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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is in the wrong here?

398 replies

hoodvic4 · 21/11/2021 10:24

Friend is visiting his hometown with his partner. Group of us went out last night for dinner and drinks. Afterwards friend and partner invite me back to their flat they've rented for the weekend.

It's 1.30 am and I've fallen asleep on their sofa. I am abruptly awoken by friend saying 'you need to go home'. He phones me a taxi and becomes rude to the taxi operator and other taxi taking over an hour. Friend is basically shoving me out the door at this point. So I have to walk home - 3 miles at 2 am. No text from friend to check if I even get home okay.

So this morning I text him and am like what was that about. He replies that his partner was messaging him asking him to get me to leave as he wanted to go to bed. I was sleeping...why couldn't he have went to bed?

This friend I am very close to, he has stayed over at my house I can't even count the times, when he is home visiting without his partner he will stay here 3/4 nights in a row. I run him about here there and everywhere when he is here. I have never ever kicked him out of my house.

I would understand if I was drunk causing mayhem and wanting to party but I was sleeping on the sofa. This morning he is saying it's not a big deal, it's not shocking and won't apologise.

So am I being unreasonable or is he?

OP posts:
Allsorts1 · 21/11/2021 13:09

I’m trying to imagine this at my flat, if a friend of mine had fallen asleep and it was 1:30 am I probably would wake them up at bedtime - but I would have said “hey hun we are off to bed, can I order you an Uber or would you rather stay here?” Most of my friends would rather Uber home (and we are big drinkers). If there was no taxi I would make them up a bed.

I think this is a normal approach.

I would never expect a person alone (or a couple) to walk 3 miles at that time or any time - that’s 1 hour walking! And I also wouldn’t LET a friend do this, even if they were drunk and insisting on it.

So, YANBU and I would reassess this friendship until/if he breaks up with this asshole that he’s with currently.

HeartsAndClubs · 21/11/2021 13:12

yep I'm miffed at the fact that my friend was so worried about his partners reaction that he kicked his best mate out of his house at 2 am. I won't go to war with anyone but I will not give that partner the time of day again. If that creates distance between me and my friend then so be it. If this was a poster posting that her female friend had been under stress for her to leave because of their male partner’s demands and she had ended up having to walk home would people still be blaming the woman?

It seems pretty clear from where I’m standing that this man is in an abusive relationship if he is so terrified of upsetting/angering his partner that he felt compelled to make the OP walk home alone.

And the partner is doing a nice job of alienating him from his friends, because there are several on this thread saying that the OP should dump the friend because of their partner’s behaviour.

Easy to see why victims of DV become isolated…

TatianaBis · 21/11/2021 13:15

@hoodvic4

For everyone asking I definitely didn't behave inappropriately. I assumed I would get a taxi home but fell asleep. I never expected to be awoken and asked to leave though as we've always had that kind of friendship where my home is his etc we are very close. I guess dynamics have changed and that's okay. But I didn't behave in any way inappropriately. Luckily my other friend she spoke on the phone to me the whole way walking home. Woke her up and she answered, she's a gem.
That's a true friend.

The bloke from last night is simply using you as free board and lodging. He's now shown his true colours.

Just ensure he never stays with you again.

TatianaBis · 21/11/2021 13:17

It seems pretty clear from where I’m standing that this man is in an abusive relationship if he is so terrified of upsetting/angering his partner that he felt compelled to make the OP walk home alone.

Bollocks. They both wanted a shag, he blamed his partner so he didn't have to take the heat. That is all.

diddl · 21/11/2021 13:17

So he physically pushed you out of the house rather than let you stay or wait for a taxi?

Maybe it wasn't even his partner who wanted you out?

DaisyNGO · 21/11/2021 13:20

I've only read the OP posts

Possible they had someone else coming round, the partner arranged it and your friend didn't know.

But it's unacceptable.

ExD1938 · 21/11/2021 13:24

Why didn't you phone for your own taxi?

Camembear · 21/11/2021 13:25

I think your friend had a shit host moment.

If you invite someone over you should think about how they’ll get back/what they’ll expect based on previous meet ups and he left you in a dodgy situation. I’m glad he apologised, it sounds like he realises he messed up.

FatHat · 21/11/2021 13:26

I'd be pretty annoyed if I'd booked an Airbnb for a night with my partner, and a friend outstayed their welcome to the extend of falling asleep drunk on the sofa.

I'd probably wake them up and offer to book them an Uber.

But I wouldn't kick them out at 2am if there were no taxis available.

RedToothBrush · 21/11/2021 13:27

@hoodvic4

He has apologised and said he was stuck between a rock and a hard place with his partner and in the heat of the moment he didn't make the right decision.
No he wasn't between a rock and a hard place.

He put his partner's feelings before your safety. He made that choice. It wasn't a heat of the moment thing. You are easier to appease later on than his partner and he took the easy option for himself. His partner is controlling and he's afraid of his partner's reaction not yours.

Reflect on that.

FetchezLaVache · 21/11/2021 13:29

@Mumoftwoinprimary

“Ok - so you had to make a choice between annoying Fred and putting my safety at risk. And you chose to put my safety at risk. This means there are two possibilities. Either you are in an abusive relationship and we’re scared what Fred would do or you don’t care about me at all. If it is the first then let me know and I will support you and help you leave when you are ready. If it is the second then I don’t think you and I have anything left to say to each other.”
Your friend was completely out of order to throw you out, but you ABU to fall out with Fred and not him, even if you suspect that Fred powered his elbow. You can't allow your friend to think what he did was in any way OK - he let you walk home three miles, alone, drunk, in November, and inconvenienced your other (real) friend into the bargain! In fact, as you do seem to think it was Fred's fault, you would be even more U not to send the above message.

