DH wants to be a content creator

[Wazza89]

DH and I are struggling for money. He works 5 days a week and I’m a SAHM (because childcare costs, etc). We never have enough money to go away and my mum has stepped in to lend us money for DS shoes when I can’t find anything secondhand. We BOTH have past debts and have been reckless with money pre having kids.

However, I feel there are ways to cut back. DH never brings food into work. He says he buys a Tesco meal deal which I understand isn’t exactly expensive, but still costs more than bringing food from home in. We have two cars between us and his is on finance. I’ve told him we can share mine (and I would even make him the registered keeper as he drives more than me), but he won’t consider it. We could also downsize the 3-bed house we rent, but he doesn’t really want to because the third room is his gaming room/man cave. He spends a lot of time in there streaming and making social media content. He says he wants to earn a full-time income doing what he loves (don’t we all?!) and has watched a lot of Gary V and other famous podcasters and YouTubers (self-made millionaires). He’s put a lot of money into business ventures that have never materialised and equipment for his social media stuff, etc. In the past, I’ve tried being supportive but now I’m at the end of my tether as I feel he is not being responsible or realistic. We’ve already had to borrow money this month to get his car serviced.

When I tried bringing it up the other day (very tactfully), he tried giving me a hug and telling me everything would be alright once DS is in school full-time and I go back to work. Other times it’s been when his latest project takes off, etc.

I know it’s the sunken cost fallacy but when I’ve snapped or not shown interest in his latest money making scheme, I’ve been told I’m not being supportive and he genuinely seemed gutted. His mother, on the other hand, is always incredibly supportive and tells him he can do anything he puts his mind to. Likes everything on his social media, etc! There’s nothing wrong with having ambition, but I wish he’d worry more about the now which I constantly am!

@lousanne

Online degree is the same bachelor degree as attending it in person *@Kanaloa* ?

I needed a bachelor in the field I wanted to retrain in. So I did it but only online as I also had to work FT to make money.

How is it any different to a student attending a campus? Perfect for mature students, FT, workers, mums.

It’s different because many universities don’t offer an online option. Some courses don’t.

It also doesn’t really validate your comment that my experience of colleges and universities not being set up to accommodate mothers with small kids is ‘nonsense.’ It’s my experience. I had to go to college two full days a week to gain my a levels before going to university - this would have been impossible with a two year old and no childcare.

And for me personally I wouldn’t want to do open university or similar. Just my own experience of things.

“He’s put a lot of money into business ventures that have never materialised and equipment for his social media stuff, etc. In the past, I’ve tried being supportive but now I’m at the end of my tether as I feel he is not being responsible or realistic. We’ve already had to borrow money this month to get his car serviced.”

Seems that you as a family have invested sufficient time, money, emotional energy, risk and hope into his repeated delusional and failed business escapades.

You have indulged enough.

You need to prioritise your DC.

Look to your own long term future because the only predator of future success is past record - and his is abysmal. Un-hitch your wagon from this loser - it’s all ego - most people will suffer for their passion - he isn’t prepared to do that - but is prepared to see his child, partner and MIL suffer.

Does he also manage to get out of childcare doing his hobby / passion / gaming that he pretends is a business opportunity.

You need to increase your income and decrease your outgoings. Have you done a monthly budget from bank statements of what's going in/whats coming out? Sounds like you are in the negative at the moment and that is obviously unsustainable.
If debts are the real issue then perhaps you can seek some expert advice and see about a plan to pay them off in a more affordable fashion? You cannot afford to be a SAHM, if you are earning less than you are spending you will just get into further debt. There are so many avenues you can explore, have you seen what support you can get while in receipt of UC childcare wise? Would your mum help you at all if it meant she wouldn't have to support you financially? I work 2 nightshifts a week and have a 1 year old and a 4 yo with no childcare. Its tiring obviously but entirely manageable. You cannot afford to run 2 cars and realistically you do not need 2 cars. We have never had a second car and for 6m when my DH was out of a job we never had a car at all. Assess your property, I've never known anyone to rent an extra room, it really is excessive. If rents have gone up locally it may not be cost effective to move right now but you both need to sit down and discuss all these things. Neither of you are individually responsible for your situation but an extended period of spending more than you earn has caused things to feel so desperate.

The good thing is that you can change this now and next year in the run up to Christmas you will be in a much better position and be able to afford some Christmas presents for your DS when he is becoming much more aware of it all.

Being a SAHM is just as financially irresponsible as his childish dream of internet fame. You both need to work a bit harder to afford the things you want.

