New man doesn’t message as much as I’d like

[HildegardeCrowe]

I’ve been seeing someone for a couple of months (I’ve known him as an acquaintance for quite some time) and we’re both in our fifties. He’s lovely, organises dates (we see each other 2-3 times a week), he’s very attentive and we get on like a house on fire. My only gripe is his communication style. I’d say I’m averagely into messaging and would expect a message from him in the morning just to say hello but he only messages intermittently. I did say in passing to him that I liked getting messages to see if he upped his game but it hasn’t changed anything. AIBU to expect more? He says he thinks about me a lot but it doesn’t seem that way. I wish it wasn’t bothering me but it is and I don’t think I can ignore it.

What do you do all day, OP? Or in the mornings?

I'm a single parent to 2 primary aged kids and I work. I'm currently under pressure from a deadline so writing about 1500 words a day as well as my "normal" job. This is pretty much my standard level of busy. I am very fulfilled and comfy and happy. When I'm dating someone, I'll see them once or twice a week and we'll message intermittently. If someone came along who dropped hints about wanting a morning mssage every day, I simply wouldn't see them again. I would be wondering if they dont have anything better to worry about in the mornings, dont they have a busy, fulfilling life to keep them occupied? Why do I need to wake up and have them be my first thought after only 2 months of dating. That will come with time, but I dont want to date someone who isnt already content and fulfilled. I dont want to become some sort of crutch for them. I dont want their day to depend on my opening it for them.

If you're not enough without this man then you wont ever feel enough with him. If you absolutely need a message every morning from the men you date, after only a very short time, then can you think about why that is?

It's lovely to be thought of and if he sees something that he thinks you'd enjoy and then sends a message saying, "I've just seen this and thought youd enjoy seeing it too" then isnt that nice than a robotic good morning text?

But full marks for totally misrepresenting the post.

Cheers @LolaSmiles. You say "misrepresent", I say "interpret differently from you".
Your post was melodramatic & doomladen to my eyes - obviously you don't think so, & that's fine.

You & OP are at liberty to require exactly the amount of e-comms you wish for. And chuck men for it if they don't reach your standard of contact.

I'd rather have one sincere face to face chat than a week's worth of obligatory texting, but people are allowed to differ.

I think it's odd, too, that people are assuming OP 'needs' contact, she hasn't said she's going to wither away and die without it.

OP is noticing they aren't aligned on expectations for contact. Given that she's not asking he attach a GoPro to his head and livestream his entire day for her, she's not being needy - she's recognising a mismatch in expectations. Just because the competitive devil's advocates here only send a telegram to potential suitors once a month doesn't mean her expectations aren't reasonable, nor are his.

You are not a tamagotchi

^^this

Get a grip lady
You sound 16. Time to grow up

Dp and i always send good morning and good night messages if we have not slept in the same bed. There is nothing wrong with liking to have this contact. he will often send me a message during the day to ask how my day is going and vice versa. I think it's a lovely thing and we would both miss the contact.
OP there is nothing wrong with wanting that kind of contact.
it might be that he is not a message generally though?
Some revolting posters on this thread. I guess you are bored or something .

@Marvellousmadness that was one of the most immature posts I have seen. The irony.

OP it's fine to want this, but realise you may not get it.
I think its a nice thing to do, just touch base then get on with your day, and liking that doesn't make you 16,a tamagotchi or pathetic.

Maybe it's an age thing but I'm 25 and everyone I know would expect at least one message a day. The only time I didn't was when I was dating someone in the army. It's the done thing nowadays to talk daily - if someone messaged twice a week you'd think they were definitely not interested. FWIW I don't think you sound needy

Oh thank you @littlemissalwaystired. I do know this from my daughter but I feel the same. If he’s on his phone all day (and he is), he can drop me a quick message.

You sound 16. Time to grow up

What an utterly bizarre (and rude) thing to say.

DP and I actually like each other, and like to share things during the times we're not together. Just now, for instance, he's sent me some photos of where he currently is with work (on his lunch break). When we're not staying the night together, we like to text a good morning and a good night text.

I suppose we see it as an ongoing conversation. It doesn't mean we lack things to talk about when we are actually in the same room together- perhaps that's what the issue is with the naysayers?

It certainly doesn't mean that we need to "grow up" or stop being so 'needy'. What a peculiar way of looking at things.

Having said all of that- we are both happy with this level of contact. If you like daily contact, and hook up with someone who finds it needy/pathetic/juvenile, then their attitude will get you down in the end, I think. That's not to say you should dump him immediately, because he does otherwise sound like a nice bloke. But it might be worth bearing in mind before you invest too deeply in him.

YABU to expect more if you haven’t explicitly told him. Hinting is not telling him.

If it really bothers you that much despite how great a guy you say he is, then tell him and go from there. Saying that, I wonder if you might like this guy more than you feel you should after a few months and looking for a reason to break up with him.

I guess messaging styles can be a deal breaker but not about someone who is great in everything else.

