People who really love and enjoy life, what's the secret?

[zorrow]

Have been going through what I think is an existential crisis for quite some time and just wondered, what is it that makes some people love their life so much? Is it their mindset? Is it money? Is it relationships?

@HarrietsChariot

Generally you need a lack of empathy. The world is a horrible place, to love life you have to be comfortable with the fact that a lot of people have it worse than you. You have to know that you have it better than many, and revel in the fact.

It's impossible for an intelligent and emotionally aware person to be truly happy with life. You can be a good person or a happy person, but not both.

This is total bs. You would really struggle to find good examples of this. As I said above, the people I know (and esp. my father) fitting the profile, were extremely intelligent and emotionally engaged.

Those who are always miserable seem to believe they will live for ever (so not that smart) and they never appreciate the good things they have in life.

Spend your money on experiences rather than stuff. Stuff hangs around and the joy wears off. Experiences are over quickly and you’re left with the memories and that happy feeling is never dulled.

Take The Science of Well-being on Coursera.com

Have money

If you have a spouse, choose a good one (obviously very complex and people change!)

No social media

Remember you are the only person you have to spend 100% of your life with, so treat yourself well, get to like yourself and find ways to enjoy being alone.

My solution on the news front is to be more discerning about where I get it from. Mainstream journalism has gone down tube since private companies took over our papers and mags. So I only listen to certain radio shows and read the week and private eye. That way I don’t get wound up by poor journalism but stay in touch.

Enjoying this thread, thank you OP.

I definitely feel much happier for having work I love, being my own boss, doing work I believe in and working my own flexible part time hours from locations of my choosing. I’m also lucky to have a very helpful dh and we are a real team: we live part of the year overseas somewhere we created together snd have a ds after many years of struggle so I feel v blessed. We are comfortable financially but not at all flashy. I don’t really engage with social media either, have a spiritual practice and good friends and interesting hobbies. My parents grew up in very unstable parts of the world so that has helped with appreciation but I would say I am still a bit of a worrier, impatient and sometimes grumpy, over impulsive and a weight that gets me really down. So it’s a bit of both! Most areas of my life I feel in charge and others, utterly powerless. I juggle some pretty complex relationship with family too.

I’d say that a lot of holiness comes from feeling empowered to take action- even if you don’t necessarily do it. The more power and agency one feels over ones life choices and circumstance, the holier you tend to be.

One of our children was born early and I spent 8 weeks in NICU (intensive care). It was a scorching summer. You weren't allowed out the room with your baby (once off most / all the machines) and were confined to 4 walls. All I could do was look out the window to a world I wasn't part of.

It changed my outlook on life - time is the biggest gift you can give to yourself / others - be it kicking leaves with young children, visiting elder family members, friends, walking (you get the gist - all free - to (money permitting) having experiences - visiting Lapland, the fun fayre, go-karting, the cinema, theatre. Within the space of 24 hours I realised nothing was ever guaranteed so I now live for the moment. I think my family are fed of hearing me saying it but before I would never of thought of doing these experiences / enjoying the moment.

Sorry, but those people saying that hobbies and filling your diary up with things to look forward to make you happy are wrong. It only brings happiness IF you are at peace within yourself. If you have unresolved issues or haven’t done the work on your inner self, these activities are merely a distraction and you could be heading for a big fall when the charade slips. Activities in themselves do not make you happy.

Just look at people like Adele who have access to any hobby or activities that take their fancy, but are still miserable.

I think I read some research that suggested happy/joyful baselines were heavily biologically influenced- but there's also going to be impacted by experinces and life and reasources and environment things can that add strain and deplete happiness from base level.

As an adult I've realised I can be baldly affect by hormones - last time on the pill a honeymoon period after a move everything great I was talked onto pill I had crippling anxity which left me really unhappy.

I can also be badly affected by peeople around me - drains and radiatiors - it can make it hard with some family members who are very down people. I am thinking I may need another break from MN - it's very negative at the moment. I have at times walked away from news - during covid we've all benefit from avoiding the news at times. Same time I can be perked up by escapism in books, tv, movies - sometime I just need distracting fluff.

I think finding things that make you happy in life and avoiding things that make you unhappy if you can - and if can't use distractions like escapism, hobbies or even finding a goals to work toward.

oh great post. Having good boundaries. Lookat those who suffer. Work less. Spend time with the kids actually doing fun, cycles in the woods, cooking. Choosing non toxic relationships. Small gentle hobbies. Sex and intimacy. Everyday tell someone why you appreciate them x

Drugs. 🤣

• The people I know who love and enjoy life are not overthinkers. They enjoy the superficial and don't look to the future too much. Don't look to deeply into their relationships with people. More a 'live for the moment' mantra.

I am not one of these people.
I would love to be.*

Very true

@inferiorCatSlave I agree Re: Mumsnet. There seem to be more drains than radiators on here!

I find it is often just a case of different attitudes.

I asked Dh a couple of weeks ago to fix the fence to stop the dog getting out, and he said he'd also fix the catch on the gate and set up the old wii sometime ready for games at Christmas. Then he got busy with life... his mum is ill, work is manic , dog has needed vet etc...

So I could sit and stew, or wait, or nag, but I just did that stuff myself because he is busy with other things.

My friends and colleagues at work were all for "tearing him a new one", "fuming", "if it was my hubby he'd have done it or else"... etc, etc.

