In not wanting to work?

[Cornhill]

I know I’m going to get a certain amount of hate for this, but I’m just writing about how I feel - not necessarily saying I am going to do anything about it.

I don’t want to work. I recently went back after having my first baby and I hate it. I feel like I’m stuffed in a building throughout the day, not getting to enjoy life at all. It all feels frantic, getting up rushing, rushing around all day, then at home just waiting until bedtime then start it all again.

My flexible working application was denied. I am looking for part time jobs but it’s extremely rare one actually comes up and the chances of a part time job being advertised within commutable distance and that I am successful in my application for seems pretty remote.

It seems so unfair on Dh to be the sole earner and I know all the arguments against being a SAHM. But life is so relentless. Things get forgotten about because just so busy.

I’m feeling fed up and grouchy about it all.

Well yes, but I have to wait for something to come up, and there is no guarantee it will, or that I’d be successful in an application if it did.

I used to hate work days when I had to do both nursery runs. It’s really tough and I always was worried I’d be in traffic and late for pick up. Then arriving home with a tired, grubby hungry baby / toddler to deal with. I agree it’s a tough balance. However my kids are now teenagers and I am so glad I stuck with my job as I’ve now got a good career and not trying to re establish myself in a career. I must admit I only ever did 3 days when they were young and I feel for you having your flexible request turned down. Did they have a proper business reason why you couldn’t job share or do flexible hours / home working or whatever your request was?

If being a SAHM for a couple of years is manageable I’d seriously consider it OP. You’d be able to get back into teaching once your son is at school. I’ve been a SAHM for the past 7 years (just gone back to work part time) and when it works for the whole family it really works.

It’s not driving fifteen minutes down the road, though. It’s the stress of being out of the house at half seven, so up at half six, and this is after a broken night (usually) and then traffic jam after traffic jam to get to nursery, then traffic jam after traffic jam to get to school. I fucking hate it and it is the worst part of the day by miles. I need one of those things they have on Harry Potter where you are transported instantly there. But in any event, one of the reasons I applied for that job was because it wasn’t particularly far away so you can do the same for your commute I am sure.

It's bloody hard, I have a job that has both teaching and non-teaching periods (university) and there is something about teaching that drains the same kind of energy you need to parent, so it feels like a much longer day of doing the same thing.

I know it might not feel like a real answer, but in our school a lot of the SFL staff are teachers who want to be part time for a few years, get a couple of new skills, but then go back to full time in their subject when their kids are older. Does your school have many children with English as a second language? If they need that kind of specialist, you might be able to do it part time for a few years and add a few strings to your bow without losing touch of your subject?

Are any of your colleagues off on maternity or likely to have children/more children? A lot of job shares seem to happen when two people are off the same time and want to go part time, so if anyone else is off on maternity you could put feelers out and hold out until then. That allows your school to advertise a full time post and share one post between you.

I hope you find a solution, you've worked long and hard enough to earn a few years part time looking after your children, it isn't unreasonable at all. I'm part time and know I'll retire a few years later than those who didn't take any breaks or are full time. I don't care, the pre-school years for my children are more important to me to enjoy than the years between 62 and 64, for example.

Your feelings are totally understandable. I think most women with small children who work find it at best very burdensome and often totally unmanageable.

The thing I would say is that the way you feel about it as the mother of a baby/toddler is not the way you necessarily feel about it as the mother of an older child.

With a tiny child its relentless, stressful and guilt-inducing and you constantly feel this emotional pull towards the child you are not with. It's tough. But it's never going to be more than 2-3 years of your life.

But by the time your child goes to school you are very likely to want more in your life than simply maintaining a home. That's not a judgement of people who do want to do this but the majority of people find that isn't usually enough for total fulfilment.

Add to this the huge financial benefit of being in work to you and to your family. It is partly about protecting yourself in the event of a break-up or the death of your partner but it benefits the whole family.

I hated being at work when my daughter was tiny. Hated it with a passion. Leaving work wasn't an option for me thankfully as I probably would have done it. My husband and I split when my daughter was four and I'm not unbelievably grateful that I didn't stop working as I would have been fucked if I had.

She's now 10 and I work FT (partly from home) and life is great. I'm totally financially self-sufficient, she's happy and her life was in no way impacted by my having put her in childcare as a small child. I have a fulfilling job which fits around my work and more than supports us. I'm incredibly grateful now that I didn't quit work. It was 18 months to 2 years of pain and stress but long term its been a massive net benefit.

Hopefully you won't split with your husband etc but I would say play the long game. If you can make it work financially being a SAHM can work really well for some people short term but over the long term its very likely that you will want to retain some financial autonomy and something else in your life besides caring for your child.

