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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New man doesn’t message as much as I’d like

148 replies

HildegardeCrowe · 23/11/2021 10:46

I’ve been seeing someone for a couple of months (I’ve known him as an acquaintance for quite some time) and we’re both in our fifties. He’s lovely, organises dates (we see each other 2-3 times a week), he’s very attentive and we get on like a house on fire. My only gripe is his communication style. I’d say I’m averagely into messaging and would expect a message from him in the morning just to say hello but he only messages intermittently. I did say in passing to him that I liked getting messages to see if he upped his game but it hasn’t changed anything. AIBU to expect more? He says he thinks about me a lot but it doesn’t seem that way. I wish it wasn’t bothering me but it is and I don’t think I can ignore it.

OP posts:

viques · 23/11/2021 11:34

Is there a reason why you don’t message him to say hello in the morning OP? Or is it menz responsibility to message. Do you also expect him to pay for meals out, open car doors for you and walk on the outside of the pavement in case a hackney carriage splashes water on your bustled skirts?

FlorenceWintle · 23/11/2021 11:35

There's nothing wrong about wanting a morning message and checking in texts, but there's also nothing wrong in him not doing it.

This. There’s no right or wrong, it’s just whether two people are compatible in their expectations. And if you’re not, can you live with it.

There will always be some areas of incompatibility in a relationship, it’s just a question of what they are and how big.

MichelleScarn · 23/11/2021 11:36

@authenticforgery

You're not a tamagotchi. You dont need feeding first thing in the morning or checking in with during the day Yes! This is amazing.

I love this

Musttryharder2021 · 23/11/2021 11:36

@3scape

You sound quite needy. I personally wouldn't bother with someone who expected daily communication

Isn't daily communication what (married) couples do and nobody would object to it in a marriage, but when people are dating it's seen as needy?

esloquehay · 23/11/2021 11:39

I like morning messages/daily texts, too. BUT, I'm hopelessly needy and codependent, so keep myself single so as not to inflict myself upon some poor, unsuspecting male.
Seriously, OP; you see him 2-3 times a week; he's clearly into you, just not messaging incessantly.

PicaK · 23/11/2021 11:41

Dated a bloke who did the morning text thing. Thought it was lovely. Til I realised he'd batch send it to many women while he put the kettle on and sit with his cuppa enjoying all the responses.
I view them very suspiciously now

Itsalmostanaccessory · 23/11/2021 11:42

@Musttryharder2021

Well, when you live with someone and wake up beside one another, it would be pretty odd not to say good morning. But they dont live together. The dont wake up beside one another. They are not married. They arent even long term relationship yet.

They've been dating for a couple of months. Messaging every morning (and it isnt 2 way. The OP wants him to message her every morning) when you've only been dating a couple of months and see each other a few times a week is a lot to expect.

At 2 months, you haven't had enough time to decide if you want to be all in. You also dont want to lose yourself quickly and become dependant on one another. It's only 2 months! The expectation of a message first thing every morning is just way way too much.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 23/11/2021 11:42

There was a thread recently, OP, in which a woman was concerned that a guy she was newly-dating was messaging her on and off all day.

You might want to find that thread and ask her whether he’s back on the market.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 23/11/2021 11:45

@PicaK

How did you find out? This could be the basis of an Oscar-winning romcom…

Original poster

HildegardeCrowe · 23/11/2021 11:48

Ha ha @esloquehay, that’s why I think I prefer to be single! I know I turn from a strong independent woman into a mess when I’m in a relationship and I wasn’t looking for anything and he’s somehow appeared in my life. I don’t want to ruin it but I find it hard to know what my expectations/boundaries should be.

OP posts:

Peach01 · 23/11/2021 11:50

Intermittent messaging and meeting up 2-3x a week is good I would say.

You're not needy because you would like a message in the morning. It's a preference of yours, not a big ask and it's fine. It might not be his way of doing things and that's fine too. If everything else is good then continue to see him.
I don't think me and DP ever did good morning messages but there was at least a message sent at some point through the day. There were others before him and I couldn't care less whether I heard from them or not, wasn't interested. I find it a bit miserable when people allegedly like one another but can't be arsed to communicate between dates.

paisley256 · 23/11/2021 12:02

I personally hate it, but maybe it's because for me it was followed by.....are you busy? What you doing? No time for me today? type of interrogation. I just found it all suffocating.

I appreciate this isn't your situation though and you just like being thought of.

alborana · 23/11/2021 12:04

The Tamagotchi comment is one of the best things I've ever read on Mumsnet!

esloquehay · 23/11/2021 12:10

@HildegardeCrowe, it's both scary and exciting, the early days of any relationship (well, it is for me, as I'm emotionally intense). There are no 'shoulds' per se (boiling domesticated pets and stalking IS a no no!), but you're still finding out what works for you with this guy. I hear you saying you'd like daily texts, but that doesn't seem to be his style. So, you're getting to know what works for him, too.
There is no straightforward answer to this, but if you've got good female friends in your life, check in with them when these thoughts come. I've found, as I've got older, my women friends are brilliant for helping me 'sense check' issues/concerns, as I am often irrational in matters of the heart! 💚

EmeraldShamrock · 23/11/2021 12:13

Don't force him into something he isn't interested in.
If he is attentive and caring let him continue as he is.

