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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that it bothers me how much he spends at Christmas?

320 replies

GrownUPChicken · 20/11/2021 23:01

My husband spends what I feel is a stupid amount of money at Christmas on his children.

AIBU that it bothers me? I gave up a long time ago contributing much at all to their Christmas presents because it's just ridiculous imo and I don't want to spend my money on it.

It just bugs me every year when be starts mentioning everything he's going to buy but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable because obviously he can spend "his" money on what be likes.

We have sort of joint finances but still have our own accounts.

He typically spends his entire works bonus on Christmas presents for the children and I'm left spending mine on everyone else's / taking on more of the shopping etc to cover it.

OP posts:
itsgettingwierd · 21/11/2021 09:40

@GrownUPChicken

I'm not sure what's so unclear.

Things I'm left to pay for-

  • OUR child's presents.
  • HIS families presents.
  • OUR Christmas food shop
So either tell him you need X amount towards these or

Don't buy his family presents. And don't buy anything extra for Christmas - especially all the extras he loves.

workwoes123 · 21/11/2021 09:41

Op

How are your finances arranged? What does “sort of shared” mean? Your DH seems to have quite a fixed idea about who pays for what and what the financial priorities are, which you seem to have gone along with, even enabled, up till now. It can clearly get complicated with second marriages and step children, but whatever arrangements you’ve had in the past don’t seem to be working any more and that’s what needs to be reconsidered.

Cheerbear24 · 21/11/2021 09:49

Why are you subsidising him? That’s your problem.
Agree re his family, but what do I do about our child? Just not buy them half as much because I refuse to subsidise him? Not buy food for our Christmas dinner?

Tell him he’s going about it backwards, he can’t wait snd see what he’s got left after he’s bought his DC presents - that’s lumbering you will a big bill for everything else.
Tell him you jointly need to set the entire budget upfront for 3 kids, everyone else’s presents and food. Then apportion amounts out. Write it down on paper. Over estimate good, as it’s always more. Then get his 50% of the entire budget now.
What he’s doing at the moment is prioritising the SDC and you’re having to pick up the slack elsewhere in the budget which still unfair. You’re indirectly paying for his DC extravagance.
It’s worth having a row over IMO.

IncompleteSenten · 21/11/2021 09:57

You really need to say to him that you will not be subsidising him any more
That you will buy your child's gifts but his family are his responsibility and if he doesn't buy them anything then they get nothing and it will have been his choice. Also if he doesn't contribute to the Christmas shop then it will be halved in size

And mean it.

You are contributing to his massive overspend. Whether you give him £500 and say spend it on your kids or you spend it on food and gifts for his family because he's spent all his money on his kids makes no difference. You are -£500 and he is +£500

(£500 just random number, sub with whatever the actual figure is)

Waahingwashingwashing · 21/11/2021 10:11

Do you think because there’s no maintenance due that he thinks, in his head, that all expenses for the step dc are joint?

How does all the rest of their expenses in your house get funded?

I’d die on this hill if it was me. Half of all food costs, half of your joint DC present (budget for that agreed) and don’t buy for his family.

What you need to do really is sort out your “sort of joint” money properly.

MadeForThis · 21/11/2021 10:15

I would tell him that you need to budget better for Christmas this year. Tell him he is in charge of buying his family's presents. I'm assuming he manages to still pay his usual bills in December so add Christmas dinner to that list. Also ask for a contribution to your dc's presents.

aSofaNearYou · 21/11/2021 10:17

@GrownUPChicken

If a man were to be “furious” about what I spent on my children, he’d be getting the old heave-ho

I'd be in full support of any man who was furious at you for spending all of your money on only some of your children and leaving him to buy everything for the rest tbh.

I like PPs idea of suggesting we put an equal amount in DCs savings.

I'm going to have another talk with him tonight about it.

I think in his mind he truly thinks that it's okay for me to buy the other stuff because I leave him to buy everything for DSC. I only do that though because he spends what I feel is a stupid amount on them. So in his head he feels well we end up spending almost 50:50 but just buying presents for different people.

He does want to get his family presents. I buy for nieces and nephews, PILs etc.. because they are quite a present giving family and we'd stick out like a sore thumb if we didn't get anyone anything and so I end up feeling bad. He doesn't see why it's a problem me buying it because I have the money and he's had to spend his on X Y Z and 100 other things for DSC.

Wow, his whole attitude about how much he expects from you in regards to ALL his relatives are so incredibly entitled. The "different people" you are spending money on, supposedly making it equal, are ALL on his side of the family Confused He needs a massive reality check, I hope you are going to give him one in your conversation OP!
lockdownalli · 21/11/2021 10:42

OP you are too interested in being nice!!

Tell his family that the wifework is getting to you, and DH will be responsible for all presents etc on his side of the family. Then sit back and shut up. He can deal with it. Why do you think it reflects badly on you? It's his fucking family.

It absolutely is not fair that he is spending so much more on two of his children than the third. And it's unfair that this leaves you funding everything else.

Would he be able to have his DC 50/50 and avoid paying CM if you weren't around?

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 21/11/2021 10:51

If he were contributing equally to every one elses he could spend what he likes. But he is being a total CF here, I would be really annoyed too.

whynotwhatknot · 21/11/2021 11:05

just stop buying for his family-theyre his after all he can tell them he spent all his money on his dc

what happens as they get older mum buys an ipad he gets an iphone mum gets a better iphone and so on-its going to cost thousands

BananaBlue · 21/11/2021 11:12

You say he and his ex are playing oneupmanship?