He noticed I'd done stuff he was going to do, said thanks, we're both happy...

There are thing that can bring brief happiness - laughter triggers the release of endorphins I've read on some reseacher finding faking till you make it with laughter improves moods - they thought it was partially exercise and partly social.

In a particularly difficult period for us - aroud money and lots of demand on us - I did realised we weren't laughing very much - we weren't seeking out comedy and life felt hard . We had a talk we found be away from the house - less phone calls from family away from stress about money/work needed and bullying neighour - doing fun cheap things with our then young children and juts making sure we were away from stresses and laughing more made us happier.

I'm so glad we got cats as well - they do so many funny things that cause laughter and prompt converations with our teens.

The happiest people I know, regardless of what they have or don't have in life, are those who sleep well and don't know what insomnia is!

Very good question, I have had my own crisis this year and am coming out of the other side after therapy in a much stronger position. One of the key things is depending on yourself and not others for happiness, whether that be a simple cup of coffee, running in the fresh air with the sun on your face, knowing that you are doing the best you can. You know how the guilt creeps up on us with motherhood, its simply not possible to be perfect all the time and neither is it necessary. Fulfilling my own needs has been important, date nights with my husband to reconnect and relight the passion. Having hobbies certainly helps and having hope that the future is going to be great and that we are allowed to be happy. Mindset is everything and I think I did have a negative one always expecting the worst but now Im turning this on its head, now I expect the best outcome and this has really helped. Good luck and also therapy really helps to have an external viewpoint its been truly transformational and this was 2 x per month for 40 minutes so not a huge investment. I wish you lots of luck and strength on your journey x

[quote Blahblahblow]@inferiorCatSlave I agree Re: Mumsnet. There seem to be more drains than radiators on here![/quote]
I came from one of the other places when kids were still very young as that place went po-faced and anti-sceince - and found MN was funny and helpful and forthright but in a good way.

I know I need to move on - but keep coming back.

The hardest parts of life have made me appreciate the small things I have now.
I never compare myself to others and set my own goals to self improvement.
Also doing something creative,baking sewing gardening.
Following positive people on social media inspires me.
I can get down over thinking so keeping busy helps.

@MrsFoxyplease

The people I know who love and enjoy life are not overthinkers. They enjoy the superficial and don't look to the future too much. Don't look to deeply into their relationships with people. More a 'live for the moment' mantra.

I am not one of these people.
I would love to be.

I imagine that they have chosen a lifestyle with some security, and so don't need to trouble themselves with the future too much. They have chosen people with whom their relationships don't need looking too deeply into. It's easier to live in the moment when you feel safe and secure, practically and emotionally.

There is probably more design in these people's lives that you're aware of; some careful long term planning done gently over the course of previous years, rather than just landing in a random situation with whoever happened to show up, and having the ability to miraculously be fine with the unpleasant unexpected surprises that come with poor planning.

I'm one of those people and I can tell you... it's simply a case of being born an inherent optimist. You either a glass-half-full person, or a glass-half-empty person.

I enjoy all the little things and genuinely do love life, even though, on paper, my life is shitty. I've achieved nothing career wise, I'm a crap mum, my marriage is a shambles etc. I should be in therapy. But instead I'm cheerful, an eternal optimist. It's just in my nature.

I definitely fit into the ‘happy because I don’t overthink stuff’ category.

I don’t work due to chronic health problems and limited mobility but I’m far happier than people who are much richer and healthier than me. I have an excellent quality of life because I appreciate what I do have rather than what I don’t.

@WakeUpLockie my social media is made up almost entirely of people telling jokes, cute animals, music, tv programmes and charity groups. It’s not all bad stuff!

I genuinely think my life would be great if I wasn’t on social media.

I said to someone in RL the other day that if I was my age in the 90s, I would have been a completely different person. And that spoke volumes to me.

Surely it’s mostly circumstances?

You’re married to the love of your life and they dote on you…

You’ve got healthy happy children…

You enjoy your job…

You’ve got no money worries…

You’ve got good friends….

If the above box’s are ticked then you’re bound to be happier than someone who-

Has children that have health issues etc…

Hate their job

Haven’t got any money

Has a partner that’s an arsehole

Get a dog and stay off all social media, even dog social media. They’ll always be a dog with a better jumper than yours.

Appreciation of the small things and living in the now.

Coming out the other side of alcoholism (2+ yrs sober), I just see the joy in everyday life and the small things. In being alive, healthy and content. In having what I need. In the beauty of the world.

@SafferUpNorth

I'm one of those people and I can tell you... it's simply a case of being born an inherent optimist. You either a glass-half-full person, or a glass-half-empty person.

I enjoy all the little things and genuinely do love life, even though, on paper, my life is shitty. I've achieved nothing career wise, I'm a crap mum, my marriage is a shambles etc. I should be in therapy. But instead I'm cheerful, an eternal optimist. It's just in my nature.

This is one way, but not the only way. You are singlehandedly deciding that anybody miserable can't get happy!

i used to be an unhappy person, pessimistic, just miserable and lacking in any hope for change. Then I decided to do things differently; nothing has changed in a practical sense, but I'm happy, and I certainly wasn't born with an innate aptitude for it.

Appreciating what you have and not comparing yourself to others.

Being content with what you have, rather than aspiring for constant excitement.