To send my children to state school?

[chasingkites]

Anyone else went to a top private school themselves and not sending their children to private school?

Both myself and DH went to two of the very best private schools in the country. We're very aware that we've lived in a cushy little privileged bubble- DH works in finance at a firm that pretty much exclusively hires oxbridge graduates and pretty much everyone knows each other.

I've 'only' become a state school teacher (which I genuinely love); a career I'm sure I could have done without my parents spending a fortune on schooling, but am because of it perhaps more aware of some of the advantages my academically selective own school gave to me.

My children are pre primary age currently but we're hoping to move to our 'forever' home soon and, being a teacher, schooling is very high on our list of priorities. In our area the state schools are arguably much better than the private schools, as because the private schools aren't academically selective in any way, and as secondary state schools are outstanding most parents here seem to fight to get their kids into state instead.

There is a town about 40 mins away where the private schools rival some of the best in the country and we could choose to move there, but know no one who lives there (and I would be giving up my 5 minute commute!)

I love the school I teach and do think my dc would thrive there, but as all of my closest friends went to top private schools themselves I worry that in the future when their children all inevitably attend private schools I'll feel like I'm letting my own children down.

Anyone out there who grew up in the private school bubble who sent their own children to state through choice, not because they couldn't afford it?

In the nicest possible way, it's not exactly going out on a limb to send your children to a fantastic state school which you know from the inside out as a teacher, and which you say yourself is better than the local private schools. As you obviously know as a teacher, your children will still be immensely privileged compared to the vast majority of state-educated children.

In our area the state schools are arguably much better than the private schools, as because the private schools aren't academically selective in any way, and as secondary state schools are outstanding most parents here seem to fight to get their kids into state instead

It's easy to say "oh, We've decided to send out children to state schools even though we can afford private" when your local schools are "outstanding" and full of well behaved children. 😂

@chasingkites went to private schools, including long journey (school was 30 odd miles but driving into large city/rush hour).

We will be sending DS to a state secondary. He's very bright, and I will ensure I continue to support and facilitate his learning throughout school. We won't select private, because unfortunately racism among staff and students caused a lot of issues for siblings and myself (different private schools).

If you want your children to experience real life, I'd go for state.

I went to a very good private school, got a good education but hated it. Hated the culture, the entitlement, the sneering at children who weren't quite comme il faut.

I now find myself horribly torn. I live in a part of London where the state secondary schools are not great. I know the advantages which private schools give children and the quality of the teaching is far superior. I could just about afford to go private but it would cripple me financially. If I knew it was guaranteed to give my daughter a life-changing advantage I'd do it like a shot but I just don't know if £150k is really worth what could be a fairly incremental difference, particularly as I feel she is likely to do reasonably well without going private.

I also dislike most of what I've learned about the culture of private schools and I know from personal experience that they are often tough for children who don't fit in. And I don't really want my daughter only to grow up surrounded by the children of the rich and privileged. Its really hard to know what the right course of action is.

OP I feel I understand what you're saying, though from a different perspective. I didn't go to private school though I did go to grammar school. I don't have an issue about private school as I'm not comfortable with that system, nor could I ever afford it. My kids are all at the local comp. However my niggle is about holidays abroad - we've never been able to afford this before and are now in a position where we could with some disciplined saving. It's really not a priority for me and DP and I could think of many other ways to spend that money, but I feel bad not providing this (when technically I could) as we had it and my parents valued travel for us. I'm well aware this is a first world problem by the way! So is it a case of feeling uncomfortable that you're not providing something that your parents valued, and that you had - when technically you could??

@TreborBore

The world has changed since we were children. As white collar professions are diminished by AI, it’s increasingly going to be people with excellent soft skills who succeed. Learning to interface with people from all sorts of backgrounds has never been more important.

If you have the budget for private school you can fund extracurricular activities that might not be an option in the state sector.

This is my other big thought.

I recognise the bubble I grew up in and am hoping that in the future it'll be less likely to exist. I want my children to live in a diverse world (only one black student in my school that I can remember). I also don't want my children being told on a regular basis that they are better than others in any way just because of the school they attend.

But at the same time I know I will find it extremely hard to watch my privately educated friends and family sending their children off to the best schools in the country, thinking that I may have in comparison disadvantaged my own children in some way. Because, sadly, in many ways state school children are at a disadvantage still.

I find I can only read most of these posts in a very posh voice, anyone else have the same problem?