@Kanaloa

And for me personally I wouldn’t want to do open university or similar. Just my own experience of things.

I know, it's crap isn't it? I'd 'want to' just focus on uni and not work. I'd want to reduce working hours so I didn't have to do assignments at night. But it was not feasible for me. Just like it's not feasible for OP to be SAHP when they can't afford shoes for kids.

God. It doesn’t really sound that he has a practical plan for earning through social media? Which is tough as PP have said, especially if you aren’t especially young.

Dreamers don’t tend to change. Right now it seems like he is the boss and your suggestions aren’t being taken on board. Would this change if you went back a couple days and he took over childcare? Or do you have joint control of money and you can negotiate some changes?

If neither of these things can work, I think your long term prospects aren’t good. I wouldn’t have any more kids with this man, and I do think, just practically, you may need to separate to get on your feet financially.

What is his "day job"?

Okay, you have it your way @lousanne. I’m glad you could do a degree while working full time with a baby. Sorry you think my experience that it’s not easy for mums to go back to education is ‘nonsense.’

Still think my point stands - those saying ‘just retrain/get a job’ are massively simplifying how difficult those things are.

And perhaps it isn’t feasible for op to be a SAHM but if they can’t afford childcare then she’s not going to be in a better position by working a minimum wage job to pay childcare that eats up her entire wage. It won’t improve the situation at the moment, not until her child qualifies for some free nursery hours.

I agree with the posters saying you should find work, if only to be in a better position for when you dump this cloud cuckoo land manchild.

I expect if you did get a bar job or similar, his standard of living would rise and yours (and your child's) would stay the same because he'd convince himself there was more money for gaming equipment and/or that you could start paying a share of the boring bills, freeing up his money for ... more gaming equipment.

I rolled my eyes when I read the bit about "when DS starts school and you can get a job". Guess where he's planning that extra income is going to go? On his Flash Harry lifestyle while you scrape around to buy your child second have school shoes Funny that his "nothing but the best" attitude only extends as far as himself isn't it?

If you're on UC does your son not qualify for 15hrs free childcare?

I used to work as a receptionist 3 days per week and I hated it, and childcare was so expensive and I was only on minimum wage, so a few months ago got a job working evenings in a supermarket, and honestly it's worked out brilliant! I work 3 evenings per week but there are often extra shifts available. It's strenuous work, and not particularly exciting as its mainly shelf stacking but it gets me out of the house, the hours are great and earns me some money, could you do something like this? It will bring some extra money into the house without needing to pay for childcare.

In terms of your husband, he sounds like he needs a but of a reality check! Being a content creator can bring in big money, but the start up costs are high and it can take a long time to see any return - in the meantime he needs to do it alongside his job and you both need to sit down and discuss your outgoings and make some cutbacks.

[quote Wazza89]@LucentBlade he has a 360 followers on twitch and over a thousand on Instagram. He’s very confident on social media but it’s such a saturated market it’s hard to earn an income from it![/quote]
Sorry but that’s naff all. How much money is he making at the moment? If it’s £0 then I think he’s deceiving himself.

If he’s making money at it (say more than £200 per month) tell him he can go full time with it once he’s making 80% of his current salary and has a solid business plan in place.

I earn my living mostly through advertising on social media. It’s hard. Much easier earning money in an office job. But I love what I do.

@LadyCampanulaTottington

I used to make 1500 to 2000 per month from YouTube before 2020. Now I make 200 to 500 because Google is squeezing the little guy. The algorithm is all over the place and every time I post a video my subscriber count drops by 200 people. Every time.

Yet me views and watchtime are the same. I have a 6 figure following so I cannot imagine how bad it would be to try to start from the beginning with the current set up. You need 4000 hours before you can add an adsense account to your channel. That is a lot!

You're losing followers when you post videos? Is that a market saturation thing?

OP - you need to work. Your DH is working and thinking of side hustle stuff - okay not realistic, but he works full time. And I cannot believe a £3 lunch annoys you so much...and I'm known for being tighter than a gnat's arse.

Ok here's what I would do.

I'd plan to leave when your child turns 3.

You'll get your 30 hours free childcare then and can get some work.

Let's be honest- he is a lazy dreamer- the worst combo and he isn't going to change.

Living in a 3 bed house and having 2 cars is a luxury. It's something to work towards, it's not a necessity.

I'd spend the time between now and the third birthday getting qualified in something.

You're currently doing low skilled jobs, and there is nothing wrong with that to put food on the table in the short teem, but think about it - What do you want to do as a career for the remainder of you life? Get started in a course in Jan- college likely to be free because you're a low earner. Get cracking on something you love.

