Don’t want to lift share with friend....

[Newnameneededxx]

Aibu?

Friend doesn’t like driving anywhere she doesn’t know. Is only happy in local town/village. Has her own car but is ferried around on longer journeys by her dh. Doesn’t like motorway driving.

Our kids have a shared interest (sport). This can involve driving to different parts of the uk. My dh (or I) have driven her and her dc on quite a few occasions over the past few years if her dh is busy or working (Pre-covid). Sometimes she has wangled a lift with other families. They have never reciprocated, but her dh would if we were stuck for a lift and helps with local journeys if we are busy.

I don’t mind driving, but find it stressful taking passengers when I don’t know where I’m going. I need it quiet to concentrate on the road and hear the sat nav but friend talks incessantly which leaves me tense and stressed. I dread long journeys if I need to take passengers, but am fine with just me and dc. I think it’s because if I make mistakes or take a wrong turning it doesn’t matter! Plus I can have heater and radio on, stop when I want and generally relax!

We have another journey next weekend. Friend wants to liftshare. Effectively this means she wants me to take her but she never asks outright. We play the game of trying to decide how to get there and who will drive. At this point I usually offer to drive (to keep the peace). This time I haven’t offered....

There are a few reasons for this. One is that friend has started being very judgemental/bitchy about other mutual friends and I’m just not into that playground type behaviour.

Secondly, friend has started moaning (a lot) about her life, her health, her job, her family etc when we meet up and frankly I feel a bit like an unpaid counsellor. It’s exhausting and drains the life out of me. What used to be nice two-way conversations have turned into selfish outpourings from friend and I never get to talk about what is going on with me.

Friend was funny with me earlier this week and I think it may be about the lack of lift sharing next weekend. She said it is ridiculous to be doing the same journey and not share and is trying to use environmental reasons to shame me!

This isn't about lift sharing, you don't want to he her friend anymore. Thats the issue you need to address.

If it was me I would ignore all hints and not offer to give her a lift. If she asks outright just say you can't as your mam, aunt, whoever is going with you, so no room. Then when you turn up alone just say oh they cancelled last minute.

I know this is lying but it's not easy to be blunt and say no. Little white lies are easier.

@notanothertakeaway

Ask her to contribute to petrol costs. My friend doesn't have a car, so if we go anywhere, I always drive. But she pays for petrol every time. She works out the amount and pays into my account without me asking for it

How lovely! If I were the driver I'd really appreciate this.

She is a keeper!

If you don't want to tell her outright, just say you're not driving home but going to someone else's house on the way back and just keep saying it every week.

God she sounds awful.

Is it too late to say you're off to see Auntie Alice in XYZ on the way home?

If not be as brass necked as her, either refuse to offer or ask when she'll pick you up?

@lazyarse123

Sounds like you've outlived your usefulness as a friend. I would just ignore any hints. As an aside women and it s always women who will only drive in familiar territory should not be driving. If someone is that nervy or anxious keep off the roads.

My dad's a woman? News to me.

just say " I'll take your DC, on condition your DH reciprocates. Just DC.
I'm afraid there won't be room in the car for you."

If she questions that you just give her a thousand yard stare and say
"Because that works best for me, I'm a nervous driver".

@lazyarse123

Sounds like you've outlived your usefulness as a friend. I would just ignore any hints. As an aside women and it s always women who will only drive in familiar territory should not be driving. If someone is that nervy or anxious keep off the roads.

Wtf are you sniffing?

Yes say you can’t as an invented relative will be going with you, said relative had to pull out on the morning so couldn’t come but was too late notice to let her know. Let her be miffed and maybe she won’t ask in future. Driving is my alone time so I totally understand not wanting to do this!

It’s a shame your car is in the garage having work done that day OP.

She sounds awful, and a user.

Stay strong and use this as an opportunity to back away from her and her whining.

She has used you enough.

Long term you want to put distance between you.

Start now.

People like her take your peace and need ditching.

“This isn't about lift sharing, you don't want to he her friend anymore. Thats the issue you need to address. “

I think you have a point. I think the lift sharing was easier to tolerate when I looked forward to spending time with her as I enjoyed her company.

I don’t know what has happened in the past year/18 months. She has become so self centred. Another poster mentioned her being sanctimonious and that is spot on.

Prior to this she was kind and caring, self depreciating and good fun. It’s quite sad actually. I have another friend undergoing chemotherapy and she complains less. It’s such a stark contrast.

“No it doesn’t work for me any more”

The MN classic, but it works!

@mrsterrypratchett and my ex, I've always been main driver, driven all over Europe many times. Only time my ex was at the wheel he nearly killed us all driving to the ferry as he fell asleep within 10 minutes of taking over at 4. 00am! That was the last time he drove me and my kids on any holiday!

Sorry diverted thread......... But op just use the saying that I learnt from mumsnet, 'no is a full sentence' or 'that doesn't work for me' 🤣😂

I would politely decline. "I'm afraid we can't lift share next weekend as we have other plans"

"That isn't going to work for us this time I'm afield. See you there" something like that.

@Mossstitch yes you're right it's just "we can't lift share as that no longer works for me" forever!

It isn't lift sharing though, is it if it's only you doing the driving.

I am not a particularly assertive person and am generally a people pleaser. But I am not a complete push over.

I am pretty laid back generally so it takes a lot to push my buttons. My buttons have been pushed with this but I still feel deep down that I am being mean somehow. Because realistically she won’t drive herself and will wangle some other poor unsuspecting person to take her!

I think it’s to do with her pulling the environmental card rather than just telling the truth and being off with me about it

Because realistically she won’t drive herself and will wangle some other poor unsuspecting person to take her!

Which means the environment is safe and you don't have to see her. Win; win!

Ask her if she is do concerned about protecting the environment that she can drive you all there. When she says she doesn't want to because of nerves, tell her to get driving lessons then.

Does she drive a landrover/insert other non economical car that is massive? Bet she does.

What happens if you simply tell her it's her turn to drive?

@Newnameneededxx I am also not very assertive and a people pleaser, my relatively new mumsnet addiction has greatly helped me to try to put my needs as a priority too, it took til nearly 60 to put some boundaries in place and my life has been a lot less stressful since! Apart from the fact that her constant talking is affecting your driving, I also find this when I have a particular friend in the car who talks non stop, it can't be very nice for your children who may want to talk to you sometimes. I don't know your childrens ages but I found as they got older that car journeys were often the time that they confided in me or just had a generally good conversation.

If this was a one off like a wedding then a convenient relation might be useful, but for an ongoing situation I think that you need to tackle the issue head on. You can of course just refuse or be blunt with her. If you don't want to then either say that you are finding it hard to drive with talking and so you will just be playing (your choice of) music, or be honest about the topics and say that you have decided to try positive thinking/ talking as it helps you manage your stress.

“Normally I would but I have to have a long, private phone call this sorry”

Repeat at will.