And ignore the sanctimonious victim-blaming contingent.

sleepycoffeemonster · 21/11/2021 13:29

Whatever the reason he didnt want you to stay, when there were no taxis immediately available, he made the decision to ask you to leave on your own, in the dark and walk home. That is not a friend.

With the situation you found yourself in, a real friend would have suggested for you to wait until a taxi was available or ask if you wanted to stay.

At the very least, check you got home ok.

Not sure why either of them thought it was ok to walk on your own.

carlywurly · 21/11/2021 13:30

Not the main point here but Airbnb can be massively strict about this kind of thing as it's seen as an unauthorised party. We don't allow anyone to visit anyone staying at ours without prior permission. It's an insurance thing plus you want people sleeping in the beds provided not on uncovered sofas.

Getting spotted (lots of hosts have those ring doorbell things) could have got them both kicked out. It's possible that if the partner booked it, he'd have seen and agreed to the long list of rules some hosts impose. He might have had that realisation in the night and panicked.

That said, there's absolutely no bloody way they should have just chucked you out. Safety trumps all else and this was just wrong. Glad you're ok.

TheLikesofMe · 21/11/2021 13:32

You would be a fool to forgive him. He put you in danger and didn't even bother to check if you managed to get home safely.

Is that the action of a friend?

Morgoth · 21/11/2021 13:32

Whilst your behaviour was probably a little annoying and overstaying, throwing you out onto the street at 2am and making you walk home 1 hour at night when you had been drinking is abhorrent. I wouldn’t put a male or female that I disliked intensely in that position, let alone a close friend. That would be a friendship-ender to me. I wouldn’t want to speak to him for a long long while and he would never be able to stay at my house ever again.

MintyGreenDream · 21/11/2021 13:35

There's more to.
it than he's letting on. The taxi one hour later wasn't good enough for them? They had to make you leave then and there? Weird af.

Morgoth · 21/11/2021 13:38

And it’s your friends fault just as much as it was his partners. Even if he threw you out due to hypothetical extreme distress or pressure from his partner, it wasn’t his partner that prevented him from checking you had got home ok. Why couldn’t he have messaged or called you to check you had got home alright? He didn’t even bother to check on you in the morning or apologise. He should have been mortified and remorseful and guilty but he didn’t give a shit. That’s got nothing to do with his partner whatsoever.

Even the most braindead men I know know that a tipsy woman walking home a long distance at 2am in the morning by herself is something they would try to avoid at all costs.

Mellowyellow222 · 21/11/2021 13:41

Some really odd responses here and people clearly have different types of friendships and social lives.

This would be a friendship ended for me. One of my friends boyfriends was really rude to me on a holiday - she didn’t stand up for me when he was clearly in the wrong and I had to walk on eggshells the whole time. We aren’t friends anymore.

This man uses you for free accommodation and taxi services when he comes home but won’t event let you sleep in his sofa for one night, and would rather you were out walking the streets.

He isn’t a friend. I wouldn’t event let the friendship just fade. I would ring him and explain why the friendship is now over.

LopsidedWombat · 21/11/2021 13:41

If they were worried about their air bnb as others have suggested, they either shouldn't have invited OP back or woken her up and called a taxi much earlier.

Neither me or my DP enjoy having people to stay but in this scenario we'd have given said friend a spare blanket and gone to bed. I cannot imagine a reason why they didn't do the same, regardless of how much they'd had to drink. I'd feel very sour towards them both in your position OP, you must feel like they don't give a shit about you.

Beautiful3 · 21/11/2021 13:41

Thats awful, he kicked a woman out at 2am to walk 3 miles home, alone! He is no friend. He prioritised his partner, over his friends safety. He was happy to put you in a dangerous situation. If something had happened to you, you'd never be able to undo that. I hope you stop letting him crash at yours from now on. I'd stop seeing him too, he is not a nice person.

TheLikesofMe · 21/11/2021 13:43

If you had been murdered and all the details of this guy chucking you out at 2am were printed in the paper, what do you think public opinion would make of him?

He doesn't give a sheep's shit about you.

Loudestcat14 · 21/11/2021 13:45

It doesn't matter if you were so drunk you ended up dancing topless on the coffee table with the Birdie Song playing at a million decibels, to kick you out before your taxi had arrived at 2am to walk three miles home alone is awful. I'd be done with that friendship.

frazzledasarock · 21/11/2021 13:45

The air bnb wouldn’t cost extra is an extra person crashed there the night. Airbnb you’re hiring the whole place/room.

OP doesn’t sound like she was vomiting or damaging property, she fell asleep.

The friend and partner behaved unacceptably

SweetPetrichor · 21/11/2021 13:49

I imagine they expected you to go home when you got tired, not fall asleep and assume you’d just stay put. You should have taken responsibility for getting yourself home at an appropriate time. The partner’s not the twat here…they’re probably waiting for you to go so they can go to bed, they probably want a morning to themselves without being hosts. In the partner’s shoes I’d have been pretty pissed off too. As an adult, you are responsible for your own safety. Even if they physically pushed you out the door, you could have stood on the doorstep and waited for a taxi if you had to.

Loudestcat14 · 21/11/2021 13:54

As an adult, you are responsible for your own safety.

AngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngry

Aren't you a peach. Would you say that to the parents of Sarah Everard and all the other hundreds and thousands of women attacked on their way home at night? Presumably if OP had been attacked your post would victim blame her for drinking too much as well.

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