@Kanaloa

And perhaps it isn’t feasible for op to be a SAHM but if they can’t afford childcare then she’s not going to be in a better position by working a minimum wage job to pay childcare that eats up her entire wage. It won’t improve the situation at the moment, not until her child qualifies for some free nursery hours.

But she can work a couple of evenings whileDH is home.

@DaisyNGO

Yes I’m not denying that. My response was to a pp who had disagreed with my comment that it’s not that easy to just get a job/retrain when you don’t have childcare.

OP already does cleaning and has a zero hour contract job so it’s not like she’s idle and just can’t be bothered. She is providing childcare and is limited to what she can really do outside of evening work. The thing that was bothering me was flippant comments of ‘just retrain’ as if it’s that easy to say ‘right, think I’ll be an accountant’ when you’ve no qualifications, experience or childcare.

Beseen22 - all good advice, except the DH is not planning to do any of it and is living in lala land with his business ventures and influencer dreams.

He needs to give up the meal deals and spare car at the very least!

Only after then I would say you should even consider taking on an evening job. Otherwise you are funding his excessive unessersary life style choices unfortunately

Only once your in a stable financial situation and he has cut back on excess spending, he can put time and his own spare money Into the content creation, as though it's a hobby. And you put the same I to your hobby of choice

[quote Wazza89]@Jibberjabberhutt yes he is image conscious. He wouldn’t drive an old car or live somewhere “rough”. It’s not a bad thing to want more from life but it’s all very well having those things on the surface but not being able to afford fuel for the month.[/quote]
I have zero sympathy for people like that who want to live beyond their means and I'm sorry that you're being dragged down by one.

You sound like you have a realistic head on. I don't know what the solution is other than a new DH tbh.

He needs a major attitude adjustment or you are going to spend the rest of your life together trying to find solutions to his frivolous spending. It's no way to live.

[quote Kanaloa]@DaisyNGO

Yes I’m not denying that. My response was to a pp who had disagreed with my comment that it’s not that easy to just get a job/retrain when you don’t have childcare.

OP already does cleaning and has a zero hour contract job so it’s not like she’s idle and just can’t be bothered. She is providing childcare and is limited to what she can really do outside of evening work. The thing that was bothering me was flippant comments of ‘just retrain’ as if it’s that easy to say ‘right, think I’ll be an accountant’ when you’ve no qualifications, experience or childcare.[/quote]
It's not easy to retrain, no. But also it not easy doing a zero hours job with a waster bf who is pouring money they don't have down the drain.

I think posters are brainstorming about how OP can make more money and have stable hours, not a zero hours contract, in future. Which in turn would make it easier for her to have a life independent of her bf. And control of her own money and budget.

The main way to get a better job is to learn a skill that's needed on the open job market. (Or know someone of course!)

Studying/ retraining tends to cost money. Which this woman hasn’t got. The last thing she needs is more debt. She’s already using any spare time she has to bring in extra cash. She doesn’t have an employer to sponsor her or give her days off to go to college!
It’s all very well saying she can’t afford to be a sham but she can’t afford not to. Where does the money come from yo pay the childminder so that she can get the payoff in a couple of years time?

I would have zero respect for any man who had the best of everything for himself, while his kids had second hand shoes!

“I rolled my eyes when I read the bit about "when DS starts school and you can get a job". Guess where he's planning that extra income is going to go? On his Flash Harry lifestyle while you scrape around to buy your child second have school shoes Funny that his "nothing but the best" attitude only extends as far as himself isn't it?“

Exactly.

This is your future - him indulging himself in every aspect of his life whilst you and your get scraps and saddled with his debt. Get yourself skilled up so that you can have a career and financial freedom.

You need to get tougher with him. Stop borrowing from YOUR parents when he is irresponsible with money. Make him borrow from HIS parents. Let's see how long his mother is supportive if his dreams when she has to pay for them!
If he won't do this then you need to make plans to leave

There was an article out recently, following the huge Twitch hack, that showed that 1% of streamers earned 95% of the total earnings. I'm in that 1% (currently in the top 0.88% according to Twitch Tracker), it took me five years of earning next to nothing to even make partner and I still don't earn enough to sustain a family of four. It is well known amongst use streamers, that you never, ever, give up your day job until you are consistently earning more than you did working full time.

Your husband would do better streaming in his spare time, along side working, but only if he has your support. I would dream of running my stream instead of working if I didn't have my husband's full support behind me.