In not wanting to work?

[Cornhill]

I know I’m going to get a certain amount of hate for this, but I’m just writing about how I feel - not necessarily saying I am going to do anything about it.

I don’t want to work. I recently went back after having my first baby and I hate it. I feel like I’m stuffed in a building throughout the day, not getting to enjoy life at all. It all feels frantic, getting up rushing, rushing around all day, then at home just waiting until bedtime then start it all again.

My flexible working application was denied. I am looking for part time jobs but it’s extremely rare one actually comes up and the chances of a part time job being advertised within commutable distance and that I am successful in my application for seems pretty remote.

It seems so unfair on Dh to be the sole earner and I know all the arguments against being a SAHM. But life is so relentless. Things get forgotten about because just so busy.

I’m feeling fed up and grouchy about it all.

not all the possibilities are feasible

Quite. So they aren’t really possibilities!

@WinifredTheWondrous I am not well, but I must admit you aren’t coming across as someone wanting to be supportive.

I feel your pain. Do you do most of the housework too? I really think part time work is the best option (if you can afford it).It's true there's fewer part time jobs available but there are some. I found work at our local university, 17 hours a week and it gives me the work/life balance I wanted. My husband was happy with this arrangement as he works very long hours in a stressful job and it means I have time to do the bulk of the domestic stuff (which I enjoy). Do you have a university or college near you? They often have part time office jobs. Local councils are also good places to look. Before my current job I got some part time school work.

Quite. So they aren’t really possibilities!

Well I don't know which ones are and which ones aren't! I was trying to show that I understand not every solution we can think of will necessarily work, but if you can think of some that might, is there a reason you haven't discussed them with your husband?

Does he do his share of housework and childcare and night wakings?

@Cornhill

not all the possibilities are feasible

Quite. So they aren’t really possibilities!

@WinifredTheWondrous I am not well, but I must admit you aren’t coming across as someone wanting to be supportive.

Sorry? I'm not sure what makes you say that? I've been nothing but supportive throughout this thread. I mean, I think there was maybe a misunderstanding because I (and others) assumed you wanted to become become sahm, as that's how it seemed. Now I think you don't want that at all? Or do you?

I'll be supportive of any woman making the choice that suits her and her family best, but don't feel I'm attacking you by supporting you being a sahm (which I did at the beginning when that's what I thought you were saying you wanted) OR defending you not being a sahm (which I thought is what you were now saying you wanted).

And tbh, you haven't really indicated what you want support with? You work ft and make a good salary. You do not want that salary to reduce unless your hours do. You cannot find part time work. You do not want to retrain and i think you do not want to be a sahm? And you don't want extra help at home that you could outsource (cleaning etc)?

I work too. I know it's hard and maybe there is no solution, but maybe it's worth trying? But maybe not and that is totally up to you.

Hope you feel better soon

I haven’t actually said much of the above @WinifredTheWondrous

That’s your interpretation, and it is those sorts of posts that come over as a bit needly and goady.

Sorry, I still am not clear. What is it you would like support with op? I am genuinely trying to understand

Is it just a vent or did you want advice with changing something to do with your work / life balance?

@Chasingaftermidnight

Sadly it's not as simple as 'extra luxuries' vs happiness though, or far more people would do it.

Exactly.

Also, as someone who grew up with one working parent and one stay at home parent and a household budget reflecting that, I can say that I absolutely remember the luxuries I didn’t have and my friends did have. In fact I remember wishing that my non-working parent would get a job so I could have nice things like other children.

I agree. I have never met an adult that was grateful for a parent who didn't work as a child. The idea that women only work for extras and luxuries is not the case for most people I know.

I don't think YABU at all! I chose not to go back to work after having two babies close together. It was crap pay and just not worth my while. I have no family members who are willing to help with childcare and my son has a complex disability and it is absolotely essential that he is at home with me as I know him best and there is just no way he could cope in any kind of childcare setting. my husband works because one of us has two and I get asked by people all the time if he minds this. This arrangement is what works for our family, at least for a few years yet and there is nothing wrong with being a SAHM. For most people a SAHM means less money but you just have to decide if this sacrifice is worth it in order to be at home with your child. It sounds like you are very unhappy and staying in this job will take a toll on your mental health.

@Cornhill

I know I’m going to get a certain amount of hate for this, but I’m just writing about how I feel - not necessarily saying I am going to do anything about it.

I don’t want to work. I recently went back after having my first baby and I hate it. I feel like I’m stuffed in a building throughout the day, not getting to enjoy life at all. It all feels frantic, getting up rushing, rushing around all day, then at home just waiting until bedtime then start it all again.

My flexible working application was denied. I am looking for part time jobs but it’s extremely rare one actually comes up and the chances of a part time job being advertised within commutable distance and that I am successful in my application for seems pretty remote.

It seems so unfair on Dh to be the sole earner and I know all the arguments against being a SAHM. But life is so relentless. Things get forgotten about because just so busy.

I’m feeling fed up and grouchy about it all.

Wow! I'm trying to be friendly, not trying "to fool you". I've been friendly and tried to ge helpful and supportive to you throughout this and you've honestly just become aggressive and unpleasant.

I defended you when another posters made not very pleasant comments about how your husband might feel about you reducing hours or taking time out and I've made loads of suggestions. I'm really sorry you think I'm attacking you; honestly that is the last thing I'm trying to do!

