To send my children to state school?

[chasingkites]

Anyone else went to a top private school themselves and not sending their children to private school?

Both myself and DH went to two of the very best private schools in the country. We're very aware that we've lived in a cushy little privileged bubble- DH works in finance at a firm that pretty much exclusively hires oxbridge graduates and pretty much everyone knows each other.

I've 'only' become a state school teacher (which I genuinely love); a career I'm sure I could have done without my parents spending a fortune on schooling, but am because of it perhaps more aware of some of the advantages my academically selective own school gave to me.

My children are pre primary age currently but we're hoping to move to our 'forever' home soon and, being a teacher, schooling is very high on our list of priorities. In our area the state schools are arguably much better than the private schools, as because the private schools aren't academically selective in any way, and as secondary state schools are outstanding most parents here seem to fight to get their kids into state instead.

There is a town about 40 mins away where the private schools rival some of the best in the country and we could choose to move there, but know no one who lives there (and I would be giving up my 5 minute commute!)

I love the school I teach and do think my dc would thrive there, but as all of my closest friends went to top private schools themselves I worry that in the future when their children all inevitably attend private schools I'll feel like I'm letting my own children down.

Anyone out there who grew up in the private school bubble who sent their own children to state through choice, not because they couldn't afford it?

Yes, I went to a very ‘good’ private school and to be honest I don’t think it did me any particular favours! We sent our kids to state primary and I also work in the state primary system and have no real interest in working in private.

We have sent eldest to private secondary though, and will do for the second one too. Various reasons.

Thank you for replying.

I should clarify- I see absolutely no benefit in private primary- it's secondary school I'm worrying about.

I think going to a state school has so many advantages.
It's free
It allows your children to develop a realistic understanding of the world and their place in it
Many of them are excellent
Even the average ones are usually good enough.

I went to a very bog standard comp and got into a top uni, have a high status job. Going to a state school never held me back in the slightest and I think it has enriched my life.

We both went to very well respected private schools and both had SEN that were completely missed by everyone. As adults we have done ok but have really struggled in many ways and have not achieved in a similar way to our peers at all despite both being extremely intelligent. Had we had more support in our formative years I suspect things may have turned out rather differently. DS has identified and supported SEN (the same as ours in fact) and is going to an inclusive, supportive state school.

@bluejelly

I think going to a state school has so many advantages. It's free It allows your children to develop a realistic understanding of the world and their place in it Many of them are excellent Even the average ones are usually good enough.

I went to a very bog standard comp and got into a top uni, have a high status job. Going to a state school never held me back in the slightest and I think it has enriched my life.

Thank you.

See, this is what I would love for my children.

The reality is that in the outstanding, highly sought after state schools that I teach in, only a small handful of students gain places at oxbridge every year.

At the school I went to about 20% of the year group went to oxbridge.

It just makes me feel like I won't be setting my own children up for the best start in life!

But I also so want to just relax and plan to send them to state school.

I went to a top private school. I am also a teacher, I teach in the private system but primary. My son is at my school but he'll go to a state secondary as it's just too expensive now.
Out of 8 friends from school who have children, only 1 is sending their children private.
If I'm being completely honest, I have struggled coming to terms with the fact my son won't go to a private secondary, but I would rather be around for him and for us to spend time as a family going on holidays, eating out, theatre etc. Things would be too tight to do the things we like to do as a family if we sent him private.
The schools near us are very good but I do still have pangs of guilt that he won't have the education I had.

I think you want to have choices.

For some kids, a state secondary can work brilliantly - for others they don't, but a private school does. So keep your options open.

From your last post, my overriding thought is that it makes me sad for your children that you’ve already decided that going to Oxbridge is so important for them. Perhaps you could let them decide what they want for their own lives?

I was privately educated, but badly bullied, and parents were always working.

DH and I could just about afford to privately educated, but we'd need to be much more careful with money. No more impromptu lunches out. Too be financially secure I'd probably have to work full time to help pay for it.

We've chosen not to. I work part-time. We have no money worries, and our children are very happy at their local state school. I don't think private necessarily leads to a lifetime of success. From my cohorts I can think of one that since school has gone bankrupt twice, another has a drug addiction and a third developed bulimia at university.

Follow your gut.

DH and I both went to middling private schools. Can't afford private for ours without a major scholarship. We chose our location for decent state schools.

Very few of our friends' kids will be going private and those that are are due to being tied to areas where the state schools are pretty limited (rural south west).

You can always change - I was dead set on state all the way.
Eldest was failing so badly in his state primary, his health was not great lot of bullying, he was a shadow and we did what I always swore I would not - moved him private.
Best decision emotionally for him - he grew and was happy. Academically he did ok but happy child beat academic brilliance.
Come secondary - he has gone private and when you get it right you know you have- thriving, flying academically in a way he never had - confident happy child.

Second followed eldest into private primary - now in state secondary - suits them, happy thriving child.

Be prepared to adapt to the child - not your beliefs. Eldest would shrivel in state school that youngest goes to.
One size does not fit all

I wouldn't worry about secondary school at this point. See how they develop, what sort of kids they turn out to be and then make a decision from there.

