Am I being selfish for not wanting to drive my mum?

[amibeingselfishorwhat]

My mum moved to be nearer to me and the DC's which is an hour away from our hometown where my grandma lives. Anyway my grandma is very old and in her last days and my auntie who is her full time carer needs some
Help.

My mum is saying she wants to go down for a few days and help out and asked if I can take her, this would be an ongoing thing until grandma passes.

I said to my mum you need to learn to get the train I can't keep driving down and up and I'm 6 months pregnant and it's exhausting. She is saying she is too scared to use the train.

AIBU to not want to keep on doing it? Or do I just suck it up as my grandma probably doesn't have that long.

Covid rates are high where I am and trains are often packed, so if I was a 65yo visiting a 96yo I wouldn't particularly fancy risking Covid.

In a pre-covid world I'd think she's being ridiculous though.

It really sounds like you don't have long to worry about this though, so I'd suck it up and drive a couple more times. You shouldn't really have to because it's a lot to ask but I wouldn't want to spoil the memories of the time they had left together.

Are there other relatives from your old place that can pick your mother up and drive her to your aunts house? Why does it have to be only you? My mother is like yours and expects everything from me and nothing from herself. I think it’s disgusting she moved close to you only to impose on you. I doubt she was ever required to put in the same effort ever in her life. She is so selfish for running you into the ground. When I realised my mother would never have bothered to herself do similar things for others I put a stop to her manipulative of me. I think you should only drive if you want to see your grandmother.

OP, by the sounds of your grandmother’s condition, they really do need visiting carers. Adult Services should do a care needs assessment.

If there was regular experienced care to help your aunt, you could then concentrate on visiting, taking your Mum, at a time you can fit into your life.

You've got 2 children so you should be able to appreciate what your Mum has done for you all your life. Driving 1h there and back for her to see your granny is not such hard work, unless you're having a complicated pregnancy.

@amibeingselfishorwhat

Mum is 65 fit and healthy just anxious getting the train.

I do everything for my mum and drive her everywhere, since she has moved closer to me she relies on me to take her everywhere.

So she needs to get a senior railcard, put her big girl pants on and stop being so dependent on the OP for everything. She is only 2 years older than me. I hope I won't be so hopeless in 2 years time.

Mum would get the train round the corner from hers and then change at Birmingham then direct train from birmingham

Could you take your mother to Birmingham so her train journey doesn't require changes?

What is she really scared of, in catching the train? Covid? Getting lost? Any friends of volunteers who could do the journey with her?

If it's a question of driving her there one day and then picking her up say a week later, then I think you should do it, but of it's there and back in the same day or weekend, then no.

It sure I follow this. The amount of driving for OP on any one day would be the same.

There is some shocking guilt tripping going on on this thread for a working mother with a difficult pregnancy.

I agree.

I had hyperemesis throughout my entire pregnancy. No one asked anything of me. It’s a dreadful condition - I cannot believe the entitlement of your mum to expect this of you.

You are not selfish.

All the posters saying “I would do ANYTHING for my mum”, well that’s not healthy and certainly not something to be bragging about.

Do not set off down this path whereby you put your needs last. Your mum is 65. She can get the train. It’s just easier for her if you (her daughter who is suffering from HG, working and has two young children) drove her.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand the situation is upsetting for your mum, but really, asking you to drive her should be her LAST option.

If anyone's lost their arsehole it's ok, it's on this thread somewhere, some sort of siren call...
OP, if you weren't pregnant, ill, looking after two kids and working, obviously you'd be the person your DM should ask for help here.
However, as things stand you should not be guilt tripped like this. You do as much as you can without risking your own health or letting your kids down and however much or little that may be as your pregnancy progresses the only thing DM should say is "thank you".
I'd do this for my mum if I could but the difference is my mum would never ask if I was in your position.

Personally I would help, but I was always close to my grandparents so would see it as an opportunity to visit them too. If I got to a stage where it got too much I would say so but I think I would give it a go before deciding.

@DrGoogleSaysSo

You've got 2 children so you should be able to appreciate what your Mum has done for you all your life. Driving 1h there and back for her to see your granny is not such hard work, unless you're having a complicated pregnancy.

SHE HAS HYPEREMISIS.

And when during the week does an exhausted pregnant woman who works f/t and have children, set off on a 3 hour visiting commitment?

Having seen your most recent post about how much Grandma has deteriorated I think for now I would just do it. Sorry OP I know it's upsetting (Grandma I mean).
But I would work on your mum's confidence on trains in the future , i.e. go on some train journeys together to support her. At 65 she's too young to be completely reliant on you sll the time when you have your own DC and job , responsibilities etc.
Definitely something to work on with her but now is probably not the time.

