Don’t want to lift share with friend....

[Newnameneededxx]

Aibu?

Friend doesn’t like driving anywhere she doesn’t know. Is only happy in local town/village. Has her own car but is ferried around on longer journeys by her dh. Doesn’t like motorway driving.

Our kids have a shared interest (sport). This can involve driving to different parts of the uk. My dh (or I) have driven her and her dc on quite a few occasions over the past few years if her dh is busy or working (Pre-covid). Sometimes she has wangled a lift with other families. They have never reciprocated, but her dh would if we were stuck for a lift and helps with local journeys if we are busy.

I don’t mind driving, but find it stressful taking passengers when I don’t know where I’m going. I need it quiet to concentrate on the road and hear the sat nav but friend talks incessantly which leaves me tense and stressed. I dread long journeys if I need to take passengers, but am fine with just me and dc. I think it’s because if I make mistakes or take a wrong turning it doesn’t matter! Plus I can have heater and radio on, stop when I want and generally relax!

We have another journey next weekend. Friend wants to liftshare. Effectively this means she wants me to take her but she never asks outright. We play the game of trying to decide how to get there and who will drive. At this point I usually offer to drive (to keep the peace). This time I haven’t offered....

There are a few reasons for this. One is that friend has started being very judgemental/bitchy about other mutual friends and I’m just not into that playground type behaviour.

Secondly, friend has started moaning (a lot) about her life, her health, her job, her family etc when we meet up and frankly I feel a bit like an unpaid counsellor. It’s exhausting and drains the life out of me. What used to be nice two-way conversations have turned into selfish outpourings from friend and I never get to talk about what is going on with me.

Friend was funny with me earlier this week and I think it may be about the lack of lift sharing next weekend. She said it is ridiculous to be doing the same journey and not share and is trying to use environmental reasons to shame me!

Just say 'if you feel so strongly about the environmental issues, then we'd absolutely be more than happy to come with you in your car', smile sweetly, and wait

If she’s pushing to lift share then tell her it’s her turn as you’ve done quite a few. If she doesn’t want to drive then she needs to find someone else to cadge a lift from. You’re not being unreasonable to refuse when it’s not evenly shared out.

Does she offer petrol money?

I totally get your point.

A car trip for me is a magical mystery tour as I get lost easily and I have adhd, so people in the car is both stressful and distracting.

I'd look vague. She needs to start driving herself.

She doesn't like driving places she doesn't know.

You find it stressful driving her because she's bitchy and talks about herself non stop.

Why is what she wants more important than what you want?

Say no.

Ask her to contribute to petrol costs. My friend doesn't have a car, so if we go anywhere, I always drive. But she pays for petrol every time. She works out the amount and pays into my account without me asking for it

But its not lift share is it? Theres no sharing about it,,,you drive and she gets a free lift,
Dont let her guilt trip you into carting her around, Cant you tell her your taking other family members so will have no room.

Its not lift sharing, its her being a cf and expecting you to be her chauffeur.
Just say no.

To be honest I’m not sure if I can cope with even sharing as a passenger....

I just want to get myself and dc there on our own to maintain my sanity!

Friend is draining the energy out of me at the moment. Is becoming totally obsessed with environmental issues (unless it affects her travel plans) and even told me off for buying a few decorative balloons for my dc’s birthday party.

She has suddenly become massively judgemental but in a completely hypocritical way, as it’s only towards others and what they do. It’s exhausting and stressful.

She said it is ridiculous to be doing the same journey and not share and is trying to use environmental reasons to shame me!

Then just reply “I see your point, what time are you picking me up?” and see what she says? Or say that you want to start taking it in turns?

I understand what you mean about appreciating a bit of quiet when you're driving to an unfamiliar place. Even if I didn't, I'd say that any rain is a good enough reason to not want to do this.
As a pp said, if she asks outright then just say "that's kind of you to offer to take a turn with the driving" and see her reaction

If you prefer to have a quiet car so you can concentrate on the road then that's totally understandable.
If you don't want to listen to her moaning, that's fine too.
Try not to half-agree, just have a few stock responses ready.

@PotteringAlong

She said it is ridiculous to be doing the same journey and not share and is trying to use environmental reasons to shame me!

Then just reply “I see your point, what time are you picking me up?” and see what she says? Or say that you want to start taking it in turns?

This.

That should say any reason

She’s cheeky. Perhaps make the point that you also find long unfamiliar journeys stressful too, especially with a car full. You could agree to alternating but otherwise it’s best you both make your own arrangements. Maybe find a distant auntie or niche activity you’re going to do on the journey to put her off.

Remind how many lifts you have provided and say you are cashing in on her turns now. After all better for the environment than taking 2 cars..

Yes she has offered petrol money or gifts in the past, and the conversation was more relaxed, and that is why it hasn’t bothered me as much.

I would still feel somewhat tense but would enjoy her company more. Now I feel tense even at the thought of an hour in her company, never mind the car journey!

If she's being off with you ( because you haven't offered to drive her yet) then just let her stew.

If she asks then tell her 'I, I'm sorry but I'm forever taking you but you never offer to drive.'

It sounds like you want out of this friendship anyway.

There's also the issue of her getting sanctimonious. She's for some issues and nope, you don't need to sit there soaking it up, trapped in a car.

I'd go with the "we're going on to see..." but I'm a wuss.

How are is your DC? Often car journeys are the only time to have decent one to one chats with them. Use that as a reason?

Old

Perhaps you can tell her that hearing about how she disapproves of you and others so frequently is wearing you down?

If you don’t feel able to simply refuse, can you create the need to do something on the way there or back which won’t include her? And make that the reason not to go together?

I'm only comfortable driving locally BUT I would never put on a friend like she is doing to you,that's my problem.Yanbu.

That’s not a lift share, you’re her chauffeur.

I’ve also had a draining pessimistic friend, btw. I get it. I had to ditch mine.

It is probably best to simply be honest with her and tell her that you find it stressful to maintain a conversation and drive to a strange place at the same time and that you don't agree with all her views (or want to hear them). She does not have a monopoly on finding long journeys stressful. So going forward, you'll be happy to take it in turns with her to drive and she can drive this time while you navigate. You also don't want general chit chat in the car, just navigating.
She'll probably find someone else to use instead.

for after the long drive

Sounds like you've outlived your usefulness as a friend. I would just ignore any hints. As an aside women and it s always women who will only drive in familiar territory should not be driving. If someone is that nervy or anxious keep off the roads.