Don’t want to lift share with friend....

[Newnameneededxx]

Aibu?

Friend doesn’t like driving anywhere she doesn’t know. Is only happy in local town/village. Has her own car but is ferried around on longer journeys by her dh. Doesn’t like motorway driving.

Our kids have a shared interest (sport). This can involve driving to different parts of the uk. My dh (or I) have driven her and her dc on quite a few occasions over the past few years if her dh is busy or working (Pre-covid). Sometimes she has wangled a lift with other families. They have never reciprocated, but her dh would if we were stuck for a lift and helps with local journeys if we are busy.

I don’t mind driving, but find it stressful taking passengers when I don’t know where I’m going. I need it quiet to concentrate on the road and hear the sat nav but friend talks incessantly which leaves me tense and stressed. I dread long journeys if I need to take passengers, but am fine with just me and dc. I think it’s because if I make mistakes or take a wrong turning it doesn’t matter! Plus I can have heater and radio on, stop when I want and generally relax!

We have another journey next weekend. Friend wants to liftshare. Effectively this means she wants me to take her but she never asks outright. We play the game of trying to decide how to get there and who will drive. At this point I usually offer to drive (to keep the peace). This time I haven’t offered....

There are a few reasons for this. One is that friend has started being very judgemental/bitchy about other mutual friends and I’m just not into that playground type behaviour.

Secondly, friend has started moaning (a lot) about her life, her health, her job, her family etc when we meet up and frankly I feel a bit like an unpaid counsellor. It’s exhausting and drains the life out of me. What used to be nice two-way conversations have turned into selfish outpourings from friend and I never get to talk about what is going on with me.

Friend was funny with me earlier this week and I think it may be about the lack of lift sharing next weekend. She said it is ridiculous to be doing the same journey and not share and is trying to use environmental reasons to shame me!

All these fucking ridiculous suggestions to lie or make up excuses, just deal with the fucking issue.

Well you've told her now so it's done. Don't feel bad about it, you have every right to refuse her a lift. Enjoy your peaceful journey!

but friend talks incessantly which leaves me tense and stressed.

You don’t have to go with her her if you don’t want to, but if this scenario, ifs causing problems, just tell her you need to concentrate so does she mind being quiet for a bit.

I am always amazed at how reticent people are just to say what they need.

I would just ignore her now. You've already told her that you can't car share that day.

@trumpisagit

How about "we may have other plans on Sunday, and just want to keep it flexible, so won't be able to offer you a lift. Hopefully see you there."

This is a great option and isn’t a lie at all, you do have other plans - your plan is to listen to your own music in peace!

I don’t think I could be friends with a woman who couldn’t drive non-locally - it’s a bit wimpy and speaks to personality traits I don’t seek out in people.

Don’t lie, really don’t. You’ll look bad and you’re not in the wrong here and will just kick the can fit her down the road. Her kids do an activity that involves travelling around the country but she doesn’t like to drive and her husband is busy at the weekends. So unfortunately it looks like the kids can’t do the activity. Such is life. She needs to find them a hobby closer to home. It’s not the end of the world

I don’t think I could be friends with a woman who couldn’t drive non-locally - it’s a bit wimpy and speaks to personality traits I don’t seek out in people.

This is what I always think @flamed02 if you're such a nervous driver that you can only cope with your local town, you shouldn't be driving.

@daisyjgrey

I don’t think I could be friends with a woman who couldn’t drive non-locally - it’s a bit wimpy and speaks to personality traits I don’t seek out in people.

This is what I always think @flamed02 if you're such a nervous driver that you can only cope with your local town, you shouldn't be driving.

Agreed

“I must be honest, I haven’t mentioned taking you because I don’t feel I can. Much like you can drive but can’t go far, I’ve reached the stage where I can’t manage driving with adults in the car. Happy to take the kids if ever you’re stuck, but we’re admitting defeat and just taking ourselves now. See you there”

She's a nervous driver because she's been allowed to be. Everyone panders to her! She's a cf expecting everyone to ferry her around when she's a grown woman with a car and a license.

The friendship has clearly run its course and I think you can kill two birds with one stone by ending the friendship now. "I don't want to lift share with you because over the past year you've become someone I don't recognise/don't want to spend time with, let alone in on a car journey you never reciprocate!"

