Am I being selfish for not wanting to drive my mum?

[amibeingselfishorwhat]

My mum moved to be nearer to me and the DC's which is an hour away from our hometown where my grandma lives. Anyway my grandma is very old and in her last days and my auntie who is her full time carer needs some
Help.

My mum is saying she wants to go down for a few days and help out and asked if I can take her, this would be an ongoing thing until grandma passes.

I said to my mum you need to learn to get the train I can't keep driving down and up and I'm 6 months pregnant and it's exhausting. She is saying she is too scared to use the train.

AIBU to not want to keep on doing it? Or do I just suck it up as my grandma probably doesn't have that long.

I have been in your Aunt's position and it is soul destroying. Not only that it is detrimental to her mental and physical health.
There are many reasons why 65 year olds do not like to travel alone on public transport especially with changes of trains. Someone said they did not like Birmingham station. It would be giving your DM extra stress just as her own DM is about to leave this world.
You could be adding to the stress of DGM in her last days the expectation to travel alone when worried and failing to assist DAunt to get a break.
You may never see DGM alive again.
I would not like that on my conscience.
People drive a lot more than 1 hour to and another 1 hour back from work everyday.
This can only be for a limited period of time.

Tell you whats wrong and unhealthy - telling a pregnant woman that she doesn't have a pregnancy related illness.
I mean, the mother can't be that anxious and the grandmother is probably not even that ill.
See how that works?

@amibeingselfishorwhat

Yanbu you're not selfish to feel too unwell to drive over 2 hours in a day to give someone a lift, especially as you've hypermeaisi and 6 mo PG, when DM (who you said is 65, fit and healthy) can catch a train. She's an adult.

If DGM is really going downhill (stopping eating entirely is usually a sign of is for more than couple days), then you may want to drive up sooner rather than later or get someone else to drive you with DM. But as you've DCs to get back to, you can leave DM there and she can catch a train back herself when she wants to leave.

It depends on what you mean by anxiety. As "anxious because never caught train on own before & prefer to let others run around after you" is not same as clinical level "anxiety disorder" . I'm reading that you mean the first scenario.

There must be another solution that doesn't rely on the heavily pregnant ill mum having to drive long journeys to ferry people around. That's what taxis are for. Your mum could negotiate a price with local taxi firm if she wanted. Or ask a friend who drives.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong or unhealthy to want to do as much as you can to help your mother.

You said it yourself: AS MUCH AS YOU CAN.

Proclaiming you would do “anything” and in the OP’s circumstances, is extremely unhealthy and probably best explored with a therapist.

65 is very young to be acting so helpless most people of her age will still be working - my 65 year old DH is currently 13 hours into a 24 hour shift in emergency MH services and has texted to say that he hasn't managed to sit down or eat since he started this am

@User57327259

I have been in your Aunt's position and it is soul destroying. Not only that it is detrimental to her mental and physical health. There are many reasons why 65 year olds do not like to travel alone on public transport especially with changes of trains. Someone said they did not like Birmingham station. It would be giving your DM extra stress just as her own DM is about to leave this world. You could be adding to the stress of DGM in her last days the expectation to travel alone when worried and failing to assist DAunt to get a break. You may never see DGM alive again. I would not like that on my conscience. People drive a lot more than 1 hour to and another 1 hour back from work everyday. This can only be for a limited period of time.

Doing all the travelling will also gives Extra stress to the OP who is 6 months pg, has HG (aka is ILL herself) still works full time and has two young children to look after. It’s not as if she was a SAHM with an easy pg

So why does the extra burden matter more for the mother than fir the OP?
The reality is that the situation is crap fir all concerned. That means everyone needs to make an effort. Not just the OP (or the aunt for that matter).
After all the mother knew this would be an issue when she moved away from her own mum v

Carers have started coming twice a day but they just changed grandmas pad then leave, then come back again in evening.

I could take mum to Birmingham but it doesn't take much time of the journey so I may aswell take her the whole way.

I've only just got back from visiting grandma, OH is frustrated with my mum and thinks I need to let her go on the train by herself sometimes. He thinks it's disgusting that she won't even try by herself and is flat our refusing considering her own mum is In last days. So this will cause arguments now! I've just had enough

I'm exhausted and don't think I can do that every 3 days, it wouldn't be so bad if mum could just deal with her sister for a week but she's not even willing to just ride it out.

