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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

New man doesn’t message as much as I’d like

148 replies

HildegardeCrowe · 23/11/2021 10:46

I’ve been seeing someone for a couple of months (I’ve known him as an acquaintance for quite some time) and we’re both in our fifties. He’s lovely, organises dates (we see each other 2-3 times a week), he’s very attentive and we get on like a house on fire. My only gripe is his communication style. I’d say I’m averagely into messaging and would expect a message from him in the morning just to say hello but he only messages intermittently. I did say in passing to him that I liked getting messages to see if he upped his game but it hasn’t changed anything. AIBU to expect more? He says he thinks about me a lot but it doesn’t seem that way. I wish it wasn’t bothering me but it is and I don’t think I can ignore it.

OP posts:
furbabymama87 · 23/11/2021 15:07

I don't think you're needy. The early days of texting are about getting to know each other and if one doesn't communicate as much then it can create a barrier. I get that some people aren't into texting and calling loads but I think if they were really into you they would make the effort.

CaptaNoctem · 23/11/2021 15:08

@HildegardeCrowe

You see I think daily contact is fairly standard too *@scarpa and I’m interested that you can see where I’m coming from @LolaSmiles*. I know it’s up to me to decide if I can accommodate his lack of contact but really I don’t know if I want to.
In that case you really aren't that in to him and should end things.

Let him find someone who is happy with a more normal level of contact.

Cocomarine · 23/11/2021 15:09

I’m crying at “not a Tamagotchi” 😭

It is soooo true!

My husband messages me every fucking day, at some point. A “good morning” if I wasn’t awake when he left, a “how’s hour day?” if I was, and sometimes just a random heart. I’m not keen on it Blush But in the early days I thought it was lovely… so I’m a bit stuck cos not replying - or telling him to stop - would be hurtful. Think twice OP, about whether you really want that! 🤣

DaisyNGO · 23/11/2021 15:15

@furbabymama87

I don't think you're needy. The early days of texting are about getting to know each other and if one doesn't communicate as much then it can create a barrier. I get that some people aren't into texting and calling loads but I think if they were really into you they would make the effort.
But they see each other two or three times a week, it's not a low communication scenario.
LolaSmiles · 23/11/2021 15:31

Elphame
Same here. I would struggle with regular texting I the early days of dating.

I think the main thing is that people need to find someone who has a similar communication style and communication preferences to them.

Playing it cool and accepting less when you need more contact, or ramping up contact because you think that's what your new date wants isn't going to work in the long run because as a relationship develops, people revert to their default settings.

Neither OP or her DP are wrong, they just have different communication styles

Fernando072020 · 23/11/2021 15:44

I can't stand this incessant need for messages all the time. It's awful and if people spent less time on their phones, the world would be a better place.

AgedVellum · 23/11/2021 15:49

I always wanted a tamagotchi back in the days when they were cool, and this thread is reminding me I never hit one. OR a Sodastream. OR a Girl’s World..

My childhood was a desert. 🥲

DaisyNGO · 23/11/2021 16:52

@AgedVellum

I always wanted a tamagotchi back in the days when they were cool, and this thread is reminding me I never hit one. OR a Sodastream. OR a Girl’s World..

My childhood was a desert. 🥲

If it makes you feel better, Sodastream didn't impress me!
icedcoffees · 23/11/2021 17:04

I used to expect messages everyday and I actually found that, long-term, it harmed our relationship.

We ended up having nothing to talk about when we saw each other, as we'd already discussed everything via text. It also ruined the excitement of seeing each other as we'd been talking constantly while we'd been apart anyway.

I think comparing dating couples to married couples is like comparing apples and oranges. When you're living with someone, it would be unnatural to ignore them all day, but you also don't talk constantly either.

I haven't spoken to DH at all today and it's 5pm. I was asleep when he left for work and he's not home yet. We'll talk over dinner but I have some work to do tonight so we'll spend some more time apart then too.

That said, I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting a morning text, but if you're not both on board with the idea, it will create resentment longterm.

thepeopleversuswork · 23/11/2021 17:44

I think the issue comes down to mismatched communication styles. I have friends who are constantly on their phones and others who go weeks without glancing at them. From what you've said here, there's nothing wrong with this guy's conduct and the signals he's sending you suggest he's keen and committed.

For whatever reason, messaging is a big thing for you and you expect that as some sort of baseline of commitment, just as someone might expect a kiss hello or a bunch of flowers to be sent once in a while.

You're not wrong exactly to want this. Your expectations are what they are. And its certainly good to be aware of what feels wrong to you -- that's a sign of good boundaries.

But I think you do need to ask yourself if you are being too fixed in your expectations over something which is frankly rather trivial and whether you are setting a bar for him that is unrealistic or just irrelevant.

He clearly isn't a messaging person. You're within your rights to expect him to be kind, considerate, attentive, truthful and affectionate and to prioritise you but I don't think you can really expect him to totally reevaluate habits and lifestyle points that have nothing to do with you.

You clearly have to decide if whatsapp and text messages are a hill you want your relationship to die on. Personally I wouldn't leave an otherwise strong and happy relationship over this I think its a side issue and you would be much better off reframing this so you accept that its something he won't do. In the long run you will come to realise that text messages and WhatsApp can actually be fairly superficial markers of someone's affection for someone else.

But if it really is that big a deal you may have to move on.

HildegardeCrowe · 23/11/2021 17:51

Thank you @thepeopleversuswork, very sound advice. I wouldn’t mind that much if I couldn’t see that he’s constantly on WhatsApp so it’s not correct to say he’s not into messaging! I’ll see how I feel next time I see him but I do absolutely know that I’d like someone who is clearly comfortable with messaging (and who I’ve told how much I like getting messages) is able to want to please me. He’s told me how special I am so don’t really think I’m asking that much.