I asked my bf to text me every morning when he got up. He did for about a year and then gradually stopped. He was very ill with a number of serious health issues when we met and I just wanted to make sure he was still alive! He didn't mind. I think he was just grateful someone cared.

OP good men/relationships are hard to find. Just read half the threads on this site.

If everything else is good don't throw this relationship away over something like this.

I’d say I’m averagely into messaging and would expect a message from him in the morning

You see, I’d say I’m averagely into messaging and I’d only expect someone to message if they wanted to make arrangements or had something specific to say (or funny to share). I wouldn’t expect constant “nothing” messages day in day out, nor would I think to send them.

If you force him to text every day to keep you sweet what have you gained?
Not somebody contacting you naturally and spontaneously but somebody tolerating your silly neediness...... until they think, oh fuck this for a lark and decide that you are too much bother.

He might be on a forum somewhere now being told to run for his life due to your efforts to control him....
Keep this up and "accomodating his lack of contact" might not be on your hands as he has decided its all too much clingyness and he cuts his losses.

Yabu, you must know that. You’re a mature woman not a teenager for god sake.

@PumpkinSpiceGirl

Wow some of these replies are really bitchy, all the cool girls out in force to berate the OP for expecting the man she’s seeing to want to contact her.

It’s really unkind to suggest that she’s needy or old fashioned or pathetic for expecting basic politeness and a sign of interest. Are people all so comfy in their relationships that they don’t need that or are standards of acceptable behaviour just really low?

Oh FFS. Didn't take long for the cool girls jibe to come out.

Since when were daily texts basic politeness? Surely his current contact is acceptable behaviour to many people?

Is this the same man as your last thread?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4402053-New-man-not-reading-messages?msgid=112505765#112505765

You sound like you need him to validate his thoughts and affection for you through regular texts. That to me would be annoying.
I work away from my wife and family for 6mths of the year and would not text just for the sake of it. If I have news or want to see how they're getting on then fine but just to say morning and night night, that's teenage BS.

It’s an interesting one @HildegardeCrowe and not quite as clear cut as being a Tamagochi (though that did amuse me too).

I’m a few months into a relationship with a man a bit younger than yours (we are both mid-late 40s) who overall is just not as into messaging as I am. If I was ever to audit our WhatsApp I’m sure I account for 75% of the content and “initiate” way more chats than he does.

It concerned me a little to begin with - as in, is he not thinking about me, into me etc. BUT - he is just not a phone person. As in when we are together he doesn’t lift his phone and scroll by default the way so many people do (myself included). And I really like that about him.

I’ve not heard from him today - and that’s ok. We spent 3 days away together at the weekend and then he dropped everything to come with me to something at short notice last night when someone else dropped out. He SHOWS me he cares about me, rather than sending formulaic good morning messages.

So whilst people are saying you can’t change your preferences or whatever, I think you can. I have. I have reframed the importance of messaging as something that can be easily and emptily done, esp by a phone addict. I look at the other things he does / says when we are together. Don’t let a good man get away because of this

I certainly wouldn’t be asking for extra messaging - but you can positively reinforce I guess when he does message. But in a non-overwhelming way. I also think how unattractive to have a guy so lacking in confidence / busyness that they were texting me every minute of the day.

I’d say I’m averagely into messaging and would expect a message from him in the morning just to say hello but he only messages intermittently.

Needy. And unusual in your 50s.

I'm in my 30s and would find that suffocating. You/your partner can't be in very stressful or pressured jobs in order to have daily constant comms like this, there's no way that would be possible in a lot of workplaces where you're always "on" or there's a never ending list of customer-facing stuff that you can't hide from.

Ah just saw your previous thread and that he IS on his phone all the time. Hmmmmm. That sounds a little more suss to me.

As in when we are together he doesn’t lift his phone and scroll by default the way so many people do (myself included). And I really like that about him.

i find that behaviour really fucking rude - i have actively reduced social meet ups when friends do this. if i am out with someone, it's fine to check your phone now and then e.g. if you have kids or want to know what the traffic is like, but jesus, if you're out for coffee with me, why would i want to watch you reading your social media feeds? it's madness, and rude.

if he's on his phone all time but not bothering to message much then that would piss me off.

Cheers @LolaSmiles. You say "misrepresent", I say "interpret differently from you".
Your post was melodramatic & doomladen to my eyes - obviously you don't think so, & that's fine

I don't think it's melodramatic at all to encourage women to acknowledge if something is a must have/central to their love language and to find a man that matches that, rather than play down something that matters to them and sustain a relationship that isn't meeting their needs.

I don't relate to the OP's communication preferences, but if it matters to her then she needs a man who is on the same page as that.

Too often women are expected to set aside things that matter to them, to play it cool, etc and they end up in relationships where things that matter to them aren't met.

How on earth did mobile phones morph from making calls into such a cause of angst?

If I'm ever let loose on the dating scene then I haven't got a hope. I am very hit and miss on reading messages and even more so on replying to them. If I could turn off the feature then I would.