Some of the suggestions here!

I can tell you that when I was working f/t with young children it certainly would not have been ‘the highlight of my week’ to spend weekend time in a random cafe an hour from home as ‘child free time’ ! I wanted to be with my children.

OP, don't let anyone here on MN guilt you. You're not obligated to take DM anywhere. Especially with everything else you have going on.

I would never dream of burdening my adult kids who have their own lives to be my personal driver. I would figure it out myself. My kids aren't obligated to drop everything and neglect their own lives for me just because I raised them. That was my job and duty. It's not my kids duty to neglect their own lives for me because I can't take a damn train by myself.

Don't feel any guilt! If you feel up to driving, do it. But don't let anyone make you feel like you have to push your kids aside, push your job aside, push your own wellbeing aside to drive your mom all over. A reasonable parent wouldn't even ask that of their heavily pregnant daughter who also has other kids at home.

@notangelinajolie

So many cold hearted posts - this thread makes me feel very sad.

I agree. All those saying that her mother should "get a grip" because she suffers from anxiety around travelling on public transport should be ashamed. Yes, her mother does need help dealing with her anxiety, but have to tried getting a doctor's appointment for the last couple of years? Posters on here only think anxiety only matters in younger people, if its anyone over 60, it seems like its their own fault. Their lives are two thirds over so they don't matter, they are past their usefulness. My mother in law got more and more anxious as she got older. She sought help, nothing helped. In the end she was wishing herself dead because she thought she was a burden.

@CharlotteRose90

Sorry but you are selfish. I’d do anything to help my mum and would have done anything for my nana. It’s once a week not once a day. My mum would be too scared to take a train as she’s elderly and less mobile I’d take her In a heartbeat.

The thing is, you can't judge everyone by what you know yourself. Not everyone has the same relationships with their parents, different dynamics etc.

@VillageOf8

OP, don't let anyone here on MN guilt you. You're not obligated to take DM anywhere. Especially with everything else you have going on.

I would never dream of burdening my adult kids who have their own lives to be my personal driver. I would figure it out myself. My kids aren't obligated to drop everything and neglect their own lives for me just because I raised them. That was my job and duty. It's not my kids duty to neglect their own lives for me because I can't take a damn train by myself.

Don't feel any guilt! If you feel up to driving, do it. But don't let anyone make you feel like you have to push your kids aside, push your job aside, push your own wellbeing aside to drive your mom all over. A reasonable parent wouldn't even ask that of their heavily pregnant daughter who also has other kids at home.

Exactly, my dm is an expert at emotional blackmail so I totally sympathise

Only read the OP's comments but is there a DP / DH who can help? (either dropping her or collecting her)

I'm not sure the OPs DM does suffer with anxiety. Being anxious isn't the same as having anxiety. I'm often anxious, especially in unfamiliar situations, that's just how I am. It doesn't mean I suffer from the crippling panic attacks etc that are part of an actual anxiety disorder. Being anxious about something doesn't necessarily need medical help, the OP hasn't suggested that her DM has a mental illness, so helping her get used to using the train and overcome her fears may well be all that is required.

Is there not a compromise where you take a train journey with your mum to visit your Gran as a practice. I sympathise with the exhaustion of pregnancy so not say UABU as you have a right to make reasonable decisions about your health. But I will say, in terms of how to approach this with your mum, that loosing a parent is a very difficult and emotive time. When you feel yourself about to criticise your mum for not being streetwise enough to get the train or whatever else just think to yourself how would you feel if it was her that was dying and would you be happy with your future DC just supporting you through gritted teeth waiting out your mothers passing?

And if Covid is the issue, maybe buying a car and learning to drive is a solution. My uncle was nearly 60 when he learnt to drive, I don't see why a 65 year old couldn't do it. But expecting your adult daughter to ferry you around, when they have a job and three kids, most certainly is not a reasonable solution. DM can always get a taxi if the alternatives aren't palatable.

Sorry to hear about your grandma, but there is no way I would be driving your mums around like this at 6m pregnant.

She is 65?! I will be teaching classes of 30 5 year olds at that age (and for another 3 years afterwards, before I can collect my pension!)-she can get a train, she just doesn’t want to.

I’d offer to do the train journey with her.

I would describe the new New Street Station as impressive but scary to navigate for someone who is not used to getting the train. Probably would be best to go with her and leave a bit of extra changing time so she can get the layout down.

Do you have a partner or husband who could drive her ? Id possibly do it one time as an act of good will but not back and forth. If she really wants to to she CAN get the train. I remember being 6 months pregnant with my 3rd and travelling was exhausting. You need to look after yourself and put yourself first. Theres other options for your mum such as buses or a taxi. Its not your job to drive her about.