New man doesn’t message as much as I’d like

[HildegardeCrowe]

I’ve been seeing someone for a couple of months (I’ve known him as an acquaintance for quite some time) and we’re both in our fifties. He’s lovely, organises dates (we see each other 2-3 times a week), he’s very attentive and we get on like a house on fire. My only gripe is his communication style. I’d say I’m averagely into messaging and would expect a message from him in the morning just to say hello but he only messages intermittently. I did say in passing to him that I liked getting messages to see if he upped his game but it hasn’t changed anything. AIBU to expect more? He says he thinks about me a lot but it doesn’t seem that way. I wish it wasn’t bothering me but it is and I don’t think I can ignore it.

What’s his general social media use/texting like. If he’s constantly on his phone then I can see your point. If he’s a more typical man in 50s busy at work and only occasionally using phone I’d think it would be unusual to text every day.
You are seeing him 3 times a week. I’d message occasionally in between but I think expecting a morning text daily is too much.

@HildegardeCrowe

There is lots of piling on here. Nastiness for no reason.

There's nothing wrong with you wanting more communication. It doesnt make you needy etc

Don't understand why some threads take such an unpleasant turn.

You see I think daily contact is fairly standard too @scarpa and I’m interested that you can see where I’m coming from @LolaSmiles. I know it’s up to me to decide if I can accommodate his lack of contact but really I don’t know if I want to.

God yes @TheCreamCaker and @PinkiOcelot. Seriously go away if all you want to do is be low down about people you don’t even know.

I don't think you sound needy. I think its normal that couples would text a lot more than friends would so you're not being unreasonable to want a text in the morning etc. Some people just aren't into texting much though and it sounds like he is one of them unfortunately! I would just try to accept he isn't a texter and don't take it personally.

@PinkiOcelot

Wow. You’re in your 50s?! Seriously grow up.

Absolutely no need for this response, don't be so nasty

Wow some of these replies are really bitchy, all the cool girls out in force to berate the OP for expecting the man she’s seeing to want to contact her.

It’s really unkind to suggest that she’s needy or old fashioned or pathetic for expecting basic politeness and a sign of interest. Are people all so comfy in their relationships that they don’t need that or are standards of acceptable behaviour just really low?

@TheCreamCaker

You're not some dewy-eyed teenager. Perhaps be less pathetic needy.

And this, there's just no need to call someone pathetic

OP I totally understand where you're coming from and I've always had daily contact with my partner, who instigates it most days so I don't think you're expecting too much. It just doesn't sound like he's a texter so he's doing nothing wrong either. Just enjoy it

[quote TowandaForever]@HildegardeCrowe

There is lots of piling on here. Nastiness for no reason.

There's nothing wrong with you wanting more communication. It doesnt make you needy etc

Don't understand why some threads take such an unpleasant turn. [/quote]
Plenty of reason to be blunt, when sympathetic PP are advising OP to throw a budding relationship away because not receiving a text early every morning is going to make her "desperate for validation" "unfulfilled" & "unhappy".

Isn't it far kinder to ask OP to adjust her expectations slightly, & be happy with a man she is getting on with "like a house on fire" who is "lovely, attentive, & organises dates"?

It's up to OP if she wants to dial back on her expectations - but telling her not receiving a morning text every day is going to ruin her life & she ought to throw the baby out with the bathwater is OTT & counter-productive.

Compromise is a two-way street.
Maybe if OP wants breakfast texts, she could send one. Why does it have to be down to him, the guy who is oblivious to OP's deep-seated desire for morning messages?

If you bring it up with him, what he may hear is that whatever he’s doing to try to make you happy, it’s not enough and he’s disappointing you. Is that what you want him to feel?

I would think seriously about finishing a relationship if they expected a morning text. It's just not the sort of thing I'd do and is too formulaic to demonstrate real caring etc. Not saying that people who do this dont care, but it just doesn't create warm and fluffy feelings for me.
But it seems a bit more of a deal breaker in the other direction for you and I don't think anyone except you can decide whether it is or not.

@PumpkinSpiceGirl

Wow some of these replies are really bitchy, all the cool girls out in force to berate the OP for expecting the man she’s seeing to want to contact her.

It’s really unkind to suggest that she’s needy or old fashioned or pathetic for expecting basic politeness and a sign of interest. Are people all so comfy in their relationships that they don’t need that or are standards of acceptable behaviour just really low?

It's not about being "comfy in their relationships" it's about being "comfy in themselves". Not expecting other people to provide constant validation, entertainment, & communication. Being self-reliant. Not mithering people at breakfast time!