You will be in a far far better position to do both of these things if you've kept your hand in to some degree.

I was able to afford being a stay at home mum. I do not regret any of it. That’s not quite true. I regret now that I can’t do my old job as I really really loved it. But at the same time I really really really loved being home home with my children. If you have a job you’re keen on my advice is keeping your oar in Somehow so you can return. But I do not regret spending all that time with my kids at all.

Tbh, I’ve always felt I could actually go on for longer if I was part time. Working three days a week is manageable and I could probably go to mid sixties but five plus young baby is killing me.

I’m a Londoner so road travel is mostly traffic jam.

Yanbu

I went back to work after mat leave to a job I didnt enjoy. Got another full time position in an area I was retraining but the managers were absolutely awful. My DD is 2.5 and I've just quit my job. Scary, relieved and also transitioning from to being a SAHM. Aim is to be home short term and then find a part time job. In the mean time I'm studying and trying to juggle toddler tantrums that just appeared as I quit my job

@Montecristocount

If being a SAHM for a couple of years is manageable I’d seriously consider it OP. You’d be able to get back into teaching once your son is at school. I’ve been a SAHM for the past 7 years (just gone back to work part time) and when it works for the whole family it really works.

Yes I took, time out when the kids where small although I had businesses ticking along in the background. One of my siblings took 15 years out and recently returned to work in the city.

It definitely makes life less stressful.

If being a SAHM isn't an option, and it isn't for many people, a career change might be it. As a teacher, you'll be articulate, literate and communicative. Maybe look into WFH jobs in social media or content production?

I know @TatianaBis and I am sure it is totally shit, but traffic gridlocks do exist outside of London. And it is really galling, when you’re having a hard time, having someone pop up and say ‘well that doesn’t count.’

I have to leave the house at 730. I have to be in work at 830. Dh also has to be in work at 830 but literally starts at 830. There is absolutely no travel time factored in. And like I say, this is something we took into account when applying for jobs, so it isn’t as if it was some random stroke of luck that meant I could work somewhere relatively local.

@Cornhill

Tbh, I’ve always felt I could actually go on for longer if I was part time. Working three days a week is manageable and I could probably go to mid sixties but five plus young baby is killing me.

Does your husband do his share of night wakings?

@Cornhill

Tbh, I’ve always felt I could actually go on for longer if I was part time. Working three days a week is manageable and I could probably go to mid sixties but five plus young baby is killing me.

Which is why so many mothers go part time even if it necessitates a job change.

I wouldn’t want to work FT with a baby and I didn’t, although many women have to or are ok with it.

No one really wants to go out in the mornings, and spend their day doing what someone else wants them to do, not what THEY want to do. On the other hand, staying at home with a small baby isn't a bowl of cherries either! Best just bite the bullet and get on with it? Look round for another job?

In many ways I’d love to be a SAHM but I’m not sure it would work, in part because dh WFH is a bit of a pain.

Part time would be the ideal as I could hopefully tailor my days to the day he is in the office.

Of course YANBU, I even was a SAHW for a few years, it was heaven.
The only thing is that you have to accept it is your DH’s decision as much as it is yours.

I think in your situation I would take some time out to enjoy your young child. Or get pregnant now, enjoy the maternity leave and not return after. Teaching is one of those jobs you can go back to after time out.

I felt similar to you when I went back after DS, and I loved my job and struggled hugely with maternity leave! It was for similar reasons to you as well - the whole nursery run/commute/housework/night feeds hamster wheel left me absolutely drained and burnt out. So YANBU at all to want out. As you say though, it's not that simple due both to the insurance factor and the need for a pension.

I'm guessing that if your workplace isn't supportive of flexible or part-time working, they won't be supportive of a career break either, which is the only thing I can think to suggest. Sorry OP. It's shit, isn't it, but it does get easier.

I’m not saying it doesn’t count. But if you say commute - that rather implies an hour plus. Sounds like it’s the 6.30 start is a much as anything - 15 mins at 9am probably wouldn’t be so bad.

Jesus what's with the commute pedants!?

Ultimately, what does your husband think? Could he support the family? Could you use the free time to retrain or perhaps explore alternative careers?

I haven’t read the whole thread so sorry if I’m repeating, but I would still apply for jobs advertised as full time. Then if you are offered discuss whether they would consider part time hours. That’s how I got my first job when I went back to work after children, and am also changing jobs and have just done the same again. Several other people are also changing jobs too where I work and have done exactly the same.
No jobs are ever advertised part time, so if you don’t ask you don’t get!

YANBU. If you can survive on one income, do it. Your kids will forget extra luxuries but they won't forget time at home with you when you're relaxed and happy.