To send my children to state school?

[chasingkites]

Anyone else went to a top private school themselves and not sending their children to private school?

Both myself and DH went to two of the very best private schools in the country. We're very aware that we've lived in a cushy little privileged bubble- DH works in finance at a firm that pretty much exclusively hires oxbridge graduates and pretty much everyone knows each other.

I've 'only' become a state school teacher (which I genuinely love); a career I'm sure I could have done without my parents spending a fortune on schooling, but am because of it perhaps more aware of some of the advantages my academically selective own school gave to me.

My children are pre primary age currently but we're hoping to move to our 'forever' home soon and, being a teacher, schooling is very high on our list of priorities. In our area the state schools are arguably much better than the private schools, as because the private schools aren't academically selective in any way, and as secondary state schools are outstanding most parents here seem to fight to get their kids into state instead.

There is a town about 40 mins away where the private schools rival some of the best in the country and we could choose to move there, but know no one who lives there (and I would be giving up my 5 minute commute!)

I love the school I teach and do think my dc would thrive there, but as all of my closest friends went to top private schools themselves I worry that in the future when their children all inevitably attend private schools I'll feel like I'm letting my own children down.

Anyone out there who grew up in the private school bubble who sent their own children to state through choice, not because they couldn't afford it?

Hi,
Yes I went to a private prep school and secondary school. My kids will be going to state primary for jaut the reason you outline - they're known to be much better than the the preps around here.
I hope they both get into the local grammars here for secondary, as I believe they give you the best of both worlds.

I started out in private and then major life things happened and the private school could not support me. I changed to a state and stayed all the way went to university had a good career etc. DH went to private all the way through and I can see he had so many other facilities extra curricular school based activities. For our dc we were very set on the local amazing state however in a large group dc gets lost very quickly and benefits from more smaller groups so he is in private. I’d say it’s very much about whats right for the child, what are the facilities of the schools around you and whether you can afford to make a choice.

It depends very much on the individual child and the best fit of school for them.

I went to private and I think it stopped me being "lost". I was academic but a terrible daydreamer , much later diagnosed with inattentive type ADHD (it would not have been picked up in the 1980s). The small class sizes and push to achieve helped carry me.

My husband went to public school as a boarder. Felt indifferent about it and does not feel it gave him any advantages.

My eldest has ASD and ADHD and though we looked at private there was nothing in our area that catered for those additional needs. He got really good support at state secondary. Now doing A levels which I thought would not happen.

Youngest I think might thrive in private (very able, no SEN but prone to be a bit naughty) but she's still quite little so we shall see.

Good luck with your choice.

@Threebecomesfour

Hi, Yes I went to a private prep school and secondary school. My kids will be going to state primary for jaut the reason you outline - they're known to be much better than the the preps around here. I hope they both get into the local grammars here for secondary, as I believe they give you the best of both worlds.

We don't have grammars around here- which is I think why the local state secondaries do so well (that and the fact that the v local private secondaries are a bit rubbish).

@ColinTheKoala

People often say that going to a private school gives you confidence. But I wonder if coming from a well-off background gives you that confidence anyway. And if you have the money you can pay for extra-curricular activities that improve your child's life and career prospects.

I know people who've had money thrown at their education and aren't at better universities than my ds is.

However, I live in an area with decent state schools and sixth form colleges and I might have made different choices for my ds if we lived in an area where the state schools weren't that great. It is a commitment though and you can only pay privte school fees if you can be fairly sure your job will be safe for the duration, unless you have the money in the bank.

I went to private school and it definitely did not help me with my confidence sadly. Whereas I see some fabulously confident students I teach at work.

We dont have grammars and the state schools are generally pretty mediocre with few exceptions. This also means that a lot of the private schools get a way with only being a bit better than the state schools.

This mediocrity means that for students to do well they have to be self motivated and supported at home. The support from home means giving space and time for homework. Encouraging students to do well, behave in class etc.

As a parent one of the things I am most proud of in relation to my DCs' school years is that none of them had a single detention throughout their school careers. This means that they turned up every day with homework done, in the correct uniform and didnt muck about in class.

All three achieved differently at school according to their abilities. I think they would possibly have done better in terms of grades if they had gone private but we couldnt afford it so that was that.

I dont think many parents will be honest enough to say that they wasted their money sending their DCs to private school. Though, of my acquaintances, I do wonder if a few think that privately.

My brother and I went to expensive private schools. I have to say they did nothing for either of us. Private wasn't an option for my children but I have no regrets. I am in awe of the quality of education they have received. My eldest is now at university. Both have done very well at state schools.

Hard one I’d say private - having used excellent versions in each sector that I am really happy with.

But for the commute etc. So now maybe state due to that.