And as for checking for objectives...Well, only because I misunderstood this^^ op - thought you wanted to be a sahm, but you got offended when people started discussing sahms. So I'm trying to understand what it is you do want...so I can be helpful, not so that get into some sort of weird confrontation with you or win a battle against you. I think you should be supported to make whatever choice is best for your family.

I know it's hard to read tone, but I am genuinely trying to be friendly and conciliatory here.

@GeodesicDome

YANBU, but do remember that this feeling is shared by vast swathes of the working population, and is not exclusive to the mothers of young children.

QFT

Winifred … I’m a bit exhausted by you tbh.

Your first two posts were fine. A bit ‘well my life is wonderful and I’m going to tell you all I have lots of money’ but par for the course on here.

Then you suggested I become a TA and after I said that this was not very sensible you have been popping up constantly with very saccharine little posts asking ‘nicely’ why I posted.

IT IS IN THE OP!

Lord above.

And you keep saying I’m ‘offended.’

I am not remotely offended. If someone says ‘no I don’t get the 540 bus, it goes the other way’ they aren’t ‘offended’.

Hardly anyone WANTS to work, we just sadly have to do that we can pay bills.

If you can afford it though, then talk to your husband about taking a break, even until your child is in school and rethink working then. Doesn't have to be forever.

I hated working with a small child and I only did part time. Me being a sahm is so much better for us as a family, we have 6 kids so I'm kept busy.

Haha

OK, yes, I can definitely see how my first post looked a bit "look at me I have money" @Cornhill.

That really wasn't the point I intended to make! It was more that some parents of young children love their work so much that they still do it even if it isn't strictly essential to cover our basic bills. Our combined income is probably the same or less than yours though tbh. Actually, from what you said about your monthly salary I'd say that's almost certainly the case.

And my point was that maybe it's the actual job which is the issue, rather than working ft with young dcs. But I think you went on to say the issue is not with teaching, so that point isn't relevant although it seemed it at the time

You just sound very unhappy in your job, OP.

I always find that when I'm working, despite loving what I did, the idea of being at home was always farrrrrr better than the reality.

I've now been at home full time since 2013 due to my very severe health issues and I absolutely HATE it!!!!!!! I've lost the career I bloody adored and had wanted to do since I was 3, and it quite literally brings tears to my eyes when I think of it or see videos/posts by others in the same field. Rips me apart.

Find something you're passionate about. It wi transform your way of thinking entirely

@Cornhill

Winifred … I’m a bit exhausted by you tbh.

Your first two posts were fine. A bit ‘well my life is wonderful and I’m going to tell you all I have lots of money’ but par for the course on here.

Then you suggested I become a TA and after I said that this was not very sensible you have been popping up constantly with very saccharine little posts asking ‘nicely’ why I posted.

IT IS IN THE OP!

Lord above.

I'm sorry but I think you're being unnecessarily harsh to @WinifredTheWondrous here. She's just explained that she wasn't being confrontational and was trying to help.

Why are you being so intensely defensive?? The general theme of the replies on this thread have been fully understanding of where you're coming from???

OP, does your husband do his fair share of housework, lifework and childcare? You haven't said yes or no, but you've said you feel unappreciated, you wish he'd see how much you do and you don't seem to want to discuss this with him.

I've found, as a broad brush generalisation, that men who burn out tend to do it from work alone, doing mad hours in a high pressure environment, and women who burn out tend to do it through juggling both a career and keeping the home fires burning.

[quote Cornhill]@WinifredTheWondrous it is posts such as this:

It's fine not to want a solution. Now that we know that's the case...what would you like to tell us all? You don't like working ft?

If you are genuine - if you really, honestly, are intending to be helpful, I will ask you if you honestly cannot see that the above is absolutely dripping in condescension and comes across as more than a little bit spiteful?

I have been quite clear that I don’t think being a SAHM is going to work at this time because of a myriad of factors. We may consider it in the future, we may decide against it.

But you haven’t been able to accept me just ‘talking.’ Since you keep referring to my supposedly being ‘offended’ I think tbh you are the one who was offended, or at least put out, that I didn’t jump on the TA suggestion with delight and you’ve been needling on here ever since like a fly against a window But what do you want? What? What? What

And when you’re not 100% anyway, that fast gets really irritating.[/quote]
Really, not at all offended! You explained perfectly clearly why you didn't like the TA suggestion and why it wouldn't work for you and it made perfect sense to me. I was genuinely bewildered in that post and really did put in the smiley face to indicate that I wasn't trying to be a dick to you. Honestly! I don't know how to make it any clearer. Not against you here at all (saccharine smile which isn't fooling anyone - joooooooking).

Dr, but I’m not really posting about any of that. It’s more about missing DS and feeling like life is flying past.

Winifred it’s not helping me or you. Please just stop

Dr, but I’m not really posting about any of that. It’s more about missing DS and feeling like life is flying past.

But if you are indeed spending more hours on work because of commuting and marking, AND you're doing an unfair share of the home load as well, then that's relevant. Because you're losing an unfair amount of this precious time - life flying past - and for what?

It might be that this is just your situation and there's nothing you can do about it. Short of changing career to something home-based, maybe you can't do anything about the work hours away from your son. But if you had less to take on at home as well, and you felt more appreciated, that could make a huge difference to the weight you're carrying and how you feel about it. If nothing else, you'd have more of your "free" time actually free to spend with your son, or for doing things you enjoy.

You tried to play this down as soon as you mentioned it, saying it was normal. I think this might be more of the crux than you want to think, especially since the only way to make any kind of change is to talk to your husband and you don't seem to want to.