bedside table.

Was I being unreasonable?

You sound like one of horror housemates from uni that would leave dirty plates outside a follow housemate's bedroom to prove a point! Just quite petty isn't it really?

YABVU
Absolutely disgusting to have dirty dishes in the bedroom. They belong in the sink. I think you’ve made a rod for your own back now, with your childish stunt as he could easily counter by not ever clearing dishes out the bedroom and just leaving them there for you to clear because “you got angry last time I put them in the sink, so Im leaving them for you as only you know when it is ok to put them in the sink”.

This is madness. Why not just put them in the dishwasher? I do not understand.

I agree, leaving the plates in the room makes no difference to him since you usually do the washing up and he normally leaves plates there anyway.

He was being unreasonable too. Does he normally like to do the opposite of what you ask?

It just seems a bit petty and 'battle of the wills' all round for you both.

Dirty Tupperware goes in the sink. If it bothered you, you could have quickly put them in a hot soak. Friend comes, chat hi etc, make coffee. Then as friend sips coffee you put Tupperware out and rinse. If a friend of mine got sniffy about a few plates sitting out, then I'd be worried they don't have enough of interest going in in their life and suggest a hobby.

I know this has been linked on a thread before - but I think @Homerenonovice that this is what you're getting at.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/amp/

Why is absolutely disgusting to have dirty plates in a bedroom?

I’m glad there are some people who see it from my point of view and I’m also glad others see it from DH’s view as it means we’re normal for seeing the situation differently.

I don’t understand why people have to twist what is being said though. People are making out that I pretty much asked DH to take dirty dinner sodden plates out of the sink and take them upstairs to hide them. That would of course have been weird. I just asked him to leave the bits where they was for another couple of hours as I didn’t have time to deal with the right now.

I don’t know how big your houses are but in my normal sized house it took 30 seconds to run the bits upstairs, and I probably did it whilst I was doing something else. It would definitely have taken longer to wash up.

I can take on board the criticism and actually admit that yeah I was being petty, it was the principle of it. He took them downstairs knowing I would have to do them and I wasn’t willing to give in.

I warned DH last week that I was starting to get annoyed with him just leaving his washing up to me all the time. He did do some at the weekend but this was obviously the straw that broke the camels back for me.

@Stiffcondomhat

Dh should have brought them down and washed them up. You are not a skivvy.

This 👆

If he insisted on bringing them down, he should have washed them up.

Bloody hell that was petty.

Are you sure you're old enough to have a home of your own?

That's very weird of you, sorry. Who wants washing up in the bedroom?? Yuck! Ideally he should have put it in the dishwasher. But if really not time for that then next to the dishwasher or in the sink is the sensible place. It will only have to come back down from the bedroom again later. And looks much messier.

@Shouldbeworkingnotreadingtalk that made me cry, it explains everything I’m feeling!

Does noone ever set the dishwasher off, spot something dirty on the side that you'd missed, open the dishwasher, get splashed putting in said item and then set it back off again? I do this all of the time!

@Homerenonovice

I’m glad there are some people who see it from my point of view and I’m also glad others see it from DH’s view as it means we’re normal for seeing the situation differently.

I don’t understand why people have to twist what is being said though. People are making out that I pretty much asked DH to take dirty dinner sodden plates out of the sink and take them upstairs to hide them. That would of course have been weird. I just asked him to leave the bits where they was for another couple of hours as I didn’t have time to deal with the right now.

I don’t know how big your houses are but in my normal sized house it took 30 seconds to run the bits upstairs, and I probably did it whilst I was doing something else. It would definitely have taken longer to wash up.

I can take on board the criticism and actually admit that yeah I was being petty, it was the principle of it. He took them downstairs knowing I would have to do them and I wasn’t willing to give in.

I warned DH last week that I was starting to get annoyed with him just leaving his washing up to me all the time. He did do some at the weekend but this was obviously the straw that broke the camels back for me.

Hmmmm, you're always going to get different opinions but I don't think you can shrug off an 85% YABU as "see, everyone sees it differently"

The notion of taking dirty plates and cups from the kitchen and into a bedroom is crazy.

if you had only just put the dishwasher on, couldn't you have opened it and bunged them in? (assuming there was room of course)

A bit weird to ask him to put them back in the room tbh

Super passive aggressive to take them back up. That’s pretty poor behaviour.

Nothing petty about it OP.

You are tired of being treated disrespectfully.

He thinks you are the house skivvy.

Not nice.
Not kind.
Not loving.

You have asked him to cease doing this.

Have you children?
Because having them with someone who treats you like a hoyse skivvy is NOT a good idea.

The fact that @Shouldbeworkingnotreadingtalk posting that link and it causing you to cry should be a massive red flag to you about how you are feeling.

Don't ignore this.

These persistent upsets, destroy marriages.

Mind yourself.

YANBU.
This is not a thread about washing up.
This is about an inconsiderate DH who doesn't listen to his wife.
I would have done much the same, OP, and had a conversation about it later.
Stop doing his washing up. he's an adult - how would he cope if he was on his own?

You would have been unreasonable to put them on the bedside table if he didn't treat you like an absolute skivvy.

If he'd asked you to do them while you were already washing up that would've been slightly understandable but leaving them for you to wash up is a dickhead move, especially as it sounds like they needed soaking.

@QforCucumber

Does noone ever set the dishwasher off, spot something dirty on the side that you'd missed, open the dishwasher, get splashed putting in said item and then set it back off again? I do this all of the time!

Yes, I do, as long as it is not too far into the programme it's not an issue and is what I would have asked the husband in this scenario to do.

Far less time and effort than taking them up and down the stairs to make a point.

Very YABU. I get the being frustrated with him for not bringing them down. But to take them back upstairs? Could either of you just not quickly do them at the sink? Will your visitors really care that there's a few things in the sink?

How is being asked NOT to do something - take dishes down - which helps compared to DOING something to annoy your partner - putting the cups in the sink?

I would’ve returned the dishes!!

I ask kids NOT to bring dishes down until the dishwasher is empty. That way the kitchen stays clean until I can reload.

Not difficult!!

@Disfordarkchocolate

Bloody hell that was petty.

Are you sure you're old enough to have a home of your own?

You've missed the point.

I think YANBU. You had just cleaned and tidied and wanted a spotless kitchen to start off with. You felt it would have spoiled the effect to have dirty crockery in the sink.

Your DH could/should have humoured you on this seeing as it meant more to you than it did to him. That's give and take in marriage IMHO. As long as you would humour him equally on something more important to him but is no skin off your nose as such.

DH and I back in our early years would have clashed on this sort of thing but now we just do little things like that for each other. We get along all the better for it.