To send my children to state school?

[chasingkites]

Anyone else went to a top private school themselves and not sending their children to private school?

Both myself and DH went to two of the very best private schools in the country. We're very aware that we've lived in a cushy little privileged bubble- DH works in finance at a firm that pretty much exclusively hires oxbridge graduates and pretty much everyone knows each other.

I've 'only' become a state school teacher (which I genuinely love); a career I'm sure I could have done without my parents spending a fortune on schooling, but am because of it perhaps more aware of some of the advantages my academically selective own school gave to me.

My children are pre primary age currently but we're hoping to move to our 'forever' home soon and, being a teacher, schooling is very high on our list of priorities. In our area the state schools are arguably much better than the private schools, as because the private schools aren't academically selective in any way, and as secondary state schools are outstanding most parents here seem to fight to get their kids into state instead.

There is a town about 40 mins away where the private schools rival some of the best in the country and we could choose to move there, but know no one who lives there (and I would be giving up my 5 minute commute!)

I love the school I teach and do think my dc would thrive there, but as all of my closest friends went to top private schools themselves I worry that in the future when their children all inevitably attend private schools I'll feel like I'm letting my own children down.

Anyone out there who grew up in the private school bubble who sent their own children to state through choice, not because they couldn't afford it?

I went to state school all the way through, went to a red brick uni and then law school at Oxford then on to the City to work at a US law firm. Neither parents went to uni. Most pupils at my school who were bright and worked hard ended up in very good jobs and were a well adjusted affable bunch who could mix with all the spectrums of society. The secretaries loved me at work because I was ‘more one of them’ and prioritised my work over those who had been to private school and flung it on their desks to do in an entitled way. I’ve sent my children to state secondary and they are all doing well and in top sets and mixing with lots of different types of kids. Good luck in your decision x

You have the absolute luxury of choice though - funds to send your kids or excellent state that parents are 'fighting' for over the private option. It reminds me of Gove letting us all know his child was going state albeit greycoats. The only secondary in our catchment has a 21% 9-4 English and maths. Obv I am going to pay via fees or either housing to avoid that.

I went to private school which I hated, but I think I would have done badly at a state school because basically I was lazy. Being at a private boarding school meant I HAD to do my prep (homework) and I had to do a certain amount of work. I couldn't afford to send my children to a private school - in fact I could hardly afford to pay for the school bus! I found out afterwards that they had both, but particularly the eldest one, bunked off school a lot and neither of them did particularly well in their GCSEs and neither of them took A levels. They are both bright and have done ok, the younger one in particular has gone on to take vocational qualifications and is doing very well, but I do feel that if I had been able to send them to private schools and if I had not been working split shifts to keep us and had been able to pay more attention they would have had a better start. I feel very guilty - it sounds as if you will have a very good idea of what yours will be doing at school.

DH and I both went to outstanding private schools, all the way through. Our DCs are at state schools. Their London primary was amazing - literally couldn't have asked/ hoped for more. The quality of teaching etc. was better than several of the private schools in the area (those private schools being some of London's most famous/ sought after.) Then we left London, and though the schools are okay, they're not a patch on the school they were at. We're now looking at private for both of them - and they'd both board (which they want to do.) It really depends on the state school. Also, there are some disappointing private schools, so.....

We're similar @chasingkites. I went to one of the top boarding schools, DH went to a slightly lower tier but still good boarding school. Loads of my school friends and a fair few uni friends have gone private. But lots of my local friends wouldn't even consider private & I think that has given me a better comparison. Also although we could afford it in theory, in practice it would be a stress, we're comfortable rather than loaded.

I have a few reasons for not. Firstly we have decent state schools nearby. Dd1 has ended up at the grammar but would have been equally happy for her to go the comp. Secondly I want particularly happy at my school, I don't think the facilities and academic advantages outweighed the lack of pastoral care. Thirdly i felt like a bit of an outsider at school as wasn't from a posh family and didn't do posh things like skiing and riding. I'd prefer my children to grow up in a more mixed environment that better mirrors real life.

I do occasionally feel a twang of guilt that we're giving them "less" in some ways than we had, but they don't seem remotely bothered by it, and I'm sure they'll do fine wherever.

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

Having the funds for private gives you he luxury of choice. When they are at the appropriate age, look at the various options and chose what is best for them.