OP posts:
EdinburghFreddy · 23/11/2021 18:06

Apologies if already mentioned, I read quickly through the middle of the thread. There's lots of helpful stuff about communication styles, did anyone mention attachment styles? OP & anyone else who finds might relationships/dating an anxious highly-wired time (or not, even) I highly recommend the book 'Attached' by Levine & Heller. Changed my life.

EdinburghFreddy · 23/11/2021 18:07

Might find...

MidnightMeltdown · 23/11/2021 18:15

I have to say I don't get this at all - I absolutely hate it when someone texts me constantly. It's a huge turn off.

Tbh I don't really understand why you want it. Do you really want him to feel obligated, like it's some kind of daily chore that he has to remember?

Relationships are supposed to be fun, not a prison. If he's going to text, it has to be because he wants to.

Herecomesthesun70 · 23/11/2021 18:22

This is your second thread on this issue.
If it's that annoying I'd speak to him about it. It's clearly bothering you so tell him

New man not reading messages http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4402053-New-man-not-reading-messages

LittleDandelionClock · 23/11/2021 18:22

@HildegardeCrowe YABVU. I agree with a few others on here, that I was shocked to see you are in your 50s, I would have guessed late teens. Very needy and clingy behaviour. Would make most men run a mile.

AgedVellum · 23/11/2021 18:23

I keep misreading the title as ‘New man doesn’t massage as much as I’d like’ and imagining the OP waggling her eyebrows at him while waving a bottle of oil suggestively.

LittleDandelionClock · 23/11/2021 18:23

@Herecomesthesun70

This is your second thread on this issue. If it's that annoying I'd speak to him about it. It's clearly bothering you so tell him

New man not reading messages [[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am]]iibeingunreasonable/4402053-New-man-not-reading-messages

Well spotted ...

Why another thread so soon @HildegardeCrowe ?

HildegardeCrowe · 23/11/2021 18:24

But that’s exactly it @MidnightMeltdown. I want him to do it because he wants to, not because I expect it of him. And I don’t want constant texts either, I agree that is a turn off. I really do think we have different communication styles and maybe I should raise this with him so it doesn’t spoil things.

OP posts:
LittleDandelionClock · 23/11/2021 18:25

@AgedVellum

I keep misreading the title as ‘New man doesn’t massage as much as I’d like’ and imagining the OP waggling her eyebrows at him while waving a bottle of oil suggestively.
Grin
thewhatsit · 23/11/2021 18:25

Yes of course it’s normal for couples in their twenties, who have grown up with mobiles and social media and have a completely different relationship with technology, to text more frequently.

For a man in his 50s who was presumably well into his 30s before everyone even had a phone it’s surely very normal for him not to want to text so often? Why does he need to act like someone on his twenties?

thepeopleversuswork · 23/11/2021 18:26

@HildegardeCrowe

Thank you *@thepeopleversuswork*, very sound advice. I wouldn’t mind that much if I couldn’t see that he’s constantly on WhatsApp so it’s not correct to say he’s not into messaging! I’ll see how I feel next time I see him but I do absolutely know that I’d like someone who is clearly comfortable with messaging (and who I’ve told how much I like getting messages) is able to want to please me. He’s told me how special I am so don’t really think I’m asking that much.
You want what you want and I can't change this... but I can't help wondering why you feel so strongly that you want someone who prioritizes messaging over other things?

It seems a very marginal part of the relationship to be so hardline about. Frankly a lot of people feel their relationships would be vastly improved by having less messaging, not more. I wouldn't go that far but I do think the emphasis on it is slightly unhealthy.

I just wonder if its worth unpicking why its so important to you. It sounds honestly like a bit of a hallmark of SM/phone addiction.

I'm not going to claim I'm immune to this as I'm not and I love a good WhatsApp chat but its a distraction from real life and it should never be the core of your relationship. I think if its really that central to your sense of wellbeing in your relationship its worth asking yourself some tough questions.

It sounds like there's nothing wrong with the relationship or with him but you are choosing to prioritise something as irrelevant and trivial as this which sounds very odd.

MidnightMeltdown · 23/11/2021 18:27

@HildegardeCrowe

Thank you *@thepeopleversuswork*, very sound advice. I wouldn’t mind that much if I couldn’t see that he’s constantly on WhatsApp so it’s not correct to say he’s not into messaging! I’ll see how I feel next time I see him but I do absolutely know that I’d like someone who is clearly comfortable with messaging (and who I’ve told how much I like getting messages) is able to want to please me. He’s told me how special I am so don’t really think I’m asking that much.

If you're checking how often he's on WhatsApp then there's something very wrong. It sounds like you're either very insecure and/or you don't trust him.

You need to ask yourself why that is rather than obsessing about whether or not he sends you a morning text. This is a minor thing which seems to be covering up a much bigger problem or anxiety that you have about the relationship.

MidnightMeltdown · 23/11/2021 18:30

@HildegardeCrowe

But that’s exactly it *@MidnightMeltdown*. I want him to do it because he wants to, not because I expect it of him. And I don’t want constant texts either, I agree that is a turn off. I really do think we have different communication styles and maybe I should raise this with him so it doesn’t spoil things.

But he obviously doesn't want to, otherwise he would do it. These things need to happen spontaneously, not because you've told him that you'd like to get a morning text.

YukoandHiro · 23/11/2021 18:32

You are not being unreasonable if this is how it makes you feel. I was totally the same when dating.

What depresses me is that it's possible to still feel this way when in a new relationship in the 50s and beyond. If anything happens with me and DH I am never ever going back out there again. I think my mind is happier single

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