Don’t want to lift share with friend....

[Newnameneededxx]

Aibu?

Friend doesn’t like driving anywhere she doesn’t know. Is only happy in local town/village. Has her own car but is ferried around on longer journeys by her dh. Doesn’t like motorway driving.

Our kids have a shared interest (sport). This can involve driving to different parts of the uk. My dh (or I) have driven her and her dc on quite a few occasions over the past few years if her dh is busy or working (Pre-covid). Sometimes she has wangled a lift with other families. They have never reciprocated, but her dh would if we were stuck for a lift and helps with local journeys if we are busy.

I don’t mind driving, but find it stressful taking passengers when I don’t know where I’m going. I need it quiet to concentrate on the road and hear the sat nav but friend talks incessantly which leaves me tense and stressed. I dread long journeys if I need to take passengers, but am fine with just me and dc. I think it’s because if I make mistakes or take a wrong turning it doesn’t matter! Plus I can have heater and radio on, stop when I want and generally relax!

We have another journey next weekend. Friend wants to liftshare. Effectively this means she wants me to take her but she never asks outright. We play the game of trying to decide how to get there and who will drive. At this point I usually offer to drive (to keep the peace). This time I haven’t offered....

There are a few reasons for this. One is that friend has started being very judgemental/bitchy about other mutual friends and I’m just not into that playground type behaviour.

Secondly, friend has started moaning (a lot) about her life, her health, her job, her family etc when we meet up and frankly I feel a bit like an unpaid counsellor. It’s exhausting and drains the life out of me. What used to be nice two-way conversations have turned into selfish outpourings from friend and I never get to talk about what is going on with me.

Friend was funny with me earlier this week and I think it may be about the lack of lift sharing next weekend. She said it is ridiculous to be doing the same journey and not share and is trying to use environmental reasons to shame me!

I see that this has been dealt with already (more or less). I think this is one of those times when it's actually more polite to be direct. Something like "I've given you quite a few lifts over the last XYZ months but I don't think you've given me one. I don't really enjoy having passengers so it feels quite unequal". Then stop. There's not a lot she can say to that.

In any case, she's going to avoid you for a bit now. Which is a win.

I don’t mind driving, but find it stressful taking passengers when I don’t know where I’m going. I need it quiet to concentrate on the road and hear the sat nav but friend talks incessantly which leaves me tense and stressed. I dread long journeys if I need to take passengers, but am fine with just me and dc. I think it’s because if I make mistakes or take a wrong turning it doesn’t matter! Plus I can have heater and radio on, stop when I want and generally relax!

I am the same. I’m more confident driving alone and hate driving somewhere I don’t know with passengers (except DH and sometimes even him!).

And it’s not lift sharing. Would be different if you had a definite taking turns arrangement.

Well done , at least you’ve broken the cycle!

When you see her there, I would say, I had a lovely one to one time with DC, they seem to open up more in the car, so I will not be giving lifts any more.
I know you' ll understand.
Why don't you get a few driving lessons for Xmas & get more comfortable on the motorway, it will be life changing for you & your family.

My car would be in for a service or repair that weekend and dh would be elsewhere. She can drive you for a change.

Just seen you have sorted it. Well Done. Just dont fall into her cf trap again x

She will spend the whole journey bending your other friend's ear about how awful you are and said friend will then realised why you ducked out of lift 'sharing'

Well done OP.

She really is a CF.

Avoid.

I would nip this in the bud and draw a close for a future and just say ‘over the last few years we’ve been doing a life share - but it’s become very much a one way system in your favour. You’d offered to give a lift this weekend and then let us down. It doesn’t seem equitable. So going forward I’d rather not been involved in any more ‘lift shares’ - hth me x

Or if you wanted to be very very non confrontational I’d say ‘hi just wanted to say after a family discussion we are going to use the car time to catch up as a family, stop and visit family & friends or sight see etc so we won’t be giving any non family members a lift anymore, have a great Christmas x’

Environmentally - if she comes back, remind her she can offer to give others a lift or catch the bus