Am I being selfish for not wanting to drive my mum?

[amibeingselfishorwhat]

My mum moved to be nearer to me and the DC's which is an hour away from our hometown where my grandma lives. Anyway my grandma is very old and in her last days and my auntie who is her full time carer needs some
Help.

My mum is saying she wants to go down for a few days and help out and asked if I can take her, this would be an ongoing thing until grandma passes.

I said to my mum you need to learn to get the train I can't keep driving down and up and I'm 6 months pregnant and it's exhausting. She is saying she is too scared to use the train.

AIBU to not want to keep on doing it? Or do I just suck it up as my grandma probably doesn't have that long.

@BurbageBrook

Maybe your mum doesn’t want to be weeping on the train on the way back from visiting her dying mother and could do with a little emotional support. You do sound quite breathtakingly selfish.

This.

Having anxiety isn't a personal preference.

No, it's not.

But it's something to address and find ways to cope with, not always take the easy way out and have other people run round after you.

I would probably take this instance by instance. I would not drive down midweek though; with work and the children and being pregnant it would be too much. It's not fair to you or to the baby you're gestating to have you be worn out running around after someone who is healthy enough to help care for her aging mum but mysteriously not capable enough to sit on a train for two hours. Especially if you already have to spend a lot of time running her around because she's unwilling to use public transport or taxis for her errands.

If this were me, and I felt up to it, I would offer to take her to her mother's on a Saturday or Sunday morning. Then she can either take the train back midweek or you can pick her up the following Saturday. Her choice. Then skip one weekend and then repeat. That would give you one "free" weekend out of three. Once you hit 8 months pregnant, no more ferrying your mum far from your hospital. You don't want to give birth on the freeway. Given you're 6 months along, that gives you maybe three or four times you have to do this?

Then you start weaning her off of having you help her with all her errands. She's only 65, she's not that old. Is she very frail for her age? What can she have shipped to her instead of having to be taken out and rode around?

Her sister should be using the time when your mum is there to have a break, get out of the house, do fun things for herself. Otherwise not only will she be sniping at your mum but she'll also burn out. Does your mum actually help when she's there, or does her anxiety make her more of a help in theory than in fact?

I’d say no, you must be exhausted anyway with a pg, children, work and running a family.

@chonkybuoy

Can she not drive?

Why is she scared to get the train?

My mum who is 68 is very apprehensive about public transport and given the frequent reports of anti social behaviour and violence, I don’t blame her. Where do you live?

Would you not want to go visit your grandma also if she's potentially in her last days? Surely you'd want to take your mum down so you could spend a little time with grandma before she was to pass?

@EdgeOfTheSky

A round trip of 4 hours more than twice a week is a LOT if you are working, have children, are pregnant and have had hyperemesis! How on earth do you fit it in?

And judging by 3 of my relatives, unless there is something particularly wrong with your grandmother at the moment, this could go on for 4 years.

Your auntie and mum need to contact Adult Services and see what extra help can be put in place. If your grandmother is unable to wash / dress / cook for herself she may be eligible for a visiting carer. The Age UK website has excellent info pages.

I think it may be worth going with your Mum on the train and showing her how to use it. This journey will not be possible when you are post-partum, for example, and not fair to have a tiny baby in a car seat for 4 hours twice a week. It's ridiculous for your Mum to refuse to use the train unless she has any particular vulnerabilities.

Where are you getting 4 hours from?

One hour down, one hour back... How's that 4 hrs?

OP, I'm going to go against what many people here are saying and tell you that no, you don't have to do it. Just because she's your parent doesn't make you a personal driver, especially with you being so far along in your pregnancy, working and having other kids. You have to put yourself and your life first. A person doesn't have to put their entire life to the back for a parent.

This doesn't mean you don't love her or your grandparent, it just means setting boundaries and not running yourself ragged driving her all over. She will have to manage her own transportation...either a train or uber or something that doesn't involve you driving so much.

BurbageBrook
Maybe your mum doesn’t want to be weeping on the train on the way back from visiting her dying mother and could do with a little emotional support. You do sound quite breathtakingly selfish

You're just making things up. The OP said nothing about weeping for her dying mother. And lots of us have had to get public transport back from dying relatives. It's no excuse.