OP's only known this guy a few weeks.
If she wants morning texts, she needs to ASK HIM FOR THEM.
State her needs like a grown up.
She says the guy is lovely, so he'll probably step up - but only if he knows about it! - hints & resentment are getting her nowhere but more obsessing over it.

Isn't it far kinder to ask OP to adjust her expectations slightly, & be happy with a man she is getting on with "like a house on fire" who is "lovely, attentive, & organises dates"?
This is good advice but I'm not sure you're ready to hear it... he does sound like a great bloke.

I wouldn’t like being expected to send a good morning text every day. I would find it stifling and a waste of time. If you’re happy with him in other ways then I wouldn’t see it as a problem.

In the first year of dating i had exactly one text from my now DH.

You are grown-ups not love struck teenagers. If he works, he's probably busy. I know I am. I hate this idea that adults cannot get through the day without clucking at each other.

Save it for when you are together, or the weekend.

@Severntrent

Isn't it far kinder to ask OP to adjust her expectations slightly, & be happy with a man she is getting on with "like a house on fire" who is "lovely, attentive, & organises dates"? This is good advice but I'm not sure you're ready to hear it... he does sound like a great bloke.

Agree. OP, you get on well and see him quite often. He's attentive, just not in this very particular way.

Have another think before you throw him back.

I know it’s up to me to decide if I can accommodate his lack of contact but really I don’t know if I want to.

Wow.

So you are going to chuck a perfectly lovely man who you get on well with, for the sake of a text message?

Suppose he simply prefers in-person contact? Is irritated by texting?
Why don't you have a conversation with his about it? Doesn't have to be heavy. "I love seeing you & am having fun - but it would also make me really happy to see a text from you just to say good morning. Would that be a pain in the arse for you, or something you'd like to do too?"

Or just start sending him your own breakfast time texts. It's likely he'd respond, maybe he just doesn't enjoy initiating text convo's.
Or is it his job to text, & your job to receive?

The genetic ‘morning, have a nice day’ texts are bland, unoriginal and insincere to me, particularly if someone is sending them after being told they’re expected- does he set a reminder on his phone to do so?

Daily (or less than daily) contact where the content is chatty, original, reciprocal and not forced, on the other hand, would be far more validating.

Plenty of reason to be blunt, when sympathetic PP are advising OP to throw a budding relationship away because not receiving a text early every morning is going to make her "desperate for validation" "unfulfilled" & "unhappy".

Isn't it far kinder to ask OP to adjust her expectations slightly, & be happy with a man she is getting on with "like a house on fire" who is "lovely, attentive, & organises dates"?

Nice bit of selective quoting there to put a totally different spin on what the post actually said

Even the OP has said she understands where i was coming from

Who knew that telling a woman there's no right or wrong way to communicate in a relationship, and that it's better to be in a relationship with someone who communicates the same way rather than be miserable and unfulfilled in a relationship with someone who has a totally different communication style could be twisted into something unreasonable

As I said (without the selective quoting above):
There's no 'should' when it comes to expectations and boundaries other than not being controlling or abusive.

If you're someone who needs regular checking in and finds a daily morning message is something that matters to you then there's no point trying to change that. It's clearly something that meets one of your needs from a relationship.

If you try and force yourself to have different expectations then you're going to end up in an unfulfilling relationship where you're desperate for more validation and checking in, but pretending to play it cool. A relationship that doesn't meet your emotional needs isn't a good relationship and risks being unhappy or breeding resentment.

What you need is to find a man who also enjoys regular check ins and also likes it when the person he's dating is in contact regularly.

But full marks for totally misrepresenting the post.

@Itsalmostanaccessory

Dating must have been absolutely bliss before mobile phones.

You're not a tamagotchi. You dont need feeding first thing in the morning or checking in with during the day.

It really is ridiculous to need to be messaged a good morning or to check in every day.

If this is a delabreaker for you then he isnt right for you. Find someone else. But I personally think you'd be stupid to throw away a nice relationship in the early stages because he isnt treating you like a mobile pet who requires feeding every day.

😅😅 not a tamagotchi 😅😅

Do you use your phone a lot? Message your friends a lot? If so I think it can be difficult to understand why someone else isn’t like this. My DH never messages me unless he needs something or needs to tell me something. I would say I get one message a month off him. Some people just don’t need intense messaging.

He sounds a good one though so rather than forcing a change in him, I think it would be better to focus on your needs and perhaps lower them a little.