Another thing worth mentioning is how much time you have to take your dc to various activities. One thing that has been good in private school is everything being under one roof. Our prep runs 7am-7:30pm and has breakfast lunch and dinner available, plus boarding if you want it.
This has been a god send for being able to work and not worry about leaving early etc although with wfh some people won't need this anymore. Our school has gardening, cookery classes, sports, swimming clubs, drama music etc all high quality and included in the fees. Some classes you pay extra for but they are generally things like graded ballet classes so I don't pay for them and there's always a 'free' alternative.

Again if you have the luxury of more time on your hands to take dc to and from activities this is fine without private school and most activities are available outside. Even teenagers need driving places for activities sometimes.

State v private is subjective depending on where you live. State schools in this country are not equally funded, some are selective etc. You are still buying privilege if you buy a house in an expensive area because of the school, however some people don't seem to recognise that inequality and think they are morally better than those choosing private when they're not. Your children are unlikely to be mixing with all walks of life in that situation, they are still in a bubble.

I'd say do what is best for your children as they grow older, whatever that may be. If you are in the fortunate position of having choices, then keep an open mind.

We live in a rural county and all the state secondary schools local to us are true comprehensives. No selective options. Historically underfunded too. I have worked as a teacher in two of them and behaviour was challenging in many classes and opportunities limited compared to many state schools in other parts of the country. Hardly any extra-curricular clubs, very limited sports teams, narrow horizons, overstretched budgets. Locally they only go to 16 as well so DC have to move to college for ages 16-18.

If you live in an area with great state schools then you have less of a dilemma. I'm also lucky that we have the choice of private for our DC and they are thriving in excellent schools, but again, not all private schools are the same, so it really depends what you have near you. Our DC started off in our local state primary but we wanted more challenge and smaller classes in the end, despite 'best intentions.' I'm also happier that they will stay in their private secondary school until 18 rather than having to move.

You will still have the absolute privilege of the best education money can buy as back up.
Your problem is cultural. How will you deal with the criticism from others? What if your children don't get multiple a stars? What if they could have?
There are no guarantees in this life.

Send them to state, they'll come out more rounded and less entitled

My mum went to private school and was adamant that we weren't going due to her experiences of it. Where I grew up the closest 3 secondaries were all private.

My DH also went to private school and again hated it so doesn't want to send DS. We live rurally though so it's choice of the local academy for secondary or private.

We are a long way off but have agreed that if DS isn't being challenged by the work, cruising or playing up in state school setting then we will re-examine it.
We have no idea how he will be by that age but DH went to private school because he basically would finish the work in a quarter of time and then played up as he was bored.

The problem is that we can all come up with anecdata of 'my child......'. There is no opportunity to double blind test. All you can do is make sure you are aware of your options and really look at your own inbuilt prejudices and attitudes and test them against your options.

My biggest fear was what would happen if for whatever reason we ran out of funds. To me the idea of having settled DCs into one environment then having to move them to another environment at short notice was awful. Better to start in the environment which I knew we could afford no matter what.

Our local private school fees are £10k/year in early primary rising to £16k/year in 6th Form. The multiple child discount is 10% for 3rd child & 25% for 4th child. The discount is only on the fees of the youngest child. Individual music lessons, wrap around care, bus etc are all additional costs.

Dh and I are state educated, abroad though. We moved to the UK and did lots and lots of research and then decided based on the child we have. We opted for private. I do think the private route offers greater opportunities at school. I compare to all the event days at our school, extra activities and I feel it's worth it. It also depends on your child.

How fortunate am I that I don’t have to worry about such an issue. I can’t afford private school fees however I am compatibly well off compared to most others at my children’s school. Many families struggle to feed and clothe their children.

My SIL went to a top private school but has decided on state schooling for my nephews. She feels that while her school gave her many opportunities it did not give her a real view of the world.

I don't know if she feels she is letting them down, because frankly that's too personal a question for me to ask! If she does she seems to have come to terms with it.

Good luck whatever you decide. I'm sure supportive parents is what really counts in the long run

@chasingkites "Don't personally ever agree with the 'facilities' argument for private schools though. A fancy school theatre, swimming pool or astroturf doesn't make for a well rounded person 😂 All of those things can be easily provided outside of school hours. I find parents who say they're going private for the facilities a bit disingenuous."

I think this is only true for "time-rich" parents. If you're a dual career couple that work long hours, it's highly impractical and just not possible for your kids to easily get exposure to a wide a range of clubs, societies & extra-curricular lessons. So yes, for those falling into that category many would rather pay for these types of opportunities and facilities...

Lol. 🙄🤦‍♀️

Choose the school that suits your DC and your family life, nobody else’s. Be thorough with your research. Having the means for private school is a privilege but definitely not the only reason to choose it, that should be quite far down your list if its on there at all.