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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Don’t want to lift share with friend....

134 replies

Newnameneededxx · 20/11/2021 16:10

Aibu?

Friend doesn’t like driving anywhere she doesn’t know. Is only happy in local town/village. Has her own car but is ferried around on longer journeys by her dh. Doesn’t like motorway driving.

Our kids have a shared interest (sport). This can involve driving to different parts of the uk. My dh (or I) have driven her and her dc on quite a few occasions over the past few years if her dh is busy or working (Pre-covid). Sometimes she has wangled a lift with other families. They have never reciprocated, but her dh would if we were stuck for a lift and helps with local journeys if we are busy.

I don’t mind driving, but find it stressful taking passengers when I don’t know where I’m going. I need it quiet to concentrate on the road and hear the sat nav but friend talks incessantly which leaves me tense and stressed. I dread long journeys if I need to take passengers, but am fine with just me and dc. I think it’s because if I make mistakes or take a wrong turning it doesn’t matter! Plus I can have heater and radio on, stop when I want and generally relax!

We have another journey next weekend. Friend wants to liftshare. Effectively this means she wants me to take her but she never asks outright. We play the game of trying to decide how to get there and who will drive. At this point I usually offer to drive (to keep the peace). This time I haven’t offered....

There are a few reasons for this. One is that friend has started being very judgemental/bitchy about other mutual friends and I’m just not into that playground type behaviour.

Secondly, friend has started moaning (a lot) about her life, her health, her job, her family etc when we meet up and frankly I feel a bit like an unpaid counsellor. It’s exhausting and drains the life out of me. What used to be nice two-way conversations have turned into selfish outpourings from friend and I never get to talk about what is going on with me.

Friend was funny with me earlier this week and I think it may be about the lack of lift sharing next weekend. She said it is ridiculous to be doing the same journey and not share and is trying to use environmental reasons to shame me!

OP posts:

CrimbleCrumble1 · 20/11/2021 17:38

I think it’s quite acceptable to say you need to really concentrate when driving to new places so you are going on your own.

Original poster

Newnameneededxx · 20/11/2021 17:40

@FatHat

What happens if you simply tell her it's her turn to drive?

I don’t know but I think she may agree and then have a problem with the car or her health or something in the morning and pull out.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 20/11/2021 17:41

Don't say normally you will.

Just don't offer.

If she asks, tell her it doesn't suit you.

So what if this user finds another victim.

Not your responsibility.

You are not mean.

You owe her nothing.

You don't owe her your company or time.

Howshouldibehave · 20/11/2021 17:47

If she’s being funny with you, that’s the perfect reason to withdraw from the friendship.

If anyone asks what happened-say you felt she was using you for lifts.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/11/2021 17:50

I don’t know but I think she may agree and then have a problem with the car or her health or something in the morning and pull out.

Pull out and you have to drive or pull out and she doesn't go?

She's so cheeky, you really are going to have to copy her tactics!

Santaischeckinglists · 20/11/2021 17:52

Could you get a lift? Say your car is off the road.
Shame no space for her. Force her to get herself there.

Schoolchoicesucks · 20/11/2021 17:54

Would you feel the same way if you were just taking her dc (without her)?

Would that be an option? All the environmental benefits and you don't have to put up with conversation?

CrimbleCrumble1 · 20/11/2021 17:58

Is there a reason her DH can’t take their DC? Sorry if I’ve missed this if you’ve already said.

IncompleteSenten · 20/11/2021 17:59

You could always tell her you don't want to because she has become very critical and unkind about people and you really don't want to have to listen to it

That way you don't have to take her or be her friend. Job done.

Scottishskifun · 20/11/2021 18:01

Just don't offer.
If she asks outright say its not going to work this time for me and leave it as that. If she pushes then just say your doing something after and again don't explain

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/11/2021 18:04

It sounds as if she’s a drain. I get it. I am also a people pleaser. I’ve taken a big step back from someone, who I’ve helped a lot only to gaslight me when I asked for support on something.

