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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t want to lift share with friend....

134 replies

Newnameneededxx · 20/11/2021 16:10

Aibu?

Friend doesn’t like driving anywhere she doesn’t know. Is only happy in local town/village. Has her own car but is ferried around on longer journeys by her dh. Doesn’t like motorway driving.

Our kids have a shared interest (sport). This can involve driving to different parts of the uk. My dh (or I) have driven her and her dc on quite a few occasions over the past few years if her dh is busy or working (Pre-covid). Sometimes she has wangled a lift with other families. They have never reciprocated, but her dh would if we were stuck for a lift and helps with local journeys if we are busy.

I don’t mind driving, but find it stressful taking passengers when I don’t know where I’m going. I need it quiet to concentrate on the road and hear the sat nav but friend talks incessantly which leaves me tense and stressed. I dread long journeys if I need to take passengers, but am fine with just me and dc. I think it’s because if I make mistakes or take a wrong turning it doesn’t matter! Plus I can have heater and radio on, stop when I want and generally relax!

We have another journey next weekend. Friend wants to liftshare. Effectively this means she wants me to take her but she never asks outright. We play the game of trying to decide how to get there and who will drive. At this point I usually offer to drive (to keep the peace). This time I haven’t offered....

There are a few reasons for this. One is that friend has started being very judgemental/bitchy about other mutual friends and I’m just not into that playground type behaviour.

Secondly, friend has started moaning (a lot) about her life, her health, her job, her family etc when we meet up and frankly I feel a bit like an unpaid counsellor. It’s exhausting and drains the life out of me. What used to be nice two-way conversations have turned into selfish outpourings from friend and I never get to talk about what is going on with me.

Friend was funny with me earlier this week and I think it may be about the lack of lift sharing next weekend. She said it is ridiculous to be doing the same journey and not share and is trying to use environmental reasons to shame me!

OP posts:
thenightsky · 20/11/2021 18:53

I've got one of these, but, to be honest, I'd rather drive. The one time I let her she scared me to death and nearly killed both of us!

ikeptgoing · 20/11/2021 19:22

I think the plan of inaction and not responding is best. She's being 'funny with you' anyway

Whatever you say, she will find a reason why you must drive her and her DC. She's had plenty of time to get used to the idea of driving or to make plans that DH takes their child. If isn't lift sharing like others said, it's been her expecting lifts from you all the time . And she's no longer good company in the car snd is distracting the driver

Really you want to say "I want to have peace and quiet in the car just DC and me. I'm always driving you and you moan a lot."

But if you did say that she'd take umbrage , promise to be quiet but then I sit in a big talk about " how you hurt her feelz just like that horrible Barbara did last week and did you see..." . It sounds like she can't help herself and she's draining to be around these days.

So I would avoid and say will see you there if she asks. And "Can't" if she pins you down, whilst walking away. Texts you can ignore.

WhenPushComesToShove · 20/11/2021 19:31

Say, 'I'm going to be honest with you; I really value the time that the kid(s) and I share in the car together and would rather you made other arrangements. I do hope you understand'.

You don't like her anyway so you have nothing to lose

Maskless · 20/11/2021 19:38

Tell her that you and DC are staying overnight in a hotel (make up a reason) so you can't take her.

That will fob her off till you find a way out permanently.

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 20/11/2021 19:41

How about saying that the kids are at an age now where they talk to you really well in the car (when no one else is around) and you want to spend someone-on-one time with them so won't be "sharing" lifts for the foreseeable.

ikeptgoing · 20/11/2021 19:41

@WhenPushComesToShove

Say, 'I'm going to be honest with you; I really value the time that the kid(s) and I share in the car together and would rather you made other arrangements. I do hope you understand'.

You don't like her anyway so you have nothing to lose

That's good way of phrasing it

It leaves little argument and avoids saying "your company in the car is distracting and soul sucking" Grin

RockNRollMartian · 20/11/2021 19:54

Yes, I'd also go the route of saying you want to spend that time talking with your child.

YANBU!

MaggieFS · 20/11/2021 20:00

Don't push foot around the whose turn is it issue. Face it head on or you'll never resolve it.

