To send my children to state school?

[chasingkites]

Anyone else went to a top private school themselves and not sending their children to private school?

Both myself and DH went to two of the very best private schools in the country. We're very aware that we've lived in a cushy little privileged bubble- DH works in finance at a firm that pretty much exclusively hires oxbridge graduates and pretty much everyone knows each other.

I've 'only' become a state school teacher (which I genuinely love); a career I'm sure I could have done without my parents spending a fortune on schooling, but am because of it perhaps more aware of some of the advantages my academically selective own school gave to me.

My children are pre primary age currently but we're hoping to move to our 'forever' home soon and, being a teacher, schooling is very high on our list of priorities. In our area the state schools are arguably much better than the private schools, as because the private schools aren't academically selective in any way, and as secondary state schools are outstanding most parents here seem to fight to get their kids into state instead.

There is a town about 40 mins away where the private schools rival some of the best in the country and we could choose to move there, but know no one who lives there (and I would be giving up my 5 minute commute!)

I love the school I teach and do think my dc would thrive there, but as all of my closest friends went to top private schools themselves I worry that in the future when their children all inevitably attend private schools I'll feel like I'm letting my own children down.

Anyone out there who grew up in the private school bubble who sent their own children to state through choice, not because they couldn't afford it?

Fair enough, OP, I admire your honesty!

There's so much more to life than private school. I don't mean this cruelly, but I find your post quite sad. That you have experience as a teacher in a state school, admit that you have great provision around you. But STILL think your child needs private school.

You're in the bubble. The horrible, elitist, discriminatory, exploitative bubble.

It sounds like you both need to broaden the circles around you and get some perspective. Allowing your children a true perspective will be one of the best gifts you can give your children.

@randomsabreuse @chasingkites well I will be sure to tell that to my DC as I am sure they really care considering they are able to access all those things in the most convenient way and I am sure I care considering I don’t have to spend my time chasing around from place to place meaning that we can actually spend tome together doing family stuff: today we went swimming (for fun), made chutney and played in the garden. Yup, really miss that chasing around…

I went private but our 2 are in state. Their state school is much better than my private, with many more opportunities and a greater range of extracurriculars. My private pretty much only had orchestra/choir, drama and netball/hockey. My children's state has over 100 different clubs at various times of the year, do more outings and offer a wider range of subjects.

Private doesn't always mean better.

@TreborBore

The world has changed since we were children. As white collar professions are diminished by AI, it’s increasingly going to be people with excellent soft skills who succeed. Learning to interface with people from all sorts of backgrounds has never been more important.

If you have the budget for private school you can fund extracurricular activities that might not be an option in the state sector.

A state school doesn't necessarily teach you that. A lot of states in 'naice' areas have a high enough concentration of MC parents such that kids can stay in their own little bubble. There may be people from other backgrounds there but in the fringes. Equally if you're in a deprived area and so is everyone else... not exactly various backgrounds is it? It's really school + child specific.

Also OP if your state schools are that good and parents 'fight' to get their kids in it's presumably going to be full of privileged people anyway. Save your money.
I'm in a grammar school area and the demographic is very much MC. Parents pay through the nose to buy houses in the catchment area. Hardly a 'deprived' child in sight. Lots of activities etc funded by parents.

If you're 'lucky' enough to be in such an area why pay for private?

With private you're buying access to a club, not an education. That's the choice.

When I look at my circle of friends, the ones who have the happiest lives (doing well in jobs they enjoy, long-term stable relationships, hobbies and interests outside work that bring them joy) went to state schools and had involved, supportive parents. A higher proportion of the privately educated ones have more prestigious careers, but they seem more driven to be seen as successful, at the cost of their own happiness.

I went to a v good private school (similar oxbridge numbers as OP’s) - and enjoyed it. DH went to an average-good state school and v good state 6th form college. We could possibly afford a few years for our kids at private school - my parents would be happy to contribute and think we are odd not to want it.

My reasons are: private school costs have dramatically increased since I was there; there would be the opportunity costs (eg being able to contribute to a house deposit for the kids, or being able to travel with them). Sometimes oxbridge will (reasonably) expect higher grades from private school pupils. Oxbridge isn’t the be-all for earning potential - multiple ways of achieving this if that is the path they want to take.

