New man doesn’t message as much as I’d like

[HildegardeCrowe]

I’ve been seeing someone for a couple of months (I’ve known him as an acquaintance for quite some time) and we’re both in our fifties. He’s lovely, organises dates (we see each other 2-3 times a week), he’s very attentive and we get on like a house on fire. My only gripe is his communication style. I’d say I’m averagely into messaging and would expect a message from him in the morning just to say hello but he only messages intermittently. I did say in passing to him that I liked getting messages to see if he upped his game but it hasn’t changed anything. AIBU to expect more? He says he thinks about me a lot but it doesn’t seem that way. I wish it wasn’t bothering me but it is and I don’t think I can ignore it.

You're entitled to want what you want but goodness, you sound needy, or 12.

Dating must have been absolutely bliss before mobile phones.

You're not a tamagotchi. You dont need feeding first thing in the morning or checking in with during the day.

It really is ridiculous to need to be messaged a good morning or to check in every day.

If this is a delabreaker for you then he isnt right for you. Find someone else. But I personally think you'd be stupid to throw away a nice relationship in the early stages because he isnt treating you like a mobile pet who requires feeding every day.

You're not a tamagotchi. You dont need feeding first thing in the morning or checking in with during the day
Yes! This is amazing.

You sound quite needy. I personally wouldn't bother with someone who expected daily communication

I mean this with kindness but I think you should work on being more self reliant. If you rely on communication from anyone to feel good than you are not in control of your own happiness. A relationship should add value to your life on top of you already feeling generally satisfied.

@Itsalmostanaccessory

Dating must have been absolutely bliss before mobile phones.

You're not a tamagotchi. You dont need feeding first thing in the morning or checking in with during the day.

It really is ridiculous to need to be messaged a good morning or to check in every day.

If this is a delabreaker for you then he isnt right for you. Find someone else. But I personally think you'd be stupid to throw away a nice relationship in the early stages because he isnt treating you like a mobile pet who requires feeding every day.

Bluntly put, but I agree.

You see him up to three times a week. You both have your own lives, I imagine, and texting all the time can be draining to some.

It would drive me insane if people expected daily morning texts

He's showing you who he is and I don't think there's anything wrong with his communication style or yours. It just doesn’t work for you. It will work for someone else more compatible, communication-wise.

He may not be able to change (and why should he? Can you change to fit his less communicative style?), especially as a lot of people tend to get stuck in their ways the older they get.

If it's a deal breaker, then he's not the right one for you. If he's great in everything else, then take what you can and leave the rest. Enjoy what he does do. No one's perfect.

I would find it bizarre that someone expected daily messaging.

If it evolves naturally, great, but the expectation seems weird and very very needy.

I agree with you, OP.

You're not a tamagotchi 😂

If you are both in your 50s then he is probably maybe not that much into texting? If you have a nice time generally ,whats the deal?

I do acknowledge that I’m needy and as I haven’t had a relationship for almost 10 years, am hopelessly out of practice. I do accept that if it’s going great in every other way, I shouldn’t see this as a deal breaker. Maybe I’m taking a cue from 21 year old DD who expects more on the messaging front.

Having dated previously, I also liked being messaged in the morning- and it isn't uncommon in today's dating world!

With my now partner, I just said that I really appreciated a morning text. Told him that I looked forward to it, and that it would make me insanely happy if he would try and remember to message me (or respond to a message from me), first thing. Obviously some days it didn't happen- and such was life! But like you, I liked being thought of!

Absolutely don't give two shits if that makes me look needy, as actually, I am a person who does have needs. Luckily- he likes who I am (and my needs!), and was happy to accommodate! He liked it too!

Proof of pudding is that we're still together and living under the same roof!

Just be yourself. If it's important to you, ask him!

@Itsalmostanaccessory
"You're not a Tamagotchi!"

You legend! I love this.

And, OP, that's correct!

Can I suggest something OP that I know has worked for others and for myself. If you have issues around trust/ knowing what boundaries to set in a relationship - could you afford/ would you consider some counselling/ If you look on the BACP website you will find accreditted psychotherapists - I just say this because I know that being anxious or worrying in a relationship can be such a huge source of misery.

If you had a space regularly to talk about this - it might help work out where you are right to demand something and where you may be reflecting your own insecurities.

I am younger than you though not as young as your daughter - I am pretty much a constant messager! but I genuinely would not want or expect 'checking in ' messages - where is the fun/ what is the point?

I like to chat with messages if I have something to say - but I really don't see the need for messages for the sake of it.

My husband - who is a totally good/ committed man - would never ever do this in a million years. he would loathe that expectation and rarely replies to me unless really necessary! He just finds it a bit tedious and would rather be talking in real life or focused on what he is doing elsewhere.

I think you need to stop imposing this unrealistic exxpectation and enjoy the break you get from each other and the fact he is not needy or clingy himself.

@Itsalmostanaccessory

Dating must have been absolutely bliss before mobile phones.

You're not a tamagotchi. You dont need feeding first thing in the morning or checking in with during the day.

It really is ridiculous to need to be messaged a good morning or to check in every day.

If this is a delabreaker for you then he isnt right for you. Find someone else. But I personally think you'd be stupid to throw away a nice relationship in the early stages because he isnt treating you like a mobile pet who requires feeding every day.

Lol, perfect.

How did humans become so needy?

If it bothers you, it bothers you. Only you can decide though if this outweighs all the good things about the relationship. My concern is that you may struggle to find the level of communication that you want in a partner elsewhere though so you may be giving up something good if you decide it's a deal breaker.

Yes, you can ask him - but if it wouldbe forced or stilted and he had to try to remember what's the point? you want real life action and validation - ie. you want him to be a good partner when you are together - I would save your demands for things that really matter if messaging isn't so important to him.

Well your daughter is of a different generation. I imagine if they guy she was dating was in his 50s too the communication wouldn’t be the same as if the guy was in his 20s.

It’s ok to want communication everyday, but not to the detriment of a relationship ending because of it I don’t think, but you may think differently. I wouldn’t be referencing to a relationship of 20 something year olds though, of course it will be different

You're not a tamagotchi. You dont need feeding first thing in the morning or checking in with during the day.
Brilliant.

There's nothing wrong about wanting a morning message and checking in texts, but there's also nothing wrong in him not doing it.

I often find myself a bit hmm when I read about relationships where the needier partner of the 2 seems to think the other should up their game, take the hints, make more contact in order to meet the needy person's needs as to me is highlights a total disregard for the other person's preferred communication style.

There's nothing wrong in 2 people being incompatible.

Unless you think the lack of communication is because he is married or already in a relationship, then that’s different

When we are away from each other we text in the morning and chat in the evening. Maybe intermittently throughout the day, but it was always so. If he had set the tone straightaway that he didn't communicate this way then I would be fine with that.

I agree that maybe you are using the guide drawn up by a 21 year old. These young people seem to be in a constant state of messaging frenzy. My kids message me from their rooms...

If I was dating someone who had made it clear they expected a morning text, it would become a "task" rather than something I did spontaneously when the mood took me. Passion killer!

would expect a message from him in the morning just to say hello

I would actually find it a bit off-putting and almost controlling if a boyfriend did that, but then I am, as my username suggests, aware that I don't always want what other people want. If I wasn't already long-term married, I'd quite like a relationship where we weren't in each other's pockets.