It's a tough one.

I'm guessing you and your DH are Benenden / Harrow types?

We are similar, although i grew up abroad.

We are thinking State till 8 for our DC. There's an unbelievably fantastic state primary near us, looks and feels like a private school, and it would be silly throwing away £20k a year (per child) on private school for early years when we have such a great alternative near us.

I went to a private secondary. Left 19 years ago...it now costs more per term than it did per year when I was there! We just cant afford it...it is what it is although I'm sad that I can't provide for my DC what my parents provided for me but have cone to terms with it. Having said that my sibling did very well although to most people I have probably "wasted" my education!

@HairyToity

I was privately educated, but badly bullied, and parents were always working.

DH and I could just about afford to privately educated, but we'd need to be much more careful with money. No more impromptu lunches out. Too be financially secure I'd probably have to work full time to help pay for it.

We've chosen not to. I work part-time. We have no money worries, and our children are very happy at their local state school. I don't think private necessarily leads to a lifetime of success. From my cohorts I can think of one that since school has gone bankrupt twice, another has a drug addiction and a third developed bulimia at university.

Follow your gut.

I'm not sure developing bulimia has anything to do with this

@canyoutoleratethis

From your last post, my overriding thought is that it makes me sad for your children that you’ve already decided that going to Oxbridge is so important for them. Perhaps you could let them decide what they want for their own lives?

I agree with this, the fact that you think not going to Oxbridge is in anyway something deficient in anyone's life does indicate a remarkably blinkered view of the world that only someone who was educated in a tiny unrealistic bubble would have.

Over 1/2 a million children born in the UK every year do really think that all but the few thousand who go to Oxbridge have been let down by their parents?

Just adding to this, both of my DC go to a small, mediocre state primary. They’re still happy and thriving, doing very well for their ages etc. We top up with a few extra curricular activities ourselves.

Ask yourself if you're really worried about "letting them down" (you're not) as much as you might be worried about keeping up with the Joneses?

Wherever they go, if they're going to do well, they'll do well. They'll make their own choices about what they'll do after school of their own accord.

There's nothing unreasonable about wanting the best things for your children, but you've already said in your original post, private is a privileged and closed bubble which does not give people a realistic view of the world, and not necessarily best. So what is your worry really about?

Having the funds for private gives you he luxury of choice. When they are at the appropriate age, look at the various options and chose what is best for them.

I'm very happy with the state school my 10yo most likely will be attending next year. I'm ot sure the local private school,good as it is, would be best for her.. she has some additional needs and the vocational courses could be perfect for her.

I was privately educated , my background was modest though and I was bullied . My children are both in state secondary - though one is in a selective school . My preference was always that they meet children from all walks of life and learn to get on with anyone . So far I’m happy that we’ve made the right call

@canyoutoleratethis

From your last post, my overriding thought is that it makes me sad for your children that you’ve already decided that going to Oxbridge is so important for them. Perhaps you could let them decide what they want for their own lives?

I can see why you would think this from my post, but it's very much not what I meant.

It's merely a basic indicator of the advantage given to those at private schools. I didn't even apply to either Oxford or Cambridge myself as the course I wanted to do wasn't taught in the right way for me there ( I started off doing a medicine degree), and my siblings were miserable at Oxford, but there's no doubt that attending oxbridge and other similar unis gave my husband, friends and peers huge advantages in their careers, and they had a much higher chance of doing so because of the schools they attended.

Having said that, my own school was horrendously closed minded, had a horrible way of promoting eating disorders and was of course very expensive!

I suppose it's just hard to break out of the mould of doing what my family did for me, especially when I know we can comfortably afford it.

Personally I think if you've got a good state option then go for that! My siblings went to a mix of state and private schools and I don't think it's affected our lives at all. We just went to the schools that were right for us at the time. If you've got the money think as a child of yours I would rather you sent me to a state school and then saved the money to help with a house deposit plus go on nice holidays each year.

If your child is an oxbridge type then I'm sure they'll be able to go there regardless of which school they went to

Sounds like you're fortunate in your local state schools and your children will likely thrive in them.

One good thing about being able to afford private (even at a push) even if you decide to go the state route is that it gives you choices. So never say never. If you have a child who is bullied or for whom their state school just isn't working for some reason, that's the point at which you might be glad you can move them private.

"We're very aware"

No you're not

I went to one of the top day schools in the country. My DH Went to a middling private school. My children went to prep and then state secondary. I have absolutely no regrets whatsoever. Their school was / is one of the top comprehensives in the country. This did make the decision easier but I think it’s the best thing we did for them: they’ve had a brilliant academic education and what they missed out on in sport drama and music they made up for in the wonderful ethos of the school which is all about doling the best they can and being a good person and giving back to the community . The eldest had at least as good A level results as his privately educated peers and the others are on track for the same. They have the same aspiration as their friends from private and are studying the same subjects at the same universities. No regrets whatsoever. We could afford fees but simply couldn’t see That we could get £150k of added value by paying