To send my children to state school?

[chasingkites]

Anyone else went to a top private school themselves and not sending their children to private school?

Both myself and DH went to two of the very best private schools in the country. We're very aware that we've lived in a cushy little privileged bubble- DH works in finance at a firm that pretty much exclusively hires oxbridge graduates and pretty much everyone knows each other.

I've 'only' become a state school teacher (which I genuinely love); a career I'm sure I could have done without my parents spending a fortune on schooling, but am because of it perhaps more aware of some of the advantages my academically selective own school gave to me.

My children are pre primary age currently but we're hoping to move to our 'forever' home soon and, being a teacher, schooling is very high on our list of priorities. In our area the state schools are arguably much better than the private schools, as because the private schools aren't academically selective in any way, and as secondary state schools are outstanding most parents here seem to fight to get their kids into state instead.

There is a town about 40 mins away where the private schools rival some of the best in the country and we could choose to move there, but know no one who lives there (and I would be giving up my 5 minute commute!)

I love the school I teach and do think my dc would thrive there, but as all of my closest friends went to top private schools themselves I worry that in the future when their children all inevitably attend private schools I'll feel like I'm letting my own children down.

Anyone out there who grew up in the private school bubble who sent their own children to state through choice, not because they couldn't afford it?

And yes OP, I have sent my children to state through choice. It came down to a similar choice, logistics and DD has ASD and the state provision and support are far better than any independents I could see.

We may consider boarding for DS at sixth form, but he's thriving socially and academically. He has tutors for maths and English to pick up any gaps.

Having navigated the state system it has its frustrations but ultimately I think it's made them much more balanced and resourceful. I'm glad we chose this route.

A walkable primary is perfect for making local friends which often turn into teenage friends even when at different secondaries. The joy of having friends on your doorstep cannot be discounted.

I completely understand where you are coming from. DH and I both boarded at good private schools, but have sent ours through state.

I felt SO guilty for ages, but we have 4 children and fees are just so much higher now. We did put my eldest in for a scholarship at the excellent prep, which he won, but we ended up turning down. I did some ringing round of current and past parents, one of whom had pulled their child out because she felt the privilege was damaging, eg her DD (genuinely) came home one day saying "why don't we have a helicopter, everyone has one", and I knew that wasn't what we wanted.

So, we are extremely lucky to live in a town with excellent grammars and comps, but all 4 of mine are in grammar schools and I don't really see what else we would be paying for. The DSs play rugby against top private schools, fence, had a myriad of foreign trip opportunities (pre Covid), hundreds of clubs, music, drama, committed and excellent teachers, and DS1 had an Imperial interview last week and is waiting to see if he will have one for Cambridge.

We have had more money to travel, or pay for extra curricular things, and I was able to be a SAHM until all of them started at secondary, a luxury I could never have afforded if we were paying 4x fees. I acknowledge that my education and qualifications have allowed me to walk back into a part time job now (albeit earning significantly less than I did!), but I wouldn't have changed anything. My children are FAR more rounded than I was at their ages - I thought everyone lived in big houses with ponies and pools because that's what everyone I knew did....

If you have good state options, then I would start them there and move them if you need to as you are lucky to have that luxury of choice. Not many do!

Thank you for all of your responses- will have a read through now.

@Saltyquiche

A walkable primary is perfect for making local friends which often turn into teenage friends even when at different secondaries. The joy of having friends on your doorstep cannot be discounted.

Yes- we'll definitely be going state for primary. It's secondary I'm pondering over.

@Panicmode1

I completely understand where you are coming from. DH and I both boarded at good private schools, but have sent ours through state.

I felt SO guilty for ages, but we have 4 children and fees are just so much higher now. We did put my eldest in for a scholarship at the excellent prep, which he won, but we ended up turning down. I did some ringing round of current and past parents, one of whom had pulled their child out because she felt the privilege was damaging, eg her DD (genuinely) came home one day saying "why don't we have a helicopter, everyone has one", and I knew that wasn't what we wanted.

So, we are extremely lucky to live in a town with excellent grammars and comps, but all 4 of mine are in grammar schools and I don't really see what else we would be paying for. The DSs play rugby against top private schools, fence, had a myriad of foreign trip opportunities (pre Covid), hundreds of clubs, music, drama, committed and excellent teachers, and DS1 had an Imperial interview last week and is waiting to see if he will have one for Cambridge.

We have had more money to travel, or pay for extra curricular things, and I was able to be a SAHM until all of them started at secondary, a luxury I could never have afforded if we were paying 4x fees. I acknowledge that my education and qualifications have allowed me to walk back into a part time job now (albeit earning significantly less than I did!), but I wouldn't have changed anything. My children are FAR more rounded than I was at their ages - I thought everyone lived in big houses with ponies and pools because that's what everyone I knew did....

If you have good state options, then I would start them there and move them if you need to as you are lucky to have that luxury of choice. Not many do!

This is really helpful and reassuring, thank you.

Most comps have to be super strict in order to keep order so the children are treated like they aren’t really civilised… this is different to the private system.

