In not wanting to work?

[Cornhill]

I know I’m going to get a certain amount of hate for this, but I’m just writing about how I feel - not necessarily saying I am going to do anything about it.

I don’t want to work. I recently went back after having my first baby and I hate it. I feel like I’m stuffed in a building throughout the day, not getting to enjoy life at all. It all feels frantic, getting up rushing, rushing around all day, then at home just waiting until bedtime then start it all again.

My flexible working application was denied. I am looking for part time jobs but it’s extremely rare one actually comes up and the chances of a part time job being advertised within commutable distance and that I am successful in my application for seems pretty remote.

It seems so unfair on Dh to be the sole earner and I know all the arguments against being a SAHM. But life is so relentless. Things get forgotten about because just so busy.

I’m feeling fed up and grouchy about it all.

Literally every single person I know would give up their job if they could afford it. Not saying they would all become SAHM but would quit to follow a passion rather than the job that pays the mortgage. It's especially hard with a young baby. You're not alone in how you feel.

I really really relate to your desire to go part time. I’ve ended up in a profession which is well paid but is also very male-dominated ‘full time or nothing’. I don’t want to be a SAHM and I feel I could do 4 days or 3 days quite happily and sustainably.

If I could go back in time, a bit of advice I’d give myself when choosing my profession is to assess its flexibility - or more specifically its suitability for part time work. I didn’t give a second’s thought to that when I was younger and choosing my path and I regret it now.

@choli

Does your husband get to consider renaging on his financial responsibility to the family as well?

I’m sure he can consider it if he likes, surely that’s part of life.

The OP is THINKING about this. Are you the fucking thought police @choli

@Sixtycats

YANBU. If you can survive on one income, do it. Your kids will forget extra luxuries but they won't forget time at home with you when you're relaxed and happy.

Sadly it's not as simple as 'extra luxuries' vs happiness though, or far more people would do it.

OP if you can afford not to work and your husband is OK with it then stop working! It's your life my love. Don't let anybody dictate to you what you should and should not be doing. If your husband is cool with it and you're going to be financially stable then stuff the job!

Bloody hell people are being harsh on here. Who cares how long her bloody commute is?! Why is everyone acting like her DH is hard done by just because she WISHES she could quit her job?!

OP - I feel you, 2 months back off mat leave and I'm only part time and it's exhausting. Although silver lining not having to think about what to feed the baby when I'm at work as that's someone else's job

@IAmMeThisIsI it's not just about the here and now though. They may be financially stable on one income, but what if the DH has to give up his job? Even if it all works out, what about retirement? If you look on the pension threads that crop up every so often, the SAHMs on there aren't in an enviable position.

@Cornhill I've got my dh involved in the washing and cleaning lunch hours as we both wfh but I know it's not easy to simply wake up and get a new job. Get on the main recruitment websites put in wfh and see what comes up and see if you can transfer your degree or skills to those jobs.

@Cornhill

In many ways I’d love to be a SAHM but I’m not sure it would work, in part because dh WFH is a bit of a pain.

Part time would be the ideal as I could hopefully tailor my days to the day he is in the office.

Why would your husband working from home mean you couldn't be a SAHM?

Because it’s like living in an office.

Sadly it's not as simple as 'extra luxuries' vs happiness though, or far more people would do it.

Exactly.

Also, as someone who grew up with one working parent and one stay at home parent and a household budget reflecting that, I can say that I absolutely remember the luxuries I didn’t have and my friends did have. In fact I remember wishing that my non-working parent would get a job so I could have nice things like other children.

@Cornhill

Because it’s like living in an office.

You mean he needs to work in a communal area?

@Sixtycats

YANBU. If you can survive on one income, do it. Your kids will forget extra luxuries but they won't forget time at home with you when you're relaxed and happy.

As ever, men work for home, bills and food on the table, and women work for fripperies.

No, I mean it’s like living in an office.

OP- I get this. In fact, I had you pegged as a teacher before you disclosed this!

My youngest is 6 and I’ve recently retrained as an English teacher. Naively, I thought that I could work part time once qualified.....

Having ‘survived’ my PGCE year, I know, without doubt that I wouldn’t enjoy working full time as a teacher. I just couldn’t be the sort of parent that I want to be .

Now and again a part time role comes up that I can apply for but even if I were successful, I know I will be working full time hours for part time pay.

in the meantime I’m doing supply which is a mixed bag. Yes, there is the flexibility but if you’re looking for part time hours then you will be stuck doing day to day supply. Most schools are looking for cover supervisors for their day supply ( regardless of your qualifications) which pays £70 per day. I am currently only able to negotiate ‘ teachers rates (£100 per day) due to supply teachers being in short supply.

I’m seriously looking at other options.

@Cornhill

No, I mean it’s like living in an office.

Sorry, I'm not trying to be obtuse, but I don't really follow. He already works from home so what would the difference be? You'd feel obliged not to make any noise during the day?

You might not be meaning to be obtuse, @DrSbaitso but you are a bit, tbh. It doesn’t take much imagination (or does it) to recognise that a house with one person working changes the dynamics for everybody else in that house.