Much as I get you may want to talk to her about her behaviour, tbh it isn’t worth it. She’s not going to change for you and if she does it, it will be superficial and begrudging, to please you, eg ‘look what I did for Newname”.

She is nervous driving somewhere she doesn’t know. You’re nervous driving somewhere you don’t know with passengers. You’ll see her there.

WallaceinAnderland · 20/11/2021 18:19

Don't offer and if she asks to lift share say 'Actually, I'm just going to drive myself so I'll see you there'. If she talks about the environment say 'It's not great, I agree' and leave it at that. If she pushes, tell her to leave it now. If she continues after that, just ignore her messages.

DeeCeeCherry · 20/11/2021 18:22

You're not real friends if you can't find a diplomatic way to say NO/tell her how exhausting all this is.

Original poster

Newnameneededxx · 20/11/2021 18:23

@Schoolchoicesucks

Would you feel the same way if you were just taking her dc (without her)?

Would that be an option? All the environmental benefits and you don't have to put up with conversation?

No I’d be fine with just her dc as they’d be listening to their own music but friend wants to go as does not want to miss out.

OP posts:

Original poster

Newnameneededxx · 20/11/2021 18:24

@WallaceinAnderland

This is what I’ve done, but feel very bad about it, hence the Aibu

OP posts:

PeachesPumpkin · 20/11/2021 18:24

Say you are stopping off to meet someone on the way there/back and can’t share.

Original poster

Newnameneededxx · 20/11/2021 18:26

@CrimbleCrumble1

Is there a reason her DH can’t take their DC? Sorry if I’ve missed this if you’ve already said.

He offered initially but friend wants to go. It’s one adult per child due to covid.

She wanted her dh to drop her there and pick her up but it’s a 2 hour drive away.

Now she says he is busy.

OP posts:

Riverlee · 20/11/2021 18:26

Can you have somewhere else to go en route or on the way home which makes it impossible to take her… .

I do have sympathy with her. I’m not keen on driving long distances also.

However, I also sympathise with you. Apart from immediate family, I don’t feel comfortable about having passengers either. Partly for the reasons you gave, but also because I feel responsible for them. If I crash, their lives are in danger!

Original poster

Newnameneededxx · 20/11/2021 18:27

@PeachesPumpkin

Say you are stopping off to meet someone on the way there/back and can’t share.

I just worry about lying as I’ll probably drop myself in it and look a fool!

OP posts:

SaturdaySummer · 20/11/2021 18:28

@Newnameneededxx

To be honest I’m not sure if I can cope with even sharing as a passenger....

I just want to get myself and dc there on our own to maintain my sanity!

Friend is draining the energy out of me at the moment. Is becoming totally obsessed with environmental issues (unless it affects her travel plans) and even told me off for buying a few decorative balloons for my dc’s birthday party.

She has suddenly become massively judgemental but in a completely hypocritical way, as it’s only towards others and what they do. It’s exhausting and stressful.

I would just say you're going to take yo own car so you can have a bit more room.

NeverEndingFireworks · 20/11/2021 18:32

Some people are energy vampires. I think you have to find a way to say 'no' to this woman that you are comfortable with.

trumpisagit · 20/11/2021 18:32

How about
"we may have other plans on Sunday, and just want to keep it flexible, so won't be able to offer you a lift. Hopefully see you there."

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/11/2021 18:32

And lying doesn't solve the issue. Good boundaries do.

SageRosemary · 20/11/2021 18:41

Is your DC old enough to sit in the front passenger seat? She might be less annoying sitting behind you.

Herani · 20/11/2021 18:43

I feel for you. I have a similar situation with an old friend who can't drive for health reasons.
She doesn't draw a breath for the whole journey and I'm not a nervous driver, just like peace and quiet in the car and the ability to concentrate.
I adore her, but it's really hard to say 'no'. I have used the excuse of needing to go one to someplace else.
If I were you, I'd say that I'm really sorry but I really struggle with conversation in the car - with her or anyone. She understands, of course, because of her own anxiety?

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