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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask friend not to bring dog

294 replies

iloveayankeecandle · 21/11/2021 07:10

My friend has a dog. Likes to jump up a lot to start with but then calms down. My daughter hates dogs and my other daughter crawls now so is all over the place. We do not have a dog.
So at Christmas my friend comes over and previously has brought the dog with her. Well my eldest daughter now has a fear of dogs. My husband has said he doesn't want the dog round due to my daughters fear and other daughter being dog height with my crawler. I'm not keen either but don't want to hurt my friends feelings. AIBU?

OP posts:
Curtaintassels · 21/11/2021 20:12

@ColinTheKoala

Christmas aside you need to sort the fear out or your child will be like this forever

No she won't. When I was a child I'd run out in front of cars rather than walk past dogs - my mum had to grab me if there was a dog walking towards us.

Funnily enough I made it to adulthood and I now run and can run past a dog. I'm not scared of them anymore, I just don't like them.

And it's not a phobia. A phobia is an irrational fear. It's not irrational to be fearful of dogs.

True. As it’s not irrational to be fearful of humans given the murder rates.
SilentBob · 21/11/2021 20:13

I have a dog. A small, non-aggressive dog. She's a mongrel- dachshund and Jack Russell cross. I (and anyone else, should the need arise) could stop her doing whatever I didn't want her to do very easily. (She's very well trained but you know what I mean) I still would never bring her along to a place where someone is nervous. It's not the forum for it, especially not in the host's own home! Fuck that!

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 21/11/2021 20:13

@ColinTheKoala

Christmas aside you need to sort the fear out or your child will be like this forever

No she won't. When I was a child I'd run out in front of cars rather than walk past dogs - my mum had to grab me if there was a dog walking towards us.

Funnily enough I made it to adulthood and I now run and can run past a dog. I'm not scared of them anymore, I just don't like them.

And it's not a phobia. A phobia is an irrational fear. It's not irrational to be fearful of dogs.

I'm the same. Was scared of them as a child (when they were closer to my size!). Not scared of them anymore, just indifferent to most of them and wouldn't welcome many peoples dogs into my home.
Original poster
iloveayankeecandle · 21/11/2021 20:29

@Orchidflower1 thank you. We'll get by. But my friend lives a completely different kid to me and was slightly put out that I asked to stop buying. But nothing I can do really.

OP posts:
Welshiefluff · 21/11/2021 20:36

I would go the direct and honest.

We are excited to see you this Christmas but my eldest now has a phobia of gods so please come without it. A decent person will agree and not question you.

Welshiefluff · 21/11/2021 20:46

@alienbaby

Breaking down in parks and cowering around every street corner because she had a bad experience with a dog and you are going to deepen that so it turns into a phobia

Really? Forcing your daughter to have a dog in what should be her safe place when she is not ready. Dog entitlement knows no bounds.

Lou98 · 21/11/2021 20:52

YANBU to tell her not to bring the dog. We have two dogs and we don't take them to others houses (except MIL's as she also has dogs and doesn't mind).

However, she may decide not to come and that also doesn't make her U. If she's always brought the dog before and it's been fine then it's natural she'd assume it was coming this year, she may decide she doesn't want to leave him to come - our dogs are absolutely fine being left for a few hours so wouldn't bother us but as you've said the dog is like a baby to her you often find the people that baby their dogs won't leave them for a couple of mins never mind a couple of hours!

Blueeilidh · 21/11/2021 21:04

Just be honest. As a dog lover and owner, I would understand and be happy to leave the dog home assuming it's just a couple of hours and not a long drive either side as well. Perhaps she could help you in the future with your daughter's fear if the dog is friendly enough, but a Christmas catch up isn't the time for that.

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/11/2021 21:12

Imagine I’m your friend Grin 💐

I love my dog. I also love you and at this point I don’t know that one of your children is fearful of dogs, you’re fearful on behalf of your youngest and because of those very valid reasons your husband doesn’t want my beloved dog in your home ton Christmas Day.

Tell me tomorrow, please, so I can plan, maybe organise some family company for my beloved dog on Christmas Day morning or tell you, as I would, that’s fine, completely understand but please can we limit our Christmas festivities to about 3/4 hours so I can get home to my dog and enjoy the rest of the day with it?
(To which, of course, your answer should be “absolutely”).

Bobsyer · 21/11/2021 21:41

@alienbaby

Just get your kids used to dogs.

This is why so many kids these days grow up to have various forms of anxiety

Kids have anxiety because they don't like dogs? I've heard it all now Hmm

YANBU OP. I wouldn't have a dog in my house for any reason tbh and I would be clear and honest about that. I don't like them, I don't want the doggy smell in my house - just, no thank you.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 22/11/2021 11:35

Just tell her you can’t accommodate the dog this time, due to children disliking it and husband wanting a dog-free house.

She can put the dog in kennels or find a sitter.

I can’t imagine thinking my dog was welcome to stay in someone’s house, or even visit. Lots of people don’t like dogs, or fear them, or don’t want dog hair and dog smell all over their homes. A dog that jumps up is badly trained, I’d be saying no too.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 22/11/2021 12:02

@NoNotMeNoSiree

Why not? Because children are small humans, and dogs aren't?! WTF lol
Not WTF - there are lots of people on here who have explained how they feel about their dogs. And OP has explained that this would be a change to what they have done before.

