Page 6 | New man doesn’t message as much as I’d like

LittleDandelionClock · 23/11/2021 18:37

@HildegardeCrowe

In your last thread that was quoted 15 minutes ago by someone, you said you had dumped this man (who doesn't message you as much as you would like.)

So what's going on? Is this another man? Or are you still with the same flaky/no contact man ? It's all very confusing...

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 23/11/2021 19:21

I’d say I’m averagely into messaging and would expect a message from him in the morning just to say hello

Is that really average?! Sounds way extreme to me.

ChargingBuck · 23/11/2021 19:22

@HildegardeCrowe

But that’s exactly it *@MidnightMeltdown*. I want him to do it because he wants to, not because I expect it of him. And I don’t want constant texts either, I agree that is a turn off. I really do think we have different communication styles and maybe I should raise this with him so it doesn’t spoil things.

Jeeze, this is exhausting. You have been seeing this guy for just a couple of months. What's with all the angst?

Why don't you chill your boots, & wait & see how it pans out?

If some guy I'd been on a few dates with wanted to "raise" the subject of how many texts were acceptable & started harping on about how many were a turn-off but then again, how too few would make him reconsider things ... I'd be off.
Too much hard work, & not enough spontaneity, fun, & allowing the other person to express themselves as they see fit.

LittleDandelionClock · 23/11/2021 19:38

Not going to answer then @HildegardeCrowe ? To the question from me (and others) regarding your last (very recent) thread???

Why not?

Stravaig · 23/11/2021 20:56

@Itsalmostanaccessory Dating must have been absolutely bliss before mobile phones.

This! Flashback to how my community lived in the early oughties. A few people had personal landlines at home, mobiles were rare, and lots of communication happened via payphones in community spaces and notes left on a message board. Arrangements were always for a few days in advance, to allow time for communication both ways, and then stuck to.

Remembering some gorgeous moments in my romance ... like coming home to find a gift on the stoop, and an unsigned ink doodle. A mystery and a few weeks more until I was sure it was the penmanship of my new love. Or, venturing to a community space, putting my head shyly round the door, and seeing him feel my presence, turn and smile. Or, the time I came out to my bicycle and found wild roses twined round the handlebars and a note with an invitation wedged into the bell. All this charmingly old-fashioned even then ... love, slow, resilient, true.

OP, surely it's better to get to know who this person is in himself - and if you like how you fit together naturally? Explore your insecurities in therapy rather than expecting him to alleviate your anxieties for you. Not his job.

Besides, what if he does message you every morning from now on? You'll never truly trust it as a genuine expression of his feelings, because you've hinted/asked/demanded that he do it. You'll never know now if it's a spontaneous or a trained response.

scarpa · 23/11/2021 22:04

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee

I’d say I’m averagely into messaging and would expect a message from him in the morning just to say hello

Is that really average?! Sounds way extreme to me.

Average as far as people I know go! I actually mentioned this thread today at work and everyone in the office (10 people, men and women, aged 21 - 42) said it was normal to speak every day. Some said a few texts would be normal, one of which would probably be in the morning before work, one of the younger ones said he messages his friends all day on WhatsApp and why would a woman he liked be any different. So pretty standard as far as I know.

scarpa · 23/11/2021 22:06

@HaggisBurger

It’s an interesting one *@HildegardeCrowe* and not quite as clear cut as being a Tamagochi (though that did amuse me too).

I’m a few months into a relationship with a man a bit younger than yours (we are both mid-late 40s) who overall is just not as into messaging as I am. If I was ever to audit our WhatsApp I’m sure I account for 75% of the content and “initiate” way more chats than he does.

It concerned me a little to begin with - as in, is he not thinking about me, into me etc. BUT - he is just not a phone person. As in when we are together he doesn’t lift his phone and scroll by default the way so many people do (myself included). And I really like that about him.

I’ve not heard from him today - and that’s ok. We spent 3 days away together at the weekend and then he dropped everything to come with me to something at short notice last night when someone else dropped out. He SHOWS me he cares about me, rather than sending formulaic good morning messages.