We home educate - with help from both sets of grandparents. DH is actually less keen on the kids going to secondary school (state) than me - he felt he wasn’t challenged at school and kids messed around in lessons. I think it’s good to have the social experience and we can supplement the academic side (if required) at home or with tutors etc. I don’t feel private school was wasted - I feel confident to support my kids’ learning at home - they’re both ahead of their school age group academically and I’m teaching the older one Latin.

My DH and I both went to pretty posh private schools as borders. Both of us were adamant that out children would not board and we've sent them to state primary and secondary schools. The secondary school is not particularly high achieving - just bog standard comps. I work in state education and strongly felt that a state school should be able to provide an good education for my children. It would also give them a breadth of experience that I know I didn't get at my exclusive private school. I also felt that if there were things the state school were not doing well, i could pay for back up with the £17k /year I was saving on not paying for private. (So we paid for a French tutor for example). We also both felt strongly that we wanted our DC to be part of the local community and have friends very close by. This could be achieved through attending state schools. It's worked out well so far with dc1 getting fantastic GCSE results and currently applying to Oxbridge.

I'd keep an open mind - your children are probably too young to really know what would suit them.

We both went to private schools and couldn't really afford independent primary for our DC when we reached that point. I assumed they would then go on to our local comp for secondary - it's just a short walk away. It's become clear as we've headed towards secondary choices that DC1 would love the type of independent secondary that I went to, so we have changed course and hoping to get DC1 into one. It's considerably more travel and obviously more expensive, but it would really suit DC1.

I do know of other comprehensives that have a bit more about them and if we lived in the catchment of one, it would have been more attractive than our local one. Our local one isn't bad, it's just quite small and doesn't offer all of the subjects/extracurriculars that DC1 is interested in.

OP I’m going to be unfashionable here and say it’s in your children’s best interest to send them to private if you can afford it.

I pulled my children our of State primary to go private and they are infinitely happier at private, because:
(A) in state school they felt like weirdos for not having the same interests as the other children in the class (the state demographic near us was pretty narrow and our children were clearly the ‘privileged’ odd ones out who liked different music/sports etc. Being the odd one out is not fun at any age.)
(B) the staff/child ratio meant that unless you’re in a class with zero special needs, the children with special needs dominate the class. Frankly the teacher will ignore your children to focus on others who need them more, and your children will not fulfill their potential. Most state schools have at least 3 special needs children per class.
(C) the private school teaches a much wider range of subjects and at a much higher level.

Just calling it how I’ve seen it. I expect I’m in the minority so I won’t be back to check the thread 🤣

In our area the state schools are arguably much better than the private schools

So essentially you’re paying a housing premium to be in a good solidly middle-class catchment area, rather than outright paying school fees. You get all the advantages AND to pat yourself on the back for going state.

Oh, except that state school place could have gone to (and made a world of difference to) an under privileged DC.

I went to such schools OP, as did my siblings.

Beyond the undoubted educational excellence I don’t think they’re the advantage they were 30 years ago, if anything they can be a disadvantage now.

As the fees have risen way out of proportion to income you have to be a lot wealthier now than when we were there, which creates a weird, unrealistic, super-rich bubble.

My kids go to private. My siblings’ kids go to a mix of private and state. I’d say the main difference is that the state schools, despite being super selective - actually have a wider range of ability and less pressure than the private, in addition to obviously having a wider social mix.

I think if it's earning potential you're worried about, consider the fact that the money you could presumably save for them, if they don't go to private school, could get them on the property ladder much sooner than they could do otherwise, giving them a hell of a lot more financial freedom than most people in their 20s.

If they can attend good / excellent state schools and achieve academically then they will have a wide range of options open to them without the pressure of having to earn big bucks right away, knowing they won't have the huge burden of high rent / mortgages due to the help you would be able to provide them financially.

I would prioritise that if there were plenty of good / excellent state schools nearby.