I think this sums up nicely the difference between private and state secondary. I don’t think it’s what the parents can cope with. It’s what the kids can cope with. My dd wasn’t thriving at state secondary and it took her until she was 13 to see just how bad it was. She needs nurturing education. She wouldn’t entertain changing to private school before that and she’s now in a small private school. I’m well aware the school isn’t an exam factory. But that isn’t what she needs. She needs breathing space to reach her potential, not to be pushed too much. The culture shock was enough without that.

Yes it is great to send your child to state school so that they have local friends. The difficulty happens in secondary. I went to a crap state school despite my to my parents shame as they were very able to afford private. I also did not thrive as I am too sensitive.

I wanted to go to private school. My dd did not. She wanted to be with her friends. I also know other parents, who would happily send their children to private school but the children are refusing as they went to state primary and want to be with their mates. I told dd she would go to private secondary school but by this age, you can no longer influence their lives to this degree.

Your dc may be lucky enough to get a great state school. Not all of them are sprawling 1500+ students. The smaller state schools are less strict.

If you teach at primary level, you have no idea what a state secondary school is like and if you teach at primary level, you really don’t know your privilege. Being treated as barely human for 5+ years for some is too much to bear. I have serious lasting damage from my time at secondary and I’m in my 50s.

@Mummyoflittledragon

Most comps have to be super strict in order to keep order so the children are treated like they aren’t really civilised… this is different to the private system.

I think this sums up nicely the difference between private and state secondary. I don’t think it’s what the parents can cope with. It’s what the kids can cope with. My dd wasn’t thriving at state secondary and it took her until she was 13 to see just how bad it was. She needs nurturing education. She wouldn’t entertain changing to private school before that and she’s now in a small private school. I’m well aware the school isn’t an exam factory. But that isn’t what she needs. She needs breathing space to reach her potential, not to be pushed too much. The culture shock was enough without that.

Yes it is great to send your child to state school so that they have local friends. The difficulty happens in secondary. I went to a crap state school despite my to my parents shame as they were very able to afford private. I also did not thrive as I am too sensitive.

I wanted to go to private school. My dd did not. She wanted to be with her friends. I also know other parents, who would happily send their children to private school but the children are refusing as they went to state primary and want to be with their mates. I told dd she would go to private secondary school but by this age, you can no longer influence their lives to this degree.

Your dc may be lucky enough to get a great state school. Not all of them are sprawling 1500+ students. The smaller state schools are less strict.

If you teach at primary level, you have no idea what a state secondary school is like and if you teach at primary level, you really don’t know your privilege. Being treated as barely human for 5+ years for some is too much to bear. I have serious lasting damage from my time at secondary and I’m in my 50s.

I'm sorry you experienced that. I teach at secondary and have taught in a very broad range of schools- so I am very very aware of what some secondaries can be like.

Thank you. It’s good you teach at secondary. You’ll know what to look out for then. Both in your child(ren) and in prospective schools.

@user1477391263

as all of my closest friends went to top private schools themselves I worry that in the future when their children all inevitably attend private schools I'll feel like I'm letting my own children down

Have you asked your friends about this, though, and have they said that they are actually going to do this? Have they actually looked at the fees for private schools these days?

I don't know your situation, but it's likely that most of your friends are going to be in the same situation as you for similar reasons. The costs of education and housing have increased massively in the past generation. Given much higher school fees and the increased need to provide a housing deposit for each offspring, a very high % of former private school students will be choosing the state route.

The ones I have spoken to are planning on going private, yes. I'm a bit of the odd one out amongst my friends with my teachers salary as everyone on else is on £100k plus each, with many of them earning much, much more than that. So they can afford private still.

If the decision is a number of years away then maybe see how primary goes over the next few years. It is (rightly) getting harder to get into Oxbridge from a more privileged school so I would not be factoring that into my decisions, also Oxbridge may not suit your child.

You will only be letting your children down if it is the wrong school for them. If you are concerned what your friends might think then maybe time to reconsider your friendship groups and diversify out of your bubble. State schools around where I live are excellent, no need to look further but in other parts of the country provision is very poor so maybe we would have considered it. Interestingly it is dh who is more pro private and grammars because his comp was awful.

I went to a private primary school and the private boarding school. Both of my dc will be going to state primary, because quite simply we can’t afford anything else. I also became a teacher and my DH has a good job but we have nowhere near the income needed now to send both kids to private school. I do feel bad for them at times but to be honest my private education hasn’t helped me as much as it may have done others. I don’t keep in touch with many people and in reality I was boarding to make my parents life easier.

It really is a first world problem.

Do you look down on your students’ parents for letting their DC down by sending them state?

Meanwhile, in the rest of the world, the vast majority of people send their D.C. to state without such navel gazing.

Definitely keep your options open. We had a period when my employer would have paid if we had chosen private. We chose state. Private would have meant we were shackled as we couldnt afford private on our own.

State meant that when I was unexpectedly made redundant the DCs didnt have to change school suddenly.