Naimee87 · 23/11/2021 12:14

@sunlovingcriminal i love this! Similar situation to me although we're Long Distance and not as 'commited' as you are! Which makes communication a little more important. I like the 'daily check-in' texts but i know a lot of people don't. But you have to be yourself and if this is something that is @HildegardeCrowe
important to you then have an open and honest conversation about it. It isn't unreasonable to ask and actually it should be fairly natural in the early stages not only to find time but to create time to message those people you care about even if you've had a tough/busy day! Those texts should be a welcome 'distraction' that put a smile on your face and theirs too.

Shannith · 23/11/2021 12:14

Well there you go. You are not a 21 year old. Stop acting like one.

Can you objectively see that modelling your expectations on that is lunacy. Do you dress like her? Have the same type of relationship with her friends that she does?

I doubt it because you are a grown woman.

Enjoy what sounds like a nice relationship and literally stop angsting over this. It's a non issue and In fact it's extremely heathy to not be in each other's pockets/phones al the time.

TheSpottedZebra · 23/11/2021 12:23

Could you message him, or is that crazily modern?

SparklyGlasses · 23/11/2021 12:36

If this is the only issue, I'd really try and overcome it and not expect daytime texts. My DP and I met in our late 30s and we just messaged a longer message then another couple of messages back and forth and a goodnight text on the evenings we didn't see each other (or less if one of us was out somewhere). Very rarely messaged in the day unless there was something specific to mention. I think it makes it nicer to look forward to seeing each other and have more to talk about rather than knowing all the details. It takes a while to get used to though I found if you're used to more contact in your last relationship (no matter how long ago that was). I think you have to find the "normal" for the relationship and as long as you are getting enough out of it overall then be OK with that. A couple of months in is early days and normal to be feeling a bit rollercoaster and needy about it all! Just try and act non needy with him .

scarpa · 23/11/2021 12:41

I disagree with most of the responses here: I think daily contact of some kind is standard, and I've never had a relationship (or even dated someone) where we didn't have at least the odd text each day in the 16 years or so since I started dating. My friends would all say the same - I've known a friend stop dating someone because he was happy to see her a couple of times a week and barely spoke in the meantime, where the general consensus was that he wasn't that into her. And, lo and behold, when she called things off, he said he was relieved he didn't need to.

I'm not saying he's wrong for not feeling the same. The comparisons to pre-mobile phone dating are, I think, pointless - we didn't used to have Tinder or live together before marriage either, the cultural standard for relationships changes as the world changes. But some people - and as he's a little older and not a digital native, I imagine this is why - aren't interested in changing how they operate in a dating scenario. That's fair enough, and entirely up to him - my mum, who's in her fifties, is not a texter, and she'd probably be more inclined to agree with him. So OP, I think it's likely this is just how he is - rather than that he's not into you - and decide whether you're okay with it or not.

But I think the comments suggesting OP is overly needy for assuming daily contact would be standard in a new relationship are a bit mean, and not really reflective of the dating scene generally these days.

BigButtons · 23/11/2021 12:46

@scarpa I agree with you.

ChargingBuck · 23/11/2021 12:47

I wish it wasn’t bothering me but it is and I don’t think I can ignore it.

Why can't you ignore it?
You see this man 3 times a week, he's attentive, you get on well ... what more do you want?

I would feel suffocated by a requirement to text every morning.
especially by someone I'd only known for 2 months.
You obviously wouldn't, & want more - but what about what your man wants, & feels comfortable with?

AgedVellum · 23/11/2021 12:47

Isn't daily communication what (married) couples do and nobody would object to it in a marriage, but when people are dating it's seen as needy?

But they're married, presumably living under one roof, and face to face with one another on a daily basis, so they can talk -- I'd find it fairly irritating if my DH randomly messaged me to ask how I was throughout the day. Messages are for utilitarian stuff for me.

Guavaf1sh · 23/11/2021 12:47

Love the tamagochi line!

LolaSmiles · 23/11/2021 12:56

I don’t want to ruin it but I find it hard to know what my expectations/boundaries should be
There's no 'should' when it comes to expectations and boundaries other than not being controlling or abusive.

If you're someone who needs regular checking in and finds a daily morning message is something that matters to you then there's no point trying to change that. It's clearly something that meets one of your needs from a relationship.

If you try and force yourself to have different expectations then you're going to end up in an unfulfilling relationship where you're desperate for more validation and checking in, but pretending to play it cool. A relationship that doesn't meet your emotional needs isn't a good relationship and risks being unhappy or breeding resentment.

What you need is to find a man who also enjoys regular check ins and also likes it when the person he's dating is in contact regularly.

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