So whilst people are saying you can’t change your preferences or whatever, I think you can. I have. I have reframed the importance of messaging as something that can be easily and emptily done, esp by a phone addict. I look at the other things he does / says when we are together. Don’t let a good man get away because of this

I certainly wouldn’t be asking for extra messaging - but you can positively reinforce I guess when he does message. But in a non-overwhelming way. I also think how unattractive to have a guy so lacking in confidence / busyness that they were texting me every minute of the day.

This is thoughtfully put!

urbanbuddha · 24/11/2021 01:54

He is who he is - a man who doesn't message every day. Either you like him or you don't.

TheGirlCat · 24/11/2021 05:26

You've only been seeing him for a couple of months, so you're basically only dating, not even in a relationship. And you already expect a text every single day? You sound very exhausting and very smothering. I might expect a text every day if I was actually in a relationship with someone or married, but if you're already smothering him like this at only 2 months in, I would suggest you leave him before him leaves you because if there is one thing men hate it is needy, clingy women especially only 2 months in. Most men would run for the hills! Let him go so he can find someone less smothering and demanding.

Electriq · 24/11/2021 06:18

I sort of get where your coming from OP, but I also think it is unnecessary, wanting communication is ok, but expecting a morning text every day is a bit much, I have daily mornings in my family group, I get the odd message from my husband when hes working, the novelty would wear of very quickly, and I honestly think you would be silly to end a good relationship over this, but thats just my opinion.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 24/11/2021 06:39

@HildegardeCrowe

Thank you *@thepeopleversuswork*, very sound advice. I wouldn’t mind that much if I couldn’t see that he’s constantly on WhatsApp so it’s not correct to say he’s not into messaging! I’ll see how I feel next time I see him but I do absolutely know that I’d like someone who is clearly comfortable with messaging (and who I’ve told how much I like getting messages) is able to want to please me. He’s told me how special I am so don’t really think I’m asking that much.

So presumably you message him every morning with a good morning text to please him - does he not reply? Because that is rude of him and would piss me off a bit.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 24/11/2021 08:06

He’s told me how special I am so don’t really think I’m asking that much.

You’re sort of assuming that in his way of being - and presumably yours - the amount you text someone is proportional to how special you consider them.

Not necessarily so. I text and Whatsapp quite a bit - to groups of friends, people I don’t often see in person, colleagues. I less frequently text people close to me because…well.. they’re close to me.

“See you Friday. Fancy Indian?”

That’s about it.

BigHeartyTruffle · 24/11/2021 08:14

Wow OP you are really being flamed for what I think is a super reasonable request! People suggesting you need psychotherapy for wanting a good morning text is very strange in my view. I don’t think it’s needy at all, it’s one good morning text for gods sake, it’s not like you’re asking him to be chained to his phone!
I’d hate to hear what PPs would think of my communication style…

If my partner asked me to do something that would take two minutes and would put a smile on his face, I wouldn’t hesitate.

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 24/11/2021 08:19

Personally, I always found the obsessive morning messages to be q huge red flag when I was dating. I would feel instantly suffocated.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 24/11/2021 08:27

Average as far as people I know go! I actually mentioned this thread today at work and everyone in the office (10 people, men and women, aged 21 - 42) said it was normal to speak every day. Some said a few texts would be normal, one of which would probably be in the morning before work, one of the younger ones said he messages his friends all day on WhatsApp and why would a woman he liked be any different. So pretty standard as far as I know.

I am older, which may be relevant. I didn't have a mobile until I was 27 and even then it was so expensive you hardly ever used it. I would also feel suffocated by this and would probably end the relationship as it would feel co-dependent and like you're constantly having to prove something.

But I guess if this is a deal breaker for the OP, she needs to find someone who shares the same ideals re: texting. I don't think there is anything wrong with the OH for not wanting to have to do this though. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with her. Asking him to do it is just jumping through a hoop to prove that. It is a big deal to ask someone who does not relate to their phone like that so to remember multiple times a day to do that. It's not like asking him to remember a birthday once a year. The real issue though is lack of trust (not that he's with others, more that he doesn't much care)

Lalliella · 24/11/2021 08:29

At the risk of sounding sexist, I have a very close male friend and our texting relationship isn’t the same as with my female friends. He uses it as a purely functional and practical thing, the women are much more chatty. And he sometimes takes ages to reply, when the women don’t. He’s just not that into texting.

If all else is good, don’t throw away the relationship for this OP.