DS and I are currently isolating waiting for results from a PCR. Twice Dh has made him cry by walking through to the toilet and then walking out again. He also decided to mend something when I was trying to get DS to nap. I hear phone calls all day and I am disturbed constantly.

None of that is DHs fault as it were but it’s hard work dealing with it five days a week, as I did on ML.

Your kids will forget extra luxuries but they won't forget time at home with you when you're relaxed and happy.

Sorry but this whole argument that women who go out to work do so because they want to buy handbags and cars is so insulting. The idea that if they stopped they'd magically have a lightbulb moment of enjoying their kids.

The vast majority of women who work do so because the household finances depend on it.

This isn't directly relevant to the OP's post but I find it so irritating that this gets parrotted on every thread about mothers and working. As if its a binary choice between "luxury" and "happiness". So simplistic.

@Cornhill

You might not be meaning to be obtuse, *@DrSbaitso* but you are a bit, tbh. It doesn’t take much imagination (or does it) to recognise that a house with one person working changes the dynamics for everybody else in that house.

DS and I are currently isolating waiting for results from a PCR. Twice Dh has made him cry by walking through to the toilet and then walking out again. He also decided to mend something when I was trying to get DS to nap. I hear phone calls all day and I am disturbed constantly.

None of that is DHs fault as it were but it’s hard work dealing with it five days a week, as I did on ML.

Keep your hair on. (Is that you, Mrs Harrison? Still teaching?) That's why I asked if he was working in a communal area. Your obtuse answer suggested that that, or related issues, wasn't really the problem, which is why I was a bit puzzled. So in a nutshell, yes, that's what I had been thinking.

Well, assuming husband can't go back to the office at all (can he?) then you may be right, even being a SAHM might not resolve the issue. Still, if he's a life partner and you're unhappy and facing burnout, I think you ought to be able to have a conversation with him about all possible options if the current situation is unsustainable. You say you feel unappreciated, though, and I'm wondering if that's got anything to do with why you haven't had this conversation. Has he not noticed how stressed and unhappy you are?

Oh bless you @Cornhill sometimes you just need to mouth off about stuff don't you ? You don't need or want a solution, you just need to let off stream.
Being a working mum is very hard work and you aren't the only one who harbours fantasies about staying at home. It doesn't mean you'd actually do it or maybe even want to do it when it came to it.
But it's fine to have a good old vent 🤗

My hair is on, and I’m completely calm, @DrSbaitso

I just know WFH threads do not go well on here and I don’t really want to be interrogated in the guise of ‘support.’

@thepeopleversuswork

Your kids will forget extra luxuries but they won't forget time at home with you when you're relaxed and happy.

Sorry but this whole argument that women who go out to work do so because they want to buy handbags and cars is so insulting. The idea that if they stopped they'd magically have a lightbulb moment of enjoying their kids.

The vast majority of women who work do so because the household finances depend on it.

This isn't directly relevant to the OP's post but I find it so irritating that this gets parrotted on every thread about mothers and working. As if its a binary choice between "luxury" and "happiness". So simplistic.

Absolutely this. Lots of couples can't afford to buy a house now without two full time salaries yet there is a still this assumption that the woman is just working for pin money.

DH couldn't pay all the bills without my salary

Doesn't sound as if being at home would be a good solution at all tbh. Sounds like you're very fed up with being there too!

Definitely worth considering some sort of change op. I really hope you are able to do that.

I also agree with pps who have said this is probably the hardest bit for parents working full time and it isn't always going to be like this. Do you have any sort of support irl other than your dh?

@Cornhill

My hair is on, and I’m completely calm, *@DrSbaitso*

I just know WFH threads do not go well on here and I don’t really want to be interrogated in the guise of ‘support.’

I'm not interrogating you, I'm trying to understand your situation. It's either make assumptions, or ask questions. I work from home most of the time and very flexibly too, so believe me I know the benefits.

It seems that there are several potential solutions: husband goes back to office, you become a SAHM, you change career etc. Perhaps not all the possibilities are feasible, but the first step surely has to be to talk to your husband about it. Does he really not see you up at 6.30 every day, marking every evening, up during the night (does he do night wakings?) and not realise you're shattered?

You sat you feel unappreciated; has that got anything to do with why you haven't raised this with him?

Before you say it, no, I'm not making any assumptions about your marriage or anything like that. I'm just going on what you've told us. You won't get any alternative without talking to him about the problem, so if you are this unhappy but are avoiding the discussion, it might be worth thinking about why.

I completely understand where you're coming from. I gave up work until my youngest started at school, then I found a school hours job. Professionally it was a huge step down for me but it was the best thing I've ever done, the work life balance is wonderful. My children are almost grown ups now and I've still kept to working school hours because of the flexibility it gives me to balance my life.

The minus side is the insurance aspect you mentioned, mainly that my own pension has taken a huge hit. I pay 70% of my earnings into my pension pot currently to at least have some sort of income in my old age. We are mortgage free now, so if the unexpected happened and DH left me we could split the house and buy a smaller property each.