Can you say more about how you feel your children could be disadvantaged? Is it that they might not earn as much as if they had been privately educated?

I went to a state school and done well academically for myself . But that’s because I had to work very hard . I believe if I was at a private school I would have achieved even more . I would definitely send my child to a private school so they could reach their top potential. I find most state schools mainly secondary schools to be full of gangs and the kids a lot of the times don’t care about learning. Only a minority of students do and I was one of them

@queenMab99

I find I can only read most of these posts in a very posh voice, anyone else have the same problem?

Yes! And I can't help but add "boo hoo", dunno what that's about.

@FrazzledY9Parent

Can you say more about how you feel your children could be disadvantaged? Is it that they might not earn as much as if they had been privately educated?

Honestly, in part, yes. Their earning potentially will be likely be much greater if they attend a good private school. Any parent that pretends that's not a major factor in sending their own child to private school is most likely lying.

This is important to me, as earning potential presents them with choices, and I want my children to have choices so that they can be happy.

Also though, smaller class sizes and a hard working culture amongst the students are things that helped me to enjoy my latter years in school a lot. I was very academic and painfully shy, as was my husband. The chances are my children may be similar and I do think they would feel more comfortable in that sort of environment.

Going against the grain, but I would always want my kids to go private. As it goes my eldest has SEN and now goes to one of the top private schools in the country because the smaller classes and extra facilities mean that she gets the extra support she needs and make her a more rounded person.

Obviously younger DC will be following in due course

@Mhingmighty

Going against the grain, but I would always want my kids to go private. As it goes my eldest has SEN and now goes to one of the top private schools in the country because the smaller classes and extra facilities mean that she gets the extra support she needs and make her a more rounded person.

Yes I do think if my children turn put to have SEN then I'll probably think much more seriously about private schools- there just isn't the funding needed in state sadly (although I have worked with some absolutely brilliant SENCOs and LSAs in state, it's just that they're so overworked and underfunded)

Your posts make it seem as if exam results are all that matters. Education is more than that - state or otherwise.

@Mhingmighty

Going against the grain, but I would always want my kids to go private. As it goes my eldest has SEN and now goes to one of the top private schools in the country because the smaller classes and extra facilities mean that she gets the extra support she needs and make her a more rounded person.

Don't personally ever agree with the 'facilities' argument for private schools though. A fancy school theatre, swimming pool or astroturf doesn't make for a well rounded person 😂 All of those things can be easily provided outside of school hours. I find parents who say they're going private for the facilities a bit disingenuous.

Re earning potential: I hear what you are saying, and I appreciate your honesty, but that is slightly at odds with your desire to get your kids out of the bubble you grew up in. Isn't part of getting out of that bubble understanding that median UK household income is £29k and it's perfectly possible to be happy living on that - or indeed considerably less?

The plus on private school facilities is that it's a low effort way of getting the activities in without impinging on parental working hours...

@queenMab99

I find I can only read most of these posts in a very posh voice, anyone else have the same problem?

If you have excellent state schools and mediocre private schools in your area, seems a bit of a no-brainer. That's not the choice of most people who go private.

Otherwise it sounds a bit like you want to have your cake and eat it - you want your children to have the social and cultural capital of going to a "diverse" school but you don't want them to expose them to any risk of downward social mobility.

@FrazzledY9Parent

Re earning potential: I hear what you are saying, and I appreciate your honesty, but that is slightly at odds with your desire to get your kids out of the bubble you grew up in. Isn't part of getting out of that bubble understanding that median UK household income is £29k and it's perfectly possible to be happy living on that - or indeed considerably less?

I suppose so, yes. But doing something which in some ways in my view limits my own children feels hard!

I suppose I just want to know if anyone else has come from a similar background and gone the state route with their children and regretted it?

@FrazzledY9Parent

Otherwise it sounds a bit like you want to have your cake and eat it - you want your children to have the social and cultural capital of going to a "diverse" school but you don't want them to expose them to any risk of downward social mobility.

You're right- I do. They're my children and I want the best for them. I might not like owning up to all the entails but I do.

In any case, I have two very young children who aren't sleeping well at the moment so I need to head to bed, but very thankful for all of your opinions and will definitely read through in the morning.

DD is at a state secondary in a disadvantaged area-the plus of that is that they have loads of funding; brilliant teachers and Oxbridge contextualise their offers. Being in an independent school could prove a negative over time, as they are already reducing percentages they will accept from independent schools.

Personally id go with the school that actually suits your child and gives them choices-note gives them choices; not you!