@Thehop

“I must be honest, I haven’t mentioned taking you because I don’t feel I can. Much like you can drive but can’t go far, I’ve reached the stage where I can’t manage driving with adults in the car. Happy to take the kids if ever you’re stuck, but we’re admitting defeat and just taking ourselves now. See you there”

Why bother passing a driving test if you're unwilling to do motorways...

I wouldn't offer to drive her either, she needs to sort her shit out.

@Chely

Why bother passing a driving test if you're unwilling to do motorways...

I wouldn't offer to drive her either, she needs to sort her shit out.

To get from A to B?

I’m unwilling to do motorways, but use my car to go shopping, take dc to clubs, visit friends etc, I have plenty of use for my car without going near a motorway.

If I want to go further afield, dh drives or I catch a train,

@Riverlee Why are you averse to motorways? What about dual carriageways?

@Thehop

“I must be honest, I haven’t mentioned taking you because I don’t feel I can. Much like you can drive but can’t go far, I’ve reached the stage where I can’t manage driving with adults in the car. Happy to take the kids if ever you’re stuck, but we’re admitting defeat and just taking ourselves now. See you there”

Perfect response if you ask me.

Very clear but doesn't specifically blame her.

That sounds awful for you - and probably you have her tagging on for the event as well as the journey there and back. I'd hate that too!

I think be honest with her and just say "I find it stressful with other people in the car so I'm just going with my kids. See you there!" and give a cheery wave when you see her. Honestly if she can't get her and her DC there it's not your problem. Distance from her so she doesn't have so many opportunities to ask as well.

[quote daisyjgrey]@Riverlee Why are you averse to motorways? What about dual carriageways?[/quote]
I feel trapped on them, and slightly intimidated. On a normal road, if you want to take a break, you can just turn off. On a motorway, there’s large gaps between exits. Also don’t like the speed.

Don’t mind local, shorter dual carriageways. However, there’s a couple which are more like motorways near me, and they’ve given me panic attacks in the past.

I’m more than happy driving locally or along a-roads, but motorways are another thing.

Ps. Don’t mind being a passenger on motorways.

An update....

I didn’t offer to drive this time so eventually Friend said she would drive us. I said “ok thanks, I may come with you or I may just drive myself and dc. I will let you know on Friday.”

Saw friend on Friday, who was very off with me, no idea why! She said she’d asked someone else (another friend) to give her and her dc a lift so could I get myself there. I breezily said “yes that’s fine” but friend still in a huff! Presumably because I didn’t offer to drive!!

@Newnameneededxx

An update....

I didn’t offer to drive this time so eventually Friend said she would drive us. I said “ok thanks, I may come with you or I may just drive myself and dc. I will let you know on Friday.”

Saw friend on Friday, who was very off with me, no idea why! She said she’d asked someone else (another friend) to give her and her dc a lift so could I get myself there. I breezily said “yes that’s fine” but friend still in a huff! Presumably because I didn’t offer to drive!!

Good update! Sounds as though she has got the message. Don’t offer to drive this week, if she asks say you assumed the arrangement was she would be going with x from now on. If she says that was a one off then say “ok, what time do you want to pick us up” .

And breathe a sigh of relief. You have been dumped for the next mug...

eventually Friend said she would drive us

She clearly had no intention of doing that at all. Cheeky fucker.

@Newnameneededxx

An update....

I didn’t offer to drive this time so eventually Friend said she would drive us. I said “ok thanks, I may come with you or I may just drive myself and dc. I will let you know on Friday.”

Saw friend on Friday, who was very off with me, no idea why! She said she’d asked someone else (another friend) to give her and her dc a lift so could I get myself there. I breezily said “yes that’s fine” but friend still in a huff! Presumably because I didn’t offer to drive!!

That just screams at me that she wasn't going to drive at all....she was waiting for you to step up and say that you'd take her and her kids to the event, which you didn't do. That's why she is off with you. She realises that you've copped her modus operandi here and she is going to have to come up with something new or different in order to get you to be her chauffeur.

Also, you quite subtly established a boundary. Now the trick is to repeat this, over and over and get less and less subtle in the delivery.

Baffles me that anyone can be this tone deaf. Well done OP, fingers crossed that she's latched on to someone else now.

Phew.