People who really love and enjoy life, what's the secret?

[zorrow]

Have been going through what I think is an existential crisis for quite some time and just wondered, what is it that makes some people love their life so much? Is it their mindset? Is it money? Is it relationships?

@RedWingBoots

Its all about perspective. You might not appreciate the lovely things you have, but want the things that other people have. Easy to do in the age of social media. I know people who hanker for the large houses that americans have. A youtuber i watch started her video with a disclaimer when doing a house tour of her 3 bedroom new build house- our houses in the UK are so small, sorry that its not like in America, I would love to have an American style house with big bedrooms; and she didn't even have any kids or want kids, it was just her and her partner, she had a room exclusively for her pet rats, mice and reptiles).

Of course this ignores all the things that we do have in the UK that Americans don't have like free healthcare and a welfare state. We can complain about the NHS but if you asked me to pick between the two, I think I would still choose UK. plus what is the use of comparing- both countries have vastly different housing stock. I live in London and in my area, unless you are talking about bishops avenue, there are hardly any Mcmansions here, its mostly terraces and flats. Even the terrace is £1.4 million. That youtuber was in lincolnshire and even there, the majority of houses are probably not 5000 square feet. The same could work for me, I could feel very jealous looking at her property that she bought as a first time buyer as my flat is smaller; but I do understand I bought in London so really there is no basis of comparison.

positivepsychology.com/is-happiness-genetic/

In this twin study, published in the Journal of Neuroscience (De Neve, 2012) subjects with a higher presence of the number of longer alleles of the 5-HTTLPR gene (a serotonin transporter gene) self-reported higher levels of life satisfaction, aka happiness.

While the study did not define this gene as the happiness gene, it did equate 33% of subjective life satisfaction with genetic variation. Whereas environmental factor variation equated to not more than 3%.

A twin study of over 2,000 twins from the Minnesota Twin Registry found that approximately 50% of life satisfaction is due to genetics. This leaves 40% attributable to intentional activities and 10% attributable to external events. (Lyubomirsky, Sheldon, & Schkade, 2005)

It's one of those complex mix of genetic and environment things - though article goes on to suggest quiet a few activies to boost the 50% not genetic - self help stuff including:meditation, gratitude, practice self-compassion, play to strengths and have goals , pets, dance/art hobbies, calming play-list smusic but imagine calming scents would be similar - focus on others less on self - spirituality, supportive circle of supportive friends, nature - bascially what everyone's mentioning on here.

Great thread! Not sure I have much to add, but agree about reducing social media; leaving Facebook has had been wonderful for me. It’s not even that I had anyone toxic on there, but I still felt like I was a voyeur in the drama of other people’s lives- be those good or bad things (I mean people who in many cases I was no longer in touch with so weren’t current ‘real life’ friends). I wouldn’t have even said those things consciously bothered me, but now that’s completely gone, my mind is free-er and quieter, with more space and time to think its own thoughts somehow. I thought I might feel I was missing out on things- but actually I make more effort with the people I genuinely care about now, and feel like I find out about the things I’m meant to find out about, and that’s how it should be!

Really focus on appreciating the small easy stuff. Actively notice how good your coffee tastes, how beautiful the sunlight is through the autumn leaves, dew on spiders webs all over a hedge etc. Do small things that give you pleasure every day, from a walk in nature, to watching comedies. Always find ways of making dull things more fun - e.g. play your favourite music while you clean.
Make plans so you have something small to look forward to each day, something medium to look forward to each week, something big to look forward to each month and some achievement you are proud of each year.
E.g.
Day: a yoga session or walk or cooking a good dinner.
Week: going out with friends or for a day out at the weekend
Month: a weekend away or a gig by a favourite musician
Year: run a marathon, renovate your home, pass professional exams, reach target weight goal, get promoted etc.
So you enjoy the day to day as well as making sure you have fun and make progress in life.

Agree with the following from PP:

Financial security
Good sleep
Staying off social media

With small children, life is a lot easier if you aren't constantly bombarded with facebook/instagram type posts of people #blessed #makingmemories #famalam in a rainy field full of pumpkins. Do what makes you and your family happy and don't worry if it's not what everyone else is doing.

This thread needs to go in the Classics section, if not into a printable pdf. So many brilliant posts.