And did you fail to read the part about the mother expecting her to ferry her about all over the place?

The PP who posted about learned helplessness was on to something.

@BungleandGeorge

Does your mum usually help you out with childcare etc?

Maybe it's okay to "be selfish"/prioritise yourself sometimes? (such as when pregnant and exhausted)

Driving at 6m pg is hard!

I’m a very good driver usually but I was a fucking liability when 6m pg!

Say no, mean no and remind her you’re not the solution to all her issues when she’s not helping you out

My mum who is 68 is very apprehensive about public transport and given the frequent reports of anti social behaviour and violence, I don’t blame her. Where do you live?

What anti social behaviour and violence? You're no more likely to experience this on a train than anywhere else. If you travel during the day, it's perfectly civilised. People are often very helpful.

If you want to avoid any potential risks you'd have to lock yourself up in your house permanently.

@ColinTheKoala

Having to change at Birmingham New St is a bit daunting, but it's much better than it used to be. And anyway she's 65, not 95. And she can book help if she needs it.

Really? It's like a miniature Waterloo.

I'm not sure why it's relevant if she helps you with your children. Surely sometimes you just do something because it's the right thing to do, in this case for your auntie and your grandma as well as your mum. Not everything has to be 'pay back'.

@Sugarplumfairy65

Having anxiety isn't a personal preference

No but it's a personal responsibility to deal with it to minimise the impact on the people around you.

Is your grandmother really in her final days? I think you've only given her age as a indicator so far. Yes she's very old at 96, but if she has no health issues she could live years yet, my grandmother is 100. I think whether she's actually ill is a big factor here. I'd do the driving in that was the case. If however this was an ongoing thing, twice a month, possibly for years, I don't think I would. Your mother's dependence on you is an issue, it's not going to be sustainable when you have a young baby. Why did she move nearer to you if she's not helping with childcare at all? Does she really not help at all, not even a bit of babysitting? If she just moved nearer so you could help her and drive her around, when it doesn't sound like she's that elderly or that there's anything wrong with her, I think I'd be a bit annoyed by this. Yes it nice that she lives closer to you, but if she is fit and able, I'd expect help to be mutual, do you feel like you're being taken advantage of? I think trying the train with her a few times would be a good idea, to get her comfortable with it so she can do it alone. And maybe suggest she gets a taxi or bus if she needs taking other places some of the time.

I’m a very good driver usually but I was a fucking liability when 6m pg!

Why? Assuming you were fit and healthy of course?

@amibeingselfishorwhat

Mum is 65 fit and healthy just anxious getting the train.

I do everything for my mum and drive her everywhere, since she has moved closer to me she relies on me to take her everywhere.

You really need to wean her off this for your safety and health. You will soon have 3 children and your mum is retired. Time for her to start using buses and taxis. This is learned helplessness and reads as though she’s moved close to your because she thinks you are responsible for her.

Go with her on the train, once definitely, twice if necessary. Show your mother it is straightforward, and take the opportunity to say goodbye to your Gran and hello to your Auntie.

No doubt your mother spent a lot of years running around after you...

My dm is 86 and has only just stopped travelling on her own due to mobility issues.
Your dm needs to get a grip.

What chonkybuoy says - go with her once on the train so she feels more confident. If she's state pension age, she can get a senior Railcard and save money on fares. Then meet her from the station the first time she gets back.

Presumably she's moved nearer to you to get help, not give it?!

So many cold hearted posts - this thread makes me feel very sad.

@notangelinajolie

So many cold hearted posts - this thread makes me feel very sad.

There’s one of these on most posts

@OinkPinkPonk

If a family member was in their last days I'd drive any family round that I needed to.

If your mother was dying surely you’d learn to use the train then?

@notangelinajolie

So many cold hearted posts - this thread makes me feel very sad.

Pity you don’t feel sad for OP, running around after her fit and healthy mum who doesn’t help her pregnant and sick dd at all but expects to be chauffeured around.