Am I being selfish for not wanting to drive my mum?

[amibeingselfishorwhat]

My mum moved to be nearer to me and the DC's which is an hour away from our hometown where my grandma lives. Anyway my grandma is very old and in her last days and my auntie who is her full time carer needs some
Help.

My mum is saying she wants to go down for a few days and help out and asked if I can take her, this would be an ongoing thing until grandma passes.

I said to my mum you need to learn to get the train I can't keep driving down and up and I'm 6 months pregnant and it's exhausting. She is saying she is too scared to use the train.

AIBU to not want to keep on doing it? Or do I just suck it up as my grandma probably doesn't have that long.

I'm passing through New Street at few times a week at the moment. If she's travelling off peak, it's really not so challenging, and I think she would just need to avoid tight connections. The signage is good, there are plenty of info boards, there is lift access to platforms and there are some sitting areas on the upper level if she needs a break. I'd encourage her to go for it by train, and book assistance if needed.

Jesus, you must be weak. I drove and worked the day before I gave birth and was back 3 weeks after a c section.

So do you think you will be unable to drive or take a train at 65? That’s weak.

It's not coldhearted to think it would be better for all of them if OP's mum learnt to manage her anxiety and use the train.

OP will soon be heavily pregnant and then have a newborn, so it's going to get really difficult and maybe not even possible for her to keep driving her mum for some weeks.

What will her mum do then? What will her granny and auntie do?

I really don't think it's cold hearted to help a 65 year old woman to gain a bit of independence. The OP can't start being her carer now, she's probably going to live 30 more years if her own mother is anything to go by, and. The OP has a job and will shortly have three children, one a baby. Helping her dm to get over her issues with public transport will be best for everyone in the long run.

If it was a once off for a medical emergency then of course you’ll help but I suspect you are concerned that you will be spending maternity leave as an on call free taxi. Your mum is young ! She needs to learn to cope on her own in general. If she was more independent then you’d probably be more likely to drop everything and run when she really needed you

It's just 2 hours drive twice a week. I'm over an hour each way to work and I drove it every day until I went on maternity leave. You should see your grandmother too, you'll regret it.
She should not be getting the train, the risk to you being pregnant and your elderly grandmother are huge.

Think of it in the future. How would you feel if your child refused to drive you to see your mother when she was dying.

@boringcreation

It's just 2 hours drive twice a week. I'm over an hour each way to work and I drove it every day until I went on maternity leave. You should see your grandmother too, you'll regret it. She should not be getting the train, the risk to you being pregnant and your elderly grandmother are huge.

Think of it in the future. How would you feel if your child refused to drive you to see your mother when she was dying.

• The risk of Covid I mean

Is your dgm dying OP? I feel this is crucial information that has been omitted so far.

Sorry thought I already posted!

Grandma has deteriorated badly since we visited last month, I had a shock today when I seen her she is no longer speaking her body is just stuck in one position. I really don't think she's got long left. She doesn't really want to eat anymore either so I don't believe she has long left but I guess you never know!

I think the person who called you selfish has it all wrong. The selfish individual here is your mum who is expecting you to do fairly long return drives to accommodate her because she doesn’t drive or want to get a train. The guilt tripping comes from the fact that your grandma is ill, yet that’s somehow not enough to stop your mum being scared to get a train. The people in their late 70s in our family all drive, get flights and get the train.

Can she not afford a taxi? Or could you share the cost?

@amibeingselfishorwhat

Sorry thought I already posted!

Grandma has deteriorated badly since we visited last month, I had a shock today when I seen her she is no longer speaking her body is just stuck in one position. I really don't think she's got long left. She doesn't really want to eat anymore either so I don't believe she has long left but I guess you never know!

Oh in that case, maybe keep driving her.

I’m doubting if your mum really is afraid to take a train. What exactly is she afraid of, and why? Is this not just a convenient excuse for you giving her lifts everywhere? You say she’s getting pretty used to lifts from you in general . You aren’t a taxi and you don’t live really close! She’s being selfish.

Why is she scared of the train? She's not that old, surely!?

Tbh in that scenario I think I'd do the driving. But definitely start weaning your DM off being driven around everywhere as soon as is reasonable. You're not her chauffeur! I'd be quite cross if my fit and healthy not very old DM moved close to me so I could help and driver her around everywhere, then didn't help with childcare at all, when clearly you could do with help. Unless you have a live in nanny, every working parent with three kids needs help! I don't care if some posters think me selfish to have that view. It's not fair if one person is getting all the help, when it sounds like they don't really need it, and not giving any help in return.

How many train rides is it? If it's just one could you drive her to the station make sure she gets in the right train and then arrange a taxi for her on the other side? Then maybe as a compromise collect her.

You are not in the least bit selfish
Your DM is fit and healthy and her needing to be with her DM should motivate her to overcome her fears
I'm 56 with limited mobility and I would dream of imposing on my adult dc, and I can't imagine your DM doing so either
Prioritise your health and your DC

Never dream, that should say

I'd drop her there and let her make her own way back.

Sounds like she's got very dependent very quickly and is expecting you to look after her like your aunt has for their Mum.

@incandescentglow Because by the time OP gets DC into the car, drives for an hour, drops mum off, uses the loo, says hello to aunt and Grandma and drives back it's probably more than 3 hours so it basically takes out a morning or an afternoon which is how I arrived at a quarter of a weekend.

Will freely admit to some rounding up though

@amibeingselfishorwhat

Sorry thought I already posted!

Grandma has deteriorated badly since we visited last month, I had a shock today when I seen her she is no longer speaking her body is just stuck in one position. I really don't think she's got long left. She doesn't really want to eat anymore either so I don't believe she has long left but I guess you never know!

Ok so she is genuinely nearing the end. I don’t see how that impacts a 65 year old getting on a train though.

I don't really see why a healthy 65 yo needs ferrying about but on the other hand her mum is dying so I would do would I could to be supportive.

This thread is absolutely ridiculous. All you high and mighty posters calling OP selfish. She’s 6 months pregnant, has 2 young children, a job and just getting over HG. She already takes her mum on the trip once a month. If her mum wants to go more than that she’s perfectly capable of getting the train.

I genuinely get the impression that some of you just like being rude and twisted and enjoy making other people feel bad.