I think covid taught me that you don’t actually need to spend money on having or doing exciting things.
Surrounding yourself and spending time doing simple things like walks, with good friends and family. Having good boundaries and jettisoning extra baggage, is all that’s needed

@TableFlowerss

Surely it’s mostly circumstances?

You’re married to the love of your life and they dote on you…

You’ve got healthy happy children…

You enjoy your job…

You’ve got no money worries…

You’ve got good friends….

If the above box’s are ticked then you’re bound to be happier than someone who-

Has children that have health issues etc…

Hate their job

Haven’t got any money

Has a partner that’s an arsehole

Thats it, plus will add, depends on your expectations.

Im not into mixing and pubs, would rather be on a beach or in a forest with my dogs or alone watching a good film or series, or reading a book.I'm not materialistic, so not interested in fashion and the latest must have, drive an old car etc.and could get by if my income dropped suddenly. I don't need a lot of people around me so don't really depend on anyone to make me happy.

Whereas someone who has high goals and expectations and invests a lot into creating a certain lifestyle and appearance can find themselves very unhappy very fast if something goes pear shaped like loss of job or relationship.

@zorrow For me, one of the main factors in feeling content with life is being solvent. No mortgage, DD (mid 20s) left some years ago, so no kids to provide for, plenty of savings and surplus income, and low outgoings/no debt.

I also have a happy marriage - most of the time - a great relationship with DD, several good friends, reasonable health, (a couple of health issues that are managed well but am overall OK,) I live in a lovely village/rural environment, I have an easy part time job, and a DH who earns quite well, and as I we are said solvent/quite well off.

All of the above (friends/decent marriage/close/family/reasonable health etc,) are essential for happiness IMO and IME, but if you are financially poor, life is very hard.

Money doesn't necessarily equal happiness, but the lack of it causes misery.

We have had periods in the past (me and DH) where we have been brassick and struggled badly, and been in quite a bit of debt, and we were much more stressed and miserable then. I think most people would agree that life is easier/better/less stressful if you're solvent.

I think part of it is living in the knowledge that caring about things/people does not have to be the same as constantly worrying about them.

@Blahblahblow

Sorry, but those people saying that hobbies and filling your diary up with things to look forward to make you happy are wrong. It only brings happiness IF you are at peace within yourself. If you have unresolved issues or haven’t done the work on your inner self, these activities are merely a distraction and you could be heading for a big fall when the charade slips. Activities in themselves do not make you happy.

Just look at people like Adele who have access to any hobby or activities that take their fancy, but are still miserable.

I don’t think it’s about distracting yourself but it’s about making the ‘good’ things a larger part of your life than the ‘bad’ things.

I have a myriad of chronic health conditions and people often say that they couldn’t cope or that I am brave for managing a fulfilling life despite of them. But I consider them a tiny part of me. Not who I am so I don’t wallow in self pity nor worry about the future in that respect.

Happiness is fleeting and largely dependent on circumstances - contentment is the key.

I have always been a positive upbeat person even though I have gone through some horrible crap in my life. My husband (second marriage) and my youngest child both suffer with depression and anxiety and sometimes, I'll be honest, it does suck the happiness out of me. But it is my instinct to be grateful for all the wonderful things I have - lovely family, friends, my health etc. I count myself lucky for every day I live when the people I love and care about are also happy and healthy.

I also really look forward to things. I arrange lots of holidays, outings with friends and family, theatre visits etc and I get a lot of pleasure just knowing that I have those things to look forward to. I think you need hope for the future in order to have a positive attitude to life

I'm very LC with family that bring me down and have agendas. I focus on my darling DD's, amazing grandkids, my DH, my dogs.

Life's so short and precious. I made a determined effort to enjoy every single day. This morning I got up at 7am, walked the dogs for an hour and just took in the birdsong, rising sun and peacefulness. No one has a "perfect" life, and comparison to others is a road to nowhere, I think.

I have recently realised that everyone, no matter how rich or powerful or influential or successful they are has a cross to bear and there's no such thing as a perfectly happy life. Life is a struggle for everyone; that is a fundamental truth of the human condition and it doesn't matter how much money someone has, how much presence at work, how much material gain, how many social connections, what size house, or houses - we all experience suffering in some form or another.