Personally I prefer extra curricular activities which are not school based. Our county has an excellent music service which runs Saturday music and theatre schools with attendees coming from all the local schools. We have local cadet organisations which attract in students from the across the local schools.

Being non school based my DCs were able to develop a different group of friends which took the pressure off school friendship groups.

Our local schools are all pretty poor. Nothing to do with being a difficult area just decades of poor management. However DCs have achieved good exam grades. They all learned to study independently.

From what I have seen and DCs have described (they are all now young adults) private school can mean that all academic potential is realised. This can be good and bad. Come university there will be students who have had to be coached and tutored to the required grades sitting next to students who have got there purely on their own study efforts with no extra help.

DD2 now in 3rd year of a physics degree has commented that the heavily tutored/coached students are brilliant in familiar topics but really struggle when the work is unfamiliar. They are not used to having to work it out for themselves.

This "heavily tutored to get in and then struggling" myth hasn't been my experience of reality at all and almost all my friends' and colleagues' kids are or have been in private education.

The most difficult part about an elite institution (in particular a university) is getting in. Once you're in, it's actually no different to any other institution in terms of the difficulty of exams

To add, my own daughter is being privately educated and so have members of my family. It remains to be seen about my daughter, as she's still in year 7, but all members of my immediate family (including myself) have degrees from so-called elite universities in the UK and abroad, and can most certainly confirm that the most difficult part was to gain entrance

I'd forget the labels state and private, look at the schools themselves and consider your children's temperament. Because that's what really matters.
My ds went to a small state primary. He loves maths and physics and dislikes sport. He was called a nerd and excluded by his class colleagues.
The local state senior is a sports academy and he was dreading it. He hated the taster days. So I sent him to a small independent. It means getting up early but he's happy, thriving, and getting better at sport.
Forget the labels and the politics. If you can afford it, choose what suits your children as individuals

I have experience of both and I'd go private.

Mummyoflittledragon, all kids 'need' nurturing education

I think going to state school gives bright kids a bit of 'edge'.

Out of my Uni friends, the two who have earned the most money are female and went to state schools. They both married men who went to state schools too.

However, they have chosen to send their kids to private schools, maybe because they can afford it and felt they should, I don't know.

My ds goes to a very deprived secondary. He is really clever and the sort of kid who enjoys learning about physics in his spare time. We had no choice about his school, our personal circumstances means we live in a deprived area and that was that.

My son is 14 and will most likely do well because he's smart. But he will also have the drive and determination that comes with having to crack on in a tough environment.

I went to a top private school (not in the UK) and had an extremely positive experience there. This led to a successful career. We also sent my stepdaughters to private school (in the UK). They were not eligible for state school in any case, but I would have sent them privately anyway. They also had positive experiences and are also doing very well. I would generally advocate for private if you can manage it.

People often say that going to a private school gives you confidence. But I wonder if coming from a well-off background gives you that confidence anyway. And if you have the money you can pay for extra-curricular activities that improve your child's life and career prospects.

I know people who've had money thrown at their education and aren't at better universities than my ds is.

However, I live in an area with decent state schools and sixth form colleges and I might have made different choices for my ds if we lived in an area where the state schools weren't that great. It is a commitment though and you can only pay privte school fees if you can be fairly sure your job will be safe for the duration, unless you have the money in the bank.

@GnomeDePlume

Definitely keep your options open. We had a period when my employer would have paid if we had chosen private. We chose state. Private would have meant we were shackled as we couldnt afford private on our own.

State meant that when I was unexpectedly made redundant the DCs didnt have to change school suddenly.

Personally I prefer extra curricular activities which are not school based. Our county has an excellent music service which runs Saturday music and theatre schools with attendees coming from all the local schools. We have local cadet organisations which attract in students from the across the local schools.

Being non school based my DCs were able to develop a different group of friends which took the pressure off school friendship groups.

Our local schools are all pretty poor. Nothing to do with being a difficult area just decades of poor management. However DCs have achieved good exam grades. They all learned to study independently.

From what I have seen and DCs have described (they are all now young adults) private school can mean that all academic potential is realised. This can be good and bad. Come university there will be students who have had to be coached and tutored to the required grades sitting next to students who have got there purely on their own study efforts with no extra help.

DD2 now in 3rd year of a physics degree has commented that the heavily tutored/coached students are brilliant in familiar topics but really struggle when the work is unfamiliar. They are not used to having to work it out for themselves.

I think I was trying to say this ^

My ds doesn't get the stretch he enjoys at school so he comes home and finds out more.

I also have two other dc, one at a special secondary and another at a primary who really struggles academically, so I really do think a lot of 'success' is down to the actual child.

Ds3 isn't academic but is likely to be a bmx rider so no need for school anyway

@ColinTheKoala My family doesn't come from money and my younger brother's private education was paid for by someone's benevolence. Granted, almost all his school friends were from very wealthy backgrounds, but he wasn't and nevertheless the school had been an incredibly positive experience for him and he had gone on to do incredible things career wise (and he had only just turned 26). Good private schools definitely give their pupils confidence

Apologies gor all the typos. Has instead of had everywhere*