I'm very happy with the state school my 10yo most likely will be attending next year. I'm ot sure the local private school,good as it is, would be best for her.. she has some additional needs and the vocational courses could be perfect for her.

I think the issue is that I feel our options are limited because the nearest good private schools are at least a 40 minute drive away, and we really don't want to move house again (we're planning to upsize next year).

I also don't want my children having a horrible commute to and from school every day (it's 40 minutes without traffic) and there's no way on earth I'd consider boarding. So it's whether we uproot ourselves from our current location now or not (where the state provision is excellent and we have friends here).

If they’re bright, work hard and have support at home then they’ll do great in a state school and beyond. I went to state schools and then Oxbridge. The culture I had at home - an atmosphere of education and working hard - was critically important.

It’s about your child - not you.
I was privately educated . Our sons went to state school ( fabulous village school)
Our younger son had undiagnosed learning difficulties , state school completely dismissed any possible difficulties , labelling him as ‘ naughty’
His self esteem plummeted.
Moved him to a traditional prep school then to a senior school .
( older son also went there)
Both very different personalities , both thrived in the private sector . State school works for many but not all .
Don’t make too many plans - your child may be very different to the expectations. You choose the school that suits your child .

I was sent to a "good" private school, I loathed it, everything about it, and did not excel. Dc 1 went to state school and did far better than me, and was happier. I didn't have a choice as I was a skint single mum but I will be following suit with dc 2 and 3 even though I am now closer to being able to afford it. We do have 3 excellent state comprehensives within a 30 minute drive/ bus trip though.

@Fuuuuuckit

"We're very aware"

No you're not

Excuse me?

I am very much aware of the privilege I've been given. I've taught in some of the toughest schools in the country which has been a massive eye opener for me. One of the reasons I'm leaning toward sending my own children to state school is because I don't want them growing up in a little bubble as I did.

My siblings and I all went to top private schools and did okay. None of us are high fliers or benefitted particularly. There were high expectations but little encouragement or support. School was just something you had to do. No discussions on university or what happened next. Partly through ignorance (neither of my parents went into further education) and seeming indifference.

My children went to the local school, admittedly with a reputation for being academic, and did very well. Much more emphasis on attitude and approach towards education and seeing it as stepping stones on a path to give you choices and opportunities later.

Exam wise, I don’t think they’d have achieved much better in the private system but am aware of the difference in breadth of knowledge they received and the, potential, lack of networking. But, overall, I think it depends on the child, the school and the parents having a like-minded ethos and realistic expectations.

I’ve taught in both. Just moved from a selective, posh private to a big ‘outstanding’ comp with moderate deprivation. Most comps have to be super strict in order to keep order so the children are treated like they aren’t really civilised...this is different to the private system. It all depends what you can cope with as a parent really.

I moved to the UK then went to a state school in ‘special measures’. I did well academically and it worked for me, but I then hit the private school bubble at university.
My course was hugely dominated by private school pupils, it was like another world and I really struggled to fit in. I also had no awareness of Latin which made me stand out and I didn’t have the same study skills.
Later on they seemed to have training contracts appearing or some family set up, I again felt a bit isolated and struggled. It made me under confident for a while. I don’t think some university routes are easy from a state school, nor are some careers.
After children I also became a teacher. I would still be inclined to steer my children towards university courses with a more diverse mix, though with the same standards academically.

@rainyskylight

If they’re bright, work hard and have support at home then they’ll do great in a state school and beyond. I went to state schools and then Oxbridge. The culture I had at home - an atmosphere of education and working hard - was critically important.

Thank you. This is what my head is telling me, and what I see with some of the fabulous students I teach at work, but it's a hard job trying to persuade my gut that when I grew up with all of my teachers telling us in every assembly that we were essentially academically better than everyone else!

I think, although I realise this isn’t what you asked, I would not be inclined to send your children to a school you teach at. I know people do, but if I am totally honest I think it is unfair on the children.

Whether you choose to opt for private or not is another matter.

My eldest just started state secondary, whereas me and DH both went to well known private schools. I honestly can't think of anyone on my dad's side who went to state school and I did feel, am I letting Ds down by doing this. I even had a few comments from both my and DHs families who assumed we'd go private.