Whilst that sounds depressing on the face of it, I find it a comfort because I've realised you can't spend your life comparing yourself to others. They've got their problems, as you have yours - the only difference is how those problems are framed. So concentrate on making your life the best you can make it, problems and all.

As I reached late 50s my health went downhill. I have several long term health conditions and had breast cancer a couple of years ago. People remark how positive I am and it's true. At a time when many would have become depressed I remain happy. I haven't really thought about why that is but picking up a few things from this thread.

I don't analyse much.
I am grateful for what I have.
My expectations are low.
I have had some periods of dreadful illness and pain so I really appreciate it when I am not in pain.
Financially secure.
I am happy with good enough on the relationship front.
I don't compare.
I don't hold grudges.
I don't care what other people think.
I don't care what I look like.
My adult children are healthy and happy and the one thing that would drag me down is their unhappiness.
If the sun shines I go outside.

When my mother was widowed and becoming frail she never said no to anything whether it was a visit, theatre, meal out or actually anything at all.
I don't grasp every opportunity to do stuff or experience it - maybe I should.

For me, the secret is that I made decisions and set things up so that my life is what I find enjoyable, if that makes sense. I always prefer to look on the bright side, give the benefit of the doubt, assume the best in any situation. Also have good strong boundaries so I'm rarely in a position I don't want to be in.

Try watching the film About Time - that really changed my perspective about how to deal with every day mundane challenges.

I also did a self compassion programme a few years ago which changed my life. It's on an app called 29K.

I would say not being a glass half full person, OR a glass half empty person helps.

Wake up, fill your glass whenever you choose to.

I am a council tenant but I have a secure home (unless I suddenly become antisocial) with just enough bedrooms in a nice quiet street.

I'm a full time student and single parent, but I get enough student loans/uc/grant that we can live comfortably. I'm studying towards my dream job, and should start on a reasonable wage.

I've previously been under 'voluntary' section and at the time I was severely depressed (depressed for years but left untreated and got out of control). I was made homeless, my marriage ended, I was in debt, I couldn't' cope with my children and I kept going into arrears from not being able to budget due to the depression. I was on medication for about 18 months then I weaned myself off it and I'm ok now.

My circumstances changed around the time I started feeling better. I've been through a lot in my life; I've been abused and I've been in care etc so it doesn't take anything more than being secure in circumstances to make me happy. I think thats a lot to ask for in the current times anyway and many people have too many stressors.

I love life, I don’t have partner/relationship and I don’t have money, I don’t even have lots of friends. I have learnt not to overthink things and to appreciate the small things, I have learnt to except the things I can’t change and am working in the things I can change. I have 2 dc, I have a couple good friends, I have hobbies and I enjoy time on my own.

I am generally hardwired to be content I think, which I feel is a massive privelege. I get great joy from simple things - home comforts, nature, that sort of thing. I generally think the best of people, and usually don't take things others do personally

I also enjoy a life that happens to be within my financial means - I don't crave big expensive things or holidays or cars or a house I can't afford - now i fully accept that being able to afford the things i do want makes it all 200% easier

@Technosaurus

Pursue hobbies and interests; enjoy your work or if you don't, minimise the amount of time spent there; know and manage your outgoings so live comfortably within your means (don't confuse this with simply "being rich", it's not the same); maintain your valued friendships; deal with your adult family largely on your terms (and accept that death is an inevitable part of life so when those you love aren't there you are in some way "ready" for the upheaval); if you want kids, have them, if you don't want them, don't; make the effort with people who do the same for you; always have something to look forward to, big or small; try new things and when you like something, do it a bit more.

I'm a funeral celebrant who deals with hundreds of life stories every year and the happiest ones pretty much all follow that trend.

I really enjoy and love life and I do everything @Technosaurus has said.

Technosaurus has hit the nail on the head IMO. - I find it very apt that she is a funeral celebrant.

Being ruthless. Ditch people that are awful, even if it's your sister or husband of 20 years. Make active decisions about your life - hold the reins, don't just let things happen to you. Don't do things just because you 'have to'.
Love the people around you HARD - the right people will shine it right back.

HRT

Healthy hobbies, pets, good friendships, a job that fulfills me.. that's what makes me happy every day.