TheGirlCat · 24/11/2021 08:31

@OmgIThinkILikeYou

Personally, I always found the obsessive morning messages to be q huge red flag when I was dating. I would feel instantly suffocated.

Yes, it's very controlling. If it were a man demanding OP text him every morning we'd rightfully telling her it's a red flag.

ElectraBlue · 24/11/2021 09:10

Are you 13 or 14? because as a grown woman I really don't need someone to text me all the time. It just becomes tedious to exchange pointless messages and it is hard to keep these type of constant conversations going beyond the banal. I don't think he is the issue here. You need to ask yourself why you need this constant reassurance. Instead of judging the guy on his texting, judge him on the fact that you both have a great time when you are together.

The guy I have been dating loves to chat throughout the day but it is not my style so we meet somewhere in the middle. We exchange a few messages and keep it fun but no one has a fit if the conversations are not very long or if they don't happen every day....

AgedVellum · 24/11/2021 10:17

@Lalliella

At the risk of sounding sexist, I have a very close male friend and our texting relationship isn’t the same as with my female friends. He uses it as a purely functional and practical thing, the women are much more chatty. And he sometimes takes ages to reply, when the women don’t. He’s just not that into texting.

If all else is good, don’t throw away the relationship for this OP.

All my male friends message far more often than I do, at more length and more entertainingly. I can easily take days to reply.

LittleDandelionClock · 24/11/2021 10:46

@ElectraBlue

Are you 13 or 14? because as a grown woman I really don't need someone to text me all the time. It just becomes tedious to exchange pointless messages and it is hard to keep these type of constant conversations going beyond the banal. I don't think he is the issue here. You need to ask yourself why you need this constant reassurance. Instead of judging the guy on his texting, judge him on the fact that you both have a great time when you are together.

The guy I have been dating loves to chat throughout the day but it is not my style so we meet somewhere in the middle. We exchange a few messages and keep it fun but no one has a fit if the conversations are not very long or if they don't happen every day....

This ^ It's bizarre how people want/need to communicate all the time like this, like every day. It baffles me when someone says they call their mum every day. I mean, WTF?

It must start to feel like a chore after a while.

Me, and my DD (who left home some 8 years ago,) speak on the phone or meet in real life once a week (she lives 20 miles away,) but we do communicate on twitter and whatsapp a couple of times in the week in between. If we were to feel like we HAD to speak on the phone every day, I think it would lose its spark, and would possibly start to feel like a chore.

Before I met my DH, I had several very needy, VERY clingy boyfriends, and the whiny, clingy neediness, put me right off them. It was before texting/mobile phones/emailing/the internet, but they used to ring me every day, and come to my house uninvited and unexpected. And they'd wait for me outside my works at lunchtime, (again uninvited and unexpected,) and trail around the town centre with me, like a fucking shadow... So off putting...

I started to tell my mum to say I wasn't in when they phoned or called around, and then I stopped going into the town centre for lunch. Took me a number of months to shake them off because I didn't have the heart to say FUCK OFF!

LittleDandelionClock · 24/11/2021 10:47

Average as far as people I know go! I actually mentioned this thread today at work and everyone in the office (10 people, men and women, aged 21 - 42) said it was normal to speak every day. Some said a few texts would be normal, one of which would probably be in the morning before work, one of the younger ones said he messages his friends all day on WhatsApp and why would a woman he liked be any different. So pretty standard as far as I know.

Whilst I agree it's fairly normal for people to speak every day/most days when in the throes of serious relationship, it is not normal to 'speak every day' for someone who has been dating someone for 8 weeks! In fact, some people find it suffocating. Including the OP's new 'boyfriend.' It's not a relationship, they are just dating. I have had food in my fridge longer than they have been dating!

I don't think the OP is coming back to this thread though - OR answering the question as to why she posted this exact same thread just over a week ago (that ended with her saying she is finishing with this man.)

Never mind, people can always post/ask more questions on the third thread she starts about it next week...

TheGirlCat · 24/11/2021 10:50

I have had food in my fridge longer than they have been dating!

Lol! Me too, come to think of it.

LittleDandelionClock · 24/11/2021 10:51

@TheGirlCat

I have had food in my fridge longer than they have been dating!

Lol! Me too, come to think of it.