I looked very very carefully into all the options and our out of catchment (so I had to wait/prepare to fight for it) state school won me over because 1) it has a sixth form and the A Level teachers teach GCSE subjects, so the greater depth of knowledge trickles down 2)it's got a head who has significantly improved GCSE results in the last 5 years, to be higher than the nearest private school 3)it offers geography and history at GCSE - our catchment school would have made him choose, which is batshit to me) 4)the destination of leavers are really strong. A good mix of Russell group with a smattering of Oxbridge. But also kids who go into work; some stay locally, others travel further afield. 5) they offer mostly full GCSEs not btecs which again, our catchment state secondary do.

So it is a really, really hard decision to make when you've grown up in one system and have to make a decision for your own child. I really wanted ours to be exposed to the real world a bit more than me and DH were and academically, I feel Ds will have the opportunities he deserves. But I definitely wasn't happy for him to attend our local catchment school and did a lot of research and thinking around it. So far he's thriving, being encouraged, but in a mixed and much more realistic environment than the private world.

@Flowersandthings

I’ve taught in both. Just moved from a selective, posh private to a big ‘outstanding’ comp with moderate deprivation. Most comps have to be super strict in order to keep order so the children are treated like they aren’t really civilised...this is different to the private system. It all depends what you can cope with as a parent really.

Luckily the school I teach at (and where I would hope to send dc) isn't like that- the students are almost exclusively very well behaved and I have to do next to no behaviour management. Am well aware things could change a lot in a few years though!

@Neighneigh

My eldest just started state secondary, whereas me and DH both went to well known private schools. I honestly can't think of anyone on my dad's side who went to state school and I did feel, am I letting Ds down by doing this. I even had a few comments from both my and DHs families who assumed we'd go private.

I looked very very carefully into all the options and our out of catchment (so I had to wait/prepare to fight for it) state school won me over because 1) it has a sixth form and the A Level teachers teach GCSE subjects, so the greater depth of knowledge trickles down 2)it's got a head who has significantly improved GCSE results in the last 5 years, to be higher than the nearest private school 3)it offers geography and history at GCSE - our catchment school would have made him choose, which is batshit to me) 4)the destination of leavers are really strong. A good mix of Russell group with a smattering of Oxbridge. But also kids who go into work; some stay locally, others travel further afield. 5) they offer mostly full GCSEs not btecs which again, our catchment state secondary do.

So it is a really, really hard decision to make when you've grown up in one system and have to make a decision for your own child. I really wanted ours to be exposed to the real world a bit more than me and DH were and academically, I feel Ds will have the opportunities he deserves. But I definitely wasn't happy for him to attend our local catchment school and did a lot of research and thinking around it. So far he's thriving, being encouraged, but in a mixed and much more realistic environment than the private world.

Thank you- this is pretty much exactly how I feel. A lot to think about here.

Well 93% of the population go to state secondaries. I don’t think you would be letting your DC down.

Independent schools, even the ‘top’ independent schools (by which I assume you mean the most well-known), have not been the route to Oxbridge for a long time. If this achievable for your child they will make it from a strong state school just as likely.

The world has changed since we were children. As white collar professions are diminished by AI, it’s increasingly going to be people with excellent soft skills who succeed. Learning to interface with people from all sorts of backgrounds has never been more important.

If you have the budget for private school you can fund extracurricular activities that might not be an option in the state sector.

@Magicalwoodlands

I think, although I realise this isn’t what you asked, I would not be inclined to send your children to a school you teach at. I know people do, but if I am totally honest I think it is unfair on the children.

Whether you choose to opt for private or not is another matter.

I have worried about this too. A lot of my colleagues have children at the school as it's so good and it seemingly hasn't posed any issues for them, but it is a slight concern.

My sister was absolutely horrified when we opted for the state school v the private school for one of our children but we knew that although the private school was perfect for the one we sent there it just wasn’t right for the other one. I do feel guilty. Why I don’t know because they absolutely love it and are doing brilliantly because the school is fantastic. I haven’t made my mind up yet about sixth form though.

@nixon1976

Independent schools, even the ‘top’ independent schools (by which I assume you mean the most well-known), have not been the route to Oxbridge for a long time. If this achievable for your child they will make it from a strong state school just as likely.

Not most well known necessarily, no. Always in the top few handful of schools for results though.

Go state, you can always move them for A levels to private to get that privilege boost for uni.