@Toomuchtoodo

In our area the state schools are arguably much better than the private schools

So essentially you’re paying a housing premium to be in a good solidly middle-class catchment area, rather than outright paying school fees. You get all the advantages AND to pat yourself on the back for going state.

Oh, except that state school place could have gone to (and made a world of difference to) an under privileged DC.

The under privileged child wouldn't have got into the school as their parents can't afford to live in the catchment area.

They could go to any number of other institutions, gain a good degree and an excellent career based on merit.

Or you can buy them priviledge.

there's no doubt that attending oxbridge and other similar unis gave my husband, friends and peers huge advantages in their careers, and they had a much higher chance of doing so because of the schools they attended.

Not even the teaniest bit ashamed by that?

I think your post highlights what a luxury it is when you actually have a choice of good schools vs independent schools only.

Our old local state school had almost entirely non English speaking dc starting each year.
My friend taught there and said it was an absolute nightmare to communicate with them let alone teach because between them they all also spoke various languages amongst themselves effectively separating themselves from each other. She told advised me not to send my dc there because they would never fit in culturally or even risk not having many friends as the language barriers extended to play dates where parents stuck together according to their backgrounds, She also said her teaching was so difficult inevitably the focus was on the dc learning English asap so my dc would do better elsewhere. we ended up in the local prep school. I didn't feel it was much of a choice. The next state school down was an outstanding all singing dancing one so always too full to get a place out of catchment and house prices were insane as a result. Literally all of the dc at our old prep were those who lived in not so great state school catchment areas which says something.

Eventually we moved and by this point (year 2) getting into a decent state school is near impossible so we ended up private again. Now I am looking to move again because I don't like the local state secondary near me except the grammar but the grammar is a no catchment one so dc can still take the test but I don't want to have no backup plan.

Private will definitely be a consideration for us if we don't move and a grammar place doesn't happen. As PP have said it's not about what you want. It's about what's right for your own dc. My dc is bright but also very soft and shy. Sending them to the local comp where dc are regularly seen fighting outside and it has a rather bad rep will be a bit of a disaster imo as well as added stress all round. Sounds like the schools you have to choose between is great but it's not as black and white a decision as some of your posts appear to believe.

Fwiw I went to a grammar, my brother went to a comp and my sister went to a boarding school. I did the best job wise and financially out of the three of us. The outcome ie grades or Oxbridge though isn't necessarily the reason to send your dc to any particular school, it can be as simple as you feel its just a better fit for your dc.

Send your child to a state school by all means but don't bank on the high schools in the catchment area being outstanding by the time you pre schooler gets there. That said my child is performing well in his school thst requires improvement.

Your husband's work place sounds nightmarish. I loved my state school and donhave any experience of the private school system but have met people who are a product of that. Some people ive liked and others not so much but that isn't because they went to a certain school. Hope you make the right choice OP. Im very pro state but don't know anything else!

OP, I've scrolled to the end because my family are a good mixture. Some went to public school. Some to state and some to decent independents.

They've all done as well

Really, outcomes are more to do with input rather than any other factor.

You are a teacher. You should know this.

as all of my closest friends went to top private schools themselves I worry that in the future when their children all inevitably attend private schools I'll feel like I'm letting my own children down

Have you asked your friends about this, though, and have they said that they are actually going to do this? Have they actually looked at the fees for private schools these days?

I don't know your situation, but it's likely that most of your friends are going to be in the same situation as you for similar reasons. The costs of education and housing have increased massively in the past generation. Given much higher school fees and the increased need to provide a housing deposit for each offspring, a very high % of former private school students will be choosing the state route.

I loved my school so much, when I started my first job I opened an investment account so I could start a school fee fund for any future children.

But in your particular situation, you say the state school is better than then nearby private schools, you don't want to move again, you don't want your children to commute, and you won't consider boarding. So, in the nicest possible way, I don't think you really have a dilemma here. The bigger concern for me would be teaching in your children's school, but I appreciate many families make that work just fine.

I would just encourage you to keep an open mind, some people get so caught up the idea of grammar schools, or state vs private, or day vs boarding, that even when they have options they won't choose what is best for their particular child.

Also what does your DH think? Does he feel the same way?