In all honesty this would bother me deeply, why is he so keen to get digs in? It sounds like he isn’t even doing it for the love of his kids hence why he doesn’t for yours.

He shouldn't care about her anymore?

I would expect to go halves on your joint DC gift.

Food costs I’d suck up.

You say you like your in-laws and want to gift them? Fine, I’d tell him unless he provides at least 50% all of those gifts will be tagged from me & my DC and I’d tell them why if they ask.

BananaBlue · 21/11/2021 11:15

Sorry, re food costs he should be paying but I assume any move from you on this would be self-punishing.

Re your DC again if he doesn’t contribute that would be from me and me only.

Sunshinealligator · 21/11/2021 11:55

Ouch, I'd be annoyed too.
So he buys for his eldest two, spending large amounts of money, but then leaves you to buy for the younger child you do share? ...and then you're left paying for all other gifts- including his parents? And most of the Christmas food shop?

Yep sounds like guilt to me, maybe guilt that he is able to be more present in your shared child's life- ie getting to live in the same house, and the situation not being the same with them, maybe he is just throwing gifts at them to compensate?

Definitely something going on there given the disparity between how he treats the child you share and the older two at Christmas.

I do also agree with the PP asking the children's ages, at 4/5/6/7/8 it's much harder to spend that sort of money than it is when you're buying for a teenager who may for example have a list of things they want for Christmas which might include things like a new iPhone, an ipad, air pods, apple pen, mac book, Dr martens etc. All of which u have been asked for at one point or another by teenage DD. A couple of those gifts are £500 ish as a singular item, not one of them is less than £100 so that's when stupid money starts to become more "feasible" in a parents view.

So if he doesn't get to grips with his Christmas time spending within the next few years it might turn into £1000+ each child

Sillawithans · 21/11/2021 12:49

I've spent 600 on one present for my son so far, it'll end up a grand easily. One present for each of my daughter's is 650 which will be another grand each and then the same for my step son.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 21/11/2021 13:05

You are just another woman that was roped in by a waster to be au pair, house skivvy and bank roller to his children.

I was just about to say similar. It sounds like you've been targetted to be honest.

Was it your house he moved into? Was he having his kids 50% of the time before he met you?

Nanny0gg · 21/11/2021 13:18

@lisaandalan

It's his money he can do what he likes with it as long as the bills are paid, also Have you got children ? Maybe if you had you might not feel this way. X
Dear God!

Did you actually read ANY of the OP's posts?

Nanny0gg · 21/11/2021 13:19

@GrownUPChicken

I'd suggest he opens up savings accounts and put some money in that for them rather than all presents, but up to him

Obviously he should put an equal amount in our DCs savings account then?

Yes
Nanny0gg · 21/11/2021 13:20

@Sillawithans

I've spent 600 on one present for my son so far, it'll end up a grand easily. One present for each of my daughter's is 650 which will be another grand each and then the same for my step son.
And?
nimbuscloud · 21/11/2021 13:23

@Sillawithans
How is that in anyway comparable to the op’s situation apart from the amount of money being spent?

Cocomarine · 21/11/2021 13:26

@Sillawithans

I've spent 600 on one present for my son so far, it'll end up a grand easily. One present for each of my daughter's is 650 which will be another grand each and then the same for my step son.
Right. And your advice for OP’s actual issue is what, @Sillawithans ?
DiamondBright · 21/11/2021 13:29

@Sillawithans

I've spent 600 on one present for my son so far, it'll end up a grand easily. One present for each of my daughter's is 650 which will be another grand each and then the same for my step son.
And???
BluebellsGreenbells · 21/11/2021 13:36

I think you both have the same attitude.

He buys for the kids through guilt

You buy for his family through guilt.

He’s not going to stop until you stop.

It’s a cycle you are helping perpetuate

minimecantrollerskate · 21/11/2021 13:38

You need to sit down with him, state how much you each have towards Christmas, make a list of food etc that needs buying, see how much is left over for presents and then set the budget from there. He should be spending the same on your joint child as he does on the other 2.

He needs to stop the guilt and the competitiveness. There is no way that he should be blowing all his money on them and not contributing towards anything else.

Heartofglass12345 · 21/11/2021 14:20

I would say do what you need to do for you and your child to have a lovely Christmas, so buy their presents spending however much you want to spend, buy food etc, but just say you're not buying presents for his family anymore. What did he do regarding his family's presents before he met you?

You should never have been buying for his children anyway, they already have stuff of their mum and him so I don't know why he expected you to contribute as well, although I can see why you wanted to.

This must be difficult for you, but you need to stand your ground Thanks

Fromthebirdsnest · 21/11/2021 14:52

How about you sit down with him decide a budget for each child and do it all together .. we spend between 250~300 on our 6,11&12 year old and will have spent between £150-200 on our baby who will be 9 months we then put money in there savings accounts for when they are adults.. we could easily spend a lot more however we do things like phones and consoles for birthdays as we have 4 children and it would be difficult to keep things even and we dont want spoilt children so prefer to get around 10 presents plus a stocking and feel this is a perfect amount .. x

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