2 kids, a job and 6 months pregnant! No wonder you are reluctant to be a taxi service. Get the train with your mum. Once you’ve done it with her she should feel more confident- bring a magazine, knitting, colouring book , anything to keep her occupied and distract her from her anxiety. When you take her on the train the second time , sit in the next carriage just for reassurance. Explain that you really can’t be relied upon to drive - you’re knackered but you would like to help her be more independent. What if granny lasts another year? Will you be expected to chauffeur her around after you e given birth? There is truth in that saying - you can’t pour from an empty cup - you’ll run yourself into the ground if you keep putting yourself last. Your mum can take the train

Would the coach be feasible. Less daunting than train stations.
Or any else where she could switch trains.
My nan refused to use new street station and always used snowhill or moor st in brum.

@PerfectlyUnsuitable

It should be that everyone pulls their weight. DM should help DAunt with their joint Mother who is in the last stages of life. OP's DP is adding to the problems by being huffy with OP over DM. Maybe DP should drive OP's DM to wherever the DGM lives or mind DC while OP does the driving.
There is nothing worse than having to spend the rest of your life with the regret that you were not there when a relative died or that you made no effort in the last few days. This is to protect OP's own conscience.
Sometimes in life we have to dig very deep when life gets so difficult to find a way to do things to help a situation

No, I wouldn't have even done it once

A 65 year old should have got trains dozens of times in her life

It's literally a decade older than me and I will still be training/tubing across London then

Ridiculous helplessness

There are many reasons why 65 year olds do not like to travel alone on public transport especially with changes of trains

This is sounding little ageist. 65 isn't that old. It is only two years older than I am.

I don't understand women who like to play the helpless victim (at any age). Unless there is something else going on why isn't the 65 year old mum more self sufficient and independent?

[quote User57327259]@PerfectlyUnsuitable

It should be that everyone pulls their weight. DM should help DAunt with their joint Mother who is in the last stages of life. OP's DP is adding to the problems by being huffy with OP over DM. Maybe DP should drive OP's DM to wherever the DGM lives or mind DC while OP does the driving.
There is nothing worse than having to spend the rest of your life with the regret that you were not there when a relative died or that you made no effort in the last few days. This is to protect OP's own conscience.
Sometimes in life we have to dig very deep when life gets so difficult to find a way to do things to help a situation[/quote]
Doesn’t seem to have bothered DM when she move£ away from her own mother with no plan as to how she would get back to care for her in her final days.

She was clearly happy to leave the care to her sister while she could latch onto OP and cadge lifts about town.

She's losing her mum so this situation isn't the norm. I think tbh you take her on your terms and then in the future put your foot down if she's demanding. This isn't is the time for that confrontation.

OP the compromise is obvious here surely? You say to your mother that because you're pregnant, and busy and exhausted you are only prepared to do the journey once a week. Her choices are a) stay the week or b) get the train home. That's it. Those are the options available to her.

OP haven't RTFT but your mother has never helped YOU out . But expects you to run around.
She can sort herself out.

Please ignore all the people on here telling you you'll have it on your conscience if your mother never saw your DGM> etc etc. B***

It's on your DM's conscience - hers and hers alone! For being too lazy to take the train. People are falling over themselves to come up with excuses anxiety etc etc you're her daughter you would know.

Given your update regarding your DGMs state of health, I'd try not to make a huge issue about this. It doesn't sound like the situation will be going on for very long, and as some have said you want a clear conscience.
The idea of doing it once per week is a good compromise.

Of course if it does continue then there will be a stage at which it will be almost impossible for you once the newborn arrives. It does sound as if you need to take a step back from your DM as 65 is too young to be refusing to use public transport and to rely so much on you. However I'm not sure that it's a great time for tough love with your DGM being so seriously ill.

If my daughter was pregnant I would not expect her to drive me on two hour round trips unless she felt ok doing it and insisted on it!

You could maybe give her a lift to the station (at 65 she is young enough still to face her fears!) and I'm sure maybe your aunt to pick her up from the station or she could get a cab the other end?

Also to add OP - who's conscience will it be on if anything happens to your health thanks to all this running around?

@BlueCupOrangeCup

It's only an hour there and hour back. I would do anything for my mum. So yes I would do it. She would do it for me.

Agree. An hour is nothing. I regularly go 3 hrs to take my mum to my nans and drive back same day. Its shit but sometimes you just have too.

I don't think driving 2 hrs when pregnant is that bad?

Also
People saying OP should help her mother about despite not being at 100% at health
However Op's mother can't take the train to see HER mother because poor dear might have anxiety, PTSD or any number of things .
Why is the OP the only one expected to get over herself for her mother

@BlueCupOrangeCup but in this case OP's mum hasn't done anything for her. She hasn't even helped with childcare.

I would also do anything for MY mum - but my mum is an angel who'd never make me drive in this situation she'd get the train