'I'm sorry, but I also find driving long distances to unfamiliar places stressful and as I don't share your passion for the environmental cause, I can't face xx hours of debate because I need a calm atmosphere while driving. Please can you make your own arrangements this time'.

Actually bollocks to that. Just say 'please make your own arrangements this time'. You don't have to explain yourself.

billy1966 · 20/11/2021 20:17

Don't tell any lies, they invariably come back and bite you and why should you.

I have said No and when people tried to discuss my No, I simply didn't reply to further texts.

I simply wouldn't engage further.

TurquoiseDragon · 20/11/2021 20:19

@WhenPushComesToShove

Say, 'I'm going to be honest with you; I really value the time that the kid(s) and I share in the car together and would rather you made other arrangements. I do hope you understand'.

You don't like her anyway so you have nothing to lose

I like this. Say with a smile, then she'll have no way to argue, because she'll look like a tit.
Scoobydoobywho · 20/11/2021 20:24

Is it lift "sharing" if its you doing the majority of the driving on joint journeys!

Unmerited · 20/11/2021 20:32

@trumpisagit

How about "we may have other plans on Sunday, and just want to keep it flexible, so won't be able to offer you a lift. Hopefully see you there."
Perfect. Or ‘I need some one to one time with DC so we’re driving ourselves this time, but thanks for the offer’ Grin
billy1966 · 20/11/2021 20:37

I think if you have to say something, say that the drive is a perfect opportunity for much needed one on one time.

But you really do owe her nothing.

Pull back.
Avoid her there.
Don't meet for coffee.
She is a user.

Cut her loose.

Hankunamatata · 20/11/2021 20:42

Your not comfortable sharing due to covid - keep repeating

saraclara · 20/11/2021 20:47

"I find it distracting having a passenger, and talking distracts me from the road. I find long journeys stressful already and I really need to be quiet and focus."

That's pretty much what you said in the OP, and I'm the same. So say that. A four hour return journey is tiring. And infinitely more so if your brain is being taken up by someone who wants to talk all the time. I put calming radio on and zone out (though not from driving, obviously!)

saraclara · 20/11/2021 20:50

How about
"we may have other plans on Sunday, and just want to keep it flexible, so won't be able to offer you a lift. Hopefully see you there."

That's what I would actually say (and have done), because I'm a bit of a wuss. Also then if you do come straight back, well your flexible plans turned out that way.

I'm lucky to have friends and relatives scattered about the country, so "I might nip to see Auntie Joan on the way back" is totally believable (and sometimes I do)

Yummymummy2020 · 20/11/2021 20:51

She sounds like a user op, I had one of those and was happy to get rid even though I felt bad and sad at the time!!!

FrancescaContini · 20/11/2021 20:51

She needs to get a grip and learn how to drive to unknown places herself. She sounds ridiculous.

Yogaandcocoa · 20/11/2021 20:56

Don't take her OP

You're not on this Earth just to please other people

YANBU

BungleandGeorge · 20/11/2021 20:58

It is a bit ridiculous all parents driving a long distance separately. Maybe you could suggest she organises a team bus? She’s not lift sharing she’s using you as a taxi? I wouldn’t feel bad in not offering!

Bollindger · 20/11/2021 21:04

You tell her it just isn't possible.
If she asks why you tell her it is a private matter.
if she still ask, just repeat it just isn't possible.

whynotwhatknot · 20/11/2021 21:11

its not sharing at all is it

my sister does this every excuse as to why she cant drive somewhere shes tired its too long etc

although the last time she drove s somewhere i nearly had a heart attack so maybe its best she doesnt

daisyjgrey · 20/11/2021 21:13

How do all these people who are 'only comfortable driving locally' actually go anywhere...?

Summerfun54321 · 20/11/2021 21:16

Say you’re happy to take her DC but you’ve had a stressful week and need some quite on the journey so you could take her DC if she comes with some headphones and something to listen to or watch. It seems a shame for the kid to miss out because her mum is annoying, cheeky and incompetent. Then you’re not lying at all and if she’s off with you for only taking her DC, nip the whole thing in the bud and never offer again.

Summerfun54321 · 20/11/2021 21:16

*quiet