Maybe you are in the group who feel that their childrens needs trump everyone elses - fair enough in your own home, you set the rules you want to- but obnoxious and entitled in the rest of the world. It is narcissism really. Hopefully that is simple enough to understand?

TheNicePerkins · 22/11/2021 12:21

It is utterly bizarre. I grew up with other close family friends having dogs, everybody being fond of dogs, but people never came to other people's home with their dogs.
There was no question of fur babies or emotional crutches though, that may be why.

surreygirl1987 · 22/11/2021 12:24

I find it bizarre too. @Wheresmywoolyjumpers I totally disagree with you. What if someone said their pet spider was like their child and that they didn't want to leave them at home? Or their pet iguana? Or moth? Or snake? Would there not be a sense of WTF from you at all?!

Also she didn't say this: "Maybe you are in the group who feel that their childrens needs trump everyone elses - fair enough in your own home, you set the rules you want to- but obnoxious and entitled in the rest of the world. It is narcissism really. Hopefully that is simple enough to understand?"

thing47 · 22/11/2021 14:39

For those who equate dogs with children, I'm pretty sure no dog is going to grow up to be your postman, doctor or Uber driver… let alone pay for your pension.

You are entitled to feel whatever you want for your dog, but there is an objective difference. Children are more important than dogs – not MY children, children in general.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 22/11/2021 15:25

Maybe you are in the group who feel that their childrens needs trump everyone elses - fair enough in your own home, you set the rules you want to- but obnoxious and entitled in the rest of the world. It is narcissism really. Hopefully that is simple enough to understand?

Which part is nacissism? Not liking dogs? Not wanting a jumpy annoying dog around your child, who is scared of them? Which part is entitled or obnoxious?

Dogs are pets (or outdoor guarding/herding/working animals). Children grow up into human citizens. I don’t see the similarities?

ColinTheKoala · 22/11/2021 15:53

@Welshiefluff

I would go the direct and honest.

We are excited to see you this Christmas but my eldest now has a phobia of gods so please come without it. A decent person will agree and not question you.

I think a lot of dog owners do indeed believe their pets are gods Grin
notfromstepford · 22/11/2021 17:38

I love my dog, he's a great and well behaved dog, couldn't wish for a better dog. However, I NEVER take him to other people's and I never ask if I can bring him either. He's perfectly capable of spending a few hours at home on his own. It drives me insane when people just assume their dog can go anywhere with them. It's such an imposition.
I would just tell her the dog can't come. None of you want it there and it's your house! Tell her straight - no dog.

ElvinBoys · 22/11/2021 17:43

I don’t think you are being unreasonable as it’s your home, but I certainly wouldn’t pander to a fear as it only makes them worse. It’s your job as a parent to help them get over their fears not feed them. I think you should be telling your friends sooner rather than later though if you intend to tel her she can’t bring the dog as she may want to make alternative arrangements. I certainly wouldn’t leave my dog alone at Christmas, he’s part of my family too.

AnnieSnap · 22/11/2021 17:43

I have dogs and would be happy to be asked not to bring one/them to someone’s house. In fact, if I thought of taking them to someone else’s home, I’d always ask if it was okay. I would never just assume it was.

bozzabollix · 22/11/2021 17:46

If your daughter has had one bad experience with a dog it’s all the more reason for her to have a positive experience otherwise you’re nursing a bit of a phobia there. A dog phobia is pretty limiting given their popularity.

I’ve got two dogs who are very calm, they’ve got a 100% success rate for converting frightened children (and adults for that matter, one went away saying she wanted a dog!). A friendly dog is just what you want to redress the negative experience.

JohnDee007 · 22/11/2021 17:46

@thing47

For those who equate dogs with children, I'm pretty sure no dog is going to grow up to be your postman, doctor or Uber driver… let alone pay for your pension.

You are entitled to feel whatever you want for your dog, but there is an objective difference. Children are more important than dogs – not MY children, children in general.

Well neither will they grow up to be a paedophile., bank robber, conman, drunk driver, husband with a hobby (which turns out to be his secretary) or politician so by your reasoning dogs are better than children.

But on a realistic note op, just explain what you have said here. Most dogs will be fine for a couple of hours. If there’s a reason for your friend to be unable to leave the dog or indeed doesn’t want to then they are not unreasonable to say no.

You can both be equally reasonable but want different things

PleasantBirthday · 22/11/2021 17:49

@AnnieSnap

I have dogs and would be happy to be asked not to bring one/them to someone’s house. In fact, if I thought of taking them to someone else’s home, I’d always ask if it was okay. I would never just assume it was.
Why would you even ask, though? Surely you know no one really wants your dog or they'd ask? Why put them on the spot like that?
ivy4iona · 22/11/2021 17:51

its a shame you are having to make your friend choose. children have been allowed to be very dog phobic. the problem is dogs have no choice no freedom and you can bet your friend won't feel happy separated from her dear companion. I have to go to extraordinary lengths to satisfy my daughter in laws insistance on no dogs...putting in to kennels, getting my daughter to look after them, though to be honest she loves them and prefers them to children. My grandchildren would love them too if given half a chance now they are told they are scared. I would never have dreamt of not welcoming any creature, old, young, human or otherwise on Christmas day. Still by all